To feel sad how so many here view family?

[Grennie]

I understand that not everyone has a good relationship with their family and some family members are actively abusive, I am not talking about those.

But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat. On here it all seems to be about making appointments and boundaries, as if family always have to be kept at a distance. It seems a retreat into a small nuclear family, with everyone else on the outside.

I wish we had family to pop in and see us. My dh and I have both lost our mums in recent years, my dad walks his dog past out house daily but never pops in or knocks unless he needs to ask us something specific. We rarely see my dh's family as thye live a few hours drive away and never visit us, it is always us that drives to them. We are quite isolated really withing our own nuclear family, and it is quite lonely.

Not quite understanding why the OP is even bothering to post this.

Not every one is like you.

I don't like anybody popping-in as I can't be bothered to keep the flat in even an acceptable state of squalor.

I also have father who loves and adores his grandchildren, and would see them every day but who treats little insignificant old me (their mother and his daughter) like a prick who needs a slap if I dare to get in the way of "his family".

I haven't read the thread but is it really so unreasonable to ask people to ring/text before popping round? I had open doors here and omg did people take advantage of it. I had one set of friends who would peer in through the front window, and another who peered in through the back.

I've had to put curtains up in the front and leave them closed, and I'm putting fencing in so people can't get into my back garden without my say so.

"If you have a difficult relationship with your family, why should they feel entitled to walk into your home whenever they feel like it?"

I think why should they feel entitled to even if you have a good relationship?

When people lived close & didn't have phones I can understand it.

But now why wouldn't you ring first to see if they're in/it's convenient?

It's not an issue for me as I dont live nearby to my family. Kids dropping by wouldn't be a problem for me but adults are another matter. My DB has an open door policy and my DF does pop in a lot. Normally it's at really inconvenient times like when SIL is feeding the children. Trying to get young children to sit un-distracted at the dinner table can be hard and I know SIL gets frustrated with my dad for doing this constantly.

If I lived near to parents I would have a couple of nights a week set for them to visit that way I can give them undivided attention. By all means they can help themselves to tea, cake and food but it must be at a convenient time for me It's the expectation on the part of the visiting person that everything should be dropped to accommodate them is what I find a bit rude especially as most families I know have 2 working parents. If I was in the middle of something I would have to stop as I find it too impolite to just blithely carry on doing what I was doing and ignore people in my house

I love family but get stressy when they just show up. Things were very different when I was little but a lot of family have turned into arseholes so I'd rather they stayed away.

I dont want guests to feel at home, they arent, they are guests. I dont want them rootling in my cupboards and helping themselves to food and drink. We offer them food and drink and if we want them to stay we keep going. If we want them to leave then we stop offering.

Not a TAAT? Then why are my ears burning like im being misquoted talked about behind my back?

And of course, even if you have lots of time, it doesn't mean you want to spend it entertaining your ils! I want to spend my free time watching Netflix not talking to my relatives

What happens if uoy are having an important conversation row with dh and the family turn up? Some warning is always appreciated.

Saucyjack , your father sounds like my MIL in disguise.

OP, as others have said, people have no reason to post about positive relationships on the internet, it is only those that have difficult relationships that need to vent on MN. Just like people not bothering to post average or good reviews of things/places/hotels, whereas a bad experience is much more likely to be published.

Families don't tend to live in the same place anymore, like they did years ago. My family live 100+ miles away as do DH's.

I think popping in is just rude and an invasion of privacy. I think it's the assumption that you're always there, it doesn't matter what you're doing, you're always free and ready to entertain and you're time doesn't matter.

I love seeing my family and enjoy seeing DH's family but I would never just turn up, and yes I have a door key to my parents house. Similarly I would expect a phone call from family, surely its just politeness? I may be busy, I might be at work, and the same goes for them.

OP it is Easter Sunday and the ones who have close family have been having lunch with them and they haven't been online. In the evening you might get different responses.

Personally, my best childhood memories are days spent with extended family. My children don't have that as often as i did but i am trying my best when it is possible. I think that most children would prefer christmas, easter, birthdays with gps, uncles, aunties, cousins rather 'we are fine just the three of us'.
Apart from the fun there is also a lot to learn imo
about relationships, different dynamics, dealing with
bigger groups, changes in routine
. Plus the security and sense of belonging.

I am talking about non abusive families.

I have a great relationship with my PILs, whom I see frequently ( 2 x weekly on average), with or without DH and the DC.

I attribute this specifically to the fact that we live 30mins drive away, which is just far enough to need to ring before setting off. If we lived in each other's pockets I am quite certain that we'd wind each other up no end.

People should have the relationships with their families they want to have. If that means always in each other's houses, then fine, but if that means they want their own space and will arrange to meet at set times, then that's fine, too.

And some people have more to do than natter all day. Some people need their personal space, their own head space and their own routine. I'm one of those people and it would be hell for me to have someone popping in and talking at me, when they feel like it, with little warning.

How difficult is it to give someone a quick call to let them know you're around and see if they're available? When I'm home I'm busy doing things I want/need to get done. If I know someone's coming I can make time for them, if I won't be there for five minutes, they'll know that and won't miss me.

I wouldn't mind popper inners so much if they really only did turn up for five or ten minutes or recognised if they were calling at a bad time and left. The ones who create most 'situations' for people are those who show up and overstay their welcome, ignoring all hints to leave.

Fil used to torture me with his presence, he would turn up at awkward times and stay for hours..... every day, eventually I stopped answering the door and I'm very careful not to be welcoming toward him now in case he takes it up the wrong way and tries to move in.

It's fine to pop in on someone if you know they welcome it and you know when to leave. It's rude to do it when you know someone prefers to be warned.

Why does the expectation of respecting other peoples time and privacy make you feel 'sad'? The world doesn't revolve around you, get over it.

yabvvu.

I find myself quite shocked at the way many parents now seek to control every other family member's relationship with their child, in terms of what they eat, how they talk to them, how they look after them when they have them for the weekend (IF they are allowed to have them for the weekend!), even when the grandparent is offering free childcare.

When I was growing up the 'it takes a village to raise a child' principle meant that when another adult was in loco parentis they did it their way. And they made the relationship directly with the child. It made us tolerant, understanding, able to understand and navigate different social situations, and we came to no harm.

I can't stand this 'my house, my rules', 'my child my rules' ethos. (Within normal social parameters, obviously).

Yes well op you might understand if your popper inners stayed 8 hours, crapped on your plans, ate you out of house and home and ignored all hints that they had stayed long enough. And then repeated it the next day. So my door is locked always and people are most certainly not welcome to just pop in.

I won't let my dad smoke around my DD. I won't let my mother feed my DD chocolate for breakfast. I won't let MIL buy my DD cheap tat (unless its her b.d/xmas etc) - I control those situations to keep my child safe (and make sure she doesn't turn into a brat) not because I'm some super bitch who loves to control my family. As I'm sure other parents would.

My dad used to smoke around me and my little brother, give us salt as babies and give us a good smack when we deserved it. I'd rather my parents respect how I am raising my child because times are changing (we know more in terms of health etc).

It makes me feel sad to think of those poor souls who can't call their homes their own, who never get a bit of peace and quiet, who can't shop ahead/plan meals because they never know how many they'll have to feed from one day to the next, and who can never shag their other half on the stairs in case his/her mother drops by unexpectedly. It must be hell.

Actually it doesn't make me sad at all, as it would appear they are happy with this set-up, but by the same token it wouldn't work for me; and I will thank you not to be so effin' patronising as to feel sorry for me because of it.

Yes my non-resident adult children do call before they come round, not because they don't feel welcome, but to ensure we're in and have enough space (and food!) to make the best of the visit. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology it is easier than it ever was to communicate with each other. So we do that. It's not sad, it's sensible.

When I was growing up, people used to pop in any time if they were passing. Sometimes, this wasn't convenient, but other times, it was really great, especially if it was someone we hadn't seen for ages.

So I went away to university and so on, and I used to knock on friends' doors, if I happened to be passing. Apparently this was absolutely the wrong thing to do, and I should always phone first, but given that in a lot of cases, I passed their houses on the way to the phone box (houses mostly had phones with incoming calls only,) that seemed a bit daft. I didn't mind people saying, "I'm really busy right now, come back another time," but it was the expecting to make an appointment first which was odd to me.

So 20 years on, I hardly see anyone at all, because it all got too complicated.

OP - I undestand what you are trying to say, but you fail to realise that what you would enjoy, other people would hate.

If you, your mum, your gran all work, does that mean you understand that other people have limited spare time on weekends? If that's when you have to do your cleaning, shopping, DIY, gardening, run errands, sort anything that needs doing and fit in DCs parties, clubs etc then weekends can easily be completely booked up. If you just drop round for 45 minutes for a cuppa, that's 45 minutes they have lost that they may have planned to do something else in.

Also in my experience, the sort of people who pop, tend to expect you to say "come in" and do actually give up the half hour.

I would rather be able to give guests attention, so I want to know they are coming. For someone to come over and have to be ignored because I'm busy seems rude. I was raised to entertain guests, not just say "help yourself to a brew if you want one" that seems so really horrible to me.

Calling/texting first means you can be certain the person you are popping in on actually has the time and wants to see you. Just popping assumes you think that at all times, spending time with you is the more important than anything else that person could have to do.

My home is not community space, it's my private home. I don't live with extended family, I don't want to. I would always call/text first, even if it's a "we're 10 minutes away at XXX, can we pop round on the way past?"

To be honest OP, much as I like my family, when I was 18, all I could think about was wanting to get out and explore the world and meet new people from different backgrounds. I know people who don't have that many friends and whose entire social life revolves around their family and I honestly feel sorry for them a little bit. I love having a wide circle of friends.

Also, as an only child, I'd be kind of stuck with DH's family as mine are mostly dead, and I get on with them OK, but not as well as my friends, with whom I have more in common.