to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

Can I just thank everyone as I have reviewed my own behaviour as a result of the good advice here

To update, dd's closest friends have all apologised and some warned her in advance about the consequences.

One parent rang me to say the ex6th formers in question had done £3k criminal damage to a village hall kitchen, 2/3 weeks ago and police informed. So we are going to liaise. Def sounds like criminal records are in order for these mindless idiots and I am glad to be part of ensuring they get that.

Dd told me she loved me and she is mortified at what happened, those posters who thought it might have been just bravado were spot on so thank you for helping me see that now

I had put the msg out that I wanted the contact details of all the parents of dc who attended

I said honesty was most important to me

One teenage boy texted me to apologise and confessed that he had taken a bottle which he was returning unopened.

Dd has done laundry, dishwasher, washed carpets, tidied rooms, cleaned sheets, made beds and now revising.

I have a massive work deadline this w/e and she has offered to help around revising.

Thankyou for the £5 offer, your thoughtfulness has blown me away.

Am glad I posted. Will update after police visit.

no

Evans and Minnie

At what age do sons and daughters become responsible for their actions?

I ask because I have had the parents of 25 and 26 yr. olds in my office saying exactly what you have said.

I think you're doing great OP.

Great that you are communicating. That alone will lift the load.

Interesting to hear 'the lads' have form for criminal damage.

I have never said she should be let off or unpunished. In fact I suggested several methods similar to others.

Me and my friends were good kids. All got a levels, uni mostly with good degrees. Looking back, I'd have to say 20 is/was a turning point on all of us.

We would have argued at the time and said 18. I really did see at uni in year two a MASSIVE change in us all.

Sounds like you and dd are communicating well about this.
She IS contrite, and just realising the enormity of it, I expect. Good she is both studying and helping clear up and offering to help around your work deadlines. All very adult and appropriate of her.
Sounds like the 'lads' who trashed have form and are going to get their comeuppance (and might you get some insurance comp?)
Sounds like the 'nice kids' (inc your dd) are realising their mistakes and apologising, returning bottles, being genuinely contrite. That's all good.

You are doing really well OP.

OP I think you at doing brilliantly

Boney - my son became more responsible after his first mistake (the "party" I spoke about earlier). He was 16, very ashamed, felt out of control. My daughter took two instances (one was that "party", another was just her allowing her friends to sleep over, but she allowed them to sleep in our bed, which she knew absolutely wasn't on). She was around 18, I think, and much more "bolshey" over it all. She took a lot more convincing than son that she had done wrong. He took all his punishments and criticisms on the chin, she didn't (but I wasn't as harsh as some posters above - both kids knew they'd behaved badly, we talked A LOT (my daughter thought too much, but ... tough) and they are now much more respectful). It's in the art of getting them to realise they've done wrong - and not overdoing it. Thin line, I know!

So in answer to your question: teenage years - son was 16, daughter 18, they are different from each other. They are both better now (son is now nearly 19, daughter 21) and neither of them have behaved like that in our home since (nor have their friends)!!

WotToDoo You sound like you have dealt with this really well. I would have been absolutely furious and so, very, let down. I think you are right to try and work out the practical ways of getting the damage repaired. I would send bills to any of the kids who you know caused damage. I'm sure you will be able to find out who vomited for example.
Can you have a look at your DDs Facebook account for photos?

I know your DD has ballsed up on a massive scale but it would be awful if you ended up alienating her completely. It's a funny age and I think you have to cut them some slack. I agree with others that say you need to compartmentalise her punishment.

My youngest is 17 and it astounds her why anyone would think it was a good idea to have a house party for 16/17/18 year olds. She has lovely 'naice' friends but some of the parties still get out of hand. At the last party she went to someone was sick on the parents bed. Id be so livid if that happened to me.
My kids have often told me that you cant guess which kids are the ones most likely to behave outrageously.

OP, I think you're handling it really well! I would have been furious too! My friend has a saying to her teen, "You don't bring that shit to our door" (she's a New Yorker!) and this is definitely a case in point here!

There's one thing that does bug me on threads like this on here and it's all the, We did x, y and z as teens, so we should expect (and in some cases, facilitate) our own teens to do the same thing. What happened to wanting more for our children? I sure as hell don't want my kids losing their virginity in a dusty village hall at 14 and thinking that drinking cheap cider every weekend in the park is normal. And I'll do everything positively in my power to make sure they don't.

Likewise, I'd be bloody furious with them if they thought it was ok to go to a party and wreck the place.

Sounds like you are handling this well, my DC are oy 8 and 4 so got a long way to go for the teenage years.

What happened to wanting more for our children

That is true in my teenage years I took drugs, smoked from the age 12, was drinking cheap cider in the park at 14and Skipping school

Do I want that for my DC, no I don't I want them to try their best in school, never start smoking, leave drinking as long as possible and never take drugs.

Likewise, I'd be bloody furious with them if they thought it was ok to go to a party and wreck the place.

As of course, you are quite right to feel. As does everyone else one here. I think the issue is - how much discipline is to be administered, and how much understanding should be metered out. A bit of each, I think.

I think everyone is of the same opinion, that the daughter did wrong. There is no question. However, how it is dealt with is a matter for debate.

Personally, if my kids went to a party and were part of the "wrecking brigade" that I knew of, then they would be frogmarched to that house and made to clean up.
Our house has been wrecked, but I am also of the opinion that my kids were responsible for their guests, and they are therefore responsible for the clean up and payment for repairs. It is part of teenage life to see how much they can get away with - you do have to let them test the waters (then make them take the consequences).

There is no such thing as a "perfect" child, teenager or adult. What a boring world this would be if everyone behaved in the required text-book fashion. All these mistakes they make are part of them growing up. Incredibly annoying, but that is part of being a parent - they make mistakes, you guide them further.

Well done OP, you are doing well. Keep the dialogue going with DD

The boys responsible do deserve a more formal admonishment for the scale of the havoc they wreaked, informing the police was appropriate.

You are doing the parents a favour as they can also reinforce with their teens acceptable respectful behaviour in other peoples homes.

You daughter is learning a valuable lesson and now has plenty of time to reflect and show contrition. Poor you, having to go through it. In time she will reflect and realise how devastating this episode has been to you too.

Your daughter just asked some of the wrong people and what could have been a bit of mess turned into the nightmare you have. We have had parties for young teens but have stayed here, with a limited known guest list. Parties were great but even being here there's a lot of wiping down , floors, walls etc, and it was east to see with lovely kids how easy it could get out of hand.
I would let her go to prom, make her help you do the deep clean, make sure she's revising for her exams and allow the holiday nanny job.
I would lay some sanction, probably ground her for a few weeks and tot up the financial costs and come to an agreement of her contribution towards it. I probably would have the heart to drag it out for months. I would lay down our disappointment and lay bare the financial pressures it would cause. Btw, can you claim on your insurance at all?
I'm sorry this has happened to her and you , but no one died, and she I'm sure has learnt a massive lesson and you still have your dear daughter.

I wouldn't have the heart

I know so many people this has happened to. I personally would sell the ticket and make her earn at least half the money back. My 17 YO has a part time job. Take away stuff etc but not too much and don't ban her from the prom. Even though it is shit you can't really stop her going to that.

OP, when you have a bit more information about what happened and what the costs of the damage are what about documenting your DDs 'punishment' You could even get her to countersign it to show that she accepts it. It might avoid further discussions and arguments over her punishment. Everyone will know whats what IYSWIM

was so glad to read your update, op. didn't post because i was terribly upset for your daughter, but knew that if i'd been the mum in that position i'd have gone through the roof, so felt bad from all angles. so glad that peace and harmony are restored.

I once did this as a teenager, nothing was too broken luckily. I was grounded for 3 months straight, no phone, no internet access, and never did anything of the sort again. I think you should maybe say you will think about allowing her to earn back prom. I would definitely not allow her to have the festival ticket, maybe sell this and say it is going towards the cost of the damage? I would like to point out though, that she was probably very naive and did not realize it would get out of hand/how many people would turn up. Like I say, when I held a party at my parents home without their knowledge I invited around 20 people, however word got out and more like 50 ended up turning up. I would never have gone through with it if I would have known how out of hand it would have gotten. I did however learn a valuable lesson, and like I pointed out earlier nothing similar ever happened again. I do agree with previous posters about making her pay it back by stopping pocket money? If she has a smart phone maybe sell that and give her one that just calls and texts as a punishment?

Just keep up the excellent communication you seem to have with your DD. Not saying for a minute that one day you'll "look back and laugh" because it's never something that either of you will find amusing, however, it might be something you'll ruefully smile about in years to come and maybe even thank it in a way for giving you the opportunity to resolve a horrible issue amicably. Good luck to both of you.

"I do wonder OP if her comment re the gardening has come after you put her on the defensive. I bet her first reaction was horror and remorse but you have reacted so strongly that she's lashed out back."

Quite.

She clearly attempted to clean up but didn't know how to do it properly. Do you honestly think she invited people expecting them to make this much mess? Don't you think she was horrified and probably a bit scared when she realised things were out of control?

So what do you want to acheive?

Ensure she takes it seriously enough not to do it again? I suspect she has already got that message with your reaction and the police being involved. Not going to the concert and missing the prom will help (and is quite reasonable)

Get some of your possessions replaced? OK, great, get her a summer holiday job and ensure she pays you back as much as she can. Were you insured? Could you claim for it?

Make yourself feel better by taking out your anger on her? Don't. She is still a child and she fucked up. People do that. I am sure you have too.

Try talking to her calmly. Give her the chance to see that you are genuinely upset at the damage and the loss of trust. Be a human being not just angry parent. Give her the chance to express her shame and mortification. I bet she feels it but she is feeling forced into defiance.

Just seen the update! Hurray!!

OP, really admiring how you're handling this, such a difficult situation.