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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH? So angry and frustrated!

320 replies

TeaFor6 · 21/04/2014 19:45

I am feeling really upset and furious with DH right now but not sure if I’m totally overreacting. I need a rant but also some impartial opinions.
Married 9 years. We have DDs 7 & 5 and twin DSs 22 weeks.

I say this because I think it’s relevant to explain my feelings: DTs were not planned. DDs were out of the baby/toddler stage and a bit more independent, we were comfortable with money, felt our family was complete. I was a SAHM but started back at work which I was really excited about! I had been working 5 wks when I found out I was pg Hmm A few wks later we found out it was twins!

Despite the problems we chose to go ahead with the pg and obviously I’m so glad we did, we all love Dts to bits and couldn’t imagine life without them! However I have found it difficult to go back to the baby/SAHM stage, and 4 children is a lot of work! DH has a fairly demanding job and is out of the house from 7am to 7/8pm most days. He also has to do overnight stays (1 or 2 nights) sometimes. This is about twice a month. He is a great dad and v. hands on with DCs at wkends.

Now to the problem: DDs have been asking to get a dog for a few months. I have always said no. I like dogs but right now I think it would just be way too much work. Who would walk it? DDs are too young to do it alone and I don’t fancy struggling with a double buggy and a dog every day on top of everything else. Plus dogs cost money (food, vets bills etc) we are managing atm but don’t need any extra strain on finances. DDs insist they will take responsibility but the same thing was said about the rabbit we got them the year before last. Guess who does all the cleaning out and feeding? [hmml]. I just feel like a dog would be a huge extra burden on me that I really don’t want right now.

I thought DH and I were in agreement on this bt today he took the DDs out for the afternoon. When they arrived back DDs burst through the door full of excitement and announced to me that we were getting a puppy!!! Apparently they had bumped into a friend of ours and DC at the park and gone back to their house to see the puppies their dog has had. Friend is looking for homes for the puppies, DDs asked to have one and DH has said yes! He says the DDs really want one and it will be nice for them and he thought I would be pleased Shock

I am furious! What the hell was he thinking promising this without talking to me first? And not just any dog, a fucking puppy!! (Which will presumably need housetraining, etc) He thinks I am being a misery and it will be fun to have a puppy, but he just. Doesn’t. Get. It. He is hardly ever in the house during the week so it will be me dealing with it whilst looking after 2 young babies, taking older dcs to and from school, cooking meals, looking after the house and doing all the other jobs that he seems to think are done by the fucking house elves Angry
We are just not in a position to take on this puppy but the DDs now think they are getting one and are so excited. They are going to be heartbroken Sad. I know we need to tell them sooner rather than later but DH is refusing because he thinks I will come round! I should tell them but that’ll make me the bad guy yet again (lovely daddy says we can have a puppy but nasty mummy says no Sad)

DH and I have had a big row and I’ve shut myself in the bedroom to feed the DTs and have a good cry. I just feel like he doesn’t appreciate how hard it is with 4 children all week, and the sacrifices I have made for the family. The fact that he can think nothing about piling more work and responsibility on me makes me so angry. I know he doesn’t mean to upset me but he just doesn’t think. He will bugger off back to work tomorrow and leave me to deal with the fallout.
I am so upset, but am I overreacting? Its hard to know whether I’m just overly tired or projecting my frustration at being a SAHM again (my decision and the right one but not what I planned for this stage in my life)
Any honest opinions welcome Smile

OP posts:
Itsfab · 21/04/2014 20:01

Obviously YANBU.

My thought is 2 babies = a puppy = disaster from the point of view of dogs killing children.

He is a twat. Disney dad in the making. Makes grand gestures but isn't man enough to admit he was wrong to your older kids. Controlling too as assuming you will back down.

ApocalypseNowt · 21/04/2014 20:01

Get him to tell them you can't have a puppy BUT don't let him blame you in any way at all. By default it's usually mums who end up being the 'less fun' parent anyway without being blamed as the fun police who won't allow a puppy.

Fairenuff · 21/04/2014 20:02

Make sure he doesn't tell them that you wouldn't let them have one. Remind him, it's his decision. If he is going do all the care, come home from work twice a day to feed, walk and clear up after it, then fine. It's his choice too, not just yours.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 21/04/2014 20:02

If it were me, I'd say the same and I've not got baby twins!

maras2 · 21/04/2014 20:02

I'll come round and tell them and give Disney Dad a piece of my mind at the same time.:)

MyFirstName · 21/04/2014 20:02

You are absolutely, totally, definitely not being unreasonable. So much so it gets typed out IN FULL!

Your DH is a twat for agreeing to this. It is his responsibility to tell them that he was a twat and it cannot happen.

I agree to the maybe making it a "maybe in a few years if you can show you can look after your rabbit". Point out to your DDs as well that it wold not be fair on the puppy to come into a home which is not suitable for a young dog. Daddy is too busy to look after it and Mummy cannot.

And maybe consider offering to speaking to a few friends with dogs - offer to dog-sit for the odd weekend. Show your DDs and DH what it involved - without the commitment.

I am furious on your behalf.

(Oh and we have a dog. Had her before DCs. NO WAY would I get a puppy with under 5s in the house.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/04/2014 20:02

Dear family. You can't even look after a rabbit. Until you can; no way can you have a puppy.

Now, anyone who disagrees; needs to clean up the poo that I left earlier in their bed. Which is exactly what will happen if we have a puppy; as I'm not doing it.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 21/04/2014 20:03

He has to tell the DCs and not out the blame on you. Flowers

Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 20:03

limelight, I don't think he should even be given the option of making any promises now just to inevitably break them later on. He'll just agree now to get his own way.

tea I'm sure you love him, but honestly he's pulled a massive dick move on this. His guilt is his problem, it's not fair to make you the only adult in the household. I'm not entirely sure how you go about fixing it, but I would be furious with him for weeks.

Inertia · 21/04/2014 20:03

Your husband is being a complete shit.

Perhaps to reinforce exactly how unreasonable he is being, you should invite the friend to call in with a totally untrained puppy just before dinner time and then leave DH to sort out the puppy and the children while you and friend go out for a lovely meal.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/04/2014 20:04

YANBU.

He should be the one to tell them, not you. Don't make yourself the bad parent because he's made a fucking stupid decision. If he wants a puppy tell him he can be at home to bloody look after it. 24 hours a day!!

AgentZigzag · 21/04/2014 20:04

I would say he should ring the puppy person too Cornetto, it'd be a bit shit the OP involving them in this and telling them not to give it to her DH. What if they say no?

diddl · 21/04/2014 20:04

Well he's just going to have to tell them no, he made a mistake.

We didn't get a dog until the kids were old enough to be left alone whilst I was walking it.

Also got a dog not a puppy as I CBA to toilet train.

Timeforabiscuit · 21/04/2014 20:04

I'm sorry OP - you seem to have married someone who is thick as mince!

He is going to have to explain that because he is away all week he cannot take care of a puppy, it wouldn't be fair on the animal, that he got over excited and over promised.

... are your daughters old enough to volunteer at a pet sanctuary or the vets? a couple of weekends cleaning cages may dampen their enthusiasm?

sugarandspite · 21/04/2014 20:05

My god what an arse he is.

We had a puppy and a year later our first DC. I love DDog to bits but I swear taking care of him on my own when DH was working away a lot nearly broke me - much harder than looking after a newborn!

To give you an example, a puppy will need to be taken out for a wee at least once middle of the night every night for the first few weeks, you'll get up about 6am with them to take them out to the loo and while housetraining you take them outside every 20mins or so. Even the quick learners forget and you'll be wiping up pee / crap frequently - with possibly crawling kids? No fun.

Until they've had their jabs, you can't let them walk in public areas, but they still needs lots of socialisation and seeing the world so you'll need to carry them around with you. They get v heavy and v wriggly.

Puppies take a while to learn to be gentle. Most are nippy, as that's how they play but their teeth are like little needles so even though they're playing, it hurts! And then they go through teething and theirs teeth hurt, so they chew EVERYTHING. DDog wasn't too much of a chewer and we were careful with our stuff but he still went through 3 pairs of shoes, numerous socks, 2 remote controls and the best part of a larg bucket.

Many puppies have tons of energy so although they'll have regular naps, they won't understand the concept of 'settling down in the evening'. Once the kids are in bed, they'll be wanting attention and play and if you just want to chill on the sofa / do chores, they'll get naughty to get your attention.

Nice dogs are the result of training classes, lots of training at home and taking them everywhere with you to see the world. It will be like having an extra toddler.

Don't get me wrong, dogs are a joy but I swear, having a puppy and 4 kids including 2 small twins would quite literally send me over the edge.

Anotheronebitthedust · 21/04/2014 20:05

I agree with the unanimous YANBU. Maybe you could explain what you have written in your last paragraph to him (write it down if it is hard to talk about face to face, or you think it will cause another row). You come across as very reasonable, but if he is in anyway a decent husband or father he will not be able to argue with your points about it being you that will do all the work, and the way it hurts that he didn't discuss it with you. Perhaps you could make a list of all the daily chores you do, present him with it, and ask when you are supposed to make time to train, walk, clean, supervise, the puppy? Maybe he knows all the work you do daily, but doesn't really 'see' it, and a long (long long) list will help him understand it, and visualise it better.

WRT explaining to the children - they are very young, so you can always bend the truth a little, i.e. say you've just been told you can't have dogs in the house (even if you own your property rather than rent, a 7yr old won't understand that distinction), or you've been to the dr who said you/dh/grandparents are allergic to dogs. Or even, with the recent items in the news, that you are worried about introducing a dog to the house while your twins are so young. Make sure DH is with you and supports you fully with the explanation.

Personally I would NOT have the dog and then leave the mess until DH appreciates it, as suggested above. Firstly because you will be the one living with said mess on a day to day basis (and it's not as though you can just leave dog mess around with children in the house), and secondly because 'getting rid' of the dog after a short period will be harder for your children than never having one, unfair on the poor dog, and will place a burden on rscpca, or whatever dog home it may have to go to if you can't find a buyer.

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:05

Jeez

YANBU. It's like having another baby!. Arse.

LongTailedTit · 21/04/2014 20:05

Wow you as so NBU you're in the dictionary under the definition of 'reasonable'.

Apart from all the obvious reasons to say no right now, what happens in 4 years time when the DTs are off to school and you finally get the chance to go back to work? Depending on the breed it isn't necessarily possible/acceptable to leave a dog at home for a working day. Are you supposed to stay a SAHM to a bloody dog?
Actually, what breed is it?

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:06

HE has to tell them, and take full responsibility for their upset

Cornettoninja · 21/04/2014 20:07

Agent I completely see where you're coming from, but based off this

Writerwannabe83 · 21/04/2014 20:07

Oh my God, OP, you have my sympathies!!

If I was in your situation I would be absolutely fuc*ing livid!!

I really can't believe your husband had done this, how utterly, utterly selfish of him.

Stand your ground and do NOT let him have his way and make sure he's the one to tell his daughters that there won't be a dog and not because of 'nasty mommy' but because he was a stupid! stupid idiot for saying it would be ok.

I feel so angry for you!!
How incredibly stupid is your DH?!

Driveway · 21/04/2014 20:07

A puppy is harder work than a baby I think. Your DH is being so disrespectful and... Fucking stupid!
Don't back down.

SpiderNugent · 21/04/2014 20:07

and, not to put too finer point on it, it would be incredibly unfair on the dog

i rescued a dog from a woman who had five kids under five and the poor thing was being fed crap because she couldnt afford or didnt know what to feed him, he wasnt trained and was a nervous wreck. its so unfair on the poor animals

Herecomesthesciencebint · 21/04/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JonesRipley · 21/04/2014 20:08

I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old. Everyone, even me, would like a dog. But everyone, especially me knows what it entails and knows I have the veto.

I am gobsmacked at his thoughtlessness