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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want PIL to kiss DD on the mouth

456 replies

Balistapus · 16/04/2014 23:19

I know some families do this, kissing children on the mouth, but I think it's wrong.

PIL came for a visit last week and when they left they both kissed DD, 8 months, on the mouth. I was too shocked to say anything, but feel very uncomfortable about it.

How/ when do I broach the subject with them?

OP posts:

FunnyBunnyFoot · 17/04/2014 17:42

I haven't RTT cos frankly I can't be arsed but from your OP YABVU. Its a kiss from a relative. Stop looking for something to be PO about.

If you don't like it have the bloody balls to tell FIL instead of coming on here hoping to have the vote sways your way. Lets face it unless he is on MN he isn't going to stop.

tmae · 17/04/2014 17:45

As a child I felt too shy to say no to people so had to have kisses that I hated and that made me feel very uncomfortable so it isn't as simple as they'll not let you (although as a baby/young toddler they will probably move away)

cardibach · 17/04/2014 17:46

Martorana my post wasn't clear, I'm sorry. I meant those telling the OP she WBU had said those things and tried to make it clear I didn't mean you personally - on re-reading I see I didn't do that at all
You did say this though: "the gut instinct seems to be that her PIL are paedophiles. Why isn't she at the police station?" which does suggest you think she is over sexualising things a bit, don't you think?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 17:47

So, Sirzy - if you had, for instance, read my previous post up further, you would have seen that I mentioned my FIL with no teeth, smelly breath and heavily nicotine-stained top lip kissing my newborn baby. As a newborn and with no choice in the matter, then she was effectively being "pinned-down", wasn't she, until I stepped in and stopped it.

I don't think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, I think I was stopping my baby being slobbered on, when she had no choice in the matter.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/04/2014 17:49

I do understand that some people don't like family lip kissing and don't think they're weird for not liking it. Relating it to sexual intentions screams "ishoos" to me but tbh, most people who don't like lip kissing just aren't used to it, thus it's not the norm for them.

For the sake of harmonious family relations, I'd say nothing. If your DD is uncomfortable, she will soon let them know.

2blackcats2 · 17/04/2014 17:50

Same, tmae

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 17:55

Well I am not sure why no teeth is relevant. The smoking I can understand more but even then a little kiss is hardly going to cause major issues

Martorana · 17/04/2014 17:59

"You did say this though: "the gut instinct seems to be that her PIL are paedophiles. Why isn't she at the police station?" which does suggest you think she is over sexualising things a bit, don't you think?"

She said she was shocked, uncomfortable, felt boundaries were being overstepped and that lip kissing was a romantic gesture only.
Is there a way of interpreting this which isn't sexual?

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 18:06

Well I am not sure why no teeth is relevant. The smoking I can understand more but even then a little kiss is hardly going to cause major issues

"No teeth" was relevant, because he had more uncontrollable spittle in his mouth than most people I've met. A "little kiss" would have caused issues because he had halitosis and could also have potentially passed on mouth infections. Babies and young children have not much say in who is or isn't permitted to kiss them on the mouth, so for me, that is an issue. If, when they grow older and choose to kiss relatives on the mouth, that would be their decision. Until they are old enough to decide, it is mine to protect them from bad breath and disease

Maybe in your opinion a "little kiss is hardly going to cause major issues", but in mine, they might.

cardibach · 17/04/2014 18:14

Yes, Martorana. SHe is uncomfortable because for her it is romantic and a bit shocked because she is not used to seeing it. She is uncomfortable. SHe recognises it is irrational as she doesn't think the PILs are paedophiles (as you suggest) but still feels uncomfortable. Don't you have any irrational feelings? No fear of spiders? Heights?

Original poster

Balistapus · 17/04/2014 18:15

Kissing on the lips , to me, is a form of sexual/ romantic contact. It is not to my PIL and many on this thread. Different cultures, even different families have different views on which acts are appropriate. I'm afraid that I am never, ever going to ' suck it up' and overide my protective instinct and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child.
I started this thread because I understood that I needed to be tactful when asking them not to do it again and so asked for advice in this. I have no issue with others kissing their children on the lips, but no-one is going to be kissing mine.

OP posts:

Bowlersarm · 17/04/2014 18:17

Cardi A fear of spiders or heights wouldn't prevent loving grandparents showing affection to their granddaughter in the way they would like to, so a bit of a red herring.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 17/04/2014 18:17

Personally, I don't like clowns or beards - total phobia for both. Absolutely irrational, everyone thinks I'm weird, but nothing I can do about it.

And if you don't want to be kissed on the mouth by someone, then you shouldn't have to.

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 18:18

So after arguing before it is nothing to do with the sexual stuff you are now proclaiming it is a sexual act - well in that case perhaps the PP was correct when suggesting you head to the police station and report it!

Martorana · 17/04/2014 18:19

"'m afraid that I am never, ever going to ' suck it up' and overide my protective instinct and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child."

So why haven't you told the police?

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 18:19

And if you don't want to be kissed on the mouth by someone, then you shouldn't have to.

Who has said someone should be forced to be kissed against their will? most people have pointed out children are very good at showing when they do and don't want to be kissed from a young age.

All people have said is that it is for the child to decide what they are comfy with when it comes to perfectly innocent acts not anyone else.

melrose87 · 17/04/2014 18:21

I think it's a bit strange TBH. I was never kissed on the lips as a child by anyone in my family but I've seen other families do it to their relatives. Just one of those family things but I wouldn't worry too much.

Bowlersarm · 17/04/2014 18:21

Just tell them, OP. You obviously don't give a stuff about hurting their feelings, so it shouldn't matter to you whether you upset them or not.

natwebb79 · 17/04/2014 18:22

You consider your child's grandparents giving them a peck on the cheek 'a sexual act'?? Fucking hell!

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/04/2014 18:24

"........override my protective instinct and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child."

Good god! You will destroy the relationship between grandparents and grandchild if you accuse them of performing a sexual act on your child. I mean this genuinely but have you been through a bad experience that would make you feel like this?

MirandaGoshawk · 17/04/2014 18:24

I remember another thread a couple of years ago very similar to this one. Similar POVs. Some like it. Some don't. Some don't mind. Just because the OP doesn't like it doesn't mean she is weird.

OP, I think what came out of the other thread was that you should tell your PIL that your DD is a bit sniffly - wouldn't kiss her if I were you, that kind of thing, and hope they just get out of the habit.

YANBU.

Gruntfuttock · 17/04/2014 18:24

natwebb79 that's rubbish. She didn't say that.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 17/04/2014 18:27

Grunt OP, said "and watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child."

Sirzy · 17/04/2014 18:28

Grunt, that is exactly what she said.

her exact words were "watch someone commit what I consider to be a sexual act on my child"

Martorana · 17/04/2014 18:28

As I said. Police-now.

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