to think MIL is unreasonable re children's diet

[parakeet]

I know this comes up a lot but I do think we have special circumstances going on. One of our children is overweight - she doesn't look it, but her BMI is on the 75th centile. This is something we have been addressing for years, consulting an NHS dietician to get the diet right, we try to get her exercising every day, etc. Her BMI is actually very slowly coming down, but it's obviously something we need to stay on top of. We do allow a maximum of one "treat food" a day, eg an ice cream or a couple of plain biscuits.

We have explained all this to MIL but she seems to feel it's her right to feed the children crap. DH took the children up for a visit this past week, while I worked and it emerged she had bought in specially one of those variety packs of cereal so they were eating cocoa pops and frosties for breakfast. We have explained we really don't want to get them into cocoa pops habit, as until now they have been quite happy with a rather plain breakfast cereal. It also emerged she gave them two medium sized Easter eggs each. Surely one small one each would have been sufficient.

I told DH that in future we should ask her not to get in the cereal variety packs specially and only one Easter egg. He disagrees as his mum has health issues and essentially he thinks we should indulge her. I completely disagree as I think the children's health comes first. Both children adore MIL and they do not need to be bribed in this way, they just enjoy spending time with her.

I don't wish to argue with DH about this, I feel like ringing up MIL and politely putting forward my views, which I feel she would probably respect, as she is always very nice to me. Would I be unreasonable to do this?

Branflakes are also sugar and cardboard in a bowl basically the same as coco popsI had some at a friends a few weeks back and was amazed how sugary they tasted. Ds1 wouldn't eat them as too sweet

Poached egg on toast with some veg ideally and fruit. Ie grilled mushrooms/ tomatoes/ spinach. Mine like boiled eggs atm (because dh draws funny chicken faces on each egg for them...!). Porridge and crushed nuts and banana go down well here also

I think the length of time and frequency of their visits do not present a threat to your child's health.

Coco Pops are not crack. They might like the coco pops etc but you don't actually have to buy them for your children at home. I am now lolling at the thought of the coco pops monkey lurking on street corners going 'oi, wanna buy some pops' and slipping a wrap of cereal into someone's hand for a tenner.

If your dc refuse to eat Bran Flakes etc at home, then they can be hungry. Or have some toast.

How have we got so eating disordered as a nation that 75th centile weight-for-height is considered a reason to impose draconian restrictions on grandparents rather than just being on the slightly larger side of average ffs? Someone has to be on the 75th centile- that's how statistics work. All you are going to achieve is an eating disordered teenager and a fucked off grandma.

So, she has your children to stay for the majority of every half term, then.
And you want to ring her with a polite request that she stick to Branflakes instead of Cocopops for breakfast, lest your children develop an addiction to sugar that will blight their lives forever.
I know what I'd tell you in her place; and it wouldn't be particularly polite.

But if OP has to let gp's treat with sugary foods and her child is supposed to be following a plan then when is she able to treat?
Maybe she would like to give a treat brekki once in a while but this would end up a treat on top of someone else's treats.
I read a thread where a nr parent was taking to macdonalds very regularly and posters where in support of main carer saying if anyone gets to treat the child with empty calories why shouldn't it be parent who provides meals five days a week.
Why should OP be boring weetabix and stir fry mum while MIL gets to be seen by her dc as nanny who wants them to have nice things?

I don't personally find that what happens in other people's homes is habit forming for what happens in ours.

eg we've recently weaned ours off nutella and croissants for breakfast but in their granny's house she still has nutella and they have nutella on soft white bread there.

They still don't get it at home because we simply don't buy it anymore and they know it is just not in the cupboard. I don't find they make much fuss. It embarrasses me actually cause if I'd known how simple it was going to be I'd have cut out the nutella ages ago.

As for the Easter Eggs, surely two easter eggs are not going to derail years of work, even if they are medium sized? Maybe get her to share them when a friend is over or with all of you so she gets less of it? Or else dole it out very slowly.

I'm planning to simply dump some of the pile my two got but they are 3 and 5 so not keeping that sharp an eye on their stash...

I suppose in summary, I don't think it's worth bringing up with her. Be different if she was minding her every week and feeling her crap but it's v rare treat in reality.

Just remember, it is what you do EVERY DAY that makes a difference, not what happened at granny's this weekend.

I used to stay with my aunt as a kid and she would buy me those mini cereal packets - and other treats.

Then I would go home after my holiday and go back to normal. We just didn't have the money for that sort of thing and I certainly didn't expect my mum to start buying them. It wouldn't have occurred to me to even ask.

Is it me or are folks reluctant to say no to their kids?

I certainly didn't love my parents any less for buying Weetabix instead of those cutesy little packs of cereal.

The trouble is, there is widespread disagreement on how best to manage an overweight child without instilling "eating issues" for the rest of their life -as you can see from here. Some people are saying "Ooh, don't forbid anything, it will only become the forbidden fruit and she'll go mad as soon as she can buy her own food." Others are slating my policy of allowing up to one small treat a day (even though that often consists of only a couple of malted milk biscuits or pink wafers).

But one thing we try to do - for ourselves as well as the children - is not have tempting food in the house, as a general rule. So the thought of these FOUR good-sized Easter eggs in the cupboard...I just don't know why she had to buy two each, as I say. I foresee endless pestering. I think I will not call at the moment but politely ask for just one each before next Easter.

Anyway, I have been given food for thought, as it were, so thanks to all those who were helpful.

I don't understand this centiles stuff. My dd was 9lb 2 at birth and therefore somewhere over 90th percentile. She still is. But she is not overweight, just very tall.

But the Op is treating her child 7 days a week anyway. Even if you were giving a treat once a week its only 1 week out of every 6 or 8 that someone else was treating your child. I don't think it's really a big deal.

Interesting, a couple of posters seem to be confusing this with a childcare issue. Rest assured, childcare is nothing to do with this. My DH was in charge of the children, and on this occasion he chose to do so at his mum's, to her great delight.

Agree with Art above. have eggs for breakfast. Things like bran flakes are still just junk food carbs full of sugar. Avoid them.

YANBU. It's really fucking annoying when family members deliberately ignore your wishes regarding what your child eats/does. How dare they think that their 'right' to 'spoil' the child is more important than the rights of the child's parents to do what they feel is best?

I'd be worried about teeth not weight with the sugary cereal. So on balance, yanbu. But whether it's worth being pushy about, I'm not so sure. We've never had relatives who could mind DC on a regular basis, I'd value that very very highly & not want to rock the boat.

Xpost, er, then tell your DH to police what they eat at MIL's house, no??!! Sheesh, whose side is he on?

You allow ice cream every day anyway? What difference is a bowl of coco pops v branflakes going to be.

X7 ice creams a week or 14 biscuits v x2 bowls of coco pops a month. Just don't buy the crap. It's just sugar and flour or sugar and milk on a stick

Mine would think they were on holiday at yours as ice cream is a summer holiday/ odd summer day out only treat. They don't miss it as wouldn't occur to them it would be dished out daily from freezer

I'm glad other people have mentioned this, but yes I agree that bran flakes aren't healthy. Branflakes are basically just processed sugar filled shit in a box stodge with very little nutritional value, just like coco pops and virtually all other cereals. Sugar is listed as the third ingredient

I can assure you that while there they would have been getting their once-a-day small treat. But on top of that, they would also have been getting sugary cereal and a chunk of Easter egg. It makes me frustrated that I have to be the bad cop in this situation.

And slag off Branflakes all you like, but CocoaPops are worse. About 100 per cent worse, in terms of sugar, if the nutritional info provided by a poster is correct.

I think that at 3 days every 6-8 weeks I would leave it TBH, it's not often enough to have an impact and children are well able to understand that something that they get at granny's isn't something they are going to get at home.

I have had this with FIL he buys copious amounts of utterly inappropriate crap for the children and he sees them at least once a week, DH has told him to stoppit but he ignores us. Maybe that will make you feel a bit better?

Branflakes are still full of sugar. Will your DC not eat anything else for breakfast or does it have to be cereal? Will they not eat porridge?

I think with the Easter eggs you might just need to make a rule about how much they are allowed each day and then stick to it. It's not and endless supply and you won't be replacing it once it's run out. So it won't necessarily be for long. If she wants, she can make a choice between that and another treat on some days.

I have some sympathy
MIL overfeeds the DC, whom she sees weekly. One DC is overweight.

We have spent a long time trying to persuade MIL that honestly, between being collected from school at 3.30pm, and eating supper at 5.30pm, just one snack is plenty. I am ok with them having a packet of sweets, or an ice cream, or a slice of cake, but without my constant nagging reminding (and checking with the child who's a supergrass) she has, and still would, feed them all three. I agree that it's horrible having to be all about the carrots and broccoli because you know that when they see grandma it's wall-to-wall Cadbury's, but I'm pretty resigned to it now.

In terms of your DD, it's very hard to police what they get at other's houses. But you could perhaps set up a rule whereby all sweets/chocolate go into a Goody Bag, which they can access at set times. Mine nagged at first when we started this, but they now know the set days when they can choose something from the Goody Bag, and that something like a big egg will be given in instalments, so they don't nag anymore.

Just don't make a huge deal of it....next time mil looks after her just say "mil.... we are having to keep an eye on what dd is eating at moment as her weight is being monitored so minimal sugary stuff etc....thanks ever so much ....mwah "

So lovely that she goes to stay with her....I'm sure it can be said in a way not to offend.

Can i just say, OP, I do think you're doing the right thing in sorting out your child's weight. I think it's a hard thing to face up to and yes, you have to tread very carefully to avoid food issues in future.

Sorry for flippancy.

The Easter Eggs - melt them down into chocolate chip cookies or easter nests or something (and sling some in the bin, surrepticiously, if you can) and make that the daily treat - though tbh I still think a treat a day can be cut down on too - and send some to grandma too.

Just because coco pops are worse doesn't make bran flakes a good choice though.

Perhaps you need to look more closely at the day to day diet rather than worrying about the occasional things