To feel sad how so many here view family?

[Grennie]

I understand that not everyone has a good relationship with their family and some family members are actively abusive, I am not talking about those.

But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat. On here it all seems to be about making appointments and boundaries, as if family always have to be kept at a distance. It seems a retreat into a small nuclear family, with everyone else on the outside.

Good for you. I'd call it having manners and respect for others. If that's old fashioned take me back to the 40's

It doesn't make you weird anymore than it makes me weird

Yes I have 1 family member by marriage who insists we make appointments to go round. We can't pop round even for 5 minutes. I don't live near them and so it means if I go and visit other family members there, that I often don't see them for many many months as appointments usually have to be made far in advance. I find that very wierd.

The thing is if you have an open house and have made that clear then people know that they can pop in anytime.

If other people prefer to be phoned beforehand to check if coming round for an hour at a certain time is convenient then you should respect that rather than 'feeling sad and projecting your own opinions on them'.

We are all different and prefer different things. Being aware of other peoples preferences makes for a better 'society' rather than assuming we are 'sad' if we don't all open our houses to 'family' at all times.

My DGm, on my father's side, had an open house. She also had 9 children so they were in and out all day, plus neighbourhood kids, plus neighbours.
My DM is one of 2, her patents had a closed hpuse. I grew up in a closed house. My DM didn't allow my friends over, even into the garden. I never had a birthday party.
So, I feel very uncomfortable with visitors in my house, invited or not. I don't live in my home country but in DH's, my ILs are all a couple of miles away. We've made it clear they're welcome over anytime, but they don't just pop in. Perhaps they feel uncomfortable?

As an aside: a brother of DH's won't allow us in the house. He often needs a lend of fifty quid or a dvd or something, when we go to give/pick up, we're met on the street. Last time they gave us back 120€ that they'd borrowed, they sent their 9yo dd to the street with it. Nice.

Where we live, families are hugely important, more than friendships, people spend years living with their parents, going to university in their hometown. It doesn't mean they all have an open door policy or that their society is going down the shitter.

I love both my own family and the in-laws. And mostly I'm quite happy for people to just call round. But I also value my privacy, so sometimes make sure the door is locked. Also, my family have an uncanny knack of having the worst timing ever. Like my dad will be guaranteed to call me just as I'm sitting down to dinner, doesn't matter what time it is. That can get a bit grating sometimes!

Nuclear families are more the norm for several reasons OP. People in general are now more career driven. More people attend uni, and subsequently move away to do so and often make their lives there. People move for work, better transport links mean that it is possible for people to live in a desirable area and commute. The norm is to have working parents, who will form support networks with other worii g parents etc. It isn't driven by selfishness as you portray, it is driven by the ease of access to the world outside of the town or village you grew up in.

I have a friend who will text one day and say 'me and partner will pop round later' not a oh are you in later? Would it be convenient? When would it be best to pop in?
I find it beyond rude if I'm honest

Usual, if it is a neighbours' teen, they can come in whenever. If it is a friend from school, that has to be arranged.

I've got 4 DCs. Three of them are 'teens' 15, 18 and 21. They do what they like socially as i'm not the ones their friends/boy friends have come round to see. If i'm obviously doing something that requires concerntation in the living room or am half dressed in the living room they'll all go upstairs or go out. Otherwise they'll do as they please. I dont have to alter what i'm doing just because my kids have got their mates over.

However if my family came round just before i was going to get in the shower and shave my pubes or colour my hair or go in the loft or re-arange the furniture or whatever i could not just carry on as they'd consider it rude. My mother expects the tv to be turned off when she arrives. She even considers it rude to have the car stereo on if she's in it with me. Some family are not the laid back variety.

I don't mind who pops in as long as they make tea. If they feel comfortable enough to help themselves, riffle through the fridge and make tea, they are welcome. If they expect me to entertain and drop what I am doing, they can make an appointment. I grew up in a house where I would bump into random visitors, my parents liked having people to stay and friends or family would just appear, some would stay for five minutes others for five days, twas lovely.

My Dad's side of the family are very in and out of each other's houses. I think it's really nice that everyone's so comfortable with each other that no-one's embarrassed about mess or has to stand to attention because a "guest" has arrived.

My mother's side of the family are totally different. They will tell you to go away if they're busy. Fair enough but I think that means there just isn't the same closeness.

''If they expect me to entertain and drop what I am doing, they can make an appointment.''

Ahh you've summed it up for me there mini . My relies do expect me to stop what i'm doing and therefore yes, i appreciate a time agreed by all for that to happen. That's it.

You're on a hiding to nothing with this thread OP.

FWIW, I understand where you're coming from and on the whole I agree with you.

It isn't entirely about being able to/not being able to pop in at will, it is more the attitude of total unwillingness to see (usually, but not always) in-laws.

And if you want to feel 'sad' or that it's a shame, then that is entirely up to you. I don't see the need for the sneering about that.

Nanny - Except the sneering seems to be all the other way on MN. The ourage at in laws who may actually want to see their family, or family who may want to pop round for 5 minutes. MN is usually very one sided when it comes to this issue.

Some people have no objections to people just turning up or letting themselves in and have made it clear they actively enjoy and encourage this. There is nothing at all wrong with this.

Some people hate it and don't want it happening,they prefer to know when people are coming and to invite them in,there is also nothing at all wrong with that.

If you are wanting to visit someone who does not want unexpected people just walking in it is really very rude to do so,what on earth is the problem with a quick phone call to ask and knocking on the door

I'd be willing to see mil if she hadn't time and time again proved herself to be a sneering vindictive cowbag

The people who make a habit of 'popping in' are inflicting their world view on everyone else. Some people will be happy others will feel imposed upon though they may politely put up with it.

The people who dont 'pop in' arent imposing their world view on anyone.

I love my family and am happy for them to pop round for a cuppa. Same with mil. BUT, it becomes a problem if you have relatives who will want to come round every single Sunday for hours on end. That's why with some people you have to have 'rules'. On the face of it, it sounds a bit harsh but it's the only way to preserve a decent relationship. I like it if mil phones first. She comes round with her partner and I like some notice because I like sitting around the house in my pjs with no bra on. Tmi there, sorry! Otoh, I am comfy with my sister seeing me like that.

But who'd start a happy thread about 'I have an open house, people pop in and out all day - post here if you're the same and love it!' ?

Maybe I'll go start one.

My ILs are obsessed with DH's sister and her children, probably because they seem to spend most of their spare time together. They know absolutely everything this 45 year old married woman and her children do then feel the need to recount it in every detail to us.
The other week ILs looked after DS and recounted how unwell Dh's sister and the children had been (a bug) that week to me both in the morning when I dropped him off and in the afternoon when I collected him. Unfortunately they hadn't bothered to give Ds his long term, much needed and timed medication correctly giving it all at one go when they 'remembered'.
DS told me on the way home. When I phoned to ask again they cut me off to tell me when Dh's sister's son needed his medication (a temporary antibiotic). I was and put down the phone.
I used to be able to laugh their behaviour off but putting DS in danger means it will be a very rare occasion when I see them from now on.

I am the kind of person who gets offended when friends and family knock on the door. Let yourself in FFS.

After 8 years my husbands nan still waits for us to answer the door despite telling her we have an open door policy

I always tell people, like the kids friends that if they have been round a few times they need to start letting themselves in and helping themselves to their own drinks. Family know they are welcome whenever and I love it when my mum comes round and makes herself a cup of tea and helps herself to food in the cupboard. I want friends and family to feel at home here, it is important to me that they feel they can do that.