Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:
defineme · 17/04/2014 19:33

I think you may have just accused your pil of child abuse.

I would suggest counselling because something very wrong must have happened for you to misread innocent actions in this way.

There are accepted societal norms. Victorians thought a flash of an ankle was sinful and sexual, but we don't anymore. I think you may have to accept that you're completely out of kilter with society and that you'll have to get over this.

I can just imagine my mil's face if I'd said she'd committed a sexual act on her precious grandchildren.

FunnyBunnyFoot · 17/04/2014 19:35

Evans The OP is so far out there I was being tongue in cheek. If she thinks GP's kissing her DD on the mouth is a sexual act then what other forms of affection does she view as sexually prolific?

Really Evans you need to take a step down off the manic step ladder your on Hmm

LoonvanBoon · 17/04/2014 19:38

Evans, if kissing on the lips is intrinsically sexual, as OP is now saying, then the question is what makes it a sexual act.

Is it the fact that the mouth is a special, sexual area? I don't see how - I'm sure OP wouldn't mind her PIL wiping food from her baby's mouth, & my children used to like sucking people's fingers as babies - is that sexual? I don't think the mouth can be said to be comparable to obviously private body parts like genitalia.

So then maybe OP thinks it's the act of kissing that's sexual - hence the poster asking if toe-kissing would be fetishistic. People are trying to help the OP unpack her thoughts about this, because her reaction sounds so extreme. OP obviously doesn't have a problem with kissing on the cheek, so what is it about kissing on the mouth that is intrinsically sexual, regardless of intent or context?

Is a personal yuck reaction, if that's all we're left with, really a good enough reason for policing the way other people express affection? I have a yuck reaction - verging on a phobia - about ketchup. Weird but true. I can't stand watching other people eating it. But I know the issue's mine, not theirs. OP doesn't seem to be willing to bring any rational reflection / analysis to bear on her own reactions.

SauvignonBlanche · 17/04/2014 19:39

Have you actually read the OP's latest posts Evans? Confused

FunnyBunnyFoot · 17/04/2014 19:41

Loon I hate ketchup too!!

I cannot scrape the dinner plates as my children love the bloody stuff so DH has to do it before I will wash up!

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 19:41

Loon, very good post.

And I have the same reaction to ketchup.

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 19:44

This HAS to be wind up Hmm

SauvignonBlanche · 17/04/2014 19:50

Well said Loon.

TulipOHare · 17/04/2014 19:50

SHe is uncomfortable because for her it is romantic and a bit shocked because she is not used to seeing it. She is uncomfortable. SHe recognises it is irrational as she doesn't think the PILs are paedophiles (as you suggest) but still feels uncomfortable. Don't you have any irrational feelings? No fear of spiders? Heights?

Yes, I'm terrified of spiders. But I don't want to pass my irrational fear onto my DC, therefore I do my level best not to show fear of spiders in front of them. As an approximate comparison, it'd be like me starting a thread entitled "AIBU to scream and gibber at the sight of a spider and insist that it be killed even if my DC are present?" - good way to guarantee my DC would end up as foolishly phobic as me Hmm

If you can recognise that something is irrational and possibly debilitating, you have to recognise that the problem lies only with you. Part of a parent's job to try not to pass on silliness like this to DC, surely Hmm

I still don't see why OP cannot just look away if the sight of an innocent kiss between her child and her PIL bothers her so much.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 19:51

Sauvignon - no, I'm replying to older stuff, haven't read newer posts (cooking dinner, etc). I'm responding to the original OP, some subsequent posts and my own thoughts.
Maybe I'll have to finish one task (ie, cooking dinner) and come back to the other Smile
I always thought I was quite good at multitasking.
(And I'm really not understanding the ketchup reference) Confused

Pagwatch · 17/04/2014 19:52

The comparison with smacking was ridiculous.

When you say romantic you mean sexual which is a sad view IMO.

But as to whether you should raise it, that depends how much you are prepared to upset your PIL in order to avoid something that you have no evidence your baby is the slightest bit bothered about.
I suspect you won't mind as you think your view is the only important one.

SauvignonBlanche · 17/04/2014 19:54

You need to catch up a bit then Evans! It's a pain when RL gets in the way, isn't it? Grin
I afraid the OP's tone has changed considerably.

Martorana · 17/04/2014 19:55

Have you contacted the police yet, OP? If not, why not?

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 20:54

This thread is utterly, utterly bonkers.

OP, I was really hoping this was hairy handed but I can see that it is not.

You have some serious issues with your PIL. This just looks like another way of getting at them. You also think they are robbing you of memories by buying your DD toys.

In the nicest way I can I suspect you might have some issues are regards your PIL and the way they show affection - a way which the vast majority of posters on MN would agree is quite normal, with kisses, presents and affection.

If you tell them to stop buying so many toys, and then tell them to stop kissing your DD... it's not going to end well Sad

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/04/2014 21:16

"...and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child."

Coming back to this and it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. "Commit??!" what a word to use! To say lip kissing is a sexual act in this context is so offensive to children/adults who have actually been sexually abused. Shocking!

I was with you that not everyone wants/likes lip kissing but you've taken it too far.

Thurlow · 17/04/2014 21:19

candy, I agree. 'Commit' struck me too, it's such a strong, horrible word.

Bettercallsaul1 · 18/04/2014 00:18

OP - I am amazed at the extreme reactions you have received on this thread , and I applaud your bravery at coming back to answer them.

The fact that you don't like this practice - and have a strong emotional revulsion to it - is a good enough reason to ask your parents-in-law not to do it. It's nonsense to suggest that the OP can't convey this tactfully if she puts her mind to it. In no other area of parenting would MN's be suggesting that a mother should go against her own instincts and accept behaviour from others (including relatives and friends) that she's not happy with. If the OP is going to grit her teeth over this every time her in-laws visit, of course she should say something about it.

I don't like seeing this either - for a mixture of hygiene reasons and the fact that I, too, associate kissing on the lips with romantic/sexual love. This in no way means that I think people who kiss children on the lips are harbouring inappropriate designs and I don't think for one moment that the OP thinks this either with regard to her parents-in-law. It just makes her feel uncomfortable and she should definitely ask them not to do it.

FunnyBunnyFoot · 18/04/2014 07:25

If your DP feels the same as you then get him to tell his parents he does not want them kissing his child on the lips.

Frankly I think the damage you could cause within the relationship will be more harmful to your baby than a peck on the lips from loving GP's.

My family and DH's family are very affectionate and kiss hug all the time. I cannot in anyway ever see this as romantic or sexual.

I think what is unhealthy is the fact the OP cannot differentiate between 'romantic' kisses and 'affectionate' kisses.

Good luck with not destroying the PIL or the relationship, I think you will need it.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 18/04/2014 08:06

I don't think for one moment that the OP thinks this either with regard to her parents-in-law.

Except she said she does. She said so.

smartypants1000 · 18/04/2014 09:54

In defence of the OP, I would be very uncomfortable with this and had no idea that normal people do kiss their children on the lips. Nobody in my family does, or dh's family, and don't think I've ever seen a friend do this. I think the problem is that it feels sexual to OP, it would feel sexual to me, but it doesn't to some of you, or to the Grandparents. It is obviously just different boundaries. But OP has the right to say something if it makes her uncomfortable - and I would have to say something if it were me, I just wouldn't feel comfortable to allow it to continue. I'd discuss it with DH, OP and let him have a word with his parents and just explain that people have different boundaries and that whilst you know it is completely innocent and affectionate, it is just something you're not used to that makes you uncomfortable.

smartypants1000 · 18/04/2014 09:55

BTW, I am very affectionate with my children, very cuddly and kissy - but kissing on the lips isn't something I've ever experienced outside of a romantic relationship.

Gruntfuttock · 18/04/2014 10:10

smartypants I agree 100% with every word of your posts above.

SuzzieScotland · 18/04/2014 12:19

I worked in Spain as an intern job, was weird kissing new work ppl twice on the cheek. I'm too British.

Pumpkinpositive · 18/04/2014 12:46

'I'm afraid that I am never, ever going to ' suck it up' and overide my protective instinct and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child

Screw all these posters telling you not to tell the grandparents, OP. You should tell them. Ideally, as phrased above. They deserve to know the way your thinking works so they can take adequate steps to protect themselves against future suspicion, or God forbid, accusations.

This reminds me of a thread from a while ago. Albeit the OP's concerns were less... delicately fleshed out than this one's. She felt it was inappropriate to kiss a child on the mouth using the same lips you may or may not have used to give someone a blowjob.

OfaFrenchMind · 18/04/2014 13:15

OP, YADNBU!
Kiss your child if you like it, but to be honest, if you do that in most regions of France, you will be seen as a weirdo. It is just not done. So should all the French and most Continentals get therapy? Do we all have issue? No, it's just something that some people just cannot stand, for cultural or hygiene reasons, or it is just yuck (not rational, but, well...we do not have to explain ourselves to you, tbh)
So if she does not want to get her child used to being kissed, or to automatically kiss on the mouth, she should say something.
The GPs should live with it, and there are a legion of other way to show affection to a child, or to your family.

Swipe left for the next trending thread