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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to DP giving up his job?

410 replies

sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 09:36

I will try to be brief.

We have a 3 month old baby.

Prior to baby I was building up my business and worked until the day I have birth. Business is now booming and I am very lucky to have a good team behind me who take care of the day to day running of the business. I am at home with our baby and whilst I do have to put some work hours in, I can do it from home and DD is my absolute priority. I mainly work when she has settled down for the night.

DP and I don't live together but we are making a go of things and we do intend to live together within a year,

DP is employed and doesn't like his job. He wants to give it up and work for me. I am not keen on this as I would feel guilty if for any reason the business didn't work, and at least with an employed position he can guarantee how much he earns - my business is only 18 months old and so I don't feel completely secure about it yet.

DP is constantly saying how I'm doing to much, insinuates that I must be stressed all day having to juggle work an DD (I'm not) and that he wants to work for the business and basically take over in a managerial type role.

AIBU to not allow this? Apart from l the security / financial aspects of it, I have built my business up from scratch and don't want him coming along taking all the credit now that's its really taking off. Am I being selfish? I'm not sure if I will be going back full time to work there as I am very happy working from home and looking after DD - it doesn't mean he has to take over though does it?

If it makes any difference, he earns approx 30k PA in a 45 hour a week job. My business profits are approx 200k PA.

Some outside perspectives on this would be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 20:12

I have now spoken to him about paying maintenance.
He said he was confused - why do I need it? Have I changed my mind about living together in the future? What would I be spending the money on? Could he just put something aside himself?

Then... You're blowing hot and cold. What has happened for you to ask me this now? Surely you don't need the money? I thought your business was doing well.

OP posts:
theQuibbler · 14/04/2014 20:13

Shock Cheeky fecker! You are doing so, so well - how dare he suggest that you are "not coping".

I am glad that you are able to see the situation more clearly.

Be prepared for all manner of nonsense coming out of his mouth about how you and your daughter "need" him, and ignore it all.

It's not going to be easy, but you are a strong and capable woman, and you will come out of this the other side with everything intact and the added bonus of this deadbeat not impinging on your life. It's all to play for - good luck!

Original poster
sleepismyfriend · 14/04/2014 20:14

Oh and then - I think you're being really out of order, you can't be thinking straight.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 14/04/2014 20:14

Why doesn't he want to pay for his child?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 20:14

Well, why does he need to NOT pay it?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/04/2014 20:15

"Oh and then - I think you're being really out of order, you can't be thinking straight."

We call this gas lighting.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 14/04/2014 20:15

What did you answer? Does he tell you what you are thinking a lot?

You need to tell him what he's thinking back.

theQuibbler · 14/04/2014 20:16

What a fool - he's not nearly as clever as he thinks he is.

You need to work out what you want and just inform him of it, because he wants to play games and I'm certain you do not have the time, energy or inclination to get involved with him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/04/2014 20:17

Well you'd be spending it on his dd Hmm.

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 14/04/2014 20:17

I'm raging on your behalf. I would have just snapped, well let's see if the courts agree with you.

SybilRamkin · 14/04/2014 20:19

What did he say about the business? Well done you for asking for maintenance!

magoria · 14/04/2014 20:20

What would you be spending the money on?

Nappies
Childrens clothing
electricty/gas to heat hot water/provide lighting/heat food for a child
petrol to take a child to Dr/dentist etc
milk/food (when older)
bedding

How big a list do you want!

It is not what would you spend it on it is

SUPPORT YOUR OWN FUCKING CHILD YOU SELFISH WASTE OF SPACE

BigChocFrenzy · 14/04/2014 20:20

Best case: he wants to quit his dead-end job and freeload

Likely: he wants to elbow you out of the business you've built.

Probable outcomes: He crashes your fledgeling business OR You split up, he takes part of it

antipasty · 14/04/2014 20:20

You're being out of order!!!!! Shock

How has he got the front to say that to you? Does he not realise that it is fairly common for most fathers to contribute something towards their children?

LanaStraightLeg · 14/04/2014 20:23

So glad you ran it through the MN barometer, OP. Hope chat goes well this evening.

UncleT · 14/04/2014 20:25

Definitely do NOT let him come and work for you. YANBU. Every fibre of my gut screams warnings over this one.

LanaStraightLeg · 14/04/2014 20:25

Ooh, see I x-posted. Why has it not occurred to him to put some money aside for his own child already??

StandsOnGoldenSands · 14/04/2014 20:26

Another vote for cocklodger I'm afraid OP.
You sound like you've got a cracking business going, and your dd lives with you alone anyway, what difference would breaking up with him make to her?! He doesn't even help to financially support her!

Listen to your instincts - you don't want to be with him so don't be. You are entitled to choose not to be with him you know Smile

eightandthreequarters · 14/04/2014 20:27

LTB! LTB! And get straight onto the CSA, who will explain to him in detail why he needs to pay maintenance for his child. That'll save you having to speak to him any further about it.

WitchWay · 14/04/2014 20:27

"You're not thinking straight" Angry

Wantsunshine · 14/04/2014 20:28

Just read the whole thread and a rare unanimous you are not being unreasonable! I cannot believe he won't pay a penny toward his own child, shocking. It does not matter if you had won the Euromillions he would still have to pay toward his child.
I would be seriously rethinking the relationship. He sounds terrible.

ChickyEgg · 14/04/2014 20:30

Oh. Dear. God. He thinks he doesn't have to provide for his child because you earn a decent wage??

PiratePanda · 14/04/2014 20:32

"You can't be thinking straight."

Gaslighting of the first order. That would make steam come out of my ears.

You ARE thinking straight. You are putting your DD first. That means your business needs to thrive. That means you need to be in charge of it, and he can fuck off and then fuck off some more.

Grrrr. Keep your eye on the ball OP; don't let him break your concentration.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/04/2014 20:32

Hes a twat.

Good that he's shown his true colours now.

Twat!

iamsoannoyed · 14/04/2014 20:33

YANBU

Go with your gut instincts on this one. It doesn't sound like a good idea, TBH. It's totally understandable to want to take the credit for your successes- and you've done the hard graft and taken all the risk too.

It's your business, you have a team you trust and who work well together. Do you even need another manager?

I think you have to appoint staff on the basis of their merits, not their personal relationship with you (I can tell you know this)- and what will your other staff members think if he just gets parachuted into a senior management position?

Does your DP have experience in running a business? If not, this is an even worse idea. I think it sounds all a bit "convenient" for him- he doesn't like his job, but rather than do something positive about it he'll just take over the management of your business. It's not like he's even willing to take a more junior position and work his way up. I'm afraid I'd be saying "No, I'm happy with the set-up we have at the moment and I don't need any additional help as I'm managing just fine". And make sure he understands it

There are too many "what ifs" with negatives, for my liking. What happens if things don't work out between you? Or what if he business goes under- you'll both be without an income. What if he does a crap job- how will you feel then? And what would you do if he wasn't very good at managing your business- e.g. could you face sacking him/over-ruling him if need be? What if he caused the business to go under?