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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
DownstairsMixUp · 17/04/2014 17:06

All my family kiss DS (4) on the lips Confused I've never thought about it so the answer is don't broach it! How odd.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:07

"Wrong""uncomfortable"" shocked" "lip kissing is a romantic gesture"

Why is it wrong, why is she uncomfortable and shocked?

cardibach · 17/04/2014 17:07

See, there you go again. THe OP said that for her kissing was only for romantic purposes. SHe didn't say (or even suggest) that her PILs were being sexual, just that her own associations made her feel uncomfortable. She asked for advice on how to address this and got told she was weird and it was tantamount to accusing her PILs of paedophilia.

Now come on try. Try to look at it from her point of view. I repeat, your rather strident defence of lip kissing smacks of protesting too much.

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 17:07

Gruntfuttock

Page 1 of the thread.

Op states i only see kisses on the lips as romantic

Please read the whole thread please

cardibach · 17/04/2014 17:08

Yes, thebody. SHe said she sees it as romantic, and so finds it uncomfortable. Not that she thinks other people, notably her PILs feel like that. Reading comprehension fail?

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:09

I'm not defending lip kissing. I don't do it.

I'm defending the poor bloody grandparents who, like many people do, and are about to be told that they are behaving inappropriately towards their 8 month old grand daughter.

Beeyump · 17/04/2014 17:10

I'm just rocking back and forth in my chair now. Time to hide thread Grin

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:10

So if the OP feels that lip kissing is a romantic gesture for her but accepts it isn't for other people- then where's the problem?

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 17:10

cardibach we have looked at it from her view but in life you have to see other views don't you?

Only toddlers just see what they want.

Can't you see how the inlaws will feel and think?

thebodydoestricks · 17/04/2014 17:13

Ok can't be arsed now.

Op do what you like here but don't be suprised if you loose the good will, love and trust of your inlaws and that's an awfully silly thing to do when you have a very young child.

Hiding this ridiculous thread now.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 17:14

I did stop my PIL's from kissing my children on the mouths. I've never done it, never had it done to me. Not a sexual aversion, more of a "Yeuch" one.

My FIL had no teeth, was a very heavy smoker, and his mouth was extremely heavily nicotine-stained (dark orange) his breath absolutely stank. Now why would I allow him to kiss my brand-new, shiny pink sparkly baby on the mouth? No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely Not in this World, or any other. He started off doing it, but I did have to put a stop. Mouth infections are passed on this way (even if a cold-sore or mouth ulcer is not present at the time, they can lie dormant). Plus - why should she have to endure a sloppy, smelly wet, icky kiss when she has no say in the matter?

My poor Mum, on the other hand, had a Grandfather who used to kiss her on the mouth when she was a little girl (with full tongue). She objected, but her Mum just said, "Oh, it's just because he loves you, darling" and she had to endure it for years (and more). That was a sexual thing, and she was made to put up with it.

Not saying both types are interlinked, but both are unpleasant, in different ways. Lots of adults kiss children on the mouth - I personally think it is icky, for lots of different reasons. Mouth-to-mouth contact is either for lovers, or for life-saving purposes (and even that is done with protection, where available).

WitchWay · 17/04/2014 17:14

I think kissing children on the lips is revolting & unacceptable. I think kissing adults on the lips is unacceptable unless they are the partner of the kisser. Just my thoughts on the matter.

cardibach · 17/04/2014 17:19

thebody have you looked at it from her point of view? I don't see any evidence of that. And I agree. WE do need to look at things from other viewpoints. It is then perfectly OK to conclude our own is right for us although not necessarily for others and to let them get on with it. Ever thought of doing that?

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 17:20

thebody I have read the whole thread. I have also posted saying that if you have always regarded kissing on the lips as romantic, because you've only seen it in films and TV in that context, it's natural to feel surprised and think that it looks odd when you start seeing family members kissing each other and/or babies on the lips.

It looks odd because up until then you had thought it happened in romantic relationships only. Hence, the discomfort at seeing it.

After that, you have to adjust your thinking and understand that it's what lots of other people have always done.

I agree with everyone who says that it would be unkind to say anything to the PIL and better that the OP gets used to it. After all, she knows and acknowledges that there's nothing wrong with it, she's just unused to it.

TheHappyMonkey · 17/04/2014 17:21

Gruntfuttock, sorry if I phrased it badly. What I was trying to say is that if anyone ever asked me to change the way I showed affection to their child, because they were uncomfortable with it/felt it was inappropriate, I would be horrified because I would feel like they MUST think I was doing something sinister or they wouldn't have raised it, they wouldn't have asked me to stop if they thought what i was doing was fine and normal.

And that would feel horrendous and would definitely affect how I behaved towards that child/family, because I would be scared of my actions being misinterpreted, or of being told off again for something that I had thought was perfectly healthy and normal.

I would never ever recommend keeping quiet and sucking it up if a child was suffering or experiencing any level of harm/abuse, but that is not whats happening here.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:23

I have looked at it from her point of view. She doesn't like it. I understand that. NBut the only way she can stop it is by suggesting to her PIL that they are behaving inappropriately towards their grand daughter.

Faced with a choice like that, unless she genuinely thinks they are behaving inappropriately, she just has to learn to deal with it.

crypticbow08 · 17/04/2014 17:29

Yabu. They are close family members, and it is a sign of love and affection from gp to gd. Id try and get over it if I were you.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 17:30

I don't agree that the only way she can stop it is by suggesting it is "inappropriate". My PIL's kissing on the mouth was not inappropriate at all, I knew that. I just didn't like it so explained to them nicely, that we know you love our children, but we don't do it, s could you please very kindly just give a hug and a kiss on the cheek? They were absolutely fine with it - there are very often ways of saying things to people without causing offence.

cardibach · 17/04/2014 17:30

You may be right, Martorana (although as others have pointed out, she could ask them to stop while offering another plausible reason, e.g. germs/cold sores). But you undermine this when you continue to say it is weird, that OP's 'poor child' is lacking in affection, that she has a peculiarly sexualised view of her child, etc. And I know you personally haven't said all these things, but others have.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/04/2014 17:31

OP - perhaps if you had been kissed on the lips as a child you wouldn't have this weird hang up which you are now passing on to your own child?

All this talk of appropriate boundaries and children getting used to things 'being done to them'. WTF? It does indeed sound as if you think PILs are abusers in the making.

My DCs love a good lip-smacker, preferably with a big 'mmmmmmm' noise as you approach one another Grin

I kiss my parents and grandparents on the lips, and various other relatives. Except the European arm, where we all do four air kisses and it takes half an hour to get through the hellos! Grin

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 17:33

Stick to your guns, Balistapus. Family members can show love and affection without kissing on the lips - it's unnecessary. If you feel uncomfortable with it, then don't allow it, you're the parent. Simple as that.

tmae · 17/04/2014 17:35

She can present it as an "I'm really sorry, I know it's irrational, but.." style of request.

I wouldn't think I was being accused of being creepy, just that they'd rather I didn't for some reason, be it germs, or potentially something in their past they don't want to have to explain, or that they just don't like it.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:36

"But you undermine this when you continue to say it is weird, that OP's 'poor child' is lacking in affection, that she has a peculiarly sexualised view of her child, etc. And I know you personally haven't said all these things, but others have."

I haven't said any of those things, never mind all of them.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 17:37

Also, I admit I've only sped-read the thread, but a couple of posters mentioned "you learn to avoid it if you don't like it". Why should you have to learn to avoid it? That is nonsensical to my mind - you should look forward to a loving hug and peck on the cheek from someone you are fond of, not have to learn to "avoid" the sloppy mouth contact that you don't want.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 17:40

But some people do want that, most children have no problem with it and unless they are being pinned down and forced to kiss someone on the lips how is it an issue?

DS some days says no to any kisses. So we don't give them. Other days he offers his forehead to kiss, most of the time he has lip kisses. Its his choice.

Some people seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill and looking for issues where there shouldn't be any. If you don't want to kiss people on the lips don't but others have no problem with it so why (as long as neither party says no) shouldn't they?