Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
dunsborough · 17/04/2014 15:27

"When you have a child the child isn't yours?"

Er what?

Martorana · 17/04/2014 15:33

"Go with your gut instinct always Belistapus

"

In this case, the gut instinct seems to be that her PIL are paedophiles. Why isn't she at the police station?

MaryShelley · 17/04/2014 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 16:02

Martorana what? That is so melodramatic I can't even...

Martorana · 17/04/2014 16:06

Dunsborough- it shocked her, made her uncomfortable, was overstepping boundaries and she thinks kissing on the lips is for "romantic" purposes only.

If we're not talking something sexual here, what are we talking about?

SauvignonBlanche · 17/04/2014 16:15

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

Without causing extreme offence at linking their affection to a perversion? I would say never.

Bowlersarm · 17/04/2014 16:17

The OP is the melodramatic one. A peck on the lips, and she makes a huge drama of it. Sheesh. I am cringing at the thought of the conversation she will be having with her fil. Poor guy.

tintin1969 · 17/04/2014 16:19

You're right! It makes me feel queezy too.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 16:19

dunsborough

The child isn't your property! You cannot micromanage how other relatives interact with her. Yes it's your job to safeguard but even the op admits this isn't the case here as the gps are described as good and kind people

The fil isn't waving his willi around he's kidding a baby on the lips!

Your advice is not helping the op deal with her issues it really isn't.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 16:21

To be honest I have read some Barmy and ridiculous threads on mumsnet but this is up there with the worse of mummy maddness.

God help your inlaws and your dd as she grows older.

Beeyump · 17/04/2014 16:28

Well, I feel 'queezy' at the attitude of the op towards her pil.

LoonvanBoon · 17/04/2014 16:31

I think the only way the OP could broach this would be for her to take the "worried about germs / hygiene" line.

Her PIL may think she's neurotic, but that has to be better than saying she believes it's wrong / inappropriate for them to kiss her baby on the lips. Talking about feeling uncomfortable etc. does imply that there's something creepy about her PIL's behaviour; & I can't see how you could say that without causing offence / hurt.

I'm not sure I've ever willingly kissed my children (or other people's) on the lips, & thinking about it I do get a bit of the "yuck" reaction. But that strikes me as slightly irrational. I actually have no idea if my PIL / other relatives kissed our boys on the lips when they were babies - not sure I'd have noticed exactly where each kiss was placed!

I do feel strongly that older children shouldn't be put under pressure to kiss anyone if they don't want to - I remember being instructed to kiss elderly relatives, & really hating it - but that's a different issue.

OP, what will you do if, having had this conversation with your PIL, you find that when your DD is a bit older she herself goes in for kisses on the lips? Would you tell her not to do it too? It seems sad if your toddler ends up feeling unable to express affection in the way she wants.

hugoagogo · 17/04/2014 16:33

I wouldn't associate it with anything sexual, more like the yukkiness I feel when I see someone let their dog lick their mouth.

SlimJiminy · 17/04/2014 16:39

Me and my cousins used to spend ages discussing our nan's sloppy on-the-lips kisses. Grandad kissed us on the lips too but hers were just somehow much more slobbery. One of the fond memories I have of my nan is sneakily wiping the slobber off when she wasn't looking! Never occurred to me that it would be any other way though. Definitely didn't make me uncomfortable. She was the best nan ever! I think you're being unfair.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 16:42

Comparing a kiss from a grandparent to a dog licking your face? This thread just gets odder and odder

cardibach · 17/04/2014 16:48

I'm a bit disturbed by posters on this thread who are equating not kissing on the lips with giving no affection at all. Are you all so lacking in affection for your children that you only give them a peck on the lips? Poor, poor babies...
OK, I know that isn't the case, but why do you think it is for non lip kissers? Why can't you see that people have different boundaries?

I also feel this knee jerk 'You are accusing them of paedophilia' rather odd. The OP hasn't said that. Other posters agreeing with her viewpoint haven't said that. They say they feel uncomfortable, and you all jump from their to sexually uncomfortable. I think you may have issues...

cardibach · 17/04/2014 16:49

there* Sorry.

Fizzybangfanny · 17/04/2014 16:50

cardi I agree! Bizzare , some posters need to step away from the thread

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 16:50

you all jump from their to sexually uncomfortable.

The op was the person who was proclaiming a kiss to be a romantic gesture - if that isn't saying she finds it sexually uncomfortable then what is it saying?

TheHappyMonkey · 17/04/2014 16:50

Sometimes when I'm faced with a tough decision like this I find it's easier to think "what is the kindest thing to do here?" And then go with that.
Your daughter is not hurting or suffering. If she at any point decides she wants no more kisses on the lips she will make that clear.
If you say something I really do think it would be unkind. You are likely to make your child's grandparents feel self conscious in showing affection to her and hurt because you think there's something sinister in how they have been showing affection to her.
I think the kind thing to do would be to suck it up for the next few months until she's at an age where she will decide for herself.
If at that point she tries to move away and they forcibly do it anyway, that's when you go apeshit.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 16:52

"The OP hasn't said that. Other posters agreeing with her viewpoint haven't said that. They say they feel uncomfortable, and you all jump from their to sexually uncomfortable. I think you may have issues..."

Shocked, uncomfortable, disregarding boundaries and kissing on the lips is for "romantic purposes" only.
If that's not sexually uncomfortable,I don't know what else it can possibly be.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 16:54

Well said TheHappyMonkey.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 17:02

Yes again agree sirzy

It was the op who was uncomfortable with the lip kissing as it's seen by her as romantic/sexual.

So by definition if she tackles this with the GP it will be taken that thrusts being inappropriate.

Ffs how can that not be obvious!

Fizzy and Cardi instead of telling posters who have been trying to persuade the op not to upset these nice inlaws as we can all see it will be disastrous , you should read the whole fucking thread yourselves.

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 17:03

TheHappyMonkey at no point has the OP, or anyone else for that matter, said that they think there is "something sinister in how they have been showing affection to her". Nor has anyone, OP included, said that kissing a child on the lips = either paedophilia or romantic feelings. They seems to be a lot of wilful misunderstanding and consequently OTT reactions on this thread.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 17:04

Jesus where did thrusts come from. This thread is sending me batty!

HappyMonkey well said.