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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
CookieMonsterIsHot · 21/04/2014 20:08

So, DDs will be gutted because he promised them something without thinking it through. He has upset you too with his thoughtlessness.

Gosh, he's got a lot of making up to do.

Perhaps helping the DDs take care of their rabbit would be a suitable penance.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 21/04/2014 20:08

OMG what was he thinking?! YANBU. At all. Has he even considered how much work a puppy is? I was be fuming. And if the kids pull the 'mummy is no fun' shit I would point out that if responsibility for the rabbit hole had rested on them, it would be dead by now.

ChasedByBees · 21/04/2014 20:09

I think I would want to kill him.

This ^

I feel furious for you. How dare he? How bloody massively disrespectful! And now he's not going to tell them as he wants to be fun dad, leaving you to be the bad guy, how dare he?! I think I'd actually be on the verge of LTB for his sheer thoughtlessness and being so bloody disrespectful.

WaitMonkey · 21/04/2014 20:09

I'd also be livid. I don't think anyone should get a pet unless everyone in the household agrees.

ChasedByBees · 21/04/2014 20:10

And yes, I would insist he take annual leave for 3 days or so and leave him to do all the tasks you do daily.

Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 20:10

Dammit pressed too soon!

Based off this one post I could completely see the dh going ahead anyway.

I don't know one dog lover who would allow a puppy to be homed in a situation like this. My first aim would be to not allow the situation to get to a point where the puppy made it into the house.

It's just too cruel when it's such a short phase in their lives to get homed properly. If they end up with it and have to rehome later on the poor creatures chances are so much less than they are now of being settled.

It's just unnecessary upheaval and hurt all round.

MoonRover · 21/04/2014 20:11

Oh he is totally clueless. I think he needs to start taking care of all 4 children all weekend on his own, asap. He will have to factor laundry, shopping, cooking, haircuts, dental appointments, and swimming lessons into his weekends, just to get a taste of your life. Then get him to borrow a puppy to add to the mix. Of course, he will also have to shop for puppy things, do the vet's visits, the puppy training, the walks etc in his time. Hope he enjoys a carrier bag of shit in his pocket.

And whilst he's doing all this, you can sit on your arse pysl at how he's coping.

Failing that, tell him if he gets a puppy, you're getting a boyfriend.

Also, show him this thread.

EatDessertFirst · 21/04/2014 20:11

YADNBU. Words can't describe how stupid you H has been.

Agreeing with PP that he should be the one to let the children down. Or if he refuses, make him take some annual leave and make HIM train the puppy while you watch and snigger.

Alternatively, if he does bring one home, take it to a rehoming centre while he is at work. It would not be fair on you, your DC or the dog to have it in an environment that it isn't welcome in.

RiceBurner · 21/04/2014 20:12

YADNBU.

Maybe he's not exactly an arse ... maybe he just thinks how lovely it would be for the kids to have a puppy, without stopping to think about who's going to look after it etc. (And now he's trapped himself, as HE needs to be the one to tell the kids it ain't going to happen.)

So it's not a great situation for either of you, & so I do hope you can manage to sort it out without too much bad feeling on both sides.

Good luck!

Smartiepants79 · 21/04/2014 20:13

He might as well have just brought home another baby.
This is utterly unacceptable.
Stick by your decision.
Until they can prove they can care for an animal themselves they don't get a puppy.
It's a living thing not a toy.
I would be completely fuming.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 21/04/2014 20:13

You are so not being unreasonable. That was incredibly short sighted on your dhs part. He needs to tell the kids that he got it wrong.

BolshierAyraStark · 21/04/2014 20:14

YADNBU & fuck being the one to break the news to your DD's that job lies firmly with the knob who promised the puppy in the first place & there should be no mention of you in the discussion.
As an aside it would also be completely unfair on the poor dog as you & your family clearly don't have the time to devote to the animal.

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:14

Rice

How can a man with 4 children have no awareness of what it takes to look after them? That's what gets me

And if he can't tell the children then he's an immature arse.

Sorry OP. This one should win prizes

fuzzpig · 21/04/2014 20:14

YANBU what a complete muppet

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:14

we are all so angry Grin

SilverShadows · 21/04/2014 20:14

Oh good lord.

Firstly, call said friend and say under no circumstances are you, or DH having a puppy.

Secondly, next weekend you need to be away for the full weekend so he sees how demanding it is dealing with the 4DCs by himself

Thirdly, I agree with the posters that say until the DDs can take care of the rabbit, then no dog.

You are not being U. My puppy is 11 months old and I struggled, without 5/6 month old babies. You are absolutely in the right.

Andrewofgg · 21/04/2014 20:15

Give him 24 hours and then take the beast to the vet yourself. Tell the DCs it got run over. Tell the DH the same if you have to. But get rid of it

ParkingFred · 21/04/2014 20:15

What a selfish arse.

And you get to look like the bad guy again.

I would be furious.

Nennypops · 21/04/2014 20:15

You are so NBU. I really want to get hold of DH and ask what on earth is going through his head to think that this is even possible, let alone that you would be pleased. He has to tell the DDs that this is not going to happen, and he needs to make it clear that their disappointment is entirely his fault. A reference to failure to look after the rabbit definitely wouldn't go amiss, to get it through to them that the shouldn't make promises they can't keep.

Blu · 21/04/2014 20:15

Bloody hell! BLOODY HELL!

He is so completely out of order.

He will have to tell the girls and also do it without making it your responsibility.

And then, at the earliest opportunity, you should disappear for 2 days and leave him in sole charge, but while you are gone send regular texts at the most inconvenient times, saying 'puppy would now need walking ' 'puppy has messed in the floor' 'puppy barking, neighbours complaining' etc etc.

He is so completely disrespectful. Once you have calmed down you need to talk him through very seriously everything you have written here.

I would be be beside myself with anger if DP had done this.

mineofuselessinformation · 21/04/2014 20:15

Another YANBU here....
And you need to sit him down and tell him that the 'fun dad' versus 'boring mum' shit needs to stop too - it won't end well.

HappyAsASandboy · 21/04/2014 20:16

I think I'd wait until I'd calmed down and the kids are all asleep and then explain all over again why a dog is so much work and you won't have time for it. If he still wants a dog, then he has to prove he can look after it for a month before you'll consider this again.

By price he can look after it, I suggest he:

Gets up and goes for a walk of at least 30 mins before work.
Gets up twice during the night and sits on the kitchen floor for 30 mins each time.
Puts £10 in a jar on the shelf every day to pay for a dog walker to come at lunch time (without impacting family finances, so coming from money he would normally spend in himself - maybe he'll have to take a packed lunch so his lunch money can go to the dog walker?).
Get home in time to go for another 30 min walk in the evening.
Get home by 5.30 at least once a week to show he could be home to attend puppy training classes, and stick another £10 per week in the jar to pay for said classes.

After a month, the conversation can be opened again. Meanwhile, the current puppy owners need to be told that you won't be having one of their puppies, and the girls need to be told that Dad is on trial for a month to see if he is capable of caring for a puppy.

Good luck!

Original poster
TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 20:16

maras2 That made me smile Grin

SugarandSpite God, reading that has absolutley confirmed I could not cope with a puppy. I think I might read it to DH (when I can bring myself to talk to him)

I've just text him [mature] saying 'HAve you told them yet?'

Thing is they will know it is me who has said no. DD1 will ask why can't mum look after it whilst they're at school. I can try and explain why but how can i expect an 8 year old to understand when her 40 something dad doesn't seem to!

OP posts:
JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:16

mine

yes

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/04/2014 20:16

FOUR KIDS UNDER 8 and two of them 22 week-old twins and he thinks you've got the time, inclination and energy to house-train a bloody puppy? What planet is he on?

He's a selfish twerp. How dare he make a promise to your children without consulting you first?

I hope you're going to make him sleep on the couch until he breaks the news to your daughters that the puppy is a non-starter and it was all his fault for making a promise that he couldn't keep.

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