to feel like crying after parents visit

[drivenmadbyparents]

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I really do feel close to tears over their visit and it is probably ridiculous.

My real mother died when I was very young and I have had three stepmothers: this latest one (sorry to put it like that!) is number three and they married when I was 27. I don't know her very well but she is pleasant enough.

I don't know where to start but on a two day visit they:

insisted on eating in McDonald's because they had vouchers they had "picked up off the floor" for Big Macs, meaning I had to sit there while they ate (I am vegetarian.)

went to a Harvester restaurant and STUFFED themselves - I mean, 3 big bowls of pasta, 2 rolls with butter each, massive bowls of pineapple and other fruit, PLUS a big lunch. No one could talk as they were just shoving food into themselves. It wasn't just the amount, it was the way my dad was shovelling huge forkfuls in his mouth and going, "Ooh! OOH!" in enjoyment

went to Wetherspoons for a drink (they won't go anywhere else ) and my dad loaded up his bum-bag with ketchup, sugar, pots of milk and so on. (They own a barge and apparently these "come in useful")

Read every single road sign out loud to me for no discernible reason - I literally had to put up with "Name Of Village!" Read aloud and then they would look at me questioningly as if I was supposed to say something?

Described the holidays they had taken, the books they had read and the films they had watched in such mind-numbing detail, I wanted to scream.

It probably sounds like nothing but I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home. And that's awful as one day he won't be here, but honestly, it was miserable. Has anybody ever had anything like this with their parent(s)?

sorry, x posts OP

Ookay well maybe you are feeling frustrated? I've known people who steal condiments from wetherspoons, for no apparent logical reason - I have also felt immense anger and frustration at said person who was very capable but lost his job, then was totally content with pootling about in wetherspoons etc - they need something to fill the time with and it can be intensely frustrating when it seems to lack merit, but these are choices that are made by them rather than anything you can change. is money an issue? is alcohol an issue? wetherspoons is cheap and often people meet friends there in the day.

My relationship with my parents is a little like this. They only like to eat at certain restaurants and they do that same thing of sitting in the car and reading out signs they see along the way . Their visits tend to drag on and put DH and I under a lot of pressure. We would try and think of fun things for them to do e.g. my father is into a certain sport and plays it regularly so we took him to a famous location for it but he didn't seem impressed. In general they seem very disengaged with life and are therefore hard to talk to.

It's like they don't know who I am as a person and don't care to get to know me either. I deal with it now by just not having any expectations at all and treating them as if they're my grandparents so the relationship is at a remove to me. Nobody gets upset if their elderly grandparents come to visit and are eccentric and fussy about what they eat and difficult to manage so I have just mentally tricked myself into treating my parents like my grandparents and not having any expectations of them.

I still do get sad sometimes though when friends talk about being supported through a difficult experience by their parents or whatever. That's just not something I'll have in life. I try to remind myself that I'm not the only person in the world like this and many people are estranged from their parents due to all kinds of reasons.

x posts again..

sorry! right - a structured activity is required (if you want to see him again) preferably on his own, I think you would be less frustrated/irritated - somrthing active, or involved, away from regular routine establishments.. I don't know what could work, but for me maybe an air show? or a sailing lesson? a show?or a walk somewhere totally unusual

Could you book tickets for the theatre or cinema?

No, he's pretty well off. He was a deputy headteacher and although he has been retired for years, the mortgage was paid off when my mother died and plus he gets his teachers pension.

He just does things like this. My second stepmother had a son who had a wood burner in his house, and she mentioned that "if" my dad came across any logs then her DS would find them useful. My dad then inundated the poor boy with logs to the point where they were pleading with him to stop! He didn't, though

There's no logical reason why he does half the things he does, just fills the days.

I did that last time, Wips - will have to try it again. Problem is, they suck air in over their teeth at the cost and it would have to be the theatre as they see most things at the cinema on pensioners day!

Avery "they seem very disengaged with life"

In many ways, I think this sums them both up but more so my dad. He has lost contact with most friends and while some have remained loyal contact is rarely instigated by him. He latches himself onto people, is incredibly sociable but has no really meaningful relationships - his second wife, my first stepmother, lived elsewhere and he moved to be with her, made friends there and then moved back some six years later.

It's odd.

Oh DMBP, I read your opening post with a dry smile and a heavy heart. You could have been writing about my dad - the only difference was my mum and dad were married up until the day he died last June (40 plus years married). TBH my dad was the stingiest man with money and food and - despite always being wealthy - he lived like a pauper. Yes, he would pick up vouchers from the floor and use them. Yes, he would NEVER drink anywhere apart from Wetherspoons and he would only eat out if it was a discount meal. If I wanted to treat them it had to be the Harvester because he always choose that and TBH a meal in any other restaurant would be ruined because he would query the price about everything. I spent my entire life being ashamed of him, his behaviour and what 'other people' thought.

Then completely out of the blue he felt a little unwell, was diagnosed with bowel cancer in April 2013 and died in June 2013. OMG what a horrendous, horrific shock - and so unexpected because really I had spent so long being embarrased by him that I really didn't think it would hurt me so much when he left. But it did, and I am still devastated that he is gone.

Edgy, irritable, judgemental, afraid of what other might think - that was me 100%. Yes, I probably did have a face like a cats bum (to quote another poster) whenever I was with him. Now that he has gone I just want him back - I'd help him hide him a thousand packets of free ketchup from Wetherspoons, I'd scour the streets helping him find free vouchers. I would give anything just to have him back for an hour having spent 40 years embarrased by him.

He is your dad. When he is gone you will miss his quirks so desperately so please just enjoy your time with him. I know that that is easy to say and difficult to do. I never managed it and now it's too late for me.

Oh drivenmad, I really feel for you. Your mum died when you were 9, and over the next 18 years your dad married 3 different women?

My mum died when I was 3 and I am v lucky to have had a wonderful stepmother from when I was 5. Still hard to be without my real mum. I just can't imagine having a succession of stepmums coming and going. I would be fuming with my father I think.

Can you arrange to see him on his own? Might be different that way.

Pootle, I'm so sorry about your dad

I'm not sure they are quite the same though: I don't feel embarrassed, exactly, by my dad - he is very sociable, affable and friendly most of the time to others, although to shop workers and waiters, especially men, he can be abrasive and rude.

It's more than I am treated as a silly ten year old (case in point, I was asked 'do you want a wee?' as we went past a public loo) - I realise we are always children in their eyes but honestly! - and that there is absolutely nothing we can enjoy doing together. Conversation is out - I was actually starting to get vaguely interested talking to my stepmother about our town in the 80s and my dad interrupted by shouting 'Ooh! OOOH!' in a tone of such distress it was like a real tragedy had happened. The issue was that the wheelie bin hadn't at that point been emptied (a long, long conversation about wheelie bin colours, where the wheelie bins should be out to be emptied and the time they were usually emptied had already taken place.) Her attention was thus diverted, a long debate about when rubbish was collected ensued and - well,that was that really.

Cheery so sorry about your mum too

I have seen him alone - in all honesty it's even worse, and since I can't stay there my only opportunities to get to know my stepmother are when she comes to stay with my dad. Drives me mad, though! As you can tell!

Oh pootle a lovely yet very sad post, and so true.

Oh op I don't think it sounds not that bad! It sounds draining and awful and it would drive me mad too. My grandparents were always like this when I was small - only interested in doing their own thing, disengaged, negative - and my mum is like it now. I find being with her (though less so her husband who is more ok) just maddening and exhausting because you are just desperate to fill the time and she constantly just reads out road signs and talks endless boring wibble about people she knows and I don't. She also steals sugar and milk sachets etc and is incredibly proud of this. It's fucking stealing and it makes me so annoyed because she's a moralistic old cow in quite a few ways.

She has never been a good mum though and dp has pointed out that I'm pretty angry with her even without all this. Could that apply to you?

Playing rellie "bingo" can help where you count up how many times they do or say various annoying things and award yourself points, just to distract yourself.

So he makes jam, talks about films and books and walks?

I know that these are only two of the many issues you mention, but I'm a bit that you consider these to be negatives. Obviously it was bad for you, but it doesn't sound that dreadful to be honest. Especially considering some of the terrible stories you hear on mn.

Sorry that sounded a bit dismissive. I suppose it's difficult to convey the frustration that some family relationships can cause. You probably had to be there.

Lady - thank you :)

I think I certainly have felt let down by him: I won't go into it all here, but he has behaved very selfishly in the past. I had a brother, who subsequently became very unwell and providing support for him, as well as for my dad when his second marriage ended in a very acrimonious divorce, fell on my shoulders. Somehow, after that, being treated like a naughty six year old is all the more galling.

Maybe you could ring them regularly - say, weekly - & just ask them what they've been up to, and build a relationship by telephone contact rather than actually seeing them a lot?

Fireside, as I've explained, it certainly isn't that there is a problem with him making jam, talking about films or enjoying walking.

The issue is the extent of these things - someone enjoying making jam is normal. Someone who goes into other peoples gardens to steal fruit to make jam when they have several jars in a cupboard already - that isn't so normal! Talking about films is fine but when someone takes 40 minutes without taking a breath to relay the plot with no mind of their audience ("And THEN, since Caesar was assassinated ..." I have a degree in Ancient History!) it quickly becomes tedious. Similarly, with the walks - they become strained as quite honestly, what can we talk about?

At any rate, you're probably right and it isn't they bad. It isn't, I acknowledge that. I'm not angry with my dad, as I have explained - I'm upset. He is my only relative and yet we have nothing in common, I find his company difficult and that saddens me greatly.

Thank you DMBP :-) Having read through the other posts that were presented whilst I typed it sounds like you dad is 100% replica of mine (and if so then no you do NOT have food issues apart from the embarrassment of returning approx 7 plates of scraps from your dad who just ate and ate and ate and ate because it was free). Yes, despite being 40 years old when he died - every public toilet he passed he would have to ask in a raised voice "There's a toilet do you need a wee or a rudey pudey" - all my children would answer and then he'd shout a bit louder just to check that I knew. OMG I used to be so embarrassed by him. OMG - YES, he was the most sociable man on the planet - all chatting and smiles and best behaviour but he would never buy a drink for anybody.

My dad, spent 40 years being so ashamed and embarrased by him but would give anything just to be with him again. Life is strange.

Miranda unfortunately I can't really do that as they spend most of their time on the boat and they don't switch their mobile on (yes, they share it!) I do get weekly phone calls which are like a round robin ('and then we went to such-a-place and stepmother twisted her ankle and then we had ham butties on the side and THEN we got the bus into such-a-place but it was a bit chilly and we came back and THEN ...')

As you can see, it isn't easy!

putyourrightarmin

"I also think its mother nature's way of helping us detach from them as time goes on"

This made me a bit tearful, you are completely on the money...love my DM to bits but seeing her today and realising she's changed so much... :(

Pootie oh dear! :) Feel for you on the 'rudey dudey' thing - at least it was aimed at your DCs (I assume!) not you!

I do realise more than most he won't always be around. I've only just entered my thirties and have lost all four grandparents, my mother and brother - I'm not a stranger to bereavement and loss. But this is what breaks my heart: I KNOW he won't be around forever, and yet it's as if I've already lost him, as I've never really known him or him me.

I think I get how you feel. My parents and I are not compatible conversation wise. I really struggle to be around them for very long and they are absolutely exhausting. DP and I were home last weekend and I ended up calling him from a friends house to come get me as I just couldn't stand it any more.

I then end up really upset because I want to enjoy being with my parents, but in all honesty I hate it. I spent four hours with them on Saturday in almost complete silence apart from the TV being on. Every time I tried to start a conversation it was killed in minutes. Then we ran out of things to talk about. My Dad was in his own world playing with his new phone whilst on the PC and Mum was doing her needlework and occasionally trying to talk about people I don't know at a sports club I left 6 years ago that she is still a member of.

I think a lot of people just don't get how upsetting it is to have parents who you don't feel connected to, and there isn't much you can do to make that connection.

Do you have a DP? Mine is good at getting conversations back onto track if someone is dismissive of me, eg would have said 'ANYWAY now we we've sorted the (interuption) question - stepmil you were saying to driven about the town in the old days - do you remember the cinema' or whatever.

Sounds like a really tricky dynamic and I think a DP, or a good friend, or DC, could help make it more bearable?

No, no partner sadly: in a strange way I think that would help elevate me (in their eyes) to 'adulthood', although it shouldn't really make a difference of course.

Confused - I can identify with all that