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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

156 replies

Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:21

It is dp's 40th in the summer. For a long time he has made it clear that he would like to be abroad for his birthday. The problem is, I am doing an access course this year with no financial help and I am so poor I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids let alone think about saving up for a holiday. We don't live together and dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids.

Dp gets quite irate that I 'won't' do anything about his 40th. I keep telling him I can't shit miracles, and yes it's bad timing but I can't do anything about the fact that this year I am really skint. Next year when I am at uni I will have a lot more cash floating around and I have suggested maybe we go away at Christmas instead and just do something little on his actual birthday.

Now he has announced that he wants to go to Thailand with a female friend. He had known her for a long time and they are just platonic friends but all the same I feel like it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for me to think he will be going away for a month to celebrate his 40th with another woman. But, basically if he stays in England to be with me he will always resent me for it and probably have a shit birthday as I won't be able to afford to do much for him. Am I being unreasonable in having a bit of an issue with him going?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 16:24

Yeah I'm ok thanks slithy. We have broken up a couple of times in the last few months then got back together, so it has been leading up to this. I am really upset for my youngest dd as she loves him to bits and she won't understand why her dad has suddenly disappeared, and I need to come up with a coping strategy as I suffer with depression and I know it will be easy to sink into a black hole over this. But I know it's for the best, we have not made each other happy for quite some time and probably only really been carrying on for the sake of youngest dd.

OP posts:
WireCat · 20/04/2014 16:25

You're better off without him OP.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/04/2014 16:34

You'd really think that by the time someone reached the respectable age of 40 that they'd have grown out of childish demands for birthday treats. Most of us grown-ups tend to opt for a cake and, if it's a very special birthday, an evening's drinks with family and/or very good friends.

Can't help thinking you were deliberately set up to fail on this one, Beavie.

(I am both bitter and twisted btw, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong.)

clam · 20/04/2014 16:37

He shags prostitutes in Thailand, yet you've stuck with him? Shock

MyPrettyToes · 20/04/2014 16:42

Beavie - Do you have self esteem issues? I cannot understand why have you set the bar so low for yourself by settling for this weasel? He is a teacher? I despair for the children he teaches. Do yourself and your children a favour by dumping his arse for good this time. I would rather be single than be feeling the way you are right now.

Before we were married my husband paid for my holidays for me, never expected me to put myself in debt for his birthdays and was kind, loving and loyal to me. Over a decade later he is still the same lovely man. Never once has he ever used any kind deed he did for me as a stick to beat me with. I mean what sort of man would throw a fit because their skint woman has bought a chocolate or a second hand book for her child?

They are lovely, lovely men out there who would treat you so much better. You deserve that.

You ex (please let him stay that way) sounds immature, selfish, greedy and, quite frankly, repulsive. If he really shags prostitutes imagine what sort of diseases he is likely to pass on to you.

Your DD consider's him her dad? By staying with him you will be teaching her that how he treats you is the way a man should behave towards a woman. Would you want a man like him for her?

You actually sound amazing - articulate, ambitious and you want to build a better future for you and your children. You can do it you will be happier doing it without this sorry excuse for a man.

Good luck Thanks

MelonadeAgain · 20/04/2014 16:45

Does this other woman actually exist?

Anyway, a man self centred enough to insist on a month's holiday in Thailand for this 40th (and not be generous enough to pay for you when you have good reasons for not affording it this year at least), isn't a man worth staying in a relationship with.

Whats he wanting to do in Thailand of all places? For a month. Great love of the temples, has he?

slithytove · 20/04/2014 16:53

beavie try not to worry about your dd, children are very resilient and a happy mum will go a long way to combat her missing him. If you haven't been happy recently, then this will be a big change.

I am sure you will manage to cope. If you feel yourself sliding into the pit just come here where you will have loads of support. Take pleasure in every little treat you give your kids without any more criticism, and never forget what a selfish twat XP is, and how much you deserve better x

JerseySpud · 20/04/2014 16:56

Beavies Ex

Do you REALLY begrudge a child a kinder egg? Are you really so superior that all money must be spent on YOUR birthday?

I hate to tell you this but the world does not revolve around you and your demands.

Hth.

Oldraver · 20/04/2014 16:58

Your DD will be better for not having this selfish man in her life...pity the poor children he teaches

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/04/2014 17:12

Tell your daughter that her dad wanted her sweets so that he could go on holiday to celebrate his birthday so you decided she was more important than he is. She will understand completely.

MostWicked · 20/04/2014 17:13

It's just really sad for my youngest dd as she sees him as her dad as she has no relationship with her real dad.

But the feeling clearly isn't mutual. He doesn't see your DD as his own.
Much better that ties are cut now, than her finding out in years to come, that he has always and will always, put himself first.

I'm sorry that you have had to go through this, but you are SO much better off without him.

pissedglitter · 20/04/2014 17:21

Beavie he is a selfish twat
And he shags prostitutes
That makes him a double twat

You are well rid of him

pissedglitter · 20/04/2014 17:22

Oh and get yourself checked out at a clinic
I dread to think what diseases he could have picked up Confused

MexicanSpringtime · 20/04/2014 17:26

No, don't tell your dd anything hurtful about the exp, but really she may have seen him as a father, but he obviously doesn't see her as a daughter, not only does he not want to bring on holiday with him, but instead of bringing her treats himself, he wants her to go without.

Now OP, very well done, though we all know how hard it is to break up, even from someone useless. I'm glad you are going to uni soon, that is certainly something to look forward to.

NellysKnickers · 20/04/2014 17:29

Its up to him what he does BUT its up to you whether or not you wish to stay with a selfish arse. I am a little bitter and twisted, had a shite weekend!

Lambzig · 20/04/2014 17:46

Poor you, I think you are best rid of him.

I was going to say console yourself that it's normally very rainy there in July, but if he is shagging prostitutes then he won't mind the weather. When travelling with his daughter too - nice (although I expect that you might have said that to annoy him as you don't sound like someone who would put up with that.

SuchSweetSorrow · 20/04/2014 20:15

Well done on getting rid, OP

Onwards and upwards Thanks

Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 20:19

Thanks everyone...just dropped him off after a looooong drive home from Cornwall.

Yes he has shagged prostitutes, both in the uk and Thailand - something I always struggled to come to terms with and never quite got my head around. I really wish he hadn't told me. This was all before we got together and yes we both had thorough checks at the start of the relationship, and I did again recently so I know everything is ok in that department.

Feeling pretty shite but if Easter isn't a good day for new beginnings then I don't know what is.

OP posts:
AwfulMaureen · 20/04/2014 20:26

He's not very committed is he? If he were he'd scale back and pay for you all to go somewhere nice in England...or for a bit of a party. I'd not be happy to be in a relationship with him.

SpiderNugent · 20/04/2014 20:47

You missed a trick. Whenever he mentioned the birthday you should have said shush is a surprise, then on the day -surprise you are dumped! :)

Greensleeves · 20/04/2014 20:54

What a rotten Easter for you, I am so sorry he's such a twunt Sad

You're right about new beginnings though. You may find now that a great dead weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you actually feel happier!

catsmother · 20/04/2014 21:17

Beavie - well done you for having the strength - despite your concerns re: depression to tell this pathetic spoilt brat where to go.

It is astoundingly rude to badger your partner (or anyone else for that matter) over what you expect for your birthday. I believe that's true even if we were speaking about an item of clothing or an inexpensive gadget. There is no excuse for it at all. To pressurise someone who's on a very tight budget in an attempt to make them feel "mean" somehow - even though their children are (by necessity and with understandable reason) going without is downright cruel. How effing arrogant must this so-called "man" have been to imagine that his entertainment should take priority above all else ?

It's a birthday FFS - it's not life of death. Celebrating in any fashion at all is a nice-to-do not a necessity. A month long hoo-ha is taking the piss .... fine if you can afford it, but NOT fine if you make your partner feel like shit as a result, not only running them down but rubbing their face in the fact that they will be enjoying themselves with someone else (regardless of being platonic).

I almost wonder Beavie if this whole thing was designed to set you up to fall ? Unless he's incredibly thick, which, if he's a teacher, you'd hope wasn't the case - he must be fully aware of your financial circumstances. To harp on (and on and on) when he knew there was no way you could ever meet his fucking demands would surely be pointless ....... unless, he was either hoping you'd tell him where to go, thus avoiding him having to be the "bad guy", or, if this "friend" isn't entirely platonic (or he's hoping she won't be) then he has an "excuse" to go with her because, after all, you "wouldn't save up to go".

Whatever .... someone like that, who can behave so insensitively and callously isn't worth it. I appreciate you're worried for your daughter but you know deep down don't you that if he's capable of this sort of behaviour towards you then sooner or later he'd probably let her down too. And that's before you get onto the prostitutes - clearly he sees women only as objects which he can use one way or another.

It may sound glib but I really do think you've had a lucky escape.

AlpacaPicnic · 20/04/2014 21:42

Mmmm, he sounds like such a catch said no one ever

Sorry that you had to drive back from Cornwall with him. I would have dropped him at Plymouth train station and let him spend some of his hard saved up money on a last minute train ticket to home... But I'm a mardy cow.

Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 21:50

Thanks catsmother, I think you hit the nail on the head there with everything that you said. I just don't know what he was hoping to achieve by guilt tripping me about this, it certainly wasn't going to make 3 grand appear from nowhere.

The latest thing he has been doing over the last couple of weeks, since finding out that my mum is going to cash in some of her pension so that she can pay for her kids and my kids to go to Florida next year for her 60th, is harrassing me to ask my mum to borrow the money. I told him point blank that I was not prepared to do that. My mum has had to bail me out every now and again in dire emergencies over the years but I am not prepared, at age 33, to ask her to lend me 3k to go to Thailand. For a start she would say no, and secondly, just no. Also that would mean that pretty much all of my first wedge of student money will go straight back to my mum, leaving me with nothing for that term or Christmas. He was VERY annoyed that I wouldn't ask her.

OP posts:
RubyReins · 20/04/2014 22:30

Oh dear god - he asked you to borrow money from your mother for a month long holiday? Asking one's partner to borrow money from their parents for your own ends is seldom ok but for a holiday?! My DH and I didn't have a holiday for eight years as we couldn't justify it. This guy sounds like a massive douche. I am sorry that you've been through this but glad you've found a way out. And if that makes me a bitter and twisted old hag then that's fine by me flicks glossy locks Hope you're ok OP Wine