Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

156 replies

Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:21

It is dp's 40th in the summer. For a long time he has made it clear that he would like to be abroad for his birthday. The problem is, I am doing an access course this year with no financial help and I am so poor I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids let alone think about saving up for a holiday. We don't live together and dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids.

Dp gets quite irate that I 'won't' do anything about his 40th. I keep telling him I can't shit miracles, and yes it's bad timing but I can't do anything about the fact that this year I am really skint. Next year when I am at uni I will have a lot more cash floating around and I have suggested maybe we go away at Christmas instead and just do something little on his actual birthday.

Now he has announced that he wants to go to Thailand with a female friend. He had known her for a long time and they are just platonic friends but all the same I feel like it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for me to think he will be going away for a month to celebrate his 40th with another woman. But, basically if he stays in England to be with me he will always resent me for it and probably have a shit birthday as I won't be able to afford to do much for him. Am I being unreasonable in having a bit of an issue with him going?

OP posts:
steff13 · 20/04/2014 03:27

Can he afford to take you to Thailand, and leave the kids at home? I wouldn't be thrilled with my husband going on vacation with another woman, platonic or not.

Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:31

No he has to take his as he only gets to see them in the holidays as they live quite far away, and leaving mine behind isn't an option as i literally don't have anyone to leave them with.

OP posts:
steff13 · 20/04/2014 03:38

So, it's not just him and the woman, but him, the woman, and his kids? I still wouldn't like it. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

How long have you been together?

lunar1 · 20/04/2014 03:51

I don't think you can ask him not to go. This is obviously something he really wants for what he sees as a big milestone.

Roshbegosh · 20/04/2014 03:53

He isn't really your partner is he?

ZenGardener · 20/04/2014 04:11

So who exactly is going? It sounds like you are omitting details here.

Slainte · 20/04/2014 06:48

If he can afford a month in Thailand for himself and his DC. He could definitely instead afford a week in Europe for you both and all your DC.

He sounds a bit spoilt having these expectations for your money. I would not be happy with the going away with another woman for a month.

YANBU

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/04/2014 06:55

No YANBU.

He shouldn't do that and is acting like child.

No one needs a month holiday for a birthday.

Are you also 100% sure they are platonic???sorry.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 20/04/2014 06:56

I actually would let him go but dump him. I don't readily say LTB either usually.

flowery · 20/04/2014 07:00

"dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids."

Of course they would, if you went somewhere cheaper or for not as long or both.

He doesn't sound very nice.

Jinty64 · 20/04/2014 07:06

Does he have any good points? This would finish it for me. If he wanted to do something abroad with you he could afford it if he can afford a month in Thailand. He is doing exactly what he wants to do, and stuff you. Have you been seeing each other long?

Booboostoo · 20/04/2014 07:11

What Slainte said! Why doesn't he chose a more affordable holiday you can all go on?

SavoyCarrot · 20/04/2014 07:11

A month in Thailand! If he wanted to he could take you and all the dc away for the cost of a month away.

coffeeinbed · 20/04/2014 07:13

One month?
Not even the queen has a one month celebration for her birthday.

He knows you can't afford it, why would he resent it?

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 07:17

A month in Thailand wow....he must be very comfortable financially to zip off for that amount of time.

OneOfMyTurnsComingOn · 20/04/2014 07:29

Sounds like a selfish twat to me. YANBU.

gamerchick · 20/04/2014 07:35

A month away with another woman because you don't have the money to treat him the way he wants?

Not a chance would I put up with that. He could afford a week away for all of you, he's just being a selfish arse.

I really would tell him to knob off and write the whole thing off.

Chottie · 20/04/2014 07:38

No YNBU at all.

A month's holiday with another woman!!!! I'm sorry to have to say this, but he does not sound very committed to your relationship.

fuzzpig · 20/04/2014 07:40

Wow what a spoilt brat!

MyGastIsFlabbered · 20/04/2014 07:47

He sounds very spoilt. It's also my 40th this July, we're having a big party in our garden. HIBU if he expects you to find money from nowhere, and expects you to be ok with him going away for a month with another woman. All it takes is a few too many drinks to go from platonic to FWB (IMO anyway).

tripecity · 20/04/2014 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Inertia · 20/04/2014 08:00

Not many people would be able to afford to pay for themselves and their families to spend a month on holiday in a different continent !

He could afford to pay for you and your children if he scaled back his plans. You're just not important enough to him.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 20/04/2014 08:11

YADNBU! He sounds like a selfish twat. Who the hell needs a one month holiday in Thailand, a fortnight would be sufficient.

OP if he goes ahead going on the holiday with another woman (platonic or not), I'd finish with.

Odaat · 20/04/2014 08:13

LTB

RedRoom · 20/04/2014 09:06

I agree- he is self centred. Nobody needs a month in Thailand to celebrate a birthday- that is just ridiculous. The idea that he'd 'resent you for having a shit birthday' is madness: most people can't afford to have a month in Thailand bu still have lovely 40th birthdays.

I also don't think going with a woman for a month instead of you is at all appropriate, even if they are just friends. How horrible of him to have you know that he is enjoying sun, wine, culture, food etc with someone else because you couldn't afford to go but she could. It's almost like punishment for you not being prepared to pay to go with him: 'Fine, I'll take a woman who does want to make my birthday special then.'

If he can afford this lavish month long trip, he can easily afford to pay for you and your children for a week somewhere in Europe. He is choosing not to because he is putting himself before you / holidaying with you.

He should admire your decision to do this access course despite it being financially tough for you, and he should be sensitive to your situation. A month abroad is a big financial ask of most people (not to mention getting time off work): I can't understand why he can't see that.