to think MIL is unreasonable re children's diet

[parakeet]

I know this comes up a lot but I do think we have special circumstances going on. One of our children is overweight - she doesn't look it, but her BMI is on the 75th centile. This is something we have been addressing for years, consulting an NHS dietician to get the diet right, we try to get her exercising every day, etc. Her BMI is actually very slowly coming down, but it's obviously something we need to stay on top of. We do allow a maximum of one "treat food" a day, eg an ice cream or a couple of plain biscuits.

We have explained all this to MIL but she seems to feel it's her right to feed the children crap. DH took the children up for a visit this past week, while I worked and it emerged she had bought in specially one of those variety packs of cereal so they were eating cocoa pops and frosties for breakfast. We have explained we really don't want to get them into cocoa pops habit, as until now they have been quite happy with a rather plain breakfast cereal. It also emerged she gave them two medium sized Easter eggs each. Surely one small one each would have been sufficient.

I told DH that in future we should ask her not to get in the cereal variety packs specially and only one Easter egg. He disagrees as his mum has health issues and essentially he thinks we should indulge her. I completely disagree as I think the children's health comes first. Both children adore MIL and they do not need to be bribed in this way, they just enjoy spending time with her.

I don't wish to argue with DH about this, I feel like ringing up MIL and politely putting forward my views, which I feel she would probably respect, as she is always very nice to me. Would I be unreasonable to do this?

I think that is a problem tobys mum. Even adults do the "I am lucky I can eat anything and not put weight on" but they lose sight of the fact they are still putting too much of the wrong things into their body and that is still harmful in the long term

Overindulgence us as bad as neglect. Feeding crap does not equate to love. Spoiling to the extent it happens is very unsupportive.

Both dh and his ds were chubby children. Ds doesn't see them very often and both sides go totally overboard when they do to overcompensate for their lack of interest. Coco pops has lots of sugar sprinkled over, three slices of toast and nutella to follow and a massive bag of haribo. He has been sick more than once following a visit. Overfeeding to the point of vomiting has been (barely) addressed. However ds sees GPS so rarely that it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

We went to my family yesterday and DS grandad alone gave him 3 Eggs, he eventually left with about 10 eggs in total!

This doesnt mean he is going to eat them all because I am the adult.I will dole out some egg when it is appropriate.
We will melt most and make cakes etc which are treats which are shared by everyone.

I would be more concerned about the treat per day and the high carbs tbh.

Pick your battles.

It's interesting that it's almost exclusively in-laws breaking the food laws.

Not in my case, it's not just ils, both sides are as bad as each other.

Easter is once a year and now you have treat food to ration out for a good few weeks/months depending how often you give it out, I would suggest you weigh it out and bag it then hand it out at the appropriate treat time.
Coco pops are not something I would eat for breakfast but then again I wouldn't eat bran flakes if you paid me! I have boiled or scrambled eggs with wholemeal toast and find that I can last until lunchtime without having to eat anything other than a piece of fruit on occasion. I do 2 to 2 1/2 hours worth of exercise most mornings, we are mostly talking strength training along side various classes.

NHS dietician's always aim to correct weight issues over at least a two year period, they rarely ever want children to loose weight, but to maintain they same weight as they grow. This is the plan for my daughter ( I am separated from her father what made her overweight s beyond my control). It has taken 4 months to get the first noticeable change, but she has dropped from 99th centile to 98th centile. We never ever talk about being overweight, but about growing into ourselves. So the that it has taken the OP to several years to get to this stage is absolutely correct.
I do find that any kind of cereal is the worst kind of breakfast leaving DD hungry mid morning I use porridge with dried fruit, nuts and seeds or Yoghurt with homemade Granola.
We do a very tiny treat everyday (maybe two mini eggs) as the cause of the problem was massive over indulgence and not having anything at all I makes her feel hugely deprived and upset I'm not saying it's right, but you have to manage the emotions as well as the food. Though many adult diets such as Rosemary Connelly do exactly the same thing.
OP I tend to talk to my DD about making choices and just choosing a small amount of not so good food.

Don't worry about it. Surgery treats once every few weeks will not have an impact on her weight and actually 'granny treats' will holistically be good for her. Look at the bigger picture and it's really not worth getting your knickers in a twist.
If she is on such a healthy diet at home and yet still overweight I think that needs questioning. What is she having at school? Is she too carb heavy?

Our LO has Cheerios every now and again and it has never stopped him eating plain Shreddies, Weetabix, Shredded Wheat etc. I don't think the occasional sugared cereal hurts but I don't think I would be happy with chocolate cereals. Can that be your compromise?

I agree that maybe it is the daily treat you should cut back on. Our LO has sweet treats but not every day. Once it becomes part of the daily routine it becomes an expectation and the norm.

The two Easter egg thing is interesting. I would argue it depends on the size. Two small is fine. Two big ones is excessive. However, two big ones rationed over weeks is fine. The gift isn't the issue, it is how much of them they are allowed to consume.

My Grandmother used to take me fruit picking as a treat. Everyone won there... healthy treats and exercise for me, slave labour for her

Surely the average range lies between the 25th and 75th percentiles? So if anything she is just just just outside the average range?

Hmm - a quick google shows that in the US at least, 'healthy weight' lies between the 5th and 85th percentiles.

None of this has anything to do with how you and your MIL manage your children, but please don't get too hooked on numbers and percentiles. You may be making an unhealthy fuss about food for nothing.

Tobysmum I didn't suggest that there should be unrestricted access to all foods and I'd completely agree that some foods needs tao be carefully managed.

What I did say is that the op should stop using the term 'overweight' for her DD as she is.no longer overweight. Children overhear things all the time and they quickly pick up on How they are being treated around food. All of these things can quickly add up to children having issues with self image and their relationship with food particularly once they get more control of their own diet. This is very difficult to undo.

"My worry in all this is what is considered a treat...We do fruit kebabs as a treat.. Fruit faces..."

Such a gloriously "Mumsnet" post!

Do you lovingly carve Easter eggs out of melon too? Or, since the new concern about sugar, do you weave one out of strips of runner bean......

mil doesnt see them all that often, easter happens once a year, and your dd is normal bmi (isnt she?) so what i see is future issues over 'good' and 'bad' food

What Toby's mum said
But also check what else is in her diet. I am sorry to ask but if you genuinely believed that bran flakes was a healthy option, could you be making other well intentioned errors too?
Good luck, you and DD are doing well here remember

Glad you aren't going to call her. Treats at Grandmas. That's how it has always been. Two Easter egg won't be the end of the world. There generally isn't actually that much chocolate in them once all the wrapping is binned.

The thread just shows how different we all are and the poster needs to take her own decision. I regard coco pops and bran flakes as food of the devil. Others regard them as absolutely fine. Others think chocolate is fine. Others not. In my view it's addictive to so many people and like cocaine and booze you are better off having none of it. Most parents do not agree. My children only drink tap water.

For many Easter is about God not stuffing your face with junk food.

No my Ds does eat chocolate, crisps, chocolate cereal sometimes not every day...My point is that if you only treat unhealthy foods as treats that becomes the reward. I remember as a child a big bowl of cereal or fresh podded peas been a treat...

Why should only processed high sugar foods be what we teach kids are treats?

"For many Easter is about God not stuffing your face with junk food."

And for many it's about neither- it's about having a lovely day and eating some chocolate..........

75th centile is nog overweight.. a few bowls of sugary cereal and 2 easter eggs is not going to make much difference when she is used to treat foods daily T home.
Yabu

I think two Easter eggs is a bit much too. My kids are much older and my mil is still getting them a big box of celebrations every time they see her (once a month or so.)

I think you are doing the right thing with the one treat a day - especially as your DD BMI is coming down the proof is in the pudding and all that
I did the same thing with my kids although their treat was bigger than your DD gets. Now my kids are at Uni the still do the one treat a day rule . Obviously it's nothing to do with me anymore but I am pleased they are being sensible. It's interesting hearing how awfully some kids eat when they leave home.

I don't know how old your DD is (sorry if I missed it) but I think the most important thing is to give the responsibility to your DD about what she eats when she is out. We also had a coke 'once a week' rule which worked well and my kids monitored it themselves. I think this is incredibly important as they go through stages of going to loads of parties, friends or movies with other people who all seem desperate to stuff them with crap. They need to know how to say no.

I don't understand why edible things can't be treats. What else is the occasional chocolate- I'm not going to tell my children it's a food group that you only have once a week or something! There is food you eat every day, which includes the cheaper, most easily accessible fruit and cheap wine. Then there is treat food, that in our family includes chocolate, passion fruit,sushi, smoked salmon, Nutella, croissants, Palma ham, quail's eggs, sherbet lemons, oven chips, cocktail sausages, Vienettas, home made salted caramel ice cream (happy to supply to recipe to mumsnetters who agree with me!) wine costing more than a fiver a bottle, steak, sea bass......I could go on.

What do the "good is not a treat" brigade call this stuff?

I feel for you OP, my MIL never says no to DD about anything and she would eat all day if she could.

I think an added issue is that lots of parents now were kids in the 70s, when yes, we may have eaten a lot of sweets but our meals were tiny in comparison to now, and there wasn't the culture of going out to cafés etc all the time. Our DCs are bombarded by huge amounts of food all the time.

Marorana..I am saying the same as you I think ??? If you read OP treat is ice cream or biscuits these are all refined products... My point is these shouldn't be the only things treats..like you say passion fruit, ..I am certainly not saying never give biscuits or chocolate just simply a bit of balance..

My problem wouldn't be o much about the type of food (although I agree with you), but abut deliberately ignoring you and going against your wishes.

I hate the 'grandparents' right to spoill...'

FWIW we never give cereal, but something like egg and toast.