To not agree to DP giving up his job?

[sleepismyfriend]

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

Please do not tie yourself to this free loader.
Set a good example to your DD and show her how to be a strong independent woman.
Keep your business and your home for you and your DD.
He sounds an absolute shocker. Really.

I've run a business for over twenty years with my husband, was mine now ours, we grew it into something big together.

It has been a massive advantage for the children, we made a point of sharing the parenting evenly, they have a great relationship with both of us, so one of us has always been on hand, and no child care.

sleep he does not sound attractive. or even likable.

No wonder you went off him sleep - he's dreadful!

Just wanted to shove my oar in as well - get yourself a cleaner and a gardener, and someone to do your ironing (unless you are one of those weird people who finds ironing therapeutic) , and watch your time with DD increase, and your ability to run your business improve becuase you're not trying to do everything else. You are very lucky in that you can prioritise the really important things in life (DD and the business) without having to bother too much about the little things.

Don't let this silly man spoil it for you. He needs to pay for his daughter, galling as it may be for him, but he doesnt need to elbow his way into your business to do it! Good luck.

If he seriously thought you couldn't cope, he should be asking what you want by way of help, not ordaining that he swans in and takes over whichever part of your life he fancies most. He could, for instance, take over child care, or contribute financially to getting a nanny or home help.

It also seems incredibly arrogant to think he could just take over your place in the business. If he had the get-up-and-go to start up and run a successful business, why hasn't he done so to date? It sounds very much as if he can see something successful that he wants a part of, mainly for selfish reasons, and he's trying to guilt-trip you into agreeing. I would be particularly concerned that if he came in you might lose your existing manager, who you are presumably perfectly happy with.

Well done OP. Sounds like you know what decision to make.

I think the protective feeling that you get when pregnant is probably why you've gone 'off' him. Subconsciously, you recognise that he is not the sort of person who will have you & DD's best interests at heart.

You'll be fine as a single parent. Like another poster said, you are in a good position- you can hire someone to clean etc, and you won't struggle the way you would if you had to take on a full time, NMW job.

I think you have some really lovely years ahead of you, actually. You'll have your DD all to yourself and can spend plenty of time with her, you'll have the pride/stimulation of running a business which doesn't infringe on your time as a parent,you'll also probably meet new friends through socialising with DD (some of my best friends were made at playgroups I went to with my DC 6 years ago)... you can build a fantastic, comfortable life together.

Just get rid of this dickwad first :D

Slight tangent but it may be relevant.
Many years ago when I had a new baby my husband turned down lots of work and travel opportunities on the grounds that 'it wasn't fair' on me or on our baby for him to be away. I was perfectly able to cope (holding down a full time job and travelling myself) and told him so but he insisted. It really damaged his career prospects and restricted our lives, which I resented, but it was all dressed up as supporting me (which I resented more being expected to be grateful for something I didn't want, hadn't asked for and saw as having a negative impact on our lives).

A few years down the line we found that he had a chronic health condition which really impacted on his daily well being. He'd been feeling grim for years, but his subconscious couldn't cope with it. Instead of saying 'I can't face this international travel' he was dressing it up as noble and positive,'I have to be there for whatdoi who needs me'. He genuinely didn't know he was doing it and feels very bad about it now but was in massive denial.

Could something similar be happening here? Not necessarily health but maybe feeling a bit lacking as you seem so in control and wanting to find a way to bring himself up to your perceived level? He might not even know he's doing it.

Straight talking worked in the end for me...

So basically, he has decided that you love him, he is insistent that you can't break up with him (because the children of single mothers are doomed in some non specific way), he has declared that you can't cope despite all evidence to the contrary, and now he has decided he's going to take over your job so you can spend more time changing nappies. Who does the cheeky fucker think he is? Is he actually aware that you're a real live human being capable of your own thoughts, feelings, and decisions? Stop letting him tell you what to do and what to think, OP. You and your daughter will he just grand without this waste of space thinking he's your boss.

The thing is- if he wants it- he can still be a great father. You are not depriving your dd of this in any way. I'm sure you wouldn't limit access, or not accept his payments, would you, so how are you preventing him being a great dad? (very unlikely he will start paying but you never know)

You clearly don't work as a couple, but try to see if you can reconfigure yourselves as a parenting team. My unfortunate suspicion is that once you make this clear, and that what you want is his time and energy as a father to your dd, then he will not stick around. I hope I'm wrong and that he does step up.

I think you are clinging to the ideal of a perfect two parent family- but in honest, this isn't what you've got (he doesn't live with you, doesn't pay, wants a good job without the work). I would let this fantasy go and live in the reality which is letting him know you are not going to work together or indeed be in a couple, but that he can still be a good dad if he wants to.

Oh lord, he can say that your dd is covered in purple and green stripes if he wants to.

It doesn't mean he's right.

Crikey, just no. This business is yours. And you are doing well. Do not add the complication of him. Absolutely not.

But what, did your H laugh at your for thinking you could cope? Sneer at you for being "superwoman"? Trying to manipulate you for his own financial advantage? Refuse to help around the house and/or contribute financially?

I'm not at all trying to downplay your former situation with your DH - I'm impressed at the way you dealt with it. But I think the OH's situation is different.

OP, I'm not a bit surprised you had to ask this question. When someone is convinced that they're in the right, and you're any way vulnerable (new baby, not enough sleep), it's amazing what you can be persuaded to believe is reasonable. I think you've done well to listen to your gut feeling and to ask for outside views and then to take them on board.

He sounds horrible. He is undermining your confidence, which is utterly ridiculous as just look at all you have accomplished. Dump him, make a CSA claim, and all the best for the continued success of your business. Your DD will clearly be just fine - do not listen to a word of that crap from him!

You don't love him or live with him, he contributes nothing to his daughter's living costs and you feel pressured by him to do things you don't think are right.

Yet you were considering living and working with him 24/7 and handing over control of your business to him?

The guy is good at mind games isn't he?

I'm glad you asked about this on MN.

If he's going to swan in and take away your job from you, what does he think that you're going to 'go back' to when you have 'finished ML' ?

Keep doing the job you love and are clearly good at, get some gardening/cleaning assistance to free up your days a bit more and get him to start providing some maintenance - even if you set up a bank account for your DC with it in so that they'll have a decent sum available in the future.

Hmm. I think it's a big generalisation to say couples that work together are boring!

DH and I work together, with my father. It works well.

BUT it came from all of us working in the industry individually first. Its an area we are all passionate about separately and for different reasons, it was a very organic thing not manufactured.

This feels more manufactured.

You are not his way out of him hating his job.

Leave
The
Bastard.

But I think you already know that.

He's sounds utterly vile.

I think you are a bit like SuperWoman. You seem to be handling it all very well. Kudos to you.

Don't try do it 'all'. Your Dd and Business are the priorities, I guess that leaves your house, and things to keep others happy, P included.

I recommend finding a good cleaner and a good babysitter.

I agree with the many posters who think he sounds like bad news. He should be supporting you, emotionally and financially. He should be proud of your achievements, and support you in what you want to do.

Hi op

I've had a think about your last post with ref to your going off him once you knew you were pregnant.

I wonder if pre pregnancy you knew you always had the choice to dump him when the time came, you probably unconsciously knew he was not a long term prospect, but ok for the moment.

But once pregnant and knowing you were keeping the baby, it also meant your choice to have nothing to do with him in the future was kind of taken away from you. You've been forced by circumstances to make the best of a bad lot, not your daughter obviously, but minimising and denying how you really felt about him might have let the guilt in he is feeding you.

It seems your an optimist and perhaps think ahh I can make this work my daughter deserves this. While he is an opportunist and he comes from the she has my kid now and that means she's vulnerable and stuck with me, to get rid of me is going to cost her.

I suspect offering to move in and you pay him to be a nanny, or SAHP, this gives him rights then and his feet under the table, plus ingratiating himself in your daughters life against you, and not in a nice daddy way, she is his meal ticket.

As Biblio wrote

"When someone is convinced that they're in the right, and you're any way vulnerable (new baby, not enough sleep), it's amazing what you can be persuaded to believe is reasonable. I think you've done well to listen to your gut feeling and to ask for outside views and then to take them on board."

Don't feel bad for not seeing what he is doing to you, so hard to work it out when you're sleep deprived, and in uncharted waters with your own hopes dreams and expectations weighing in to sway your thinking - and someone manipulating all of this in a very skilled way.

Sounds like you're trying to do the right thing, and want to do everything right for your baby, and he's using your fear of getting it wrong or being selfish to put pressure on you.

Only you can try and work out why you went off him when you became pregnant... But it does fit that when your life changes and you have this amazing tiny and vulnerable being growing inside you, that your values and standards will shift. What was ok for yourself, or things you put up with and hoped would change, suddenly become unacceptable when you are looking at a lifelong partner and father vs someone to go out with and rub along with.

I can see a kind of power dance going on - with you stepping back and him stepping forwards... And him using every trick in the book to keep his status with you. I would feel sorry for him ... Except his tactics are underhand and show a basic disrespect for you - so I really don't feel sorry for him at all!

You could lose your company if the relationship doesn't work. If you split up you will want to sack him, and if he claims against you for unfair dismissal it could bankrupt your company even if he doesn't win his claim. And let's face it, the relationship is not looking good, you are trying and failing to like him even though he's not likeable, and he sees you as a resource to be tapped not a person to be loved and cherished.

My favourite sausage company has closed, it was a family company of two or three generations. One of the wives of the family also worked for the company and when she and her H divorced she was sacked. She won her unfair dismissal claim (it really was very unfair as I think she had worked there for over a decade) and the company has since folded. But if the company had never employed her she would have worked elsewhere, then on divorce she would still have had a job and the company wouldn't have had an expensive court case.

He's sounds like he's trying to get his grubby hands on your business.

No. Fucking. Chance!

Tell him you want to break up because you don't love him-presuming you don't-he can't make you love him?!

Your instincts probably made you go off him because you could tell he was a woman-hating chancer. Is he very good looking or something? He's definitely abusive - he belittles you, harasses you and is trying to take you for a ride financially. At the root of it will be his unshakeable belief that he is your superior, because he has a penis and you do not. He is determined to put you in your place and force you into submissive compliance.

Dump his sorry arse. It's fine to do this. Inform him that you will be applying to the CSA to make him pay maintenance and that you will set up a contact schedule for him to see DD (if you think you can trust him to look after her unsupervised). Get structures in place to keep him at a distance, because a man who hates women this much will become more unpleasant when he sees he's been rumbled; you will need to keep him out of the house in case he steals or damages property and you may have to guard against physical attack.