To feel sad how so many here view family?

[Grennie]

I understand that not everyone has a good relationship with their family and some family members are actively abusive, I am not talking about those.

But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat. On here it all seems to be about making appointments and boundaries, as if family always have to be kept at a distance. It seems a retreat into a small nuclear family, with everyone else on the outside.

My experience is that years ago there was usually the woman someone at home most days. So popping in was more gauranteed to find someone in.

Also not that long ago there wasn't the vast number of easy ways to communicate that we have now, email, text, mobile call, skype etc etc. My best mate's family didn't even get a land line till she was about 14! (late 80's. unusual even for then, but i had to physically call round if i wanted to talk to her, and so would their family)

Peoples time together as a couple or even just time alone in the house is more precious now i think. Plus as someone else has pointed out families are spread more further afield now. If your mum, or aunt called in for 2 mins on the way up the road its ok. If they turned up unexpectedly after a 2 hour drive they're not going to be staying only 2 mins! Understandably so. Hence arrangements ahead of time make sense.

You are lucky. I have toxic parents and I am trying to move house so I don't have to live in fear of them popping round for a chat. This also means that the rest of my family won't know where I live as I cannot risk my parents finding out. I would love to have what you have. There is nothing as lonely as realising your parents don't love you and want to cause you, your DH and dcs pain. I have also had to change my locks as they had a key.

My DP's family live far away. When we drive down there to stay with FIL, we drive by SIL's house. We often stop in for 5 minutes, say hello, and arrange to meet properly later. I know she would think it was massively rude if she didn't answer her door to us, and told us to phone instead. And unless it is late, I feel we would be rude to just drive by. We all work full time. She works shifts, if we stop and she is not there, fine we phone later.

spanky - i am so sorry to hear that. And yes I do understand some people have parents that they need to have no contact with.

Basically what Mintyy said.

Why do you feel 'sad' that other people are different to you?

x posted loads (slow typing, one hand free) but gawd i would want to giving up half of my weekend every week to my ILs.

As for just letting themselves into the house ........ nooooooooooo. Surely the days of a literally 'open house' went away 70/80 years ago.

I'm thinking of the old pics of my great nan on her doorstep in London in an apron with kids all round her feet. My nan says the door was only shut after dark. Neighbours and friend all just mingled in each others houses.

wouldnt want .....

'But when I grew up, family would pop round for a cup of tea, or knock on the door and see if you had 5 minutes to chat'

I'm happy for you. That's not how I grew up. It is alien to me and my family.

My grandmother worked. My Mother worked. I work. I don't think any of us have owned an apron.

Oh, gosh, if my front door were left unlocked my house would be empty in thirty seconds flat! It does rather depend where you live, doesn't it ...!

But also, and this is just me but probably applies to others: my home is where I work, too. As is my mum's, as it happens. So neither of us would be terribly thrilled by the assumption that if someone is physically 'at home,' they've therefore got their feet up ready for visitors to turn up.

I've never had the popping in either. It's not what was done when I was growing up, and it's not what I would expect now. I like and love my own parents and ILs, but I would be pissed off if they let themselves into my house or otherwise didn't respect boundaries. But it's not an issue because none of them would behave like that. I think problems arise when you mix a family like mine with a family like the OPs and expectations clash.

I work, my mum worked. I am not talking about some 50's stereotype of the wife at home baking with a pinny on.

havent - this was my great nan i was on about with the apron. Turn of the century.

I only answer the door if I'm expecting someone and it stays locked. Otherwise it might be bailiffs (not my debt and I'm sick of the abuse), or chuggers (sick of being told the ills of the world are my personal fault and I don't want pressured into giving money I don't have) and my worst fear it could be SS and they may find me lacking.

I realise the 3rd one isn't entirely rational but my fear is real.

I know. I was saying that's also how far back you would have go in my family to find the open door, apron wearing mother. It's not something that's existed in my family for generations.

but some people just don't like having people pop round whenever - imo this is what drives those type of complaints when you have 2 different families who enjoy different ways of living not realising that the other side of the family just don't like to have folk popping in so by doing so it really encroached and causes friction.

we aren't all living in a 1970's small town with lovely family just round the corner and people in all day with the kettle going.

My great grandmother also smoked like a chimney and swore enthusiastically apparently, so it was definitely more a scrubbing the doorstep apron than a baking biscuits one

Ah right - exactly yes.

My family can come anytime and be welcome because they never judge or make me feel inadequate if the house isn't immaculate. MIL on the other hand is another matter

I think people are retreating more and more into very small nuclear families and I don't think it is good for people.

What LRD said. My home is my workplace, and as I have limited childcare, I am simply not available for spontaneous visits, as when I'm working, I am working.

Also, I think this us a cultural/class issue. I grew up working-class, with people continually letting themselves in the back door at all hours. I hated it, especially as outer house was a tiny cottage, overcrowded anyway, and had an eccentric layout, which meant that if a child wanted to go to the loo after bedtime, you had to traverse a living room and kitchen full of people in your night dress to get to the loo.

As a result, I cherish my privacy as an adult. Our families don't live in the UK, and we don't have friends locally where we currently live, so it's not an issue, but if we lived closer, I certainly wouldn't be holding open house. Also, I lived too king in London to find the idea of the open door comfortable!

Too LONG in London.

Grannies why are you being so prescriptive about other people's decisions? In what exact way do you believe that the 'retreat into nuclear families' is bad for people?

I do agree with the Op.at the same time there's a lot of complaining about not having babysitters "support".you can't have everything.