to think dh is a twat?

[thesortingtwat]

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

Is he just watching on TV?

Then leave the children with him.

Well you don't have to understand it. Some people have passions in life that aren't directly related to their family and friends. And need is a very subjective thing. Who decides the need? Because my DH can decides he needs me because he doesn't fancy putting three kids to bed by themselves or he's feeling a bit poorly but he can whistle if he thinks I am cancelling a long standing arrangement for that.
While I accept that OPs need is more serious than that, I don't see why her deciding she needs him with no prior consultation and him been less than happy about complying makes him a twat.

Well said, Random. This "emotional investment" pp have been bringing up? Where's his emotional investment in his marriage, his wife, her pain?

There's nothing that says he isn't invested in all those things. However, you can be totally invested and still say that if, a year after her father's death, your wife chooses to arrange a meeting about a few possessions without checking with you first, you would prefer it if she rearranged it. At this stage, some give and take is reasonable.

Random, there are degrees of need. If my child or anyone else I love is distressed and needs me now, absolutely everything else goes by the wayside. But I'm thinking about a situation where, say, I've booked for a one-off theatre performance of something I absolutely love and there is no chance whatsoever of going any other time; and someone I love wants my moral support for a meeting which can happen at any time but has chosen to make it precisely the day of the theatre performance. I just don't think I would be doing anything terrible in suggesting I'd like her to put it off to another day.

Removes barb from her heart
RhondaJ, I've PMd you (to avoid derailing OP's thread in a way that could only be described as insensitive under the circs)

My DH is the most football/cricket fixated dude you could Hope to come across.

Even he agrees your DH is being a twat.

Quite apart from anything else, your DCs should not have to be present/involved in this conversation - he needs to man up and be there for them at the very least.

A fuck rhonda I was waiting for MOTD!
Going to have to leave thread now!

I know op didn't get a chance to check the date with her DH before agreeing but this game has only very recently become so crucial. I suspect if he knew how the outcome of this game would be so important, then the op would have known that this date wasn't do-able for him. The date has probably only now been a problem for him.

But, your DH should be with you. I can't believe if other posters ever go through what you have (God forbid) and the aftermath then they would be happy for their DH to watch a fucking football game instead of showing moral support. He is being disgraceful.

I'm sorry you are in this position with your DDad's wife. As others have said, best not to get your hopes up that she will hand anything over but it's hopefully a positive sign that she has agreed to meet you and I can understand why you would jump at any date she offered to meet with her. Might it be worth writing down what items you would like? Maybe why too? Just so you don't forget anything but also if she understands what you want, she might be more willing to consider letting you have them. She might be thinking you will be asking for something that is precious to her without realising it's sometimes silly little things which mean the most to you which hold no sentimental value to her.

I hope you are able to get some mementos of your DDad. All the best

Yikes! First rule for those who are patient enough to defer results-watching: NEVER GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA!

I know, but I've never heard a score on MN before. I thought I was safe here!

WyrdByrd: to be fair, I may have missed something in the thread, but I don't remember the OP saying that the DH said he wouldn't have the DCs. I think that's an assumption that's grown as the thread's gone on.

Even if Liverpool don't get to the match/it loses its 20 year importance due to a lost game in the meantime (displays total ignorance of way it all operates!), or the OP manages to re-schedule the meeting with her SM, the dh has made his feelings very clear as to where his wife stands in his priorities.
That's not going to go away.

Shoot sorry layme - I thought it would be okay given the anti football sentiment!

Op I'm now thinking from a totally different angle and ignoring the football completely here. Will the widow have other people with her? If not it might actually be better to meet her one to one, regardless of when, she might view it as trying to "bully" her (for want of a better word, sorry) if you turn up with your DH and she's on her own.

OP stated at 6.48 she will be dealing with the situation on her own (and with the children).

I agree clam. I'm not sure I could forget that easily. I remember my ex husband once saying he was too busy to comfort me the day I lost my dream contract and career and found out my contract wasn't being renewed and I was gutted, because he was playing a video game on his computer. 15 years later that is still not forgotten and is regularly regurgitated as an example of his selfish twatishness. I imagine it will be regurgitated for another 30.

Look, how was I to know how Liverpool were going to be performing when I made the date? They were shit last year. I didn't see it coming. If it was that important, he could have written it on the bloody calender.
I don't want to reschedule because I don't want her to feel I'm messing her around. I think clam has it right: irrespective of anything else, I'm really sad that his first thought was for football and not supporting me.

I know stepmother very well, by the way and we generally get on fine. It's just that there are certain possessions that are from my childhood (when he was married to my mum) that I'd hate to lose and I want her to make sure they come to us in the fullness of time and I'd also love something of his to remember him by to have now.

Massive difference between a video game and a one off time bound event random.

Op do you feel supported in general by him?

What time have you told your step mother you willbe there?

It's not really sounding like its going to be the massive confrontation I had pictured from your first few posts.

If you get on fine with your stepmother, I suspect you're better off going without dh. Otherwise she might feel she's being pressured and dig her heels in.

Football does rule the lives of many people. I know of a man who wanted to cancel his holiday which has been booked for a year because his lower league club had made it the play offs for promotion and he wants to attend the game instead.

I don't get it at all?

Yes, he's generally supportive. And no, it's not a confrontation, it's negotiation. I have to be mindful of her needs and feelings while fighting my own corner and I will find that hard to do with bf the baby and managing the toddler. I am not assertive which is why I have been walked over thus far and I could do with dh there to help me so she doesn't tie me up in knots as usual. I don't want to damage my relationship with her but she has spoken of her eventual intention to remarry and I'd rather family heirlooms stayed with me than a new family.

She won't feel pressured by dh, she likes him a lot more than she likes me!

If you feel you might get overly emotional when you are talking to her, have you considered writing her a letter to take with you to explain how you feel and what it is you would like and why it matters so much to you?

What time are you seeing her at?

Lunchtime. Won't be home before kickoff. Won't a letter look a bit like a shopping list, though? I want to be sensitive.

Well I wouldn't just make a list of items.

I'd put something like this

Dear step mother

I find it very hard to talk about my dad without getting upset. I know you miss him as much as I do and I'm glad we have all been able to support each other this last horrible year. It's meant a lot to me to know how much he is loved.

I realise that you will move on with your life, although you will never forget him, and that's right and natural. I really wanted to ask if you would talk to me about a few of his possessions, things which mean a huge amount to me from my childhood, and which remind me of him. I don't want to get overly emotional talking which is why I wrote this, I didn't want you to think I was angry with you in anyway if I became upset. But it would mean a lot to me to be able to decide with you what would happen to those things, perhaps to be able to have a few small momentous of him now to hold onto, and to know that I have something of him to give to my own children who are so small they will have few personal memories of how great he was.

---

I don't know if you realise but the kickoff on Sunday is 12.05 so the match will be over by 2pm. Could you find a pub nearby to eat lunch with the children which shows the football (I can show you a link to which pubs show sky sports) and head to her for 2pm?

I know it's a compromise but if he's a good bloke and supports you in general, maybe it's one worth making.

RhondaJ, it's 2.05, not 12.05! (According to BBC?)