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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 14/04/2014 14:42

I love my DH, no way could I work for him. He is bad enough when he is running fleets in a game we play together.

Listen to your instinct.

JessieMcJessie · 14/04/2014 14:46

Any chance you can give us a teeny clue what type of business it is? I am fascinated! Congratulations on a spectacular achievement and best of luck with the future.

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 14:52

Hi Jesse, sure :-) I import semi specialist goods from China and sell them on to other businesses in bulk.

I will be updating once I have had words with him.

First I am going to tell him he won't be working in my business in any way. Next I will ask when he is going to start paying towards DDs upkeep. I'm sure he will have some answers for all of this.

Thanks again for all the support - I honestly thought I was going to be told I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
nyldn · 14/04/2014 15:00

not a chance are you being unreasonable. protect yourself and what you've worked hard for...

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/04/2014 15:01

Oh oh oh I have another huge money spinner for you op

Tell tickets to witness this particular conversation I'm bloody sure judging my this thread alone you would fill the 02 as well as make a profit.

Best of luck, remember no is a complete sentence

Then call him a cab to take him to the far side of Fuck. Hmm

SlimJiminy · 14/04/2014 15:06

I'm so pleased you've kept us updated op - your replies have actually bought tears of relief to my eyes. I'm so glad we've helped you to see this 'man' for what he really is.

FWIW, I run my own business and my DH has been nothing other than completely and utterly, unquestionably supportive. He believes in me more than I believe in myself at times and is always there with words of encouragement during times of doubt (and there are many). He would never, EVER belittle my achievements in the way you've described or suggest taking over my business. There are so many ways this idiot could help you if he really wanted to help. But he doesn't, does he?

Please keep us posted!

lottiegarbanzo · 14/04/2014 15:08

Well done OP. Remember that if you find you do need some help in future, at work or at home, that's perfectly fine and you can hire the right person.

If he was trying to help he'd be coming round each evening, cooking and cleaning for you, or looking after dd while you have a nap. It sounds instead, as though he's trying to create a case that you need help, by leaving you to do everything.

Also he can think what he likes and feel you should feel whatever he likes. Those are his thoughts, nothing to do with you.

msrisotto · 14/04/2014 15:12

Good on you OP.

Thetallesttower · 14/04/2014 15:19

SlimJiminy my husband is also my biggest supporter in my career and has also put his money where his mouth is and worked part-time to look after dd2 when I started working full-time. If you are a true team, then supporting each other, including housework and childcare, is all on the table.

The fact that this guy's answer is get a cleaner, let me have the plum job says it all.

I hope it goes ok, OP, but remember, he can still be a parent even if he is not with you, don't stay with a man you don't love or even like very much and for goodness sake, don't ever jeopardize your financial security for him either, he doesn't sound like a keeper, sad to say.

nauticant · 14/04/2014 15:30

Tell him that since you wouldn't want him as an employee, it's made you realise that you'd definitely not want him as a life partner.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/04/2014 15:33

I actually laughed out loud when you put in the bit about him telling you you weren't coping :o

Of course he doesn't want you to be a single parent! If you were a single parent he would have the same amount of contact, no job perks and he would have to pay maintenance. You would have the same amount of work. All your own money as well as maintenance, and no emotional black mail.

He knows you want to leave, so he uses the only weapon he has, and that is your love for your daughter Angry what an utter bastard.

Inertia · 14/04/2014 15:35

So relieved that you can see that it's him being unreasonable, not you.

You really are doing an incredible job - running a business in these difficult times is already tough , but to do it with a newborn is a real feat. If he was any kind of partner he'd support you with things like the night waking and housework - but he doesn't actually want to be a support or a family man, he wants the high status role without putting in the hard yards.

You are not obliged to stay in a relationship with him on the basis that he is your child's father. He can still be a father without being your partner. Honestly, it's much better for your daughter to grow up with two parents who live separately than to live with parents who don't like each other and go through an acrimonious split and all kinds of legal wranglings.

CabbagesAndKings · 14/04/2014 15:43

Tell him that since you wouldn't want him as an employee, it's made you realise that you'd definitely not want him as a life partner

This!

Good luck OP, stick to your guns and imagine the relief when you no longer have him putting pressure on you

thebestnameshavegone · 14/04/2014 16:32

SlimJiminy and thetallesttower are right. I run my own business and am currently 24 weeks pregnant. my dh has been amazingly supportive and has helped me enormously with the things I was unsure about. I know the sector I work in very well but I was a lot less confident about the actual "business" side of things e.g. accounts, tax etc. he has never tried to take over or comment on the areas where he knows I have more experience but has always offered help and advice based on his knowledge of running a business. OP it sounds like your dp is trying to do the exact opposite. don't let him.

ChasedByBees · 14/04/2014 16:34

Urgh. He doesn't want you to give him a job, he wants to oust you so he can patronise you and undermine you further.

No thanks.

I'm not surprised you went off him.

If he puts you down this much while you're achieving way more than most people (way more than him) and still managing to raise your daughter single handedly, just think how much he'll destroy your self esteem if you went along with this! He wants you dependent on him so he can be the 'big man'. But he's not actually that impressive is he?

Peekingduck · 14/04/2014 16:39

Not often you get a thread in AIBU with everyone agreeing is it? Good on you Op. I must admit, I'll be watching out for your update. Thanks

JessieMcJessie · 14/04/2014 16:42

Thanks OP Grin .

littleredsquirrel · 14/04/2014 16:50

Until your post about not loving him I was actually going to go against the flow and say that if you love him and are committed to him and the plan is to move in together and be a family then if your salary is £200k and his is £30k (working six days a week), I can see why it wouldn't make sense for him to work. I was going to suggest he looks after your DD though.

However since you don't love him anyway I would also give it a massive NO!!!!!!

PeterParkerSays · 14/04/2014 17:02

littleredsquirrel, I think the £200k is the money being made by the business rather than her salary.

nauticant · 14/04/2014 17:22

littleredsquirrel, just imagine the OP's partner is a big grey squirrel and then you'll have a better sense of how she should view this.

Gen35 · 14/04/2014 17:29

It shows how just because he can say the words and try and undermine your confidence again and again, it doesn't make something true. Glad you're standing up to him, he sounds abusive and not at all supportive to me. A good partner would be helping more domestically, not giving themselves airs that they could do something you clearly have real talent for. Make sure he can't access your business files, contacts etc.

Hissy · 14/04/2014 17:31

If this guy gave up work and became SAHP, he could get residency AND claim maintenance from the OP.

If I were you, sleep I'd end it now, clean break and suggest he sort out maintenance payments before the CSA do.

expatinscotland · 14/04/2014 17:33

No way. Don't move in with him, either.

weatherall · 14/04/2014 17:34

There are so many ways this could go wrong.

The

Quinteszilla · 14/04/2014 17:38

Glad to hear you are beginning to see sense.

He has no qualifications to run your business. Yet, he wants to manage your business, he wants your job, and presumably also your salary. Can your business afford to pay your salary twice, to him and to you? Because presumably you would need something to live on, once he has your job? Presumably he will be an employee, with a contract, and as such will have holidays, pension scheme a negotiated contracted salary regardless of how well he performs in his role?

What will be left over for you? Or will you need to live on handouts from him? What if he makes bad business decisions? What if there is not enough in the company pot to pay your dividends?

It would be extremely foolish to employ him, purely because he tells you that A) you cant cope (clearly a lie, is it called gas-lighting?) and B) not employing him shows you dont have your dds interest at heart. (manipulative, emotional blackmail) What a fcuking insult! How dare he tell you this!

Your gut instinct was telling you something when you fell out of love.