to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

NotNew, I very much do mean it! it was normal in
my 'youth' to not always think things through with the rationale of a middleaged person! All of my peers went on to live responsible, in most cases professional lives.

I feel sorry for teenagers now- 'youth' is sanitised and every decision made is frought with anxiety over the cosequences for their future and their 'career'!

It is the attitude that is hurting the OP.

When my DD turned 18, she had a small party and there was damage (and I was in the house!). She was mortified, her decent friends were mortified, and DD cut off the crap friends who didn't care.

That made all the difference.

OP, I suspect your DD was either pressured by a friend into inviting the trouble-makers, or she is interested on one of them. And had had drink. And at 15 is just too immature to make appropriate judgements and express remorse.

I think she should be allowed to go to the prom as it is a one off, right of passage thing... but she should finance it herself now.

yes to paying back. job in the summer holidays. will do her good anyway. plus good for her CV

yes to helping clear up. she can give something else up to revise. eg tv/phone/facebook/visiting friends. actions have consequences, best to learn this now.

IT sounds like you re getting good responses now from daughter, friends, parents and police.

She did a stupid thing in organising the party. Then she was unlucky that it turned bad, although if she was aware that those boys are prone to this behaviour, it's another bad judgement rather than bad luck.

I think that you need to accept she is still the same girl, still the same daughter, she just made some bloody stupid choices. That's frustrating and disappointing.

I agree sell the festival ticket and ask her for further financial compensation. I don't think £1000 is realistic for her to come up with. And I hope you'll be getting compensation anyway through the police. So maybe £250-500 from her.

I agree let her go to the prom but don't buy her anything for it. Put the value of what you might have paid out towards her repayments. That way she gets a good lesson in cause and effect and responsibility. As in 'we were going to buy dress/pay for limo/hair totalling £150, and we were giving you festival ticket worth £100, but you now owe us £500. We'll take the £150 and £100 off that, so you now still owe us £250. What will you do to repay that? Christmas/birthday money? Get a weekend job? Put half of your pocket money towards it each week?

She needs to learn some lessons from this, and I don't mean that in a punishment way. She genuinely needs to grow up a bit. So the financial thing will teach her to have a little more respect for what things cost and what she has.

I think you should also have a chat to her about what to do when things go wrong. She needs to know this for her own safety in future. That it's better to 'lose face' a bit and go for help quickly, than be out of your depth in a situation that's out of control. Ask her to think about what she could have done that night? If it was seriously out of hand, could she have called the police herself? If that wasn't an option for her (and I can understand that) is there a friend or neighbour she could have called to come and help break up the party? Point out that that way, yes she would probably have got into a bit of trouble for having the party, but would have won back more respect/trust from you for dealing with it effectively. Less or no damage would have been caused. She would have been in a lot less trouble overall.
There will be other times in her life when things are getting out of hand/she's in trouble. She must understand when and how to call in outside help if it's needed.

Have you investigated claiming on your house insurance? As you have reported criminal damage it should be covered.

it got out of control, but she knew the types she was inviting and she is clearly not very bothered.

so time to bother her by showing how it feels to lose things you value.

teach life lessons now, does no favours to be too soft.

Hi, OP.

I can imagine that you feel pretty crap with what has gone on. I am not trying to jump on the bandwagon but I do (personally) think that 15 is too young to be leaving a child at home over night. However, I do not think that excuses should be made for her behaviour, though. She knew the rules.

I really hope that she can replace the damage and trust with you. But I think you need to realise that you also messed up. You, too, are responsible for this.

I hope it gets sorted.

minnie Many people older make mistakes. Or are you perfect? No? Just holier than god eh?

You're misunderstanding me minnie. I'm not saying people shouldn't make mistakes, I'm saying they shouldn't blame "bad luck" for the perfectly predictable results of their actions.

Bloody heck there are some harsh parents around

You expect her to impact her chances if her GCSE to CLEAN?

GOOD NESS MEEEEEE

specialsubject perhaps she didn't realise the 'types' that were coming to the house. The same way the OP didn't realise the 'type' of teenager she had.

Great that you have everything under control. Communication is the key and all will be well

Logge1 but you are over the age of twenty. She's still a child. Maybe she's been treated older or behaved better but she is still young. Argue all you like but teens brains are not fully developed, risk isn't evolved.

She made bad choices and a chain of events kicked off. At any point it still might not have got that far but like a snow ball it got bigger and bigger as more elements out of her control got in.

She could have invited the boys but only half turn up, or maybe invited and they didn't come or came later but a neighbour spotted. It's all arbitrary really. So, there's your luck. Different day different consequences.

A lesson that at 16 she has little experience of. She sure as heck does now though!

Op, I'm still interested to help her. Fiver ain't much and she can earn that as u see fit.

I agree with Araminta, doingakatereddy, doctorsnewkidneys (and others too many to mention, holding similar views).

Calling the police was OTT, most definitely, and I also agree with someone else above who said you actually may find yourself in more trouble with them as a consequence.
Your daughter was given a bit of responsibility. She probably didn't intend to betray your trust, sometimes these things just get out of hand (I speak from experience)!

My darling teenagers did it once, they will never do it again. Daughter was 19 at the time, son was 16. They were left for one night, both invited a couple of friends, which they had been allowed. It turned into something quite different.

However, they were very contrite (younger son more so than older daughter, actually. He said things got out of hand and he was panicking, daughter tried to brazen it out, saying I was making too much of a big deal. They both tried to clean up (not too well) - I could go on and on.

The point is, they realised they were in the wrong, they tried to rectify.

Your daughter, Wotoodoo, didn't intend things to get out of hand.
You must be incandescent with rate (I know I was, at the time) but don't got over the top with your punishments. Your daughter is young, she's made a mistake. Of course, give her a punishment (an achievable one) but don't make her miserable for the rest of her life over it.

We sat and talked it through, my youngsters realised things had gone wrong, how disappointed we were in them and they've never done it since. We've left them since, yes, they have "gatherings", eat all my food, make a mess. But they all know now to not take advantage, to clean up (I've shown all the friends where the cleaning cloths and vacuum cleaner are kept). They respect that, they do it, and are now often in the house when we return so I can praise how well they've done!!

Treat it as a learning curve (for both of you)!!!!

Evans - the police themselves seemed to think the OP did exactly the right thing in contacting them and are taking it with some seriousness. That, to me, says it was not an OTT response. Criminal damage is still criminal damage.

But now the poor girl will be completely ostracised by her peer group. Is that worth it, just because Mum is enraged at the moment? (Of course, she has every right to be) - but I do feel she may have overreacted somewhat.

The daughter will be feeling bad enough already. And the police will always tell you that!

Evans as the damage was, presumably, mostly caused by the older buys who have form for this, they are not at the same school and are not really her peers.

Unfortunately, choices (not luck, as Minnie suggested earlier) have consequences. I actually think the nature of the damage caused, not just I monetary value, is serious and shouldn't be minimised to ensure the DD knows what line she crossed and that she is now of an age where she needs to starting thinking about her choices and actions.

can I thank you for posting this wotodoo. It prompted me to have a conversation with dd about what to do if an unintended (or intended!) party gets out of hand - call the police and ask the neighbours for help.

She made choices but there's still a fair amount of luck as to how they turn out.

But now the poor girl will be completely ostracised by her peer group.

Only by the elements of the group who should be dropped anyway. The fact that some of the friends have texted OP to apologise indicates to me that there is some guilt in the group about things getting out of hand.

They will soon all be moving on to sixth form where the group will churn anyway.

I remember the tales of sixth form parties from my day where a lot more than a £1000 of damage got done. Making it clear now that OP's place isnt the sixth form club house just seems like good sense to me!

It would be bad enough if there was "just" sick & drink spillage to clean up.

But broken lights & a broken oven was surely deliberate?

She was young to be left, but unless these people forced their way in uninvited, then I have little sympathy tbh.

I wouldn't have wanted to be left at that age either alone or with a friend & would have said so.

In fact, my parents would have been surprised if I was OK with it & would have been suspicious!

Evans thankfully the Police don't think it was OTT to call them, and as far as thinking it will ostracise daughter from her peers I'm guessing you didn't read the OPs post stating most of her friends thought it was the right thing to do, so you're wrong.

OP, poor, poor you, how awful. I have teenage children, they are not saints but not every teenager behaves like this (thankfully, or few would make it to adulthood).

You want to trust them, but when are they mature enough to deal with that trust? You thought she was mature enough, she let you down. . To contact the police and parents was entirely the right thing to do.

As PP said, it wasn't bad luck, DD went against your wishes. She knew the boys had previously trashed houses, and yet still invited them. It was the predictable consequence of her actions.

The gardening comment was a reflexive self defence I would have to try very hard to have my head not spin off Exorcist style at that

You DD knows actions have consequences, so now there will be consequences from you. This is not to be punitive or vindictive, but all actions have consequences. Sit her down and explain your intentions. You don't want to drip drip the punishment. She needs the whole picture to understand the enormity of the breach of trust and damage to your home.

Do an inventory, literally in writing of all the damage, and the cost. Take photos to remind you, and her, the extent of the damage.

Sell festival ticket, put that towards the cost.

Allow her to go to the prom, it is a rite of passage. To deny her could be seen as gratuitously spiteful and you don't want to damage your relationship irretrievably. However, do not fund any of it. Drop her off and pick her up as she has proven that ATM she isn't trustworthy.

Don't allow her to supervise kids on another family's holiday, she can't supervise herself, and she could be a liability. As the host family, I wouldn't want her with me.

Don't make her work off the debt before her exams, she needs to focus on the GCSEs now. This mess doesn't need resolving instantly, and nor can it be. Also gives her time to reflect on the enormity of what she has done

Make her get a job in the summer hols and she pays back every single penny.

It is harsh, but fair.

Glad to hear that things are being resolved. You sound as if you have handled it really well and I'm sure your dd, who is normally so responsible, will have learned several lessons.

My general feeling is - if you have invited someone into your home (which the daughter did) then you are responsible for how they behave.

This is what I have told my children.
Youngsters drink too much, they are experimenting with it, pushing the boundaries, etc etc etc. You, as the host, are responsible for the behaviour.

(I think I may have possibly missed the bit where guests forced their way in? Didn't see that post - apologies if I have)

I do still feel that the OP and other posters are being too harsh with their criticisms and punishment options, however.

I had a party at 15 when parents went away overnight. This was mid 80's. Quite a few of us did. Word got round and a group of much older lads turned up. I was very lucky we managed to persuade them elsewhere or goodness knows what would have happened. I was very naieve. There was some minor damage - an old wooden chair got broken and a lampshade I think. I was very embarrassed.
Parents (and neighbours) furious but when they calmed down, realised that I had not been able to 'handle it' either and a lesson was well and truly learned.

I wouldn't dream of stopping her revising - surely you want her to do well?
I would make Easter hols revision and housework only, in fact all weekends for the foreseeable...
I would allow the Prom (she'll never forget it if you don't, and it will fester between you) but in a more modest way than planned?
I would allow the holiday as she is to be babysitting, is she not?
(good chance to prove herself responsible again?).
Sell the concert ticket certainly as that was an extra treat she hasn't warranted.

Re the money you have lost / state of house.
She did try to clear up (badly, but she tried). She can help you 'spring clean' in her lost leisure time (not study time) over the next few weeks, until you feel it is acceptable again.
Re money - I would write down the cost of everything broken / damaged. She probably wont realise how long it takes to earn the £.
I would write a letter saying how upset you feel about the sentimental things / loss of trust. I would ask her to think long and hard about what she feels is suitable in terms of replacing / repairing things and trust.
Gardening is way short of the mark. Give her time to think about it over the weekend - give her chance to make you a better offer than gardening. Then agree together how she is going to make real efforts to repay you. It doesn't have to be the whole £1K - but she does need to make a serious and concerted effort towards it. Give her the chance to show you she can be responsible now?
My friends made a collection for the chair and lampshade. I think it was £50? but WE did it and it helped, a LOT, for my parents to see we were sorry and realised they (and their home) needed treating with respect.