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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2014 19:54

YANBU.

He will have to be the one to tell the DC that he made a mistake and there won't be a puppy.

And I'd get rid of the rabbit too. Your DD's are old enough to understand why - i.e. they're not looking after it like they promised they would.

saintmerryweather · 21/04/2014 19:54

Puppys are noisy bitey poo machines, you absolutely do NOT need one and you saying no should be enough! Especially since your dc dont look after the pet they have!

LineRunner · 21/04/2014 19:54

God almighty. What a fucking knob.

Don't get pushed into it. Say no and make him tell the DCs the truth.

tabulahrasa · 21/04/2014 19:55

You're not over-reacting, not at all.

I wouldn't have a puppy at the same time as a baby, nevermind two babies...how on earth are you supposed to housetrain a puppy? They need out every twenty minutes or so and watching constantly in case they need the toilet in the meantime.

How do you do that when you're feeding, or changing, or soothing two babies?

Puppies are also mad little bitey things for months after you get them.

Put it this way, I said I'd rather have another baby than another puppy, I'll gladly have dogs, but not a puppy.

It's a huge decision and no way should he have told the DC that they could have one without talking it through with you, especially as he wouldn't be the one looking after it.

puntasticusername · 21/04/2014 19:55

YANBU. He is being EXTREMELY UR.

If I were you, I'd shit in his slippers. When he discovers it - "see, darling? That's the kind of thing that'd happen if we had a puppy". Then smile beatifically and wander off to the pub.

maras2 · 21/04/2014 19:55

What a thick twat your DH is. YA so NBU .I'd have killed the fucker by now. Let him tell the kids from a script that you have written. Idiot man.

Ozne · 21/04/2014 19:55

Yanbu at all. Tell your dh he is being an unreasonable short sighted fool. And he should have to do the telling the kids it's not happening. Pillock.

ChinUpChestOut · 21/04/2014 19:56

Oh how I wish I'd stick to my guns about not getting a dog...... YAsoooooNBU. 7 years on I am STILL chief dog walker, we have spent 1000s on vet bills and now little dog has separation anxiety (we moved to a new house) and he doesn't like being left alone.

You don't have time to look after it. Your DH has to tell DDs that he made a mistake. End of. Be strong. I wish I had been.

PiggyPlumPie · 21/04/2014 19:56

You are so NU - my friend was emotionally blackmailedIinto getting a dog. 3 years on and her cock of a husband walks out leaving her with two boys and a dog she really dislikes.

Dog has since been rehomed to his disgust.

The person doing the day to day care of the dog has to really want one or it is a disaster.

catsofa · 21/04/2014 19:56

YANBU does he often make decisions that affect you without consulting you?

Lj8893 · 21/04/2014 19:56

He is being massively unreasonable!!!!

My cousin got a puppy around the same time my dd was born, she is more sleep deprived than me!!!

Puppy's are bloody hard work.

gordyslovesheep · 21/04/2014 19:57

omg YAsooooNBU - is your husband insane

Fairenuff · 21/04/2014 19:57

Tell him no. Then tell him if he goes ahead and gets it anyway you will report him to the RSPCA for neglecting it because you will not under any circumstances feed it or walk it.

Then no more discussion. He makes his choice and takes his consequences.

rumbleinthrjungle · 21/04/2014 19:57

Puppy by itself takes a lot of work, training, coping with mess and an energetic, impulsive young dog. Puppy and young children in the house takes a lot more work, puppy and one baby is really hard, and with twin babies at this age...... you are totally not over reacting. Really bad idea, really not the time and on top of all the stress it would add for you it would be very irresponsible to the puppy.

The children will be disappointed but for a day or two at most, they will absorb from you long term about responsibility and planning for pets and families to be compatible. I'm sorry you're getting cast as the 'bad guy' but actually you're very definitely the good guy in this situation!

CMOTDibbler · 21/04/2014 19:57

YANBU in the slightest. A dog is soooo much more work than just the walking bit, and I've been surprised at how much of a drain it has been just having to think about the dog all the time.

Your dh needs to be the one who tells the dds that he got carried away with the puppies and he was wrong to say yes.

chicaguapa · 21/04/2014 19:58

YADNBU I would be livid too.

DC keep going on about getting a dog. Our lives are only half as busy as yours but both DH and I have solemnly vowed to each other that we will remain steadfast in our refusal to get one as we're both scared the other will get caught out in a weak moment.

I think it's your DH's mess to sort out tbh. Just leave it to him to tell the DC and don't speak to him again until he does. If he doesn't back down LTB. Grin

MummyKnight · 21/04/2014 19:58

YANBU!!! Far from it, your DH is!!
Could you bugger off and do something nice for the day one weekend and leave DH to look after all 4 DC's so that he can see just how much hard work is involved? Maybe then he will realise that it's too much work for you to have a puppy to deal with as well. Then maybe when DTs are older a dog/puppy might be more manageable. I can't believe he thinks that a puppy and 22 week old DTs is a good combo!!!!

Good luck

Limelight · 21/04/2014 19:58

YANB even remotely U. I would be absolutely boiling with anger!

The question is how you get round this without being the baddie. DH needs to take responsibility for it somehow. I would be tempted to make a list of all the jobs/tasks that will need to happen, particularly in the first few months, and present it to him. Then in all innocence ask which 50% of those tasks he's going to take on and how he's going to make that work. And saying your DDs will look after the puppy won't cut it - managing them and their care of the puppy will be a job in itself I would think, given that they're kids.

tumbletumble · 21/04/2014 19:59

YANBU and I would be absolutely furious if my DH did this.

Original poster
TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:59

Thank you Smile It's god to know that it's not just me who would feel like this.

Part of the problem is he's such a pushover with the DDs. I think it partly comes from guilt about hardly seeing them during the week. It just feels unfair that I think they are starting to associate him with fun and a good time. Whereas i'm the one who nags them about bedtimes, vegetables and tidying up. When dads around it's trips out and presents and playing all day. It's childish but I feel resentful.

Thay are going to be so gutted Sad I can hear them all laughng downstairs

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 19:59

Oh and I think you need to call the person with the puppies asap and tell them not to let your dh take one. If they do it'll either be coming straight back or to the nearest dogs home.

AgentZigzag · 21/04/2014 20:00

YANBU, but I'm sure your DDs will get over it quickly, and I agree with para that your DH should be the one to tell them, without blaming it on you!

He cocked up so he should take full responsibility, has all the advertising about making sure you're fully aware of what having a dog entails before you take one on completely passed him by?

If he's not done it to piss you off why is he still arguing the toss? Would he be happy with the dog being looked after by someone who hasn't got the time and didn't want it in the first place?

He has no other choice but to back down because he's totally in the wrong.

SpiderNugent · 21/04/2014 20:00

a dog is exactly the same responsibility as another baby, that wont grow up

they wont walk it when its pissing down and cold
they wont get up in the night to let it out for a wee
they wont clear up when its sick and poos everywhere

and, no way would i ever ever have a dog around babies - and i say that as a dog owner of two large dogs

Ruprekt · 21/04/2014 20:00

If the dog makes it to your house, book a hotel for 2 nights, Fri and Sat and have a lovely peaceful weekend.

Leave him to it.

Twin babies
Cleaning
Cooking
Entertaining the girls
Dog poo and wee

I would be AngryAngryAngryAngryAngryAngry

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 21/04/2014 20:01

Yanbu, obviously. What a selfish irresponsible thing for him to have done. I too would feel taken for granted at having 'one more thing' to look after, grrr.
He needs to tell your girls he's been an irresponsible thoughtless twat. They will get over it, but do not take the blame yourself for their disappointment. Really feel for you.

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