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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 21/04/2014 20:17

Sorry, OP, misread it to think he had actually brought the wretched dog in. Not quite as awful as I had thought. Just warn him that that is what you will do and MEAN IT!

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:17

Happy

I like that. Maybe that's the way he needs to explain it to the Dcs, as well

Trillions · 21/04/2014 20:18

YANBU. This is completely unacceptable!

BolshierAyraStark · 21/04/2014 20:19

Andrew did you really fucking write that? Hmm

FairPhyllis · 21/04/2014 20:20

To bring a pet into the home, everyone has to be on board with it.

It's of course totally unreasonable of him to lump this burden on you, and doubly unfair that you are going to be framed as the one spoiling everybody's fun.

I would make him explain to the children why you will not be getting a dog, and sit in on it to make sure he takes responsibility for disappointing them instead of blaming Nasty Mummy.

quietbatperson · 21/04/2014 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 21/04/2014 20:21

YANBU. If he thinks that you are please show him some of these messages on your thread. It will make you seem the mother from hell to your DC , at least for 24 hours, but you simply tell you DH to phone up his mate to say that he has changed his mind. Ps your DH is an arse!

2468Motorway · 21/04/2014 20:21

So not unreasonable. You must be run off your feet and quite stressed without a blimin puppy.

I don't have any babies anymore, 3 kids plus job and if anyone said here you must look after this puppy for ever, it might just push me over the edge.

What a knob your DH has been.

HopefulHamster · 21/04/2014 20:21

Can you do the thing of leaving him for a weekend so he gets it? Sigh. I suspect he really doesn't get it and is just trying to please the girls without thinking through the ramifications. He doesn't realise it will be hard work and won't have to either.

joanofarchitrave · 21/04/2014 20:22

Brilliant to have a puppy, well done your DH! He must have a really cool boss who would be happy for him to bring a puppy to work, take it for walks during the working day, time out for training classes in the daytime, in and out every 20 minutes to housetrain it.

Oh, would there be a problem with that?

Hmm

Sod you dealing with the fallout. He can tell the children tonight, with the reason being his fault, and he can take a day off work tomorrow to look after YOU. Or look after the 4 kids while you get lost into the countryside for a little alone time.

NoRoomForALittleOne · 21/04/2014 20:22

I also have 4 DC aged 6, 5, 3 and 9 months. If my DH suggested a puppy, I would suggest that he gave me a day off of looking after the DC so that he could see what it's like. Let's face it, being around at the weekend and never parenting 4 DC alone is very different from the experience that our DH's have of parenthood. My DH is helpful and hands on too. But there is no way I could manage a puppy. Also, what happens if you go back to work when the DTs are a bit bigger and at preschool or school? What happens to the dog then? Just because you are conveniently (for the sake of a dog) a SAHM now doesn't mean you will be forever.

Fairylea · 21/04/2014 20:23

I'm another one that's so angry on your behalf!!

Can I suggest that once he's told the dc that he was an idiot and there will be no puppy that he books some time off work and you bugger off for a few days alone and leave him to it? It sounds like he has absolutely no bloody clue how hard your life is.

seeminglyso · 21/04/2014 20:23

YANBU you have four kids why on earth would you want a dog too! Extra work and money I would be livid those are decisions you BOTH have to make!

HypodeemicNerdle · 21/04/2014 20:23

Bloody hell what an idiot (not you OP, your DH)

I totally agree he has to be the one to tell your DC no, where the hell is his brain?

I have 3 DC, 9, 7 and 3 and we would all like a dog, but we know that we don't have enough time or money to give one a proper life so it'll have to wait. A new pet should be a family decision and the person who will ultimately take responsibility must be in full agreement.

DH is going to owe you big time for this fuck up

DieselSpillages · 21/04/2014 20:23

Poor you Op ....He hasn't got a clue has he. YANBU

Fairenuff · 21/04/2014 20:23

Just tell the girls that you would have loved a puppy too but daddy changed his mind about looking after it. That'll teach him.

Andrewofgg · 21/04/2014 20:24

BolshierAyraStark You will see that I corrected my first comment (20:15:03) with another at 20:17:26. I stand by them both. OP should not allow this to happen. For all the reasons that others have said: most recently BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted. A dog is hard work and we all know where the work will fall.

kennyp · 21/04/2014 20:25

my dh was desperate for a dog. of course he bloody was, he works 12 hours a day. i said to him if worked 12 hours a day i'd want a baby tiger and a sheep and three giraffes.

could you compromise with a guinea pig/two??????

he's being totally knobby. wake him up crying in a lonely way and pee on the kitchen floor incessantly and ask him to deal with it for a month before he gets a bloody puppy. i could rant for much longer ....

CookieMonsterIsHot · 21/04/2014 20:25

An 8yo can defo understand.

My 8yo wanted a puppy and another sibling. Ye gods! I explained why not. He understood. He explains it to his younger siblings very nicely too whenever they raise the subject.

My 3yo is currently gutted that she won't grow up to be a winged fairy Santa Claus if she eats only toast. Her cousin said she could (!). I am a bad guy apparently. She'll get over it.

mumminio · 21/04/2014 20:26

YANBU! It sounds like you're coping with the 4 children, so well done you for being a superhero Thanks. Sounds like your husband doesn't really understand how much hard work you're doing. Could you leave him at home with all 4 children one weekend, for as long as you think it would take for him to come around to your way of thinking?

Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 20:26

tea your 8 year old is old enough to understand what needs to happen to have a healthy happy dog.

When the initial storm has calmed down, Find a dog owner forum or website and sit down with her and read about the kind of advice there is about deciding to get a dog, how to choose a breed, what kind of training they need, how to make sure they're happy and healthy.

Impress on her that taking on the role of a caretaker for an animals life is not something to be taken lightly. Animals aren't toys. Ask her what her dad failed to take into consideration and then explain why so many animals end up in shelters.

If she gets it she might start helping out with the bloody rabbit Grin

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/04/2014 20:28

I am crying on your behalf.
YANBU.
I don't know how best to sort it out though (andrews suggestion was the first one to run through my mind Blush)
Your DH was wrong. He needs to sort it out.
But it sounds as though he made a stupid and thoughtless decision rather than one on the ltb scale.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/04/2014 20:30

I'd be annoyed with the friend too tbh.
When ones dh risks behaving like a knob I'd hope a friend to not lead him by the hand into Knobville.

Zamboni · 21/04/2014 20:30

YA so NBU and your DH is being a dick.

I suggest you show him this thread.

Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 20:30

Just tell the girls that you would have loved a puppy too but daddy changed his mind about looking after it. That'll teach him

faire that's just tremendous

Honestly tea the way this threads taken off you could probably have enough protesters outside your house to be able to blame not having a dog in them!

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