to feel like crying after parents visit

[drivenmadbyparents]

I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not but I really do feel close to tears over their visit and it is probably ridiculous.

My real mother died when I was very young and I have had three stepmothers: this latest one (sorry to put it like that!) is number three and they married when I was 27. I don't know her very well but she is pleasant enough.

I don't know where to start but on a two day visit they:

insisted on eating in McDonald's because they had vouchers they had "picked up off the floor" for Big Macs, meaning I had to sit there while they ate (I am vegetarian.)

went to a Harvester restaurant and STUFFED themselves - I mean, 3 big bowls of pasta, 2 rolls with butter each, massive bowls of pineapple and other fruit, PLUS a big lunch. No one could talk as they were just shoving food into themselves. It wasn't just the amount, it was the way my dad was shovelling huge forkfuls in his mouth and going, "Ooh! OOH!" in enjoyment

went to Wetherspoons for a drink (they won't go anywhere else ) and my dad loaded up his bum-bag with ketchup, sugar, pots of milk and so on. (They own a barge and apparently these "come in useful")

Read every single road sign out loud to me for no discernible reason - I literally had to put up with "Name Of Village!" Read aloud and then they would look at me questioningly as if I was supposed to say something?

Described the holidays they had taken, the books they had read and the films they had watched in such mind-numbing detail, I wanted to scream.

It probably sounds like nothing but I just feel so sad the only family I have, I have absolutely nothing in common with and spent the two days wishing they'd go home. And that's awful as one day he won't be here, but honestly, it was miserable. Has anybody ever had anything like this with their parent(s)?

What do you do in your spare time OP? Do you have a job, DC, hobbies?

I agree with the poster who said that your expectations of your father are possibly too high. He is retired and seems to fill his days with eating, the boat, walking, seeing films, reading books and spending time with the grandchildren - that actually sounds a reasonably full life for a retiree. He is not dependent on you financially or for any care needs (I know a number of people whose parents are dependent on them for both of these things and, especially where dementia or worse is involved, it is heart breaking).

I think that you don't relax with him because there is an underlying current of resentment - you lost your mother early and had a number of stepmothers foisted on you, they now maybe seem to prefer the company of your stepsisters to you?

What I don't understand is why you haven't made an effort to get to know your stepsisters and nephews, especially since you are complaining at lack of a family.

You come across to me as sad, lonely and resentful. I think you need to grow up, detach yourself and see your father as an individual instead of just your Dad. You sound tense and judgemental. I bet your father and his wife are as relieved to leave as you are for them to be gone.

I think people are being a bit hard on you. It is all very well saying this behaviour is not so bad, and as such it's not, but when it is your Dad it's a different thing. I only have second hand experience, as my OHs Mum is a bit similar. In many ways she is a lovely woman, but various issues mean it is hard for them to really communicate and it makes him sad and frustrated (though for me, as an in law, her "quirks" are not hard to deal with at all). She loves him to bits and he loves her, but in away that makes it worse because of the guilt and "what could be". I can just smile and nod and it all washes over me, but when it is YOUR parent then having a relationship like that would feel like a failure and a hole where something better/closer should be.

It is really hard to give any advice, but just wanted to say it doesn't sound an unreasonable thing to get upset about to me. I hope you find a way to make it more bearable.

LT xx

Dolcelatte - that's not quite what the situation is.

What happened was this. My mum died when I was nine and when I was ten, he remarried. The "new" stepmother lived elsewhere in the country, she had actually been a friend of my mothers, and he moved to be with her but didn't live with her full time. My mums mum had moved in to live with us when my mum was poorly so we stayed on with this arrangement, and my dad came back at weekends! He said this was normal for children with divorced parents! When I was twelve, my grandmother died and stepmother no1 didn't want us living with her so the marriage ended then.

Stepmother no2 was lovely but my dad and she would always go away to stay with their children, who were adults - my brother and I were in our teens then and could be left. But I never met them as I was never "allowed" to meet them, so to speak, and this marriage lasted some years - in fairness one of her children lives abroad. Her daughter is the one I met briefly when she had her DS1. He met stepmother no3 when I was an adult and had been working several years. They don't live in the same part of the country as me and I am not invited to stay with them so I have never had an opportunity to meet my step-siblings, it isn't me being awkward.

Just to reiterate, I don't object at all on going for walks, it's just that there never anything to talk about when we do. I have honestly tried but all I can get is lengthy monologues from my dad. Last time I saw them I booked tickets to see a show set in the 60s and it featured a gay character. I was talking to my dad about attitudes to homosexuality had changed, and he was telling me about how an effeminate friend of his had been abused verbally once in a club, which would have been fine except the story took 45 minutes as it featured endless descriptions of the friend, the club and what the friend did, how he knew the friend ... so by the time he reached the end of the story the "conversation" was dead. He either does that or as someone said earlier, interrupts you mid sentence to make an observation about a bird, or more likely with my dad about the bins!

Honestly, I have tried, and I didn't go into our back story as I didn't want to be accused of being resentful or stroppy or anything - I'm not, not now anyway. I was, when I was away at university, sad and angry at my dad and my childhood and adolescence but I'm over it now. It's just something that happened. But it's there here and now I struggle with and it's more my own emotions I struggle with.

Thanks for a lot of posts that really have hit the nail on the head and understood what it is I'm talking about. I do work full time and am successful in my career, I don't have children or a partner though. I can't remember who asked that.

I find my family visits challenging. I feel we don't have much in common.

I have had to accept the fact that family visits will never be like the image I have in my head. I try to focus on 1-2 things that I have in common with each one and try to make an effort but otherwise... Yeah...

I used to have to beg to go out somewhere other than the town or the park when I would go visiting. It used to drive me crazy. Now what I do is arrange visits around an event eg an exhibition my mum wants to see, a concert my dad wants to go to, a local fun day my nephews would love. That way I come with an event prepared so we HAVE to do at least one thing that's not the town or park.

Perhaps next time say to your dad, there are a couple of things going on here this weekend, we could either go to this exhibition OR we could go to this concert, what would you rather? Sometimes limiting options is helpful as you can't end up just having a walk or just going to eat if you have plans.

Yes, it's difficult, though, as there's just so little they would want to do. Even when I have booked tickets for something in the past it leads to a lot of 'ooh-OOOH-OOOOH!' from my dad about the cost, it does my head in to be honest!

OP I think you are getting a hard time unfairly here.

I fully sympathise. My situation is different but similar in many ways. I also feel on edge when I spend any period of time with my parents and find them so set in their ways and habits - some of which are downright embarrassing. The obsession with parking for free, for example, which means parking far, far away from where we want to be and sometimes in rather dodgy spots - not great with 2 small DC. But I know this is a quirk and not being intentionally irritating. And the boring stories! Oh my, especially when told for the 200th time.

However, I agree with the posters saying that these are the things we'll miss when they're gone. We should appreciate our parents now, whilst we have them. But it is difficult to reconcile this thought with the reality of feeling annoyed and on edge in their company.

I like the suggestion to consider them as grandparents, not parents. Interesting. I'll have to give it some thought.

I know where you're coming from op. My DPs do the road sign reading thing. They are also very stuck in routine, even during visits to us - so much so that if I say I need to go to the supermarket there's usually a lot of discussion about it not being a Wednesday (their food shopping day) like its somehow forbidden to ever buy food on any other day.

Even cups of tea are in the routine. I'll ask if they'd like one and they have a ten minute discussion between them along the lines of
"well are you having one",
"ooh I dont know, what time is it?"
"It's half 11"
"Isn't it a bit near lunch?"
"Well we could wait til after"
"What times lunch ipswichwitch?"
"About 1ish" (whenever I can get the baby and toddler sorted to make it really)
"Oh, that's a bit late. We normally eat at 12"
"Shall we have a cup of tea now then?"
"Well that depends on what's for lunch"
And so on.
By this point I could scream.
They have this same type of discussion about going to the toilet before we go out. Neither of them have bladder problems btw, believe me I'd know all about it if they did.

I love them dearly, I just get so frustrated by the small world view and rigidity. DM was always so intellectual and knew exactly what was going on in the world, and now the topic of conversation is generally related to wether I've seen the latest episode of Midsomer Murders. She's gotten old before her time (she's only 60, my DSD is 73) and has seriously forgotten how busy life can be working ft with 2 small children. She's utterly bemused that I don't have time to potter in the garden or make cards like she does.

They are coming up next weekend - I'm almost dreading that frustrated feeling and I really don't want to feel like that.

Sorry the thread moved on a bit whilst I was writing my post.

I like the suggestion to arrange visits around events. I am going to take that one on board! OP, perhaps you could book tickets in advance and say they were cheap - BOGOF or groupon or something. The equivalent of the free Big Macs!!

I know what you mean with the cups of tea :)

To be honest though, anything I book I've paid for is met with gasps and sharp intakes of breath. The truth is, my dad is hugely disconnected in many ways. He has free bus travel, and can of course spend his days going into bargain supermarkets and markets so he's very out of touch with how much things "really" cost, if you see what I mean.

Sorry if anyone thought I was moaning but believe me I have tried so hard to forge a relationship but it just isn't happening and this makes me so sad.

Oh this thread! Why when they reach a certain age do our parents suddenly start:

• Totally monopolising the convo. with tedious and infinitely detailed accounts of conversations they've had with people we don't know, usually to do with their medical problems. (i recently had to listen to my mother retelling the life story of someone she sat next to on the bus. Half way through this 20 min monologue i had to ask 'mum, who is this again? As i'd got v.confused thinking it was a relative. No - it was the woman who got on bus in X village. Yada yada yada ... 15 more minutes of random woman's gall bladder problems ) Or blow by blow accounts of tv programs that we havn't watched. Even though we've said we don't watch them because we don't like them!!

Mum - ''Did you watch so and so?'' ('Murder She Wrote', or something similar) Me - ''No, DH and i give that kind of thing a miss usually. We watch films mostly. Did you see X last night?' Mum - 'No - but on Murder She Wrote; well ... bla de bla de bla de bla de .....'

aaaarrrrgggghhhhh

• When they do give you 2 minutes to have a turn speaking they then interrupt by loudly blurting out whats written on a random lorry, or, yes, OOOOOOOOH - there's a bird on the lawn ..... then i get a brusk 'never mind' cutting off whatever it is i've been trying to tell her about so she can launch into another diatribe about the postman's nephew's girlfriend's nan's bunion op

When i whinge about my mum to my DH he laughs and tells me i'm being wicked.

And i feel wicked. And guilty. But god i'm only human.

Oh you poor things. The Disgraces have mostly escaped this fate by a resolute refusal to grow old.

My DM got a bit like this when DF died, but we were talking one day and she suddenly said "I'm turning into a silly old lady. Ring me a taxi while I pack, I'm going to Amsterdam to look at the Night Watch again". She was back next week, with an account of having tried weed "to see what all the fuss was about".

In MIL's case after FIL died there was a bit more planning. Finland in midwinter needs forethought.

Fluffy - it isn't just me, then!

I had an alcoholic relative (now deceased), who lived with another family member, and visits were difficult. Shorter visits were the solution I found. Or visit them more often.

Just don't lose all contact.

Driven, your father abandoned you when you where young after you had just lost you mum.

I think you are grieving a dad you never had. Not when you were young, and not now you're a grown up.

His ways and habits would probably not irritate you as much if the relationship was otherwise fine. But it's not. And it is allowed to say so.

when you were young - I can spell, honest

FYI bum bags are back in fashion. All the cool kids take them to festivals and ibiza!

I would struggle two hours with this fella, you did well to get through two days.

Yeah I'm not into eating at macdonalds with vouchers from the floor, or stuff your face as much as you can at some shitty pub. I'm amazed that pp have suggested that you are the one with 'food' issues op.

DP is funny with my mum. When she starts with the "Well, Marcia was ill, and so I decided to visit her every day, and the first day I took a casserole, it had potatoes and chicken in it, oh and olives, and Brian said..."

My DP goes "WHO IS MARCIA!? I've never heard of Marcia. WHO IS BRIAN? Never heard of him!" :o

It's kind of rude but then my mum is also bloody rude. You don't bore on about intricate details of the lives of people who the person you're talking to has never met. I have no idea why they do it (though actually my mum has always been like this so it's not an age thing).

I really hope it doesn't happen to me. I can't imagine saying to DS when he's 30 "You remember Lucy!!! She used to live next door to you when you were 3, and once you played on her trampoline, well her dad's new wife's sisters cat died!!!" Why the hell would I? How can my mum possibly imagine I want to hear this sort of thing? How can she not realise a few minutes' peace would be better?

YANBU, OP. In my case it is my DM. Last time she stayed with me it felt like her sole topic of conversation was her constipation

I feel really on edge the majority of the time I am with her too... probably because I am casting around for topics of conversation.

I think unless you have this type of relationship with your parents it is impossible to understand, and our moaning seems petty. But lots of other posters can relate to what you are saying, OP.

Yanbu.

Its heartbreaking To feel so distant and unconnected to your few blood relatives. Sounds like each vist isd a disappointment.

Just sad that your on different levels.

Look op they are a certain way and enjoy certain things. You are another way and enjoy other things!

Are you sad because they aren't like you?

Are you sad because they get on your nerves?

Are you sad because you think you should all like the sane things just because you are related?

Do you think they are boring? Are you a bit ashamed of them?

I think you could probably answer yes to all of those but so what!

You did your bit. It was 2 days. Well done and you know if we were all the same how boring would life be

I would add that you may need to loosen up a bit and try to see the funny side as the picture of your dad filling his bum bag made me laugh anyway.

To add my parents are both very deaf and avid daily mail readers.

Can you imagine the embarrassing topics of conversation shouted at full volume in a restaurant? Or hospital waiting room in a fairly multi racial area? It's a wonder I haven't been punched.

I really feel for you OP. it's very hard to come to terms with childhood baggage especially if your dad is the only person you have left but he has no idea how to interact with you. My parents divorced when I was very young and I was brought up by my mum who was very bitter and miserable and who then died when I was 20 and my step dad who was a waste of space - he remarried when I was 23 and announced he didn't want anything to do with me or my brother now despite having brought us up for 17 years. Luckily I still have a close relationship with my real dad and step mum who are both lovely.

My poor DH's parents are very much how you describe and it drives us mad. They are elderly now (early 80s) but pretty active still. But they are stuck in sucha routine and have just completely disengaged from anything other than going to the supermarket or talking about their friends we have never met. They too read everything out loud and when we visit we end up sat in silence because anything you say becomes a 10 min fuss about nothing.

All of these parents just seem to be doing what older people do?I fully intend to be an eccentric old woman and if people don't like it it's their problem. My mum had some funny ways but I miss her every day and I understand how Pootle feels.

OP, I feel for you, and I think several posters have been extremely unpleasant and short-sighted in their responses, as if you were just some prim, joyless daughter annoyed by her ageing father's eccentricities, when from what I can see it's not like that at all.

I do think that your frustration and disappointment are as much or more to do with the death of your mother, and your father's remarriages - which sound like quite strange situations, as you recount them - as the current visit. He left you with your grandmother after your mother's death and moved to live close to (but not with?!) his new wife, then you were bereaved all over again when your primary carer, your grandmother, died, then your father came back for a bit and then remarried again, which involved leaving you and your brother alone a lot while he went off visiting his new wife's family.

He never seems to have made any attempt to integrate you into any of his 'new' families - and especially after your brother died, I'm not surprised you feel lonely, and place a lot of emphasis on the one familial relationship you have left. I think you're mourning for the father you never had, and all the families he didn't let you be part of. It's probably fair to say that he's not going to change now, and nothing you can do will alter that, so it's a matter of coming to terms with that (via therapy?) and forging your place in the world in a non-familial way.

One thing I wanted to ask, OP, as there are aspects of your father's behaviour which sound very similar to my own father - the 45 minute monologues on details of no possible interest to the hearer, the lack of meaningful relationships, the extreme inflexibility and routine-boundedness, the time-consuming rituals of bargain-hunting, the inability to consider things from someone else's point of view, the obsessive stockpiling of logs for someone else long after he's been told not to etc etc - have you considered whether your father might be on the autistic spectrum?

I realised (when my godson was diagnosed a few years ago, and I was doing a lot of reading on the subject) that my father displayed a lot of traits associated with Asperger's. I've never mentioned it to him, but my siblings and I have found it has helped us to understand behaviour that we considered normal during our childhoods, but have come to recognise as not normal.

Obviously this is an armchair diagnosis of your father from a non-professional on the internet, so feel free to dismiss it, but if you do some reading and conclude that your father may have AS, it might help you come to terms with elements of his behaviour.

But I don't think your frustration and sadness are in the least unreasonable. Be kind to yourself.