AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

[TeaFor6]

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken . I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no )

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome

Have him put down. ... your DH that is.

Well meaning (to the kids), a moment of madness, whatever, but it can't happen.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
But - please, please, please DO NOT take seriously Andrews suggestion of letting it into the house, and then taking it to the vets to have it killed . It's not the poor puppy's fault is it? A good vet won't destroy a healthy puppy anyway.
Just refuse to allow it in the house, or if he brings it anyway, wait til he goes to work and take it straight back to the 'breeder' - say "I did not agree to have this dog, I cannot take care of it, so here it is, please find it a good home, where it will be loved and cared for."

He text me back saying maybe we shoulld wait a few days so we can discuss it and tell tehm when we've made a final decision?

What a fucking fantastic idea!!!! If he'd just done that in the first place we wouldn't be in this mess

I've said I have made a decision and i've sent him a condensed version of what some posters have said (sorry forgotten names) about what it takes to look after a puppy.

He's also forwarded me a pcture of the puppy saying "aww, who wouldn't want me..."
FFS

So. Incredibly. Unreasonable. (Him, not you).

My DD is just a few months older than your DTs and I really don't like dogs around her indoors. The potential for nips (or worse), dog hair in food, puppy accidents being walked in (or worse) makes me uncomfortable, even though I love dogs. Not to mention manky puppy/dog lick on fingers and faces when we all know what our four-legged friends get up to with their snouts. And the garden mess. Even "good" dogs can be a menace. DNiece was knocked over by a wagging tail and cracked her head. No one's fault. Just incompatible in the same living room IMHO.

He made a bad call in saying yes. I'm afraid that in the Feng household, grovelling apologies would be owed to me and to DDs. Perhaps a sweetner might be that you'll consider it in future if they are responsible for their rabbit.

Even then, I'd prob get a slightly older dog that needed rehoming. DSis and SIL both got puppies when I had DD (broody, I guess!). I was sleeping through the night before they were. Those buggers HOWL.

You do incredibly well to cope with all that is already on your to.do list (no idea how wondermums manage it - I only.have 2 DCs, mountains of help and my house is always a tip and I'm forever knackered!). I would be feeling v underappreciated, even though I suspect it's more stupidity on his part. Maybe you do your job so well that you somehow make it look easy?!

Sympathy!

at mners turning up to protest outside my house. That would give him a shock!

Sorry but is he just stupid? He actually texted you that as a reply? Wtf?

Is he always this immature and pathetic?

Could DD walk a neighbour's dog at the weekend? Or join a dog walking group. With Daddy of course.

He has to arrange it. And do it with them. Even if it is raining. Alone if the DD don't want to. Even if he doesn't want to. Even if he is tired after a hard hard week.

Key thing: you have zero part to play, DD get doggy time, he suffers for caving to their dog pleading. .

Another YANBU and fuming on your behalf here .

The disrespect of making a decision like that without consulting you is awful, but his sheer lack of awareness of what things are like for you day to day is somehow worse! Even when (no if about it) he has told your DD's it won't be happening, I would still be very tempted to go away for a weekend & leave him with the kids. He is taking you for granted & that needs to be nipped in the bud sharpish!

Good lord OP I am livid on your behalf, like so many others!

You are SO not being unreasonable it's untrue.

We have three children (9, 4 and 1) and I absolutely know I could not cope with a puppy. My DH, despite working very very similar working hours to yours, and doing a similar amount of travel to yours, absolutely knows this too. Because he's got enough common sense and empathy, not to mention understanding and experience of how much work it is to look after young children to know that it just would not be a good plan. The fact that your DH seems to have no clue about this is really sad.

Lots of people have posted the clear concise reality of what raising a young puppy actually involves. Get your DH to read the thread, and then explain the situation (and acknowledge that he completely and utterly messed this one up) to your girls. And if they strop about it, you would also be completely reasonable to explain that they don't bother looking after their rabbit so why on earth would you even vaguely assume that they're going to help look after a dog?

(As an aside, tell them that there's a strong possibility that the puppy will either kill, maim or else frighten their rabbit to death, too).

God your OP has made me cross. For you and your poor DDs. Epic, EPIC fail for your DH.

Hope you can get him to see sense.

Even if you buggered off for the weekend he wouldn't really have a window into you world. Anyone can hold it all together for a bit. It's all the other stuff you have to do that often mums (especially sahms) end up with. The long term investments, not just short term goals like eating and sleeping.

Ensuring homework is done, vaccines are done, playdates are returned (and are mostly harmonious). Dinner money paid/lunches made, music practise done, brownies/swimming/beavers attended.Not to mention housework, bake sales, toddler groups. This can often be a pain in the behind, but with a dog in tow or a puppy who can't be left too long it could become unmanageable. Not including, the walking and vet trips. I'm so cross on your behalf I have posted twice!

Has he ever had sole care of all 4 kids for any length of time? Could you leave him for a weekend with them all?

I too would plead you don't take Andrews awful advice-you can't put a healthy animal to sleep just because you have a fuckwit at home that doesn't realise it doesn't fit with your lifestyle, ffs
Truly vile.

I just don't think he realises how upset I am.

I do feel a lot calmer now though so I think we will have to have a serious talk tonight.

Unfortunately I don't think we will be a ble to tell the DDs tonight. It is well past their bedtime (as of course I was too busy sulking to tell them to go to bed and god forbid H would think of that..) and they will be so overtired. I feel terrible letting them go to bed still thinking they can have a dog but upsetting them when they're overtired and right before bedtime will be a recipe for disaster.

H is putting them to bed (after I told him to) and then I will sit him down to talk. I feel much more confident after reading you're replies. It's good to know i'm not just being hysterical!

The puppy is a symptom of a much bigger problem here, he doesn't give a shit about your workload, stress levels, being a team, how the DC's perceive you etc. I could not put up with a partner like that. How completely disrespectful of him.

Theresadogonyourballs My first idea was when I misread the post and thought OP's manchild had brought the dog home - if he had, my idea would have been the only solution.

But he hasn't, he's an arse but not quite such an arse as that.

He seems in fact to be backing down. Tea congratulations and I hope the MN jury were of some help. If he suggests it again buy a kennel and put him in it.

'He's also forwarded me a pcture of the puppy saying "aww, who wouldn't want me..."
FFS'

Text him a picture of a dog turd, with the caption 'You, this, 2am, every night for six months, with 4 kids to look after 13 hours a day'

I suggest simulating a Real Life Puppy Experience. By which I mean:

Hide a mousetrap in his sock drawer (biting)

Put his most treasured object or item of clothing in the waste disposal unit (chewing)

Wee in his briefcase just before he is about to go to work, after a night of waking him up with recordings of puppies crying.

When we've made a final decision! WTAF! He intends for you to cave.

I'd go downstairs and tell them myself now. You are being played. The longer you wait the harder it will be for them. What a cunt.

So what if you are the bad guy? Get it over with or you'll be looking after a puppy while resenting the fuck out of him.

Don't apologise. Tell them Daddy made a mistake, he forgot you had already said no because dogs are too much work. Silly Daddy. Then suggest the dog walking thing to them.

I agree 100% with Dorothy "The puppy is a symptom of a much bigger problem here, he doesn't give a shit about your workload, stress levels, being a team, how the DC's perceive you etc"

Bolshie what I suggested (the vet, not the kennel!) was meant to solve the appalling problem I thought had arisen with the dog in the house already. Glad that's not the case.

'H is putting them to bed (after I told him to) '

How can a man who has 4 children have no idea about the need for adult intervention to get them to bed??

YANBU at all! I used to think puppies were adorable. Still do, but definitely at a distance. My friend got a Border collie puppy while working full time. She was exhausted - she lives alone with no family near and had to do everything for the puppy. Also lives in a flat so every pee needed proper clothes on and out to the street. She did puppy classes/socialisation etc but dog is incredibly neurotic and has nipped a child in the park.

My mum got a golden retriever puppy, who was adorable and v good natured. She didn't work, so could devote full time attention to him. All went well until she got puppy no 2, another retriever, who was boisterous, badly behaved (in a v cute way), took ages to house-train and had v sensitive stomach so crapped everywhere for weeks. She has grown up into a lovely dog but is still difficult to control. Mum got a dog whisperer type trainer in the end who said she had never known a retriever who was so headstrong and difficult to train.

These experiences put me off a puppy for life - and neither adopter had any small kids, let alone 22 wo twins! I have a 2yo and when she was born our dog of many years came within an ace of having to be rehomed. He was petrified of her and howled when she cried. Luckily he acclimatised but the first few weeks were a nightmare. And she was tiny, not a crawling baby who thinks the new puppy is the greatest toy ever. This is such a bad idea.