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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

156 replies

Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:21

It is dp's 40th in the summer. For a long time he has made it clear that he would like to be abroad for his birthday. The problem is, I am doing an access course this year with no financial help and I am so poor I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids let alone think about saving up for a holiday. We don't live together and dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids.

Dp gets quite irate that I 'won't' do anything about his 40th. I keep telling him I can't shit miracles, and yes it's bad timing but I can't do anything about the fact that this year I am really skint. Next year when I am at uni I will have a lot more cash floating around and I have suggested maybe we go away at Christmas instead and just do something little on his actual birthday.

Now he has announced that he wants to go to Thailand with a female friend. He had known her for a long time and they are just platonic friends but all the same I feel like it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for me to think he will be going away for a month to celebrate his 40th with another woman. But, basically if he stays in England to be with me he will always resent me for it and probably have a shit birthday as I won't be able to afford to do much for him. Am I being unreasonable in having a bit of an issue with him going?

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/04/2014 19:44

You've posted about him before haven't you?
Very well done. He is not good enough for you. It's such a relief to hear you've ltb.

RubyReins · 21/04/2014 20:24

Just shown DH this thread - he pulled his incredulous face and said "what fucking twat would do that? He's a teacher?! Fuck". Thought I'd share :) Really hope all's well with you OP.

Original poster

Beavie · 21/04/2014 21:14

Yes I have posted about him before. He just came round to get his stuff, and told me that he has gone through all my previous threads, which tbh I'm surprised he hasn't done before. He had a go at me for writing stuff about him and then not sticking up for him when people call him names!!!!

Um, seriously? You start a thread about someone because you're pissed off with them and then defend them when people agree with you?

He then accused me of scratching his car as someone has deliberately scratched it. I told him not to flatter himself and I would have to actually give a shit to go and do something like that.

I asked him to say some kind of goodbye to dd2. He said he will come over and take her out and tell her that he has to go away...I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not? She just asked who will pick her up from pre school tomorrow as he usually picked her up, and I said it will be mummy. She asked why it wouldn't be my ex and I said that we won't see him as much anymore. She asked why he isn't my best friend anymore and I said that we used to shout at each other and made each other sad. Then she asked who will be my best friend now and suggested herself, and I said that yes her and dd1 could be my best friends and she seems happy with that. Feel really crap and have an exam in the morning that I've done no revision for :(

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/04/2014 21:27

Sorry Beavie

foslady · 21/04/2014 21:48

PJ's, cuppa, get into bed and read the trickiest bit.

Good luck for tomorrow - at least he's reiterated his colours to you which is little comfort I know

Your dd sounds lovely though!

Original poster

Beavie · 21/04/2014 22:05

Thanks, yeah I do feel like a weight has been lifted and I am moving forward in the right direction. We were just really, really bad for each other, I know I haven't been easy to deal with because of my depression, and he can just be generally quite hard work, but I think we just rubbed each other up the wrong way.

Looking back, the writing was on the wall from the start. I think I wanted to convince myself that he was right for me as when we met I was in a very bad place emotionally. He did get me out of that place and I'm grateful for that. He became a teacher so that he could live abroad, so now he is free to do that, and I have uni and a new career to look forward to.

OP posts:

Dozer · 21/04/2014 22:16

No no no, you weren't bad for each other, he is a total loser. And abusive.

Dozer · 21/04/2014 22:18

Given your relationship history and putting up with far, far too much crap from this tosser before ending it, perhaps it'd be good to do somethng like the freedom programme?

Not a good plan for him take your DC out alone anymore, he can say bye to them with you there.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/04/2014 22:27

Yes some counselling or something is a good idea before you date anyone else, so that you will be able to spot dickheads in plenty of time and tell them to fuck right off.

Original poster

Beavie · 21/04/2014 22:29

Yes I have been meaning to do that for some time, I will get my access course out of the way and then do it. My cafcass officer told me that I needed to do a course like that but I hadn't got round to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beavie · 21/04/2014 22:33

I am really in no hurry to date anyone else. I need to reconnect with friends as I have become more and more withdrawn over the last few years, I think just getting some kind of social life back and having some laughs is what I need. I have really lost my confidence though and I find any social situation really intimidating so it will be hard work. I used to be very different, but that seems like a different life now. It doesn't help that I am living in a new area where I don't know anyone, and all my friends are an hour or so away.

OP posts:

mamalovesmojitos · 21/04/2014 22:49

You're well rid of him. Best of luck on your course . You're doing all the right things.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/04/2014 06:45

Agree with pp that you weren't bad for each other. He was just bad. What a yucky, creepy man.
Good luck for today. You are a goddess. And you and your children will be all the better for the decision you made to get rid of him.

AlpacaPicnic · 22/04/2014 07:24

Congratulations on the first day of your new life! Your dd sounds amazing and calm, she clearly takes after her mum.

Now is the time to concentrate on you, your course and your dcs.

ebwy · 22/04/2014 07:35

my 3 year old can understand that we can't afford everything he wants.

this man 13 times his age can't? Grow up.

and I'm not even considering the expecting your children not to have clothes as worth answering.

what a selfish, infantile fuckwit!

halfwildlingwoman · 22/04/2014 07:39

I predict that your depression will get better now. Maybe not immediately, but soon. Well done for getting rid of him.
I wondered if I knew him about halfway through this thread as he sounded very like a complete waste of sking I used to work with, but he is not the person I know.
I really hope the prostitutes he sleeps with in Thailand are over 16, otherwise he really really isn't fit to be a teacher.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/04/2014 07:42

Well done OP.

Also I would like to borrow your phrase "I can't shit miracles" from your original post.

oldgrandmama · 22/04/2014 08:21

You've done absolutely the right thing, OP. Today your life, the life you and your kids deserve, starts. Your ex sounds a complete horror and my blood runs cold to think he's a teacher.

How sweet, your DD's comment about being your friend. Bless her.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/04/2014 08:26

FWIW I wouldn't want a 'man' who thinks it's ok to buy a prostitute to wank into anywhere near my young daughter, MUCH less standing as a father figure to her.

Seriously shit. Glad he's out of your life.

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/04/2014 08:43

He was never your best friend OP. Seriously.

echt · 22/04/2014 09:04

Well done, OP. You are well rid.

It mortifies me to think such a person is a teacher.

Original poster

Beavie · 22/04/2014 18:11

He didn't tell me about the prostitute thing until maybe 6 months into the relationship...by that time I was really in love with him and also quite reliant on him as he was helping me to untangle my brain from the control that dd2's dad had over me. It did really do my head in, and there isn't enough brain bleach in the world to undo what he told me. For the rest of our relationship I would often think of it, usually half way through sex, and I'd feel sick. Especially as some if not all of the girls he paid for were quite young (about 20)...just nasty and exploitative. I just hope he learns to keep this to himself in his next relationship as it's really not the kind of thing your girlfriend wants to know.

Did my exam on about 4 hours sleep, mind was whirring last night, don't think it went too badly, and got my results for the last one which I thought I'd not done very well in...got a distinction so pleased with that :)

OP posts:

Lambzig · 22/04/2014 18:13

Well done on the distinction.

MexicanSpringtime · 23/04/2014 00:09

Congratulations on your exam results, Beavie.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/04/2014 06:59

Congratulations Beavie Clever thing.

And btw. For future romances it's worth knowing that if the man you've fallen for reveals a side to himself you find abhorrent, you're allowed to fall out of love and leave.

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