To feel sad how so many here view family?

[Grennie]

I understand that not everyone has a good relationship with their family and some family members are actively abusive, I am not talking about those.

But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat. On here it all seems to be about making appointments and boundaries, as if family always have to be kept at a distance. It seems a retreat into a small nuclear family, with everyone else on the outside.

Ebear - what's so complicated about sending a text saying "will be near yours tomorrow around 10ish, fancy a coffee?" or "do you ant to meet up" - the only complex bit is if you don't realise most people who don't like being popped in on won't be as friendly if you just turn up as if you arrange it first. It's not hard to text/call/e-mail to check someone is going to be in and free before you turn up.

Another thing OP - you seem to think that it's bad for people's mental health to not be able to have constant access to their extended family, without checking if the extended family want it, could you not see if you don't want to see people all the time, having to entertain and spend time with them even if you don't want to that day, would also be bad for your mental health?

... oh, and I'd never go round to DS1's without an invitation, in case his dad is there already #shudder#

What makes me sad about a lot of opinions on mumsnet is the idea that elderly parents owe their adult children every facility and are bad people if they don't always put their adult children first.

IMLO we should put our children first as they are growing up, but afterwards?

My mother moved after I left home so I suppose that made it clearer to me that I was visiting her in her home at her sufferance, not because of anything she said or did. And if she was in my house she was my guest and to be treated with the greatest respect.

Most of my friends make appointments in advance.

By sending a text saying stick the kettle on before walking through the door 5 mins later! Sometimes I haven't even read the text yet and they have to make their own tea

I think it is fantastically old fashioned to think that an open door policy is healthy or a force for the good. I expect to control, with my DP, who comes and goes from our homes and when.

The main issue with this thread is the idea that people who have certain boundaries are somehow less loving, more distant, more uncaring and more likely to leave people lonely, which is not the case.

yabu

I think the difference is general family closeness. Both relationship and distance. Close family drop by, cause no hassle / actively help and then bugger off when needed to they also don't mind if it's not a bad time.

As a working mum my house is never guest ready. My mum being the one who judges me the most and can be very rude. I need at least a few days pre warning to tidy. I am happier with friends popping round as they won't criticise. My mum would like to just pop round with just a call but my brother and I have both discussed that our homes aren't up to her standards and that's the only reason she can't. They basically live in a show home. No jars out on the side, no clutter any where. No bin in the kitchen - they put everything straight out. I would love her to just be able to pop in but she would hate me for the state of my home.

Nomama is right, life seems more stressful thesedays (not to say that people didn't work hard etc.. before). Even my parents admit that they wouldn't want to be working adults/parents of small children thesedays. Time to unwind is so important in this 24-7 world.

What I see a lot of in comments on this site is the need for boundaries with PILs more than the commentor's own parents. The in-law relationship is a tricky one, you have adults with very different perspectives and opinions coming together, trying to form a familial relationship. Sometimes the in-laws and their adult child have tensions which make this even trickier.
I have a great relationship with my PILs but it doesn't mean I want to see them all the time. We are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum on politics/values/religion. We get along well because I respect their them and keep my mouth shut. However, I absolutely disagree with their views and I wouldn't choose to have friends with such opinions and values so honestly I don't want to see my PILs more than I see my own friends and family, I have such little free time.

BleachedWhale; I have no intention of allowing the 'village' fill my two year old with fizzy drinks, sweets and chocolate, her physical health is more important than indulging peoples bizarre love of shovelling junk into other peoples kids. There would also be hell to pay if anyone tried to punish her with smacking, screamed at her, swore at her etc... How people feed, speak to, treat kids is very important, fuck the village mentality, you get to fuck up your own kids, I don't care what the familial relation, you don't get to harm mine.

I wonder if this is also an introvert/extrovert issue.

Some people 'recharge' through being with people and don't like alone time.My 2 closest friends both prefer to be with other people when at home.

Others (me included) are introverts and relish and need time alone.

The other thing which strikes me is % of free time.
I work 4 days DH full time and we have small children to care for.
In my leisure time I'd like to see friends, exercise, read, paint nails, have a bath etc

My parents are both retired and would like to see a lot more of us- prob daily in fact but it wouldn't impact on them the same way as they have do much free time. So they'd get to see us and do all their leisure pursuits.

I haven't read the full thread but I am currently no longer in contact with my sister or her two grown daughters or my brother as they all seemed to think it was fine for them to drop in on me any time they liked (and I was always cheerful and accommodating when they did) but whenever I suggested visiting them and arranging it in advance, NOT just "dropping by" like they did, it was never convenient and they always put me off. Things came to a head 2 years ago when my DN was in hospital and I visited her only to be told by my sister to get out after 20 minutes as I hadn't checked with her first if it was OK.

It gets a bit galling when it's all a one way street.

Yabu. I think it's very patronising that you think you know better than other people about how they conduct their family relationships.

If people don't want an open door policy I'm sure they have their reasons, can't you respect that?

I hate people just dropping in, regardless of how close they are, in terms of family relationships.

I work full time, as does DP, so I have little time to get housework, as well as leisure stuff, done.

I also need time alone to recharge, and that includes time away from DP. I'm not talking much, but some. So someone who decides to drop in when I'm recharging is going to get a frosty welcome.

And no, close family do not always just drop by and make their own tea/try to help. Many of them drop by and expect you to drop whatever you are doing to concentrate on them, make their tea, etc, regardless of how important the task is that you where doing when they arrive.

Because for many of the droppers-in, it's all about Meeeee. No awareness that it might be inconvenient, of if they are aware, they don't care. As far as they are concerned, they are more important than you.

YANBU, family isn't what it should be and it is quite sad really. I just have my Mum, am an only child and we have one (unoffically) adopted family member who didn't even bother to send me a Birthday card. It's only thinking of my future DP and DC that fills me with hope. I rely more on my friends but there again, they live too far away from me. But you're right.

I adore my family. I wouldn't want them popping in unannounced. That's just how it is. Why on earth do you feel sad? It doesn't affect you and it's not your business to judge.