To feel sad how so many here view family?

[Grennie]

I understand that not everyone has a good relationship with their family and some family members are actively abusive, I am not talking about those.

But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat. On here it all seems to be about making appointments and boundaries, as if family always have to be kept at a distance. It seems a retreat into a small nuclear family, with everyone else on the outside.

And open your eyes. There are still lots of extended families who live near each other or with each other and drop in on each other.
The only thing that is different (and in most peoples opinion for the better) is that people have CHOICE over who spends time in their house and when

There is evidence that states Justin Bieber is popular.

Just saying

Thankfully everyone lives just that bit too far away to just pop round. My in-laws are nearest at 40 mins drive away. I love seeing everyone but I wouldn't want all and sundry wandering in and out of my house when I'm sitting on the sofa in just my pants. People are very welcome, but please call first so I can make sure I'm dressed

My family aren't supportive, they just cause upset and grief.

Same here, so I've gone completely NC. Best thing I've ever done for myself, my DC and my DH.

Unfortunately I live way too close to my inlaws and if I hadn't enforced boundaries I'd have had a breakdown.
They truly live in each other's pockets so I had to put my foot down.

I now only go there on Xmas Day which if I'm truthful is one time too many but I have agreed to this with DH, so that's how it is.

Grennie who are you to tell everyone what is "healthy?" So we all have to live by your rules do we?

I have very good reasons for not wanting family to just pop in. I don't like it.

I couldn't care less if other people cannot stand to have a second to themselves and want a house full of family at all times. Good luck to them I say. Same goes for anything in between.

It speaks volumes that you feel "sad" for anyone who chooses to live differently from you.

I feel sad that this is how society seems to be going. It does not make for a healthy society.

What utter rubbish. This is your view of how society should be and is certainly not mine nor everyone else's.

You are happy with having an open door to everyone and imposing that view on others. I prefer to have people respect my boundaries and viewpoints and do my best to respect theirs. And yes this means having people check with me if I am free before imposing themselves popping by.

Some of us gave very unconventional and complex relationships with our families that aren't easy to understand, even for us who are in the middle of it.

It isn't as easy as having an open door policy.

I made the comment about extended family on another thread. It is a statement of fact. A nuclear family is parent(s) plus children living together. An extended family is the non resident family members.

And it is not just families with kids. My sister has no kids; she still has a life with close friends she has to see, relationships and work. I would not expect to just pop in as she might be busy.

I consider my family to be a close and loving one. I don't consider respecting their boundaries to interfere with that. If other people have different boundaries in their own families, that is fine too.

It's not society, you and yours will not be forced into doing what me and mine are doing, nor even expect to do so just because they've seen others do so. So again, I really don't think it's any of your business whether or not I give my family full and free access to my house and children. I think it is unhealthy for you to give such things responsibility for your happiness or sadness; I think you are actually just judgemental but would rather pretend that you are 'feeling sad' because it allows you express your prejudice as social concern rather than just judgemental frothing.

This seems to be usual MN way. Either you rarely see family and by appointment only, or they are constantly in your house.

I am not arguing for either. But having your mother pop round for a cup of tea once a week, is no big deal unless she has been abusive.

OP why do you think it isnt good for people?

As a 'nuclear family' person what exactly am I missing out on?

I agree that problems are caused when two different types of family are linked.

My parents are very private and hated having any one round. I was an only child but my friends were never welcome and were strictly by appointment. Preferably with a lot of notice. We are a tiny family and my grandparents couldn't drive so we used to go and see them. I can't remember anyone ever just popping in.

In contrast dh's family is huge. They all live within walking distance of each other and will pop in all the time. When dh was young his friends would just go back after a night out and pil would make them welcome and they'd stop over. I was never allowed sleep overs let alone last minute unplanned ones.

Unfortunately I tend more to be like my parents although I'm trying to stop it because ds is also an only one and I want him to be able to bring friends back at short notice.

My house is never tidy enough for people to just drop in though!

No, there is nothing wrong with your mother popping round for a cup of tea once a week - perfectly normal. But you hear of other people's parents and ils expecting to be waited on at the drop of a hat many times a week. I've read of people who have their pil just let themselves in at any time of day with no regard to anyone else. That's why it often doesn't work. You have to have people respecting boundaries.

I don't entertain my family or friends either. Or not the family I actually like anyway. Popping by means 45 minutes having a cup of tea and a natter.

What if popping in means staying for 4 hours and expecting to be entertained? I remember reading on here of one mil who let herself in and walked into her dil's bedroom whilst she was getting dressed, and she'd brought other people with her too.

Usual I will expect my children to show some courtesy and ask whether it's convenient for their friends to come round. Is that dreadfully old fashioned?

YouTheCat - No different to making an appointment for someone to come over who behaves inappropriately. You deal with it.

Teenagers will usually sit in bedrooms or go out.... either way I won't have to entertain them so no skin off my nose. It is not the same thing!

It totally depends on your relationship with your family and how you were bought up. I don't live v near my mum but i would pop into hers no bother if i needed to/ was passing. Same for sister. If i want to go for cup of tea i will tell her in coming for a cup of tea. H's family on the other hand have to make arrangements far in advance and sometimes they'll say no which took me a long time to get my head around, still find it odd tbh but different strikes etc. I've always thought the difference is my family are Irish and v used to people just popping in for chat and cup of tea all my childhood, h on the other hand didn't have any of that and he thinks we are the weird ones! Who knows!? We might be :-)