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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

156 replies

Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:21

It is dp's 40th in the summer. For a long time he has made it clear that he would like to be abroad for his birthday. The problem is, I am doing an access course this year with no financial help and I am so poor I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids let alone think about saving up for a holiday. We don't live together and dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids.

Dp gets quite irate that I 'won't' do anything about his 40th. I keep telling him I can't shit miracles, and yes it's bad timing but I can't do anything about the fact that this year I am really skint. Next year when I am at uni I will have a lot more cash floating around and I have suggested maybe we go away at Christmas instead and just do something little on his actual birthday.

Now he has announced that he wants to go to Thailand with a female friend. He had known her for a long time and they are just platonic friends but all the same I feel like it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for me to think he will be going away for a month to celebrate his 40th with another woman. But, basically if he stays in England to be with me he will always resent me for it and probably have a shit birthday as I won't be able to afford to do much for him. Am I being unreasonable in having a bit of an issue with him going?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 20/04/2014 10:11

I think the other woman's a side issue really.

He just doesn't seem worth having around regardless of that.

Hikonyan · 20/04/2014 10:22

Dump him.

ENormaSnob · 20/04/2014 10:32

Get rid.

You mean shit all to this man.

ENormaSnob · 20/04/2014 10:33

Get rid.

You mean shit all to this man.

Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 12:34

He is a teacher so has the summer holidays off, he wouldn't be taking time off work.

It would be him, his daughter, his friend, his friend's son and possibly his 16 year old son as well but he has got to the age now that he doesn't really want to go on holiday with his dad.

We have been together for 2.5 years.

It just came up in conversation again, about how I have made no effort to do anything for his birthday, and I lost it with him. I would love nothing more that to go to Thailand for a month but it's just not feasible. Every time I buy my kids a little treat, say a kinder egg or something, I get it in the neck because that's money I could have put towards his 40th. My kids are suffering enough as we have no money for days out etc this year, so I shouldn't have to justify getting them the odd sweet or book from a charity shop. Even if I didn't buy them those things there's no way it would add up to he 3k or so I would need to go to Thailand for a month.

So the upshot is, it's over. I told him to go on holiday with his mate but that's it between us. It's just really sad for my youngest dd as she sees him as her dad as she has no relationship with her real dad. It will be hard explaining to her that she won't see him anymore.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 20/04/2014 12:39

Beave you are well out of that. What kind of twat thinks you shouldn't buy you child a Kinder Egg so you can save up to give him a special birthday celebration.
Your youngest DD will probably forget who he is before too long with any luck

TruJay · 20/04/2014 12:45

Bloody hell. I'm really sorry it has ended this way and hope things will get better in time. It is sad for your youngest dd too.
but if my dh told me that the money i spend on the regular kinder eggs i buy our ds could be put to better use, he would here resounding FU!!
what a bloody stupid comment and how spoilt "it could go towards my 40th!" what 80 pence, what a spoilt moron!
wish u well with your children and on completing your course Thanks

TruJay · 20/04/2014 12:46

*hear a resounding
that should say

WireCat · 20/04/2014 13:10

Oh my god. The guy is an absolute tosser. Moaning at you for buying your children some chocolate. As if saving those few quid the chocolate would add up to, would mean you could go to Thailand for a month. FFs.
He'd rather your kids go without.
Really.
Think about it.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 13:14

Sorry about this, but if he thinks your children should go without even the occasional tiny treat so that you can put the money towards his massively expensive and unnecessary one month holiday, you are SO much better off without him in your life.

Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 13:20

Thailand you say? I'd be tempted to sew a few packets of chalk dust into the lining of his suitcase before he leaves. no I wouldn't, not really

Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 13:24

:) well he has discovered this thread so anything you want to say to him you can tell him directly now!

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 20/04/2014 13:28

Ex Mr Beavie - do you fear Beavie doesn't love you because she refuses to spend this enormous amount of money on you?

That's about the kindest possible interpretation I think I can come up with here.

SavoyCarrot · 20/04/2014 13:32

I think the friend is a side issue too. The main problem being that he does to place a value on you being a part of the completely over the top birthday celebrations.

I hope he never wins the Nobel Peace Prize. Imagine the celebrations.

I just had to spend time away from my dh (visa issues) and it was awful. We want to share experiences with each other and be together.

Inertia · 20/04/2014 13:33

Hi Beavie's ex.

Hope you're proud of kicking off about a 3 year old child getting some chocolate, just because you think that money - money that a hard-up lone parent put aside to treat her children- should be spent on your birthday.

If you were any kind of partner you'd have spent the money on a trip for all of you - instead you've behaved like a petulant arse because your partner doesn't have the money to fund your dream birthday holiday.

OnlyLovers · 20/04/2014 13:37

OP, you're well out of it. If my DP actively wanted to spend a month away without me (with or without friends, of either gender) I would think that he didn't think much of me or my company at all.

Your ex was clearly just trying to get a rise out of you.

Beavie's ex, if you're reading, you've behaved atrociously.

JustAQuickQuestionPlease · 20/04/2014 13:40

OP's ex boyfriend, you are a twat. You are expecting her to spend money on your birthday, you big baby, when she is struggling to feed her own children?

You are behaving like a spoiled brat.

Blithereens · 20/04/2014 13:40

What the fuck. You're well shot of this dickweasel. Well done you on your access course :)

Pumpkinpositive · 20/04/2014 13:42

It's just really sad for my youngest dd as she sees him as her dad as she has no relationship with her real dad. It will be hard explaining to her that she won't see him anymore

Better now than later. Thanks

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 20/04/2014 13:42

You're well out of that one OP.

As someone said, if he can afford a month in Thailand he could afford to help you out for you, him and all the children to do a week somewhere cheaper.

If he loved you and was a real partner that's what he'd want. No 'ooh big sacrifice!' He'd prefer it, because it meant fun and downtime with YOU and all the kids.

But what's most important to him is HIS BIRTHDAY EXPERIENCE (wahhh wahh!! Me want the best!).

Let him go. Fine if those are his priorities, at least he's not pretending to give a shit about anyone but himself (Jesus what grown adult makes such a fuss about a birthday?!)

What's more worrying really is the nagging, the guilting, the seeing himself as being more important than your kids. So again, good that you've dumped the Kinder Egg Sadface Man.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 20/04/2014 13:43

Oh I missed your last post!

slithytove · 20/04/2014 13:44

Hi Beavies ex, you are a selfish wanker and I would LOVE to hear your side of things, as you trying to stop a wee child getting the occasional treat so you can force your girlfriend to pay for you to fuck off to Thailand sounds completely unjustifiable to me.

Apart from anything else, who are you to tell Beavie how to spend her money? Controlling pillock.

Have a great holiday and I hope you don't get food poisoning while living it up in Thailand

SaucyJack · 20/04/2014 13:46

Getting that arsehole out of your DD's life was the best thing you could've done. Don't regret a thing dude.

Nocomet · 20/04/2014 13:47

A real DP would find a compromise involving you, him and all the DCs.
If he can aford flights to Thailand he can afford to take you somewhere nice in the UK or a cheap ferry/easy jet trip.

Sorry, but once a selfish arse always a selfish arse.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 20/04/2014 13:48

Moaning about you buying your child a kinder egg as it could have been saved for his birthday Shock

Ex if you are easing you are a selfish, childish man child who needs to realize he is turning 40 not 4