to feel like crying after parents visit

[drivenmadbyparents]

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I really do feel close to tears over their visit and it is probably ridiculous.

My real mother died when I was very young and I have had three stepmothers: this latest one (sorry to put it like that!) is number three and they married when I was 27. I don't know her very well but she is pleasant enough.

I don't know where to start but on a two day visit they:

insisted on eating in McDonald's because they had vouchers they had "picked up off the floor" for Big Macs, meaning I had to sit there while they ate (I am vegetarian.)

went to a Harvester restaurant and STUFFED themselves - I mean, 3 big bowls of pasta, 2 rolls with butter each, massive bowls of pineapple and other fruit, PLUS a big lunch. No one could talk as they were just shoving food into themselves. It wasn't just the amount, it was the way my dad was shovelling huge forkfuls in his mouth and going, "Ooh! OOH!" in enjoyment

went to Wetherspoons for a drink (they won't go anywhere else ) and my dad loaded up his bum-bag with ketchup, sugar, pots of milk and so on. (They own a barge and apparently these "come in useful")

Read every single road sign out loud to me for no discernible reason - I literally had to put up with "Name Of Village!" Read aloud and then they would look at me questioningly as if I was supposed to say something?

Described the holidays they had taken, the books they had read and the films they had watched in such mind-numbing detail, I wanted to scream.

It probably sounds like nothing but I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home. And that's awful as one day he won't be here, but honestly, it was miserable. Has anybody ever had anything like this with their parent(s)?

But in your OP it really just seems like a gripe about McDonald's, how they eat and their conversation so surely you must understand how that sounds to those of us who have lost their parents?

Your subsequent posts explain that its about much, much more than that and your situation sounds very difficult and I do sympathise.

But in your OP it really just seems like a gripe about McDonald's, how they eat and their conversation so surely you must understand how that sounds to those of us who have lost their parents?

Your subsequent posts explain that its about much, much more than that and your situation sounds very difficult and I do sympathise.

But in your OP it really just seems like a gripe about McDonald's, how they eat and their conversation so surely you must understand how that sounds to those of us who have lost their parents?

Your subsequent posts explain that its about much, much more than that and your situation sounds very difficult and I do sympathise.

I think its a bit unfair to have a go at the OP for her feelings. Families do wind each other up. Its Ok to have a gripe about them, I think. It doesnt mean you dont love them or wont miss them when they are gone.

"Those of us who have lost their parents"

As I explain in my opening post, I lost mine, too.

My dad had left within the hour at that point and I was upset, frustrated and angry - with myself.

I don't know if it is fairly recently that you lost your parents: it is absolutely futile going down the road of "well even if your parent is XYZ, your situation is better than mine because ..." I lost my mum before I'd even started secondary school and I don't miss her because I can barely remember her. She feels like a dream I had once, like the tooth fairy or Father Christmas, just a completely alien concept. Awful, but true. Is that better or worse than somebody with memories that comfort them but also haunt them? I've no idea at all.

Even if my initial post was just about McDonald's and the like, it would hardly have been put up with the sole intention of causing distress to those who had lost their parents - given the wide age range on here I would expect many of you have.

The point was that I am frustrated and saddened by the fact I have little in common with my dad and this distresses me as I have no other surviving relatives, to be perfectly honest why that distresses those with no parents I don't really know, and while I obviously regret it if my post has caused people some distress I would politely suggest that my post is not really the cause of this distress so it isn't really fitting to reprimand me about it.

I have therefore concluded I'm not BU :) but that I do need to take control of my dad's visits or I risk becoming so in future.

Thank you again x

It doesn't mater if it's about macdonalds, harvester, road signs or whatever - obviously these things are trivialities in themselves.

I think what is so hard is having a relationship where you don't matter at all, but you have to keep having it out of duty and because it's family and you do care, but you get nothing back. My relationship with my mum is entirely about meeting her needs, listening to her bore on, trying to look interested, having to cater to what she wants, and all with a backdrop of her having treated me quite badly in the past. She knows nothing about me. Despite me standing in front of her she has no idea what clothes etc I like. Takes no interest in my (really quite interesting, at least to other people) career. Does not know or care that being with her is hard work for these reasons.

It's not a relationship, it's just a draining, exhausting emotional black hole. The particular details aren't the issue.

I think OP's description of how she couldn't eat at macdonalds because it wouldn't be on the voucher and they wouldn't stand for it and she just couldn't face the fallout - says it all. They can't even comprehend that she might want to eat something and that that might matter more than their voucher fussing.

I lost my father. I am still occasionally frustrated with my mother.
I have lost a sister. I still can find my other sister irritating.
There are people on here who have dealt with the unimaginable sorry of losing a child. Is every 'my toddler is driving me nuts' thread invalid, or to be greeted with 'but at least have your child'?

The 'but at least you have your parent' is ridiculous. And very unpleasant.

sorrow

TartanRug I have lost both my parents, my Mum less than a year ago. I was in no way offended by the OP or feel that the issues she identified are trivial. Quite the opposite; I identify strongly with her (as my fuller post earlier in this thread explains). So please don't make comments on my behalf just because we have both suffered the same losses.

OP, I don't think your reaction is to do with McDonalds, but that you still cling to the hope that - despite having been very badly let down by your father in the past - it will all come good and you can finally be the happy family which you rightly expected to have as a child. Each time they come you are expecting more and each time they leave, you are disappointed.

Have you ever had a 'heart to heart' with your father - about his motives for behaving as he did, and the effect it had on you? I don't know you but, reading between the lies, I don't think you can move on to have the sort of relationship you want or even if it is possible, until you can come to terms with these unresolved issues. Do you think he loves you? Do you love him?

I was not offended in any way by your posts. I can see you have been and continue to be caused pain by your father.