AIBU to have challenged OH on treatment of our baby

[HuskyBlueEyes]

Hello mumsnetters.. Basically my LG is a little over a month old. Tonight is my OH third night of night feeds. Which he argues about quite a lot. I've woken up to the baby utterly shouting her head off and him telling her to shut the fuck up. He also got the arse and 'quite' roughly changed her vest and sleep suit because she piddled. She does cry at a change I've learnt to accept that from the beginning. She's also slept four hours!!! Which is amazing from her usual 2. So I got up and pointed this out and that sues just hungry, picking up on his anger and getting upset herself. He's told me to fuck off and walked off. Was I being U? I can't remember actually being frustrated to that extent with her getting used to night feeds myself. Yes I got frustrated but not to use rougher movements with her or swear. Am I being pfb I guess. May I add he didn't physically hurt her.

If this is your only child then I think YABU.You can catch up during the day -lie in in the morning cuddling the baby and dozing.He can't.Don't judge someone for being sleep deprived.

Sorry keepcalm, I don't think that is the point. If he is behaving like this when one can honestly say that the baby is not being bad, how will he behave when his child does start to misbehave?

Husky, the fact you don't live together changes my perception of this. He is being very unreasonable then as he must have many nights of uninterrupted sleep.

OP, you do understand that you should be able to trust him with her at any given second of the day and night, don't you? And do you also understand that anyone who can't be trusted 100%, 24-7 with your child, shouldn't be trusted with them at all. You say you love her, and I don't doubt that for one second, but you are not doing the best for her by ketting her grow up with a father whose protection is conditional, who will shout at her and potentially risk her life (rough handling can cause disabilities, brain damage and even death. It's a horrifically common occurence). What kind of damsge do you think it will do for her to grow up with the message that her father is only safe to be around, will only be loving to her, when everything is going his way, and he's not troubled in any way? It's pretty much ensuring that she'll be a victim of abuse all her life, from school bullying to domestic abuse as an adult.

Everything nice he does for you or her means absolutely nothing in the face of him handling her roughly and the rest. It wouldn't, for example, restore her sight if he she went blind from rough handling (one of the most common things to happen as a result of rough handling).

One last point - she won't remember his poor treatment of her, but it will affect her. Being treated like that will raise her cortisol levels massively, making her anxious, clingy, 'difficult', etc.

you have to put your child first. that means he does not do nightimes. you also need to consider whether he will be safe around your child long term. you will survive the nights. promise. been there with dd. use a safe adult for back up. talk to your mum.

Keep calm that is such awful nonsense - it is really really exhausting to do every single night - and please don't characterise looking after a newborn as some sort of relaxing holiday - what a joke.

Looking after a baby is hard work - women need help in making sure they get some night time sleep or support in the day - traditionally women would have had large communities around them not been expected to be up with a baby all night then look after them alone all day

I have never felt as awful in my life as when my baby was waking all night long - and I had support from my partner

The op is asking for a night a week of support - if he has not been doing it much then her dp is not suffering a build up of sleep deprivation

I hate the myth that you can somehow cope with the Torture of sleep deprivation by sitting on the sofa! You need actual sleep to function not just rest

Thanks, Husky. I hope that you won't be offended if I say that your OH sounds young for his age and not ready to have sole care of such a tiny baby -day or night especially when he's tired, emotional, hungover or stressed in any way.

And that's tricky for you because he's her dad and he's likely to be upset if he's not trusted to take care of her, on his own. And secondly, that puts all the caring responsibility on your shoulders.

If your LG was mine I'd not let your OH look after her again unless there was another adult present eg his mum. And probably, not one of his mates, either.

Lots of good advice above on how to take care of yourself so that you don't become exhausted/ground down by being the sort of mum you want to be.

He's not allowed to take her to see his friends. His friends are friends with silly little girls who will manhandle her. His mum has met her twice. I'm the poster a while back referring to her jack Russells and smoking. She doesn't see LO unless we mutually meet up.
When I say rough I will explain better. I woke up because I heard him say 'Oh shut the fuck up (LG name)' then as I was focusing eyed wise he was pulling her vest over her head without supporting her properly which made her panic and wail. He then quite sharply put her arms through no nonsense style and made her wail more (hates arms restricted for even a second) then he picked her up quickly impatiently bouncing her up and down leant against his shoulder. That's even he turned around and saw me sitting up glaring at him. I insisted on taking her to which he gave her to me quickly which as I was tired I could have dropped her but luckily didn't and she settled within a few secs. I then try to say how awful it looked to him then telling me to fuck off.
Figured a clearer picture may help.

Yeah, that helps. It makes it even clearer that he is not fit to look after her. Not supporting the head and neck of a baby that young? Disgusting. If you don't and can't trust him when your baby is at her most vulnerable, you can't - and should NOT - be trusting him at all.

If I was in your shoes there'd be no more sleepovers for him. Is your dm supportive? I have a family member with a baby about your age and her dm does the early mornings a few days a week for her.

Oh gosh...just read your last post...that is dreadful.

If I'm up and down a lot on the night, I will say 'for fuck sake ds' not too him, usually just so my DH hears that I'm up yet again- even if only to put the dummy back in. My DH never ever did a night feed, I believe some people just can't do it and he was one of those, so after seeing how moody he was getting woken up and decided that night feeds where my job. He's great with everything else and the sleepless nights don't last forever. Obviously if he is short tempered all the time then get out but some people are just very very grumpy wakers. If he is good at everything else with baby and you trust him during the day alone then maybe take the hit of the night feeds?

He only has to shake her a little harder to cause brain damage. If he isn't remorseful or recognizes what he doing he needs to leave .
Ask your hv about rough handling babies.

Do you think you will let OH look after her on his own, again, Husky?

It does sound very worrying when she's still so tiny and fragile. It's a shame his mum's not sensible/helpful.

How about your DM? Do you have any sisters/aunts for support??

In no universe would I let that man near me or my baby. What he did was awful, but the lack of insight as to his wrongdoing by himself is equally worrying.

There was a guy in the states, a young father, who bit the nose off his newborn because they wouldn't settle? He said he was tired and the baby wouldn't shut up.

Horrific.

DS didn't sleep much. One night we were both beyond tiredness. DP was rocking DS in his arms and I was lying down, waiting for milk to come in so that I could try and feed again. As I started to doze off I heard DP say "For Fucks Sake go to sleep." I sat bolt upright and said "Don't speak to my son like that. Give him to me or I am leaving you." He handed him over, left the room and returned a bit later having had a cry. He apologised profusely to both of us and he never said or did anything like that again.
So I see how this can happen when you are both knackered. It's how he behaves after this loss of control that is important.

I really couldnt stand to be near someone who could talk or act like that around their newborn baby,i dont know why you would want to be anywhere near him,get away from him before it gets worse.

nilbyname was it really necessary to mention that,thanks a lot ill have that in my head all night now.

Keep him away from your baby. He's not fit to look after her. He's a nasty piece of shit. Sorry but your child's welfare takes precedence over everything.

I apologise, it is horrible, and I am sorry that it has upset you.

It's very very wrong to place your child in danger. Remember that. As a parent you have full responsibility to care for that child and ensure no harm comes to them.

op talk to your hv.

He simply sounds not ready. Parenting is 24/7 and being good in the day doesn't cut it.

Your most recent posts seem a bit different in tone. Are you coming to a conclusion? Your priority is clearly to your wee girl and you obviously have her every need at heart.

We all have our moments but if his behaviour made you question him at all then you need to act.

I think I too would be inclined not to trust your DP with the baby at night again. Could he help you during the day? Look after her while you slept or get you snacks and meals?

My dd is almost 8 months old and I did all the night feeds as I ebf. I also didnt want my DH driving on the motorway everyday being sleep deprived because of the likelihood of an accident.

I remember spending hours lying on the sofa watching TV during the day as I could only sleep at night. I had a bottle of water next to me, some biscuits and meals prepared in the fridge. I had a csection so my DH did all the housework as I just looked after dd. I used to go to bed at 9pm and go downstairs at 11am after I had managed to squeeze in some more sleep. My dd was very easy until 8 weeks when she got colic and my DH then had to walk her round in the evening while I rested. He would then hand her to me at 11pm before going to sleep. It's hard and I hope you get the support and help you need.

OK, so now you've posted a clearer picture. What's not clear is whether or not you think that post explains and somehow justifies the way he behaved. If you think it does you really need to think again because you have described a very dangerous situation for your baby. I'm a bit concerned because you say that you tried to explain to him how awful it "looked". It didn't look awful - it was awful, terrible and abusive. That was your cue to take your baby and either remove him from the premises or get her to a place of safety.
If you don't think his behaviour was acceptable in any way, then I suppose it would be reassuring for people to know that you're taking action to keep her safe.

No, he was totally in the wrong. If I were you and wanted to stay with him then I would take the burden of the nights myself. Sure you don't want to hear that but it doesn't sound like he is suitable for that job. Get him to look after her while you have a nap during the day.