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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have challenged OH on treatment of our baby

159 replies

HuskyBlueEyes · 10/04/2014 05:02

Hello mumsnetters.. Basically my LG is a little over a month old. Tonight is my OH third night of night feeds. Which he argues about quite a lot. I've woken up to the baby utterly shouting her head off and him telling her to shut the fuck up. He also got the arse and 'quite' roughly changed her vest and sleep suit because she piddled. She does cry at a change I've learnt to accept that from the beginning. She's also slept four hours!!! Which is amazing from her usual 2. So I got up and pointed this out and that sues just hungry, picking up on his anger and getting upset herself. He's told me to fuck off and walked off. Was I being U? I can't remember actually being frustrated to that extent with her getting used to night feeds myself. Yes I got frustrated but not to use rougher movements with her or swear. Am I being pfb I guess. May I add he didn't physically hurt her.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 10/04/2014 08:43

Feeling frustrated, angry even, at being woken up is normal. But the acting on it is worrying - shouting, swearing, rough treatment. If he gets a bit of "relief" by doing that, then IMO, there is nothing to stop him going further and shaking or hitting her.

But yes, it could be the case that him showing his anger like this is calculated to get him out of something he doesn't want to do because you'll feel cowed - either fear for your DD or yourself.

Either way, it's terrible, worrying behaviour from him.

gimcrack · 10/04/2014 08:43

What's he like usually? And can you talk to him?

VashtaNerada · 10/04/2014 08:46

I've sworn at my baby (and DH!) in the first few weeks. IME it gets much, much easier as the baby gets older. Obviously none of us have seen what goes on in your home though, so trust your instincts on whether he's a danger to her or not.

Kinnane · 10/04/2014 08:46

I would do the night feeds if I were you.

NewtRipley · 10/04/2014 08:47

BTW - no halo here. Lack of sleep is the hardest thing about having a baby - and I've sworn to myself, put the baby down and left the room.

But I was doing most of the night feeds and had experienced 2 traumatic births. This man hasn't experienced any of that.

NewtRipley · 10/04/2014 08:48

Yes OP. Can you talk to him calmly? In the middle of the night when feelings are running high isn't easy

formerbabe · 10/04/2014 08:49

I think his behaviour is worrying.

I also think if you are at home full time with your baby and he is working full time, then you should be doing all night feeds.

My dh worked long hours when we were going through the sleepless night stage. I would not expect him to get up in the night. At least I was at home and could stay in my PJs having a nap during the day.

NewtRipley · 10/04/2014 08:54

former

I don't agree. My two were bottle fed. I did do the majority of night feeds (probably about 70%), but not all. You know why? Because sometimes I was exhausted, sometimes I had PND, and sometimes my DH wanted to take a part in the care of his child.

kate1516 · 10/04/2014 08:57

I think you know your OH and know whether he is really a danger to your child. If you don't think he is safe, you need to do something. I really don't think he should be angry to the point he is swearing at the baby but I can also fully appreciate how crap you must all be feeling from sleep deprivation right now. I think me and my husband had more arguments in the middle of the night in the first couple of months after having a baby than during the whole rest of our relationship! (Not in front of the baby mind and prob only 5/6). And most of those were because the baby was crying and one or other of us would come trying to give tips and help which is not always what you can handle when stretched to breaking..... I personally was at such a high level of anxiety and worry during the first few months that I did sometimes get upset and frustrated - I didn't swear or roughly handle the baby though - I would go away and then sob. Me and my husband had a deal where if it felt like it was getting to a point we were getting upset/angry we would get the other one up to take over. Maybe talk to him in the daytime and explain he can't be like that and find our from him what happened in his opinion?

Having said that, your post said he wasn't keen on nights anyway which is quite frantically tough luck. IMO, you have a baby then you need to share the hardest parts too.

formerbabe · 10/04/2014 08:58

PND is a different issue...of course you would need more help.

I slept during the day when my baby was napping..my dh could hardly put his head on his desk and snooze for a couple of hours.

I could also slob around in pyjamas rather than put on a suit and look presentable and together.

thebody · 10/04/2014 09:00

I did all the night feeds as I too could sleep in the day. Toddler and baby.

My dh commuted to work and I couldn't let him drive in the motorway as sleep deprived as I was as that would have been potentially fatal to him and others.

I ebf too.

ilikemysleep · 10/04/2014 09:03

Mine were all breast fed but I did do the majority of night wakings esp with pfb because my DH was working and our ds did sleep later in the morning - til about 10 ish, and obviously I could nap during the day as well. He took over on the really really dreadful nights and would drive DS around the ring road to calm him (DS turned out to have autism, and was always a terrible sleeper). I don't think either of us - though utterly exhausted - ever thought to be angry with the baby. Babies do cry.
If I were you I would wait until you are both calm and have a talk about what happened and how and when you and your DH can support each other best through this difficult stage. DH's behaviour shows that whatever the rights and wrongs of how he 'should' help, he isn't coping with the arrangements in place and you need him to be on board and supportive rather than resentful and angry for your DD's sake. If that means you do Sat nights and the trade off is, he takes DD to the park for a long walk and you get a 2 hour afternoon nap, for example...

sandgrown · 10/04/2014 09:05

Hi OP. Are there no grandparents or friends who could take over for a few hours during the day while you sleep then you could do all the night feeds. I agree with Belle . If it all gets too much put the baby somewhere safe and walk away until you calm down. The baby will be fine. Accept all offers of help from family/ friends and take heart from the fact that in most cases it only lasts a few months.

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 09:06

formerbabe and thebody what are you advising the OP? What do your posts have to do with the behaviour described by the OP?

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 09:07

Similar question to sandgrown we don't have any reason to doubt that the OP can cope. The thread is about her husband's coping (or lack of).

thebody · 10/04/2014 09:12

Logg1e sorry didn't know you were in charge of the thread.

Threads develop.

The op asked about her dhs behaviour. I
Personally shared that I had sworn and hit the wall when sleep deprived but tough handling was a total no no.

I advised her to keep her baby safe by doing the night feeds herself/leaving.

Thread then develops as all threads do to general issues of coping with sleep deprivation and division of who does what if one partner is at work while the other is at home so can theoretically slob around and nap

Perhaps you should read the whole thread?

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 09:15

body I was concerned that when the OP read your reply she'd think that she must somehow be at fault, because she'd expected her husband to take some share of his child's care.

Preciousbane · 10/04/2014 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 10/04/2014 09:26

Logg1e

Really don't think so if you had read all of my posts.

However if you are making this fairly personal I will add that my teen dd was involved in a fatal accident where a driver fell asleep at the wheel.

Many of the children involved have life changing injuries and the adults are involved, one died while others have had to give up work.

I feel very strongly that of course child care is shared but a couple have also to think not just about who does what on some sort of silly theoretical man v woman level but who is actually at home and able to nap and who is the one getting into that car/coach/lorry putting all lives at risk.

Anyway I have my advice up thread to the op.

I really couldn't care less if you don't understand that threads here develop and people share their own opinions/coping mechanisms/life exoeriences.

That's how mumsnet works.

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 09:31

I only made the discussion personal to the OP, out of concern for how she might interpret what you wrote. I have ignored all of your presumptions about me, what I've written, what I've read, what I understand about MN etc.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/04/2014 09:31

Not sure why people are talking about what they did on work nights when OP's DP is only doing nights on Saturdays.

As it happens I did all the nights here but DP did all the early mornings from 5am which helped keep me sane and functioning. The real point is we both recognised there was a 24/7 job to be done and worked out between us how we could do it best.

Neither of us felt we had the option to get in a strop and refuse care to dd or could force the other person to take over. It sounds as though OP's DP thinks being a parent is optional.

The value of getting him to talk to the HV is she is an outsider with nothing to gain or lose from how much time each of you spends with dd. She's also an authority figure.

HazleNutt · 10/04/2014 09:35

I myself have muttered a "Oh for fuck's sake, it's only been 45 minutes!!" during some nights. My DH is a great dad and I certainly don't think I should have called the HV or kept DH away from the baby, but there were also times when I had to calmly explain that baby is not a dog and no, "Baby, quiet!!" does not really work that well.

Of course it's frustrating if the baby cries and you can't get her to stop - especially if your Dh is not used to calming her and therefore will probably think he is doing something wrong.

As you say OP, you have learned to accept it, but if DH has not been so hands-on, he also needs to learn to accept that babies cry. And they will eventually stop, but comforting helps more than telling the baby to shut up. I would also wait til you are both calm and awake and discuss what happened, why it worried you and how one could deal with the situation better.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/04/2014 09:37

Also of course the HV can impress upon him how very fragile young babies are.

thebody · 10/04/2014 09:42

Logg1e I imagine the op was capable of reading the whole thread.

Stop hyjacking.

sebsmummy1 · 10/04/2014 09:54

I will admit to screaming 'will you fucking stop crying' at the top of my voice at my 6 week old when I was totally exhausted and OH wasn't due back from work for another two hours. When he did return home he found me crying in one room and my son crying in another. It was extremely stressful.

Only happened once though. I then went and bought a sling and at 4pm when he was desperate for a third nap but struggled to sleep, we would pound the pavements together and he would sleep nuzzled against my chest. Was a godsend!!!

I would want to be looking at your partners behaviour as a whole and not just one night. I co-slept with my son in a different room to my OH as I didn't want him going to work sleep deprived when I was at home and so more capable of catching up on sleep. I suspect my partner would have been grumpy having to get up in the night but I can't imagine him telling me to fuck off and certainly not our son.

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