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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think dh is a twat?

257 replies

thesortingtwat · 19/04/2014 23:22

My Dad died suddenly, violently and intestate last year. Have been thrashing out probate with his wife since; a really trying and emotive situation. I am due to meet her next week to discuss and will need to be assertive as she's not willing to part with any of Dad's personal effects. Dh won't come as moral support as Liverpool are playing. Am I right I thinking he's a selfish twat?

OP posts:

Jengnr · 20/04/2014 08:26

Nobody thinks it's more important. People are suggesting workarounds for her because both situations are important for different reasons.

The OP has suffered a terrible loss and I appreciate how difficult this situation is for her but if she wanted her husband's support so badly why didn't she make sure he was available before arranging the appointment?

TenMinutesEarly · 20/04/2014 08:34

Sorry you are going through this OP. Did your Father have a will? Write down what you want to say so that you don't forget.

BeckAndCall · 20/04/2014 08:38

So sorry for your terrible loss, OP.

Did your. DF's wife only offer you one time to meet or is it a mediated session perhaps?

Do you have to travel far?

Is there a chance to see her on Saturday morning, Saturday evening or anytime on Sunday? Or Friday night?

Help us understand why it can only be from 2 til 5 on Saturday. If you help us understand that, you should be able to make your DH understand the same. If we can't understand why it has to be then, then doubtless your DH, who really really wants to be doing something else, will be having difficulty understanding that too.

Not intending to be harsh, your Dad died last year but this is the only time on the only weekend since then that you could do this meeting? That may be geniueinly the case, but you can surely see how your DH would look at it and wonder the same?

AllThatGlistens · 20/04/2014 08:46

Just read this to my DH, who not only is a massive, massive Liverpool fan, but was born and raised in Anfield! So a true fanatic

It was a no brainer, and he didn't hesitate, your DH should be with you.

I quote, "I love Liverpool. But you're my wife. What a twat."

Jengnr · 20/04/2014 08:51

The OP says the reason it has to be this weekend is that they don't have any free weekends for ages. Well this one isn't free either. It's just for something that doesn't mean anything to her so isn't important. That's not really on.

MrsMook · 20/04/2014 08:59

Unless he is the manager, player, physio, groundsman or someone else vital to the outcome of the game, he is being totally unreasonable failing to support the OP. Supporting your wife at a distressing time is part of the package of marriage. Suporting a football club is inconsequential as he has no effect on the outcome of the game.

PhoneSexWithMalcolmTucker · 20/04/2014 09:07

Lol at all the posters implying that YOU are being selfish for not arranging this difficult meeting around the vagaries of football. I understand the massive emotional investment that comes with fandom, having been out with a few football lovers, and I'm sure this situation is a real one-off. But the OP has also got a massive emotional investment, a lifetime investment if you like, in that HER DAD HAS DIED. I'm sure she didn't choose to be dealing with a traumatic death and a difficult relative; I'm sure she would also much rather be doing something else, but she is having to suck it up and so should he.

ButtonEggnoramus · 20/04/2014 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 09:34

Also pretty speechless here. At the very least he should accompany you to look after your dc.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 09:36

Can't honestly believe suggest you to rearrange around a football match....be it the most important one of life itself.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 09:48

OMG are you SERIOUS? He's putting a sodding football match before you and a clearly difficult event??? WTF???

The ONLY way that would be in any way acceptable is if he had never been to a match, it's been his lifelong dream and he's got the best ever tickets and gets to meet the team after and half a dozen other blokes are relying on him and he's got a hotel and everything and it's been planned for months. If it's a match on TV or a season ticket & he goes all the time then no. Hell no.

This kind of thing is why I'm single. I'm shocked he would even for a second think this was ok.

BeckAndCall · 20/04/2014 09:55

I honestly don't understand why most posters can't see the husbands point of view. Her dad died several months ago - has her DH not been there all of the weekends since then? And the date was arranged for a weekend that was not free in HIS diary.

Yes, I can't think of any more tragic circumstances in which to lose a parent but we are talking about not finding a weekend in months and months and now this one appears to be ' free'. Maybe he's missed every other match of the year this year to be with her.......

Perhaps he too is suffering some strain from supporting the OP through this horrible time - by being there for her for months and months so far and perhaps he deserves a metaphorical and physical break too?

ItsAFuckingVase · 20/04/2014 09:57

Ok, I understand that both events are important to you both for different reasons.

However, you've said that you don't have any free weekends for ages, so presumably you have things going on in your life that are more important than this meeting? Therefore, it's a tad unreasonable to be irked at your DH for being in the same situation.

My DH and I are both massive football fans. He supports Liverpool and I support a rival team. We've planned out the next few weeks to make sure we don't miss a match. I've declined a wedding invite to go to the match in 2 weeks because I could be watching my team clinch champions league football. My team were my first love, same for DH. It's not just a football match, it's potentially a piece of history. Recording the game never ever works either!!!

Agree that you should consult with somebody re their availability before committing to something and expecting them to be there. If I were you I'd try and change it. Sorry.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 10:14

It's football! A bunch of over paid pretty boys chasing a ball round a field and spitting while a load of yobs yell obscenities and get in fights. It's a game, a sport, it is nothing, completely inconsequential and pointless. Your wife and the incredibly traumatic death of her father is a totally different league! It's incredulous that he and others here think it is in any way comparable! In all honesty I'd dump him, I really would.

FryOneFatManic · 20/04/2014 10:14

OP, you have my utmost sympathy for the situation you're in; I'm sorry for your loss

However, if you arranged this meeting after your DH had got the tickets for the match, then actually your DH was NOT free that weekend. And in that case I would NOT describe him as a selfish twat.

Nennypops · 20/04/2014 10:16

I agree with Beckandcall and FuckingVase. I agree that if this was absolutely the ONLY time she could make the visit it would be unreasonable of dh to put the football first. She says she can't reschedule "as I've committed myself now" which suggests that there was a point before she committed herself when she did have a choice. How hard would it have been to have a quick word with dh and check whether he would be available? It sounds like she and dh have very busy lives, so surely that's a prerequisite.

OP has put prioritised other things over at least four months' worth of weekends before making this visit, and she says she doesn't have any more free weekends after this for ages - so again there is something else that she prioritises over the visit. I hate football, but even I can see that this is important to dh, and that you've had a choice of around 26 weekends to make this visit whereas there is no choice as to when the match takes place.

clary · 20/04/2014 10:20

"a load of yobs yell obscenities and get in fights" that kind of comment is irrelevant and actually untrue.

My DH as I say goes to the footy every week, he has never got into a fight and I doubt if he yells obscenities as he usually takes the DSs with him.

Sorry OP and I know you are not saying this but that kind of remark really annoys me.

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 10:20

He hasn't got tickets.
Dad died without a will and so his wife has been dealing with all the estate. For various reasons, we children do not inherit anything at this point (which is fine) but she is not happy for me to have any of his personal posessions until she dies which is, I hope, at least 30 years away. This is what we are meeting to discuss. She's hard to pin down so I had to take the first date she and I could both make, and as I was on the spot I couldn't check with dh before agreeing.

I could see her alone on another day but I wanted dh to be there for support.

OP posts:

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 10:23

If he's going to be that selfish I'd take a friend instead and reassess your relationship.

Only1scoop · 20/04/2014 10:26

Then although he is insensitive to have to be asked IMO. I would tell him just how important it is to you that he is there.

CinnabarRed · 20/04/2014 10:28

So it's Liverpool's first chance to win the league in 20 years?

Dependent on the next 4 games, or so?

Then this particular game is demonstrably not a once in a life time opportunity.

And that's leaving aside the fact that teams of that calibre tend to remain at that level for a period of at least a few years, so there may well be similar opportunities next year or the year after.

We don't know why the OP has to go this weekend. We don't know what is within her control and what isn't. But assuming she didn't blow off an alternative date then she is not being unreasonable.

Original poster

thesortingtwat · 20/04/2014 10:32

I haven't been putting it off, by the way, she only told me a few weeks ago that she was keeping all his stuff. (I only want a couple of momentos,mI'm not planning on turning up with a Pickfords van.)

OP posts:

Rhine · 20/04/2014 10:42

I appreciate this is a huge deal for Liverpool and their fans, however surely your DH has a smart phone like most people do they days and will be able to keep it with the score on there? My dad ( also a Liverpool fan funnily enough) has been known to get his IPhone out and watch football and other sporting events on that during all sorts of situations.

specialsubject · 20/04/2014 10:46

I will never understand the madness engendered by spectator sport. Not even playing, just sitting passively and watching.

RandomInternetStranger · 20/04/2014 10:46

I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that you won't get any momentos. My Nana died a couple of years ago and all I wanted was her manicure kit and a last walk around the house to collect some of my stuff that was there and say goodbye. I found out later, as did my mum, her only daughter, that my step grandfather hired a skip and git his sons to chuck everything in - her clothes, all photos, my baby photos, my daughter's baby photos, my mother's childhood belongings and photos, all her ornaments and bears, every personal item and special memory gone. It still rips my heart out now, and my mum. I have to remind myself that these things were not her, they were just things, and the memories are in my head and always will be. The pain my step grandfather caused was worse in the end than losing my Nana, there was a lot more he did, he was really fucking evil after she died, a real nasty, nasty piece of work and he needs to pray I never bump into him again, and I'll never forgive him, but I can't let that evil cunt (yes I said it) destroy my Nana's any more than he already has. Just prepare yourself. And if the meeting is at his old house use the loo and grab a little something she won't necessarily notice missing.

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