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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel like crying after parents visit

135 replies

drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 20:23

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I really do feel close to tears over their visit and it is probably ridiculous.

My real mother died when I was very young and I have had three stepmothers: this latest one (sorry to put it like that!) is number three and they married when I was 27. I don't know her very well but she is pleasant enough.

I don't know where to start but on a two day visit they:

insisted on eating in McDonald's because they had vouchers they had "picked up off the floor" for Big Macs, meaning I had to sit there while they ate (I am vegetarian.)

went to a Harvester restaurant and STUFFED themselves - I mean, 3 big bowls of pasta, 2 rolls with butter each, massive bowls of pineapple and other fruit, PLUS a big lunch. No one could talk as they were just shoving food into themselves. It wasn't just the amount, it was the way my dad was shovelling huge forkfuls in his mouth and going, "Ooh! OOH!" in enjoyment Blush

went to Wetherspoons for a drink (they won't go anywhere else Hmm) and my dad loaded up his bum-bag with ketchup, sugar, pots of milk and so on. (They own a barge and apparently these "come in useful")

Read every single road sign out loud to me for no discernible reason Confused - I literally had to put up with "Name Of Village!" Read aloud and then they would look at me questioningly as if I was supposed to say something?

Described the holidays they had taken, the books they had read and the films they had watched in such mind-numbing detail, I wanted to scream.

It probably sounds like nothing but I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home. And that's awful as one day he won't be here, but honestly, it was miserable. Has anybody ever had anything like this with their parent(s)?

OP posts:
Aventurine · 17/04/2014 22:44

They do sound a bit irritating. Would they be interested in doing something like visiting a museum, or a stately home or something when with you? Might it help if they had something interesting to focus on, other than reading out road signs, nicking pots of milk and shovelling food in? Grin

HowLongTillBedtime · 17/04/2014 22:46

Is it that in your head you imagine the family you could be enjoying but you are stuck with this one and it all feels a bit shit in comparison to what should be here ?

I know people can feel like this even without all the awful bereavements you have endured .

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 22:46

Mm yeah tried the museum thing today! They walked around reading everything out loud to me Very Loudly. Apparently, I can't read Hmm!

OP posts:
Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 22:47

To an extent How, yes.

I think it's more that (morbid as it sounds) when he does die, I'll feel so terrible at feeling irritated by him, but I can't help the feelings of irritation.

OP posts:
HowLongTillBedtime · 17/04/2014 22:51

I think to some extent that is bound to happen to most of us . I am irritated on a daily basis by my children in some way or another but because my first son died I feel like I should always be delighted to have them with me . completely unrealistic but the guilt is real .

Probably off the mark , but its a thought maybe .

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 22:52

So sorry to hear about your son Flowers x

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 17/04/2014 22:52

oh heck. ex has not yet mastered the art of reading to himself. i tell him that dd could manage it when she was four! drives me batty. it is acceptable when it is stilted learner reading...

it is not that they have done anything particularly bad, just the whole drip drip water torture thing.

the food thing would drive me batty as well.

HowLongTillBedtime · 17/04/2014 22:55

Thanks driven .

CheeryName · 17/04/2014 23:01

Next time they visit, you NEED to have a friend staying too, I'm sure it will help. I have an arrangement with a couple of friends that I will be a guest when they are having people round that they struggle with!

Does stepmother have children?

Also, have you thought about tracing your family tree - you do have other relatives and just knowing they exist will take the pressure off your dad being the only relative, and so will instantly be less of a disappointment/challenge.

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 23:04

She does have children but their home (when they aren't on the boat) is near her children - if that makes sense, so they see her two daughters more often than me and have more of a relationship with them, I suppose.

Plus, both daughters are married and one has two sons. So my stepmother and dad often babysit the boys.

OP posts:
CheeryName · 17/04/2014 23:09

Aha! Go and help with the boys, you can be cool aunty and then when they read things Out Loud, it will be not as irritating as small children are there. Who can't actually read. I presume.

Original poster
drivenmadbyparents · 17/04/2014 23:11

I've never met either of them, or the boys! My dad is nothing if not fixed in his ways - he comes here, I don't go there, and he doesn't combine his children with his wives either. I have had a total of five step siblings and only met one of them and that was briefly.

'tis just how it goes.

OP posts:
CheeryName · 17/04/2014 23:18

Flipping heck! I'm sorry driven but who does your dad think he is, excluding you?! I'm so cross for you. He sounds really selfish. You deserve better.

juneybean · 17/04/2014 23:32

Completely off topic and I haven't checked in a few years but in 2011 the vegetarian options were not actually suitable for a vegetarian...

MidniteScribbler · 17/04/2014 23:36

I wonder if they are picking up you and are talking to try and fill the silence? Why not try actually engaging with them in conversation? If they read a road sign, then talk about the town, if they talk about a book or movie then actually discuss it with them. It may not be the most scintillating conversation to you, but it's obviously something they are interested in.

AveryJessup · 17/04/2014 23:43

I KNOW he won't be around forever, and yet it's as if I've already lost him, as I've never really known him or him me.

Yup, that's exactly how I feel. My father had a health scare a couple of years ago and ended up in ICU (made a full recovery in the end, miraculously) and the sadness and shock I felt was doubled by the sense that I had already lost him in some way before it happened anyway.

It's a kind of guilt hanging over you, isn't it? The sense that they are getting on in years and nobody's perfect after all so you should be kind to them. And yet... Christ they can be so damn set in their ways and irritating...!

Noappointmentnecessary · 17/04/2014 23:53

I'm sorry, but your post has actually made me lol. They sound like a comedy act. Lol

kickassangel · 18/04/2014 00:07

I have a similar relationship with my parents and it really upsets me.

They seem to have this idea that they have to be my parents they cannot just accept me as an adult and let me be the person I am. In a million small annoying ways they manage to treat me as somehow lesser than them and make me feel like I am constantly on edge. They would not behave or talk like this with their friends and in fact when in a larger group I find them quite easy to chat to, but when we are in our own they just dump their internal monologue on me with me consideration for the normal rules of turn taking, and expect me to fit in with their plans and their way of doing things

One stupid example is that I don't like breakfast too early nod neve have, but they have their tea in bed, the table laid and sit down to a full meal by 8 am. As I live in the US I do not rush to get up when I am staying with them as often I don't get to sleep until 4 or 5 am. Either they lay a place for me then comment on it being a waste, or they don't but still comment on how I don't get up for breakfast. FFS after a red eye flight and a 5 hour time change I think sleeping until 9 then having a gentle start to the day is OK. But they somehow always make a thing of it. They would be far more considerate to any friends who stayed with them but for me it's OK to make comments and be a bit snide. They just can't let go of trying to make me get up early and fit in with the rules and that makes being with them so hard.

JessieMcJessie · 18/04/2014 01:29

OP, you have only met one of five step-siblings, once? So neither you nor they were invited to any of your Dad's weddings?

I used to feel a bit similar about my Mum- she developed a habit of talking with her mouth full, even though she brought my brother and me up never ever to do that. It was like she couldn't bear to stop talking for even 1 mouthful. I got to the point where it was all I could focus on. Like you, I hated myself for being grumpy and short tempered with her when I knew I would never treat a friend in that way, but I just got into default mode of being like that. Even when she was diagnosed with cancer I got stroppy with her for not, in my view, listening properly to the doctors. I could literally hear myself talking and knew it was wrong and unkind but could not stop. Despite being a grown woman I always reverted to sullen teenager mode. We did have our good moments though, when we found a common interest (usually just a TV programme we both liked or something), and she could be very very funny, but now that she's gone I wish that I had more happy memories of our time together as adults.

You say your Dad and his wife like walking, as if that's a terrible thing. It's a pretty common hobby though, and presumably stops them from getting too fat from the over eating (or maybe works up big appetites?). Maybe you could organise a proper big walk/hike with them, take a picnic and throw yourself into it a bit more?

Suzannewithaplan · 18/04/2014 01:46

I have little in common with my dad and find conversation with him a bit of a strain.
I dont really think too much of it, suspect that quite often parents feel they know their offspring in very well but to the child it feels quite different, children transcend their parents, they leave them behind.

No doubt my own kids will soon be just humouring me, if they don't already!

Monty27 · 18/04/2014 02:45

Dear lord (or whoever). However, I've no judgey hat on. I wouldn't feel comfortable with people like that around me tbh.

But mostly I am posting to say, I'm so sorry you lost you're mother. Flowers

CountBapula · 18/04/2014 03:18

'I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home.'

OP I so relate to your post and this thread in general. My mum came to visit this week to help out with my new DS2 and drove me absolutely nuts the whole time. (One of the worst things was constantly calling me 'Mummy' - as in, 'I think we need a nappy change, Mummy' Angry )Every time I see or speak to her I can't wait for it to end. She does the reading out thing, too Hmm

I do have underlying issues with her, admittedly - my parents divorced when I was a teenager and she has always been horribly bitter about it - never missing the opportunity to badmouth my dad (including when he was in hospital recently after suffering cardiac arrest Angry). This has made life very difficult and sad, particularly on occasions like my wedding when I couldn't have my parents together at the same table because they despise each other so much :( She has also been horribly overbearing after the births of both DSes.

Both parents have remarried, both to people I wouldn't have chosen for them, which makes spending time with either of them uncomfortable. My dad is more engaging and easier to spend time with (though he's also done a lot of hurtful things over the years) but even he and my stepmum do things like interupting me mid-sentence to point out a lesser-spotted marsh warbler in a nearby tree Hmm

I get so sad about what my relationship with my parents has become and feel guilty for the way I act around my mother in particular (I turn into a stroppy teenager) but I just can't help it :(

So no advice, but YANBU (or if YABU, so am I!).

technosausage · 18/04/2014 03:27

My nan used to make me fill up my handbag with condiments for her. I miss it now.
My dp also reads out road signs... Makes me want to hit him :)

emmytheflat · 18/04/2014 04:07

YADNBU OP.

My experience is people who are this way (they might self-describe as "honest and blunt" or "eccentric" or "that's just the way I am, lovable and zany". And you get all the old lines about "teenagers being ashamed of their parents" blah blah blah) tend to be just...narcissistic?

I don't accept that bad social skills are just something one settles for as one gets older - that's actually insulting to all the older people who are capable of being sensitive, or at least "conventionally articulate and pleasant".

YOUR social needs aren't featuring in your dads emotional landscape: its all the "him" show. This type often gets a kick out of bad/odd manners, calling attention to themselves, and then forcing their companions into HAVING to cover up for them or pretending to be "in on the joke".

rollickingstone · 18/04/2014 04:39

YANBU

The "disengaged with life" thing struck me?

An old boss went from woman to woman and was very compartmentalized with his kids, new wives, etc.

I think there was a reason for this?

Job aside, he never was capable of making a proper, adult, dignified identity for himself and seemed to get weirder and weirder as the years went on. He sort of tried to re-invent himself, but just seemed to be losing touch with the real world as he went along - if one woman thought he was weird, he'd get another one, and so on, and so on.

Some of his mannerisms reminded me of your descriptions: he couldn't interact AS an adult TO adults. So at work do's he'd shout BOO at waitresses. Or he'd be very inappropriate with staff: he'd go round and ask if we wanted presents and favours rather than things like payrises and a professional working culture He'd describe himself as "a big kid". And indeed he seemed like a man stuck in time.

He was also VERY generous from time to time - he'd do things like pay our factory workers cash bonuses out of his own pocket, or give extravagant gifts to people. But unfortunately it wasn't really that well received: it was more "grand gestures of largesse" than anything sincere and well thought out. Sometimes it would creep the receiver out; often it would put him in financial/practical difficulties.

No friends - either he'd latch onto the latest (young) female receptionist and do lots of favours for her, or he'd obsess over his latest partner.

He's single now, and I hear he is "ok, I'm going to get myself a Chinese/Thai wife" now he's too weird for most UK women.

I'm sorry OP, I think you may have the grieve for the man your father ISN'T - perhaps you have some idealised vision of him through all the non contact - and find a low key way of dealing with him from now on.

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