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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like crying after parents visit

135 replies

drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 20:23

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I really do feel close to tears over their visit and it is probably ridiculous.

My real mother died when I was very young and I have had three stepmothers: this latest one (sorry to put it like that!) is number three and they married when I was 27. I don't know her very well but she is pleasant enough.

I don't know where to start but on a two day visit they:

insisted on eating in McDonald's because they had vouchers they had "picked up off the floor" for Big Macs, meaning I had to sit there while they ate (I am vegetarian.)

went to a Harvester restaurant and STUFFED themselves - I mean, 3 big bowls of pasta, 2 rolls with butter each, massive bowls of pineapple and other fruit, PLUS a big lunch. No one could talk as they were just shoving food into themselves. It wasn't just the amount, it was the way my dad was shovelling huge forkfuls in his mouth and going, "Ooh! OOH!" in enjoyment Blush

went to Wetherspoons for a drink (they won't go anywhere else Hmm) and my dad loaded up his bum-bag with ketchup, sugar, pots of milk and so on. (They own a barge and apparently these "come in useful")

Read every single road sign out loud to me for no discernible reason Confused - I literally had to put up with "Name Of Village!" Read aloud and then they would look at me questioningly as if I was supposed to say something?

Described the holidays they had taken, the books they had read and the films they had watched in such mind-numbing detail, I wanted to scream.

It probably sounds like nothing but I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home. And that's awful as one day he won't be here, but honestly, it was miserable. Has anybody ever had anything like this with their parent(s)?

OP posts:
Gruffalump · 17/04/2014 20:33

You're right, it doesn't sound that bad. However, that doesn't negate your feelings about them.

Maybe change your visits to shorter 'popping in' type events?

indigo18 · 17/04/2014 20:41

His bum-bag!!! YADNBU

tripecity · 17/04/2014 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 17/04/2014 20:44

Bahahaha bum bag Grin

FreakinScaryCaaw · 17/04/2014 20:44

Sorry to hear this. Had your dad changed dramatically? Or have you just noticed?

NickNackNooToYou · 17/04/2014 20:45

Bum bag? Do people still use these?

Flowers for you, OP as I have no words of wisdom Sad

Pagwatch · 17/04/2014 20:46

Oh you poor thing.
It's the difference between how a visit should be in your head and how it actually is in real life.
They do both sound quite odd in their ways.
I think if it were possible to laugh about it, that would help.
At every single age our parents are capable of embarrassing us.
My mum talks to everyone she meets and is incredibly boastful about me - in front of me. Hideous
'Oh and my dd pagwatch is just back from x holiday and she is buying me lunch at x and she lives in this house ...etc etc

FreakinScaryCaaw · 17/04/2014 20:47

NickNack I thought of Rio2 as well, went to see it in 3D yesterday Grin

wolfwhistler · 17/04/2014 20:48

I feel sorry for them, what a miserable cats bum daughter they have to endure

Northernlurker · 17/04/2014 20:49

Well it doesn't sound too awful. Clearly they are quite set in their ways and enjoy eating in certain places etc but tbh we're all a bit like that aren't we? it's just a problem when your ways clash with somebody elses.
So they bored you by talking about their books etc - that's family unfortunately. Can't always be fascinating. That's why we have friends as well as family Grin

fluffyraggies · 17/04/2014 20:51

It's sad and difficult when you find your parents really annoying. I'm growing further and further apart from my mother, socially, with every passing year.

Shorter visits and knowing what to expect (mentally brace yourself) is the key.

ICanSeeTheSun · 17/04/2014 20:53

Couldn't you had a Spicy Veggie Wrap in McDonald.

weatherall · 17/04/2014 20:55

2 days is probably too much time in one go.

Can you just see them in small doses?

I couldn't take either of my parents for two days straight!

pictish · 17/04/2014 20:56

Oh OP this sounds the closest description to anyone's of what my dad and his wife are like. My dad is noisy, bizarre, goes into unneccessary loud details about holidays, films, tv programmes etc....
He drinks faaaar too much.
The rumbling growling noise he makes while he eats! What the very fuck? His wife pays no heed...must be used to it...the rest of the restaurant is going Shock, including me!

I sympathise.

YouPutYourRightArmIn · 17/04/2014 20:56

I feel for you. It's horrid when you realise there are parts if your parent(s) you just don't like. It musters up all sorts of confusing feelings (in my experience anyway) and is hard not to get sad/frustrated/cross.

I also think its mother nature's way of helping us detach from them as time goes on.

Must be even harder for you when your DF's wife isn't even someone you know very well as I'd imagine that makes your DF's life fairly unfamiliar to you. Again, confusing as we're supposed to feel connected to these people.

How often do you see them op?

JimBobplusasprog · 17/04/2014 20:57

You could have shown willing in McDonald's. They do have vegetarian options.

PinkyHasNoEars · 17/04/2014 20:57

Not the most useful (or kind) comment I've ever read wolfwhistler. Why the sniping?

fluffyraggies · 17/04/2014 21:07

pictish Grin

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 21:29

The McDonald's thing wasn't me being awkward - they "wouldn't let me" (ridiculous I know, but it would have turned into a row then a sulk!) if I'd paid full price for a meal! They had vouchers but only for a Big Mac - which obviously, being veggie, I can't eat.

It isn't that they've done anything particularly terrible. My upset is more at me - for finding them so difficult, for not having anything in common with them, and above all for feeling relief when they leave. It makes me feel terrible about myself. It's the fact we have absolutely nothing in common and the fact I find myself happy, smiley, cheery when in the company of friends and colleagues yet with my own family I feel edgy and irritable all of the time.

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 17/04/2014 21:32

I know this isn't exactly the topic at hand but how's your relationship with food? A lot of your post seems to be about it. It reads as slightly odd that you observed what they ate so closely and were annoyed but it.

The McDonalds event was completely avoidable. It wouldn't have been unreasonable to say that you don't enjoy food from there so you would go and get something else and then meet back.

It's probably best to not sit through a situation that's avoidable and then be annoyed about it afterwards. I've done it myself and then realised after that I'm as annoyed at myself for sitting through it unnecessarily.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish time but don't feel guilty. You really can't pick your family and just because you are related it doesn't mean your personalities will gel and you will be the best of friends.

Maybe adjust your thinking and don't expect the same enjoyable experience that you would get with friends and just try and enjoy them for what they are.
Sitting through boring stories really is what family is all about! I can completely relate.

I know it's sad when you realise that you just don't connect with a parent but I assure you, you aren't alone!

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 21:41

CarryOn - no issues around food on my part, but we did little else to tell you the truth! It's so hard finding something to do with them as all they really do as hobbies is walking and eating!

The McDonald's wasn't really avoidable, as I explained in my opening post, they insisted on eating there due to the fact they had vouchers they had found.

My dad has been retired a long, long time: he fathered me pretty late in life for those days (he was 38) and my mother died when I was nine. He took early retirement at 53. Food is a sort of hobby: not in the sense he enjoys gourmet cooking - as evidenced by the McDonald's, he doesn't! - but for example, he goes out picking fruit which is in season but will take way, way more than needed, then make jam - the house is filled with every type of conserve imaginable. He steals condiments whenever he has an opportunity and if there is an all you can eat buffet he really will eat to bursting point - and in restaurants and at home if anyone ever leaves anything on their plate he will just reach across and start piling it on his plate.

I suspect he possibly has some issues around food: perhaps because he was born in 1945, when rationing still existed - I don't know, though.

Anyway as I've said, it's my guilt and upset for not liking spending time with him that I suppose upset me. I spent years desperate for his company and it's strange adjusting my mind to no longer wanting it.

OP posts:
cafecito · 17/04/2014 21:42

I also noticed your focus on food, it's not normal - I wouldn't even clock what someone was eating (except however my own mother and stepfather who drive me mad - but then, I was anorexic for years) it was just another highly irritating thing - but maybe rather than a relationship with food being an issue , it is more a sign of your general irritation and dislike of them as people (like, the colleague with the noisy sandwich at the desk, who you also don't like because they are mouthy rude and inept?)

I think you sound like you just don't like them - and don't have a strong connection to your family as a result because you are so different. I also think you sound angry with your dad?

WipsGlitter · 17/04/2014 21:45

It's ok. I feel edgy round my mum. She can't stand silence so witters on meanwhile I'm clenching my teeth.

Could you see your dad on his own and maybe focus on building a relationship with him?

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 21:46

I don't think I'm angry; I'm frustrated, by the fact that I do love my dad and he is quite literally my only surviving relative, and yet I find his visits so difficult.

As I've said, the food thing is because the day is literally - food, walk, food, steal food, food, walk, food. I don't think that's just my dad - it's that no one knows what else to do Blush which is awful, but it's incredibly hard finding things to do with them as their only hobby really is going for walks!

OP posts:
Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 21:47

Wips - thank you :) I don't think he'd go anywhere without his wife but in any case, it would probably make it worse as the we'd have even less to talk about ,

At least this way they can talk to each other! Grin

OP posts: