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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being over sensitive and unreasonable?

156 replies

Beavie · 20/04/2014 03:21

It is dp's 40th in the summer. For a long time he has made it clear that he would like to be abroad for his birthday. The problem is, I am doing an access course this year with no financial help and I am so poor I can barely afford to feed myself and the kids let alone think about saving up for a holiday. We don't live together and dp's wages wouldn't stretch to taking me and my kids on holiday as well as him and his own kids.

Dp gets quite irate that I 'won't' do anything about his 40th. I keep telling him I can't shit miracles, and yes it's bad timing but I can't do anything about the fact that this year I am really skint. Next year when I am at uni I will have a lot more cash floating around and I have suggested maybe we go away at Christmas instead and just do something little on his actual birthday.

Now he has announced that he wants to go to Thailand with a female friend. He had known her for a long time and they are just platonic friends but all the same I feel like it's a bit of a kick in the teeth for me to think he will be going away for a month to celebrate his 40th with another woman. But, basically if he stays in England to be with me he will always resent me for it and probably have a shit birthday as I won't be able to afford to do much for him. Am I being unreasonable in having a bit of an issue with him going?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beavie · 20/04/2014 22:41

Thanks ruby. I really hope he's reading this and considering the possibility that he might just have been out of order here, but I strongly suspect that he is still 100% convinced that he is in the right.

I am best off out of it. It will be hard adjusting to being totally on my own but he just did my nut in, it wasn't healthy. Hopefully he will find someone who has lots of money in the bank to pay for exotic trips, and who is preferably a bit hard of hearing to cope with the snoring.

OP posts:
RubyReins · 20/04/2014 23:06

:) Stay strong lady Flowers

trixymalixy · 20/04/2014 23:12

What a prize dick. Hope he's happy with the boot he got for his 40th.

Seriously you're better off with him.

YouTheCat · 21/04/2014 00:07

Is he on glue or something?

Original poster
Beavie · 21/04/2014 00:11

Grin you'd be forgiven for thinking so!

OP posts:
Slainte · 21/04/2014 07:08

The other thing is, how disgusting of him to flaunt his money in front of you given your current circumstances. Shows a complete lack of empathy which is a horrible trait in anyone.

foslady · 21/04/2014 09:47

The other thing is, it wouldn't just have stopped at this, would it? How much extra would he have wanted when you were there 'for his birthday'? And when you got back, what would have been expected for Christmas??
Hate spoilt.jerks who behave like this and then throw every toy out the pram when they can't get their own way......may you have a classroom full of them next year op's ex......and is the friend REALLY on board for the trip or was it one of those throw away comments ie
'Yar book sucks my GF won't come on holiday with me' (forgetting to mention who'd be expencted to be paying)
'Really? I'd go with you.....'

Get qualified OP, save your cash and have the fab holiday you and yours deserve x

FryOneFatManic · 21/04/2014 10:08

Beavie I'm glad you've got rid of him. It's so very very clear that he just sees women as something to use, either for sex or money. He wouldn't have cared if you ended up having to give your mum all your student money to pay her back, he just saw your mum as another woman with money that he could use in one way or another.

And while he may have paid for your holiday to France, it's clear you didn't have much option, and he was using it as something to get at you with.

You're well rid.

BolshierAyraStark · 21/04/2014 10:30

What an absolute cock of a man child, OP you're well rid.

MoaningLisa · 21/04/2014 10:35

Sounds like something my ex would have done. He was selfish thinking he's owed something dickhead.

You're well shot.

Original poster
Beavie · 21/04/2014 10:35

He was often generous with money, he paid for meals out etc, but the fact that I couldn't reciprocate was used as a stick to beat me with, I was accused of being 'tight' all the time when the fact is I really don't have any spare money. He wouldn't accept that I was skint as I had enough money to buy my kids x,y, or z, e.g. a comic or sweets. On Friday we were in the supermarket and I picked up a couple of items of clothing for the kids which were already half price in the sale, with an extra 25% off, and I even got 'you say you're skint but you can afford to buy your kids clothes!' WTF? Am I supposed to acquire brown sacks and cut holes in them for the kids? I honestly think that he expected me and my kids to live in complete misery so that I could save up to treat him.

OP posts:
clam · 21/04/2014 10:38

Yes, remember that this was never just about his birthday treat. That was just an example showing what an unpleasant personality you got yourself mixed up with. The business was an eye-opener as to his attitudes to all sorts (and, quelle surprise, he turns out to be into prostitutes!) and I bet there's a whole lot more that would have meant a lifetime of misery for you.

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2014 10:48

You are more than well rid of him, but as a matter of interest , why did you never live with him? Especially as your DC looked on him as a 'father figure'.

But clearly, as the only thing that matters to him is money, and the show of it, you couldn't have continued with him anyway.

FryOneFatManic · 21/04/2014 10:49

It doesn't surprise me that he's not with the mother of his own children. If he's the sort to put what he wants ahead of necessary items such as clothes for his kids...............

mrstigs · 21/04/2014 10:54

People like him will never think they are in the wrong. Otherwise twats would stop being twats wouldn't they. That's why he'd rather think a bunch of completely unrelated women all just happen to be bitter and twisted and found this thread to say the same thing in response to this situation. Couldn't possibly be that this is exactly what everyone thinks when they see this kind of behaviour, that would mean he is wrong, and then he won't get what he wants! Shock
He is a loser who will be spending his 40th with only the company he has bought, you are definitely better off out of it.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 21/04/2014 10:55

Crikes - he sounds awful! Really terrible.

Wine - cheers to the first day of the rest of your life!

Original poster
Beavie · 21/04/2014 11:00

We didn't live together because of financial reasons, as he has not been qualified long so is not earning a huge amount - fine for him but if we lived together he would have to support me and my kids, and i would lose a lot of my tax credits which I rely on to survive, and I would have been totally dependent on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beavie · 21/04/2014 11:04

Grin exactly mrstigs! That's him down to a t. Just so happens that I completely agree with what his ex wife says about him, in that he is a control freak with anger issues, and guess what, we are both wrong! Just like you are all wrong too.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2014 11:09

Is it really mean of me to hope his drink gets spiked by a gang of Ladyboys???
Unless of course that's what he's into

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 21/04/2014 11:13

OP you need to see all the big fat red flags staring at you. He sounds narcissistic

catsmother · 21/04/2014 11:19

..... and this "man" works with children, yet despite having his own as well (which you'd think might give a bit of a clue) doesn't seem to have the first clue about allocation of household finances in most normal families. It certainly isn't (or shouldn't be) the adults getting the lion's share for fripperies while the kids go without basics.

Spending money on you is irrelevant to his spoilt shows of petulance. If you earned as much as him and/or had lots of disposable income then maybe he'd have a point but you clearly don't and I presume you didn't whinge and whine until he bought you a meal (like he's done about treats for him). Personally, I don't spend money on other people unless I want to, and I don't "hold" anyone to it (unless it becomes clear later they're taking the piss) because I appreciate we can't all be equal and if you have spare money then that's what (most) people do for their less fortunate friends or family. So don't feel at all guilty about that !

Nanny0gg · 21/04/2014 11:30

We didn't live together because of financial reasons, as he has not been qualified long so is not earning a huge amount

Which clearly isn't much going towards his children.

I shudder to think of him teaching, and frankly you've had a very lucky escape.

RedRoom · 21/04/2014 11:35

I am absolutely disgusted that he wanted you to borrow your mum's pension money to pay to join him on a month long lavish birthday trip, with no thought about how you would manage to repay it.

I'm also disgusted that he criticised you for buying half price (and reduced further) clothes from a supermarket for your children, as if you were being unnecessarily lavish, and said that you should be saving it. Does he want your children to wear rags so that your money can all go towards things for him?

I am so cross on your behalf! How dare he!!!!

JennyOnAPlate · 21/04/2014 18:31

He's an absolute cock op, you are well rid.

What kind of man behaves like that?!!

Inertia · 21/04/2014 18:44

Blimey, didn't think he could get much worse after begrudging your children food and then the revelations about the prostitutes- but he also wanted your children to go without clothes and for you to use your mother's pension to pay for his birthday holiday? How on earth has this manchild ended up in a responsible job where empathy for children is a pre-requisite?

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