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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have challenged OH on treatment of our baby

159 replies

HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 05:02

Hello mumsnetters.. Basically my LG is a little over a month old. Tonight is my OH third night of night feeds. Which he argues about quite a lot. I've woken up to the baby utterly shouting her head off and him telling her to shut the fuck up. He also got the arse and 'quite' roughly changed her vest and sleep suit because she piddled. She does cry at a change I've learnt to accept that from the beginning. She's also slept four hours!!! Which is amazing from her usual 2. So I got up and pointed this out and that sues just hungry, picking up on his anger and getting upset herself. He's told me to fuck off and walked off. Was I being U? I can't remember actually being frustrated to that extent with her getting used to night feeds myself. Yes I got frustrated but not to use rougher movements with her or swear. Am I being pfb I guess. May I add he didn't physically hurt her.

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 10/04/2014 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nancyandsid · 10/04/2014 10:03

It's a fine balance. Op needs sleep otherwise maybe pushed into PND which can be very serious. DH needs more sleep midweek if he commutes by car. At weekends he is perfectly capable of safely doing the lions share of feeds to give his exhausted partner a break. But he really just has to be accepting of the crying/waking. I would tell him that being rough with dd is totally unacceptable and you will be contacting your HV if you ever see him behave in such a way again.

Nancyandsid · 10/04/2014 10:05

Broken hearted I am under the impression that the mother rolls with the wakings but just wants a tiny bit of support at weekends do she can catch up on her sleep.

Nancyandsid · 10/04/2014 10:06

I could never nap in the day sadly but most of my friends were the same.

Mamagiraffe · 10/04/2014 10:07

Men can get PND too. Talk to your HV if you're concerned.

sebsmummy1 · 10/04/2014 10:13

Nancy I really struggled to nap in the day too, it was like my adrenaline had kicked in and I was hearing insect noises I was so finely honed to noise.

What helped me in the end was the co-sleeping so I actually could sleep in the night and wax ear plugs to block out any noise when I knew my son was safe and this was the time for me to sleep. If I didn't wear ear plugs I just couldn't settle as I was listening out all the time.

sebsmummy1 · 10/04/2014 10:13

Nancy I really struggled to nap in the day too, it was like my adrenaline had kicked in and I was hearing insect noises I was so finely honed to noise.

What helped me in the end was the co-sleeping so I actually could sleep in the night and wax ear plugs to block out any noise when I knew my son was safe and this was the time for me to sleep. If I didn't wear ear plugs I just couldn't settle as I was listening out all the time.

ikeaismylocal · 10/04/2014 10:25

I also couldn't sleep in the day but the first 6 months of ds's life I felt like I was on some crazy energy giving drugs constantly, 4 hours sleep would have been amazing and more than enough for me ( usually I need 8 hours to avoid being a grumpy cow) I think it was either the post birth hormones or breastfeeding hormones.

Now ds is 1 if he wakes in the night ( which is unusual) I feel like death the morning after.

I did the night feeds because I was bf but also because I felt more able to cope than dp.

If dp was rough with my child or me I would leave and never come back.

Tinkerball · 10/04/2014 10:38

OP what were things like before the baby came along between you? You will know yourself if this is pretty normal behaviour for him or relatively new.

DomesticSlobbess · 10/04/2014 11:00

If DP had told our newborn baby to "shut the fuck up" and handled him roughly while changing him because he was angry, I would have been out that door with our baby that very moment.

What happens the next time he's angry? Maybe next time he'll been angrier than this time. "May I add he didn't physically hurt her" doesn't make me feel any better about this situation OP. You need to speak to him about his anger before he snaps and something DOES happen! I'm obviously talking worst-case scenario here. But his attitude needs to be address immediately.

Your DD is a tiny baby with no concept of day or night. She's not waking him up on purpose. It's what babies do. I had nights of being in tears because DS wouldn't sleep and instead just cried and cried. I felt totally clueless. But I have never, ever been angry at DS for waking up.

Joysmum · 10/04/2014 12:24

Sleep deprivation changes people. Both DH & I struggled hugely for the first couple of months after our first DC was born and we were both incredibly unreasonable! The important thing is to make sure your DD is safe, and if he can't cope he just puts her in her cot while he takes a minute to calm down. If he's unable to do this and you think she's actually in danger, then obviously you need to get help.

Perfect advice. Pets ally I think everyone had their moments and I'm amazed at the amount of perfect parents on here who have clearly never admitted they've been frustrated.

I found parenting classes brilliant at reaffirming I was doing ok, and giving me strategies for when times were tough.

Original poster
HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 15:33

My OH is great in the day with her can deal with her fine as a rule. I can't really sleep in the day it seems as soon as i fall asleep she wakes up.. losing battle there.
I've spoke to him about an hour ago and he's acting rather ashamed. He will not be doing night feeds again though as I just can't trust him when tired.

Oh and as for you broken hearted you can fuck off. I love my child to pieces she's the most important thing in my life you presumptuous cow.

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 10/04/2014 15:43

If you do love her to pieces you'd better watch out next time she pisses him off then.

SpanishLady · 10/04/2014 15:54

Ok ok, cool down folks, husky just wanted a sounding board - I don't think it's fair to suggest she doesn't very much love and does a great job looking after her LO - if she didn't would she bother posting?

Husky, as others said its knackering! I have also wanted to cry with fatigue and stress of it - my dh sings lullabies but changes the words eg to baa baa black sheep: ' baby, baby just bloody sleep!' Etc

You did the right thing pulling your other half up me and my dh do it all the time - I'm grateful when my dh pulls me up as helps to make me try harder and better.

Good luck. If you notice other behaviour or anything that makes you nervous don't ignore it though, posters are right to warn of the danger a moment anger can cause and she is very very small.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 10/04/2014 15:58

Sorry Spanish, you're right.

I'd still be keeping him well away from her though OP.

maddening · 10/04/2014 15:58

thebody - she isn't asking for night feeds when he is working - it is on a Saturday night and then a once off for a funeral - this isn't your life experience and her husband isn't going to work the next day.

TheCowThatLaughs · 10/04/2014 16:24

Your dp got what he wanted then, op? No more night feeds for him. What if there's something else he doesn't want to do with his child though? What if he doesn't want to look after her during the day? How can you trust him?

Original poster
HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 16:56

I know I've said he's broke all trust. I mean I admit she has a very shrill scream but what excuse is that? I deal with it just fine.
Tbh he gives her maybe one cuddle maybe two a day and changes her bum when pestered asked. Getting real tired of the lack of attention she gets when I'm there anyway. I went to the funeral was gone from 9-2. He said first two hours were stressful but afterwards she was a gem. I then told him 9-11 is her most active him and I usually put her on mat. If he'd listened weeks ago he'd know that. I can trust him in the day no problem, it's nights I really can't. You should see me try and get him up for work some mornings :S

OP posts:
thebody · 10/04/2014 17:04

Thanks for that maddening much appreciated.

I was actually talking to another poster as you are allowed to on the threads as I had already given my advice/ support to the op on my previous posts.

It's great we have posters like you though to sort us all out.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 10/04/2014 17:39

Why do you have to get him up for work Confused are you his mum?

Original poster
HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 17:47

No he ignores his alarms. I have to encourage him.

OP posts:
ada09 · 10/04/2014 17:52

Hello Husky May I ask what age is your OH? Not being snide about you getting him up for work - just wondered.

selsigfach · 10/04/2014 18:00

Giving your daughter one or two cuddles does not make him a "great" dad. His attitude towards your daughter is appalling. Don't excuse his behaviour. Can you go and stay with your mum?

Original poster
HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 18:36

I'm not excusing his behaviour. He's 20. I live at my mums. He stays over a few nights a week. Which is worse because the other 5 days he goes home and has a lovely whole nights sleep.

OP posts:
RedandChecker · 10/04/2014 18:47

When I was seventeen years old I had my DS. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for. He was a terrible baby, up every two hours for an hour. He is now 4.6 and started sleeping through about two months ago. So over four years of sleepless nights Grin it was tiring, it was a shock, but neither me or DP every yelled or were rough with our tiny baby. I am not a prefect parent by any means but if this had happened between my DP and DS I would have left and wouldn't be back till he had actively got help to deal with the issues and how to cope with this new little life. A month is very early days - what happens next time? What happens to your relationship? Would you feel comfortable letting him look after her on his own for any length of time? I would be worried, and I would be wanting him to go and speak to somebody because there is a long road ahead