To wonder where all the normal, single men are?

[Needsmorecake]

because, sure as hell, they are not within a 50 mile radius of me.

This comes off the back of being let down again. I was meant to have a date tomorrow, now i do not.

Lovely man, 40, deputy head of an ' outstanding school' Not only did he send me the most 'penisey' photo, where even in jogging bottoms his cock felt the need to make its presence known, but, after some internet reasearch, i found he had two facebook accounts, one of which he is only friends with very young, very naked, eastern women.

I cancelled the date, clearly he is nuts. However, this seems to be the case more often than not, and its so very very tiring.

Ive been single for 5.5 years, i dont want to remarry, but id just like someone, it seems so impossible.

I dunno. I met my husband in my early 20s and from the outside we looked perfect but behind closed doors he was the most vile of scum bags. I look at a lot of my friends who meet them and they seem very similar, perfect on the inside but dig a little deeper and there are serious issues. One woman I know likes to give the impression that they are so perfect but no woman who breaks into a cold sweat when it's getting close to her husband getting home from work so kicks everyone out quickly, who can't answer her phone or emails once he's in and who says not to tell her husband about a play date as he would be furious is clearly not in a loving equal respectful relationship. Another gives the impression of perfection but frequently has red eyes on the school run and her husband in front of 30 parents and 20 kids at a birthday party said, in a speech, that a beautiful and yummy racing car birthday cake she had made was crap and tasted like shit. I was gobsmacked. That's not respectful and loving. Others are known cheats but it's swept under the carpet and the wives still float on acting like nothing is wrong. Another I know is abusive and controlling and has been violent to his partner, another has significant mental health disorders which makes him abusive and has his wife at the end of her rope... I know very few who would still be together if it wasn't for kids, money, social standing, stigma or fear. I really do fear that it is the very rare exceptions who have found genuine love and respect and happiness. I actually can only think of one couple out of probably 50 who I think may genuinely be happy but I don't actually know them well enough to be sure.

pinky Heaven forbid! Just amused.

Andrewofgg glad to entertain!

Well, here's a nice balanced thread with no generalisations.

When posters talk of personal experiences, I have sympathy if these have been bad.

But when people extrapolate their own experiences to condemn half the population of the world, (and I honestly think I am hearing that on this thread), I shudder.

The problem is partial that if I look back over the (quick count up...) 20 odd blokes I've dated (not slept with!!), and there's not one I would recommend to a friend or can really talk positively about without saying at least something like "he was lovely but he's a liar/cheat/sponger/controlling violent scum bag..." it makes it very difficult to think there are any decent men out there. When every man you've spoken to online has sooner or later turned out to be one of the above or has sent lewd or offensive messages or photos it's hard to believe there are men on there who won't do that. I am absolutely certain that decent men exist, I just don't fancy them, don't attract them and don't meet them, for whatever reasons. It's hard not to generalise, though I think anyone would admit it's unfair.

Forgive me, Random - but could it be that it's the scumbags who try to date online and that's why you are meeting them?

My dating days were pre-internet but there was computer dating and a couple of my male acquaintances tried it - neither of whom I would have wanted any woman I liked to get too close to. And if I am truthful, and nearly forty years on why shouldn't I be, I tried it once and met a very weird young woman (I can't say of course what she thought of me but at any rate she did not find me a sexual predator) whom I quickly dropped.

All this anonymity bothers me. Perhaps I am jsut old-fashioned.

Normal men, don't go on internet dating sites.

Andrew- id say thats quite likely, but again we end up going round in circles, as the start of this thread was my wondering where the normal, single men were. Sure as hell they arent online.

partial, it might be a huge generalisation, sure, but its been my experience, and to be honest, i wish to god it hadnt been. I would like to have avoided some of the shit ive been though, have not met some of the frankly, scary men ive met, had not been flashed at via phone and had not been treated like nothing more than a prostitute. I do wish it didnt feel this way.
But it is comforting to know its not just me, that others have had very similar experiences. Noone has said there arent decent men out there, just, noone knows where they are.

where do they go then flatbelly? where do 30-45 year old men go?

Exactly Needs. Where are they?? They're not in pubs and clubs, they're not at the courses I signed up for (sports and further study), they're not anywhere I seem to go. And given that my lifestyle (SAHM) only has me at day time child focussed activities I very rarely meet men there and when I do I can't get out in the nights or weekends or without munchkins so it's pointless!

i dont go to clubs, im 35, id rather pull my toenails out one by one.
I like real pubs, not bars, but they dont seem to be in there either.
They arent at gigs, or festivals, at bookshops nor garden centres, they arent in waitrose nor aldi :) they arent about when im walking the dog, or at the beach.

i expect they are all inside playing xbox

That's utter shit flatbelly

I met both my exh and my dp online, and they're both totally normal.

Could the normal men of that age be married and with their wives most of the time when they are not working and about non-sexual recreational activities the rest of it?

I am very sorry - that is not meant to be flippant. But I seriously wonder whether there is such a pool of decent single men around after the age at which most of us marry.

Andrew I fear you may be right. They were snapped up in their 20s and those who are divorced seem to either be bastards the wives dumped for good reason, or seem to have a lot of issues left over from their heartbreaks. A lot of men do seem to stay very screwed up over things for a long time and seem to let it affect their futures an awful lot. Men who have been cheated on seem to be waiting for every woman to do it and accusing them constantly and checking up on them, whereas women seem to be aware that it's a possibility, but trust them till given just reason not to, then lose their shit with him for doing it to her again when she catches him! But a lot of the men I've dated in the last few years seem to have a LOT of left over issues and seem to be doing nothing to get through it, none of them would even dream of counselling.

Maybe we just have to wait till they start becoming widowers!

andrew, again, exactly the point of the thread.
We have all said the pool of decent men is very very small. Its tiny.

Im sure almost all of the good ones are married or in long term relationships, yes. Which means, if you happen to get divorced, or find yourself on your own, that you are fishing in a lake filled with shit.

Right that's it, nothing else for it but to turn lesbian. I experimented in my young wild teenage days, it was alright, I can't see any way around it!

flatbellyfella that is patently untrue.

This thread is very biased. I did point out that I haven't had the same experience online. And the man in the kitchen making his kids packed lunches who I have been with for a year and is perhaps the kindest man I ever met, would belie your statement

But it does seem to bring out the worst in people, male and female. And the op does seem to have had a particularly bad run

Bit - how did you not have any bad experiences though? what did you do?

I'm a 40-yr old bloke and I can't find any decent single women in a 50-mile radius of me either. After a very long period of internet dating, I've pretty much given up now. So it's not just a shortage of decent men. It's decent single people full stop.

I think it's very easy to be sceptical or assume people are being unduly negative if your own experiences are unfailingly good.

I have no agenda, no axe to grind. Generally, I like men, and certainly in my twenties preferred male company. However, I have found over a number of years, and various attempts at OD'ing, that most men who are on there are not single/doing it for a 'laugh' or some sort of cheap thrill/and regard women as either ugly/uptight/frigid - so not worth messaging, or attractive which in their mind = up for whatever perverted thought they feel like sharing.

The first few times it happens, you think it's just bad luck. Then you start to question whether you have done something to encourage it. Eventually you begin to realise most single men (or certainly those on dating sites, both paid and free) feel they have carte blanch to behave like it. And you become inured to the worst of it, and the failure of a man to send a cock shot, or request a pic of you in (or out of) your underwear, becomes a cause for celebration because you think 'finally I've found a normal one'.

And then he tells you he can't do relationships.

And you're back to square one all over again.

Single many years too, and done some OD. One thing I have noticed, which some of you have mentioned, is the preponderance of men who text a lot, and are very flirty, but when it comes to actually getting together, are very slippery. I dated one for a while and he was very keen at first, and then he stood me up one night, and did the whole "not looking for a relationship" speech.
Fine, but soon he started texting again, being really flirty, asked if we could try again. So we went out. He behaved like an arrogant arse, invited himself back to mine and got into my bed naked. I thought "what the hell. I'll get some action then never see him again" at which point he fell asleep.
I have encountered other men who will text flirty stuff to me, but rarely actually want to meet. (And no they weren't married).
All my single friends have similar stories. It's a myth that men want sex all the time. They actually seem really screwed up about sex. It's like the sexual revolution happened, but not for them.
All this makes me sound like I am a nut job and scaring them off. Maybe I am. In my teens and twenties I had long term relationships. I am confident with men, and I think that frikkin terrifies them.
They seem to want a fantasy rather than a real woman, and Online dating gives them the perfect opportunity to make virtual contact with women, without having to put their money where their mouth is, so to speak.
Who the Hell knows where normal single men hang out. I fear that the normal ones are married/coupled up by 28, and the ones that are left are singled for very good reasons.
Never been sent a cock shot though!

NotNew

I think you've hit the nail on the head but it's not just decent people, it's decent compatible people too.

I work with a few decent, single blokes and also some decent single women. However, they are not even on each other's radar.

I had dinner with his granny because I had driven half an hour to get there, expecting to go out to dinner, she was very nice and felt sorry for me and had just cooked, and frankly both of us thought the least I deserved was a dinner after being stood up and humiliated like that. Also we had a good old natter and she was furious at his behaviour, not just standing me up but the lies about his job, kids, living arrangements, car and relationship history. If nothing else she'll have kicked his backside when he got in and maybe he won't treat another woman like that again.

And why can't a woman just want sex sometimes? Does a woman not have the same red blooded needs as a man? Does she not have the right to get her kicks if she wants to as well? Or are we still in 1950 with the same old "he's a stud/she's a whore" judgement on us? If someone is single for 3 years, as I have been at some points, do I also have to be celibate?? Why?

Flatbellyfella damned straight. I think the high indicidence of sleazeballs and fools people are meeting on plentyoffish etc. is... unsurprising.