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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
tmae · 17/04/2014 14:20

Ah I see

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 14:20

dunsborough no think the melodrama is all in the ops side here.

To effectively accuse gps of inappropriateness regarding kidding a grandchild?

You seriously don't think that would cause dreadful and probably life long offence and hurt and anger?

Really? Wow.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 14:21

'I'm a carnivore, but if my vegetarian sister asked me not to give bacon sandwiches to her son I would respect that.'

Hmm

Yesterday you were comparing it to asking that someone not smack your child. Logic and reason aren't your strong points OP.

spindlyspindler · 17/04/2014 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spindlyspindler · 17/04/2014 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Balistapus · 17/04/2014 14:32

LoveBeing - that is wilfully misinterpreting what I said.

I said that - for me - kissing on the lips is only romantic. Because of this I think it's wrong to kiss my child on the lips and don't feel comfortable with anyone else doing it.

To other people - you included - it is not just for romantic reasons, it is purely platonic when done to a child. I'm not saying when you kiss your own child it is anything other than platonic or that my PIL are doing it for anything other than platonic reasons.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 17/04/2014 14:32

It certainly would appear to be futile if practically everyone is telling you that you stand an excellent chance of hurting and offending your inlaws and you only address the minority who agree with you, and refuse to accept you might not be the centre of the whole universe, and your attitude towards kissing might not be the last word on the matter.

Power on. Go right ahead. Imply your inlaws are paedophiles (because that's how it'll be taken, I promise you). Just don't come running back when they are, y'know, hurt and upset.

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 14:36

There's just no way, no matter how you word it, that they won't take your 'request' as anything but the suggestion that they are doing something dodgy.

But I'm not entirely sure why any of us are bothering to try and explain this as you clearly aren't interested in anyone else's opinion.

splendide · 17/04/2014 14:40

My friend's 8 month old likes to grab an handful of hair in each little fist to keep your face still then approach for a full dribbly open mouthed smooch. It's alarmingly difficult to dodge it!

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 14:41

If you've only ever seen people kissing each other on the lips in romantic relationships, such as in films and on TV and then, in adulthood, see someone kissing a child on the lips or a family member on the lips of course it will be jarring. You will know that it's nothing to do with inappropriate feelings or paedophilia, but it will still look very strange indeed and unpleasant too because of the associations that you've grown up with.

My feelings about this matter are the same as the OP's. It just looks so very odd and surprising and is so outside your own experience that it's a bit shudder-inducing to be perfectly honest.

No one could possibly be more affectionate than I am with my daughter, but it would never cross my mind to kiss her or anyone but my DH on the lips. It isn't a matter of thinking people who do things differently are wrong. I hadn't the slightest idea until reading this thread that so many people kiss their children and other family members on the lips. Because I don't does NOt mean that I am 'detached' and 'unloving' though.

SueDoku · 17/04/2014 14:44

That poor, poor baby....

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 14:45

You must be living in a bubble to get to adulthood and never witness and adult giving a child a kiss on the lips!

When I drop DS at preschool at least half the children are kissed on the lips by parents/grandparents on the way in

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 17/04/2014 14:47

I think you are within your rights to tell you ILs not to kiss the baby on the lips and I don't think it is going to endanger your relationship if they have any empathy.

However this is not because kissing a baby on the lips is wrong as it's not but it is because you clearly have a problem with it and they should be sensitive. I do sympathise as I grew up in a family where physical affection was extremely limited and the idea that either of my GFs or even GMs would hug me, never mind kiss, is alien - but it is not normal or healthy to feel that way.

Physical affection (kissing, hugging, cuddling) is a crucial part of development and has been demonstrated to have positive effects on emotional and brain development. What's more - having positive and healthy physical relationships with their family will help children be more confident in dealing with unwanted kissing / hugging / touching and setting their boundaries. My DS(5) is very demonstrative and kisses his GPs, friends and us on the lips frequently and spontaneously - but he is very clear about who/how/when and we respect that.

If you grow up with no physical affection then it is hard to identify what is positive and consented to versus what is intrusive. It's normal and human to want to be touched, cuddled and kissed and it's so sad that innocent actions have been sexualised.

I suggest you do look into why you feel this way because if your daughter decides that she wants to kiss Grandma and Grandpa you will not be able to police it.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 15:00

Agree with sirzy and op your baby is small now. When she is at nursery school you will see dozens of children kissing parents/grandparents on the lips. It's completely normal and wide spread.

I also agree with you that this debate is over now. You asked if it was inappropriate and been told no it's not.

You have asked if you should say anything. The vast majority of posters have said no definatly not.

You obviously think you are right and will have a word so what's the point in posting aibu if you are told yes you are but just keep arguing with the majority.

I think you need to change not your inlaws.

You are wrong and they are normal.

You are making a huge mistake.

CarmineRose1978 · 17/04/2014 15:04

Hmmm... I'm pregnant with our first and I just asked my DP what he thinks - he thinks kissing on the lips is weird! But I think it's completely normal... I've told him he needs to get used to the idea!

squoosh · 17/04/2014 15:08

Lots of snotty faced babies don't give you a choice where you kiss them, they're determined that only the lips will do.

eskinosekiss · 17/04/2014 15:12

For whatever reason YOU have an issue with something that you have (finally) admitted is not wrong, not damaging, not dangerous. Ergo you accept that your objection, while coming from a real place (how you were bought up), is irrational. As such, this is YOUR issue. Your PILs have no issue with lip kissing. Your DD will have no issue with lip kissing, unless you bring her up (as you seem intent on doing so) to have an issue with it.

Surely you would want to save your DD from having similar hang ups as she grows up?

A better analogy (than smacking or bacon) for you to work out your feelings with would be the momentary hair stroke of a child by a grandparent.

Val007 · 17/04/2014 15:13

Hey, I am all for kissing on the lips, as I stated in my previous post. I do it, I had it done to me by my parents and grandparents and I do it to my children.

You may be right that the grandparents may be hurt.

BUT!

The mother of this baby is also hurt. Which hurt would you choose? Which hurt is stronger? Which hurt will affect the baby more?

I will always respect the wishes of a baby's mother, because it is HER baby and she has the right to decide what is best for that baby.

The mother will probably not change her views on viewing lip kissing a baby as a romantic thing. This is how she has been raised! She did not ask us to discuss if this is right or wrong. She did ask us how to approach it and my advice is not to mention her romantic connection. Just to stress the fact that she herself is not raised in this way, hence feels uncomfortable. No further justification needed. The less detail given, the less chance of hurt. In the end of the day, she is the mother, right?

CarmineRose1978 · 17/04/2014 15:13

I read that there's an anthropological/biological reason babies go for the mouth - back in the day, humans would wean their babies by chewing food and passing the mush mouth-to-mouth. I think some remote tribes still do this, and of course many animals do it too.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 15:13

She isn't 'hurt'.

squoosh · 17/04/2014 15:14

She just has strange hang-ups.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 17/04/2014 15:14

It's it though is it, or tell me what you really meant by romantic?

I don't have an issue with anyone thinking it's not right to kiss on the mouth, you're not the first and won't be the last, but to say it's only for 'romantic ' relationships is wrong.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 17/04/2014 15:16

Lots of snotty faced babies don't give you a choice where you kiss them, they're determined that only the lips will do.

Grin hmm snotty kisses with a hand on either side of your face so you can't escape

dunsborough · 17/04/2014 15:23

Go with your gut instinct always Belistapus

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 15:24

Valoo7

No you are completely wrong. Sorry.

many many posters on mumsnet have been seriously neglected, ill treated, ignored and harmed deeply emotionally and physically by parents.

They recognise this beings issues to their parenting and try extremely hard to be different with their own children. To break the cycle.

They do not make parenting all about them.

We all ask for advice in life and sensible people listen and decide on a course of action.

If I put a problem to mumsnet it's because I want opinions not to validate my own.

The vast majority of posters have told the op her actions will cause hurt and harm.

When you have a child the child isn't yours. They are not a possession. You can't micromanage others relationships with them and if you keep trying to,you will ultimately cause damage.