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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have challenged OH on treatment of our baby

159 replies

HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 05:02

Hello mumsnetters.. Basically my LG is a little over a month old. Tonight is my OH third night of night feeds. Which he argues about quite a lot. I've woken up to the baby utterly shouting her head off and him telling her to shut the fuck up. He also got the arse and 'quite' roughly changed her vest and sleep suit because she piddled. She does cry at a change I've learnt to accept that from the beginning. She's also slept four hours!!! Which is amazing from her usual 2. So I got up and pointed this out and that sues just hungry, picking up on his anger and getting upset herself. He's told me to fuck off and walked off. Was I being U? I can't remember actually being frustrated to that extent with her getting used to night feeds myself. Yes I got frustrated but not to use rougher movements with her or swear. Am I being pfb I guess. May I add he didn't physically hurt her.

OP posts:
Ilovexmastime · 10/04/2014 07:21

OP you are in no way being PFB! Your OH should not be treating your DD in this way it is completely unacceptable. As others have said, talk to your HV and ask for help.

Electriclaundryland · 10/04/2014 07:24

He's being an arsehole. The only thing I can suggest is getting you both to a babygroup. Do you have NCT friends or anything like that? It saved our lives with ds1 when we all got together and spoke to other new parents about how difficult it was with a newborn and we found out everyone felt the same. He might benefit from hearing what other dads are doing so he's not 'poor me_ing' and blaming you. Unless he's a complete bastard that is.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 10/04/2014 07:25

I would be out of there with my child so fast you would not see my arse for dust. Seriously!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 10/04/2014 07:26

What's he like before you had the baby. Does he often treat you like this? Has he apologised?

RedFocus · 10/04/2014 07:29

It's not a case of if I do it badly then I won't get asked to do it again. He was doing it while the op slept so if she had stayed asleep she would never have known of his mistreating the baby. It is really bad what he was doing. I couldn't trust him with the baby again if that's what happens when he gets frustrated. What happens when he's babysitting for you and he's playing on his Xbox but the baby needs something and won't stop crying and he gets frustrated again. HV is your best bet and obviously it's down to you to do the night feeds from now on.
I BF all my kids so I did all the night feeds and I survived so can you op.

LindyHemming · 10/04/2014 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FutTheShuckUp · 10/04/2014 07:31

Did he want the baby? Was it a planned pregnancy

aermingers · 10/04/2014 07:43

I wouldn't think he was safe to be left alone with her. If he works 5 days a week he should be giving you one night off.

However it sounds from your post like he might be working six. When my baby was the same age my husband was doing six days and a night up with the baby purely because he wanted to. It was too much he got absolutely knackered and ended up having quite a serious accident at work and breaking his leg because he was exhausted.

I don't think it would be totally safe to blame it on sleep deprivation but if he is doing 6 days a week working in all honesty it really is untenable to do six days working week then a night shift with a baby.

Theas18 · 10/04/2014 07:45

Very scared by your last comment

"may I add he didn't physically hurt her"

Are you waiting for him to do so before you act? That could be too late.

Take him off " baby duties" and have a calm chat when he's not sleep deprived. When you've a new baby sleep IS short. It wont get better for a while. If he can't do one night without swearing /being rough I'm not sure there is a role for him in your family TBH. but maybe he just hasn't actually realised that?

NearTheWindymill · 10/04/2014 07:51

So no-one no this thread then has ever, in complete despair, told a screaming fractious baby to shut and be quiet (I don't swear so wouldn't to a baby or anyone else but appreciate swearing is just part of some people's subconscious). It needs a calm discussion not total over-reaction in my opinion.

If this baby were being EBF then the father would not even be sharing the night feeds. Regardless of whether he worked or not.

fluffyraggies · 10/04/2014 08:03

nearthewindymill - i think in all honesty many of us have muttered stuff under our breath/spoken harshly/perhaps needed to lay the baby down in the cot and walk away for a little while when baby has been screaming for ages.

What the op is describing sounds a bit different though. The baby is only a month old, had just woken from a four hour sleep and the DH has only done night feeds twice before.

OP - please dont let him deal with the baby anymore. For your DDs sake. It's not about 'fairness' now, its about her safety. Please seek some help from a HV, midwife, or GP. Who ever you feel comfortable talking to.

MrsDrRanj · 10/04/2014 08:08

nearthewindymill I really don't understand how your last comment is relevant at all? Unless you're trying to make a dig about not breastfeeding?

OP, as others have said this needs to be taken seriously. Don't wait for it to get worse before you act - you'd never forgive yourself if something happened to your baby. Your mothers instincts are telling you this is wrong for a reason. The early months are bloody hard but there is no good reason for swearing and handling a newborn roughly. Please keep your baby safe and speak to somebody who can help you both.

Enjoy your time with your little baby, he sounds like an arsehole.

thebody · 10/04/2014 08:11

We'll I would have dropped on my knees and converted to religion if any if my new norms slept for a 4 hour stretch. You can cope with a 4 hour sleep.

I did on occasions wake up to mine and swear, not at them but at the wall and I have smacked the wall. That way the frustration goes out of you

Can't imagine anyone ever being anything but gentle to a time baby,

Please get your baby away from this man. Toddlers try the patience far far more and he can't be trusted can he.

KatyN · 10/04/2014 08:13

One month is VERY early days. Also if it's only his third night shift ever he might be struggling with the logistics and being woken up from a deep sleep - you have had 27 of these nights so are probably a LOT better trained.
I would worry and have serious words if you think there is a problem, if you are at all worried for your baby's safety, run for the hills.
However, if this isn't his usual behaviour I might be tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt (If my dh acted like this it would be so out of character I would wonder what was wrong with him). Is this your first child? Maybe rather than your DH doing one night a week, he could do a day for you to catch up on sleep? we didn't really spend much time as a couple or even as a family when my son was little (possibly as long as 6 months). We decided it was better to get enough sleep so we were often a tag team on the weekend - the bed was always warm!!

I hope the funeral goes smoothly for you today - do try to take it easy, you must be under a lot of stress

kxx

Ilovexmastime · 10/04/2014 08:17

I think what concerns me near is that when challenged on his behaviour he also told the OP to fuck off. Now, I have got frustrated and may have sworn under my breath at the kids, but if my DH then came and pointed out that I was upsetting the DC then I would have got a hold of myself, apologised and asked him to take over this time while I went and calmed down. The OP's OH sounds like he has an anger problem to me and unless he sorts it out it may escalate.

YuccanLiederHorticulture · 10/04/2014 08:22

nearthewindymill shouting is one thing. Yes quite a lot of people crack and shout eventually - after weeks of no sleep and trying everything. Shouting, being rough and impatient on only the third night is what worries me most. If he's having such an extreme reaction to a baby's normal behaviour on night 3 what is he going to be doing on night 30, or night 300?

BelleateSebastian · 10/04/2014 08:23

Sleep deprivation sent me doolally! I would rant and rave and f and blind, dc2 was reaaaally hard work up until the age of about 8mths, he was either asleep or crying!

I've screamed 'will you stop fucking crying' on a few occasions. I'm not proud of it, nor am I ashamed of it ... it was a tough, tough time and we got through it as a family, we seemed to take it in turns to crumble/step up to the mark. Dc's appear unscathed, are happy, balanced and adored. I've only posted this (as its not relevant really to the ops situation) as of course people get to the end of their tether, some people just dont admit it ..... have a chat with your oh op, what does your gut say?

thebody · 10/04/2014 08:29

Belle yes agree it is ok to smack the wall, to cry, to swear and be angry as I agree sleep deprivation is pure torture.

Best let it all out before you touch the baby.

I got flamed ( ha ha) on another thread for saying its perfectly acceptable to put your screaming baby in a warm safe place and walk away for a while to calm down.

If your dh had had months if this op it's different but your baby is tiny. This will get worse.

He needs watching. The rough handling is a total no no.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 08:33

He handles her roughly? He could seriously hurt her or even kill her in his shitty temper.

Fusedog · 10/04/2014 08:33

Op if he's working full time as well i suggest that YOU and only YOU do the night feed he behaviour was well out of order but I do think it's a bit off to expect someone who is working full time to also do the night feeds even once during the night as you will be able to catch up on your sleep when the baby napping during the day

fluffyraggies · 10/04/2014 08:36

''I got flamed ( ha ha) on another thread for saying its perfectly acceptable to put your screaming baby in a warm safe place and walk away for a while to calm down.''

Oh god.
:(

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 08:36

Nearthewindymill no, I've never shouted at my newborn or sworn at him, or handled him roughly because he needed feeding or changing at night. I have got frustrated and tearful with my older baby when he stood screaming in his cot or kept getting out of bed, yes. But a newborn, absolutely not. It's what they do. Shouting and swearing at a newborn after only 3 nights of doing one night feed indicates a dangerous temper, lack of care for the child and is really worrying for the child's future safety.

Tessdurbevilliespoon · 10/04/2014 08:37

To be honest I would tell him to go elsewhere until he can control his anger. Shouting at and rough handling your daughter as well as swearing at you is a disgrace! Does he not realise that you are tired too.

Hope you find your strength OP Thanks

Fusedog · 10/04/2014 08:39

And those who say contact your health visitor are a bit premature unless the HV will come round and help with the night feeds then she is gonna be as helpful as my cat

And any one on her who hasn't don't something their ashamed of due to lack of sleep get in line for your halo

Me and oh had some of out worse rows when baby was first born is not coincidence of your gonna split is usually the first year after a baby

thebody · 10/04/2014 08:39

fluffy Grin

Swearing into the night and hitting the wall is fine.

Rough handling is most definatly not.

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