to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

[Sparklysilversequins]

Sorry I didn't read your last post OP. That all sounds very positive

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Op x post saw yours now.

Firstly am v plsd the anger is abating. Doing stuff often helps that. Glad to see her friends reactions too. Hope that restores your faith in her and her choices a bit.

It's shit luck but she didn't mean it. It just got out of control. Give her a hug from me. And do buy her something for her prom, maybe a necklace? She's finishing school. Don't look back in anger. She was pretty good for 16 yrs don't forget.

I actually feel quite sorry for her. I'd send her a fiver as sponsorship towards stuff. If it's ok, pm me your address.

Peace, love and strength x

[Logg1e]

Minnie It's shit luck but she didn't mean it.

She invited men who she knew have done this repeatedly before. She choose to have a party when she'd told her mum she'd be revising and have one friend around.

[Tinkerball]

When I said about sweeping it under the carpet I meant it in relation to calling the Police, £1000 of damage is more than a few "broken glasses" araminta!! I'm glad Police are taking it seriously as they should, so you posters who thought not are wrong.

Can't believe anyone can put this down as " normal teenage behaviour" either.

[girlywhirly]

I suppose it would depend on whether the ex 6th formers are on record for vandalism/theft/criminal damage as to what the police do. My guess is they will get a warning if this is the first time they have been known to the police.

I think DD should have her social media and phone limited which will give her plenty of time to study as well as help get your home to rights and keep it clean and tidy. If all attempts at cleaning carpets and upholstery have been ineffective, get professionals to do it and add the cost to what needs to be paid back. If there is damage to paintwork and wallpaper, DD could be shown what to do and re -paper and paint, useful skills to have in future life as well as making restitution.

If you explain the value of the items that are beyond making right or replacing, that home insurance won't pay out (I'm guessing) because the culprits were invited in and didn't break in, that is why she is having to take responsibility financially because none of the party 'guests' are clearly.

I wouldn't let her go to the festival, but she could go to the prom as long as you take her and bring her home, and she incurs no costs related to it she does her own hair and make-up, wears one of her own dresses or borrows, etc.

The holiday is tricky, but I would have to tell the people about her massive error of judgement and let them decide whether they still want to take her. Chances are that if they do, they will be watching her much more closely, and therefore she will be on her best behaviour. But you won't be buying her any new clothes or swimwear, she will have to manage with what she already has or can afford from charity shops. You may both need time apart anyway by this time.

[slithytove]

Got half way down page 2 and was so frustrated I had to have my say!

I was a bad teenager, never did anything like this but other bad stuff. One thing made my dad so hurt and angry he couldn't speak to me for a month. I suspect this is similar to how you feel now. Once your anger has subsided you will be able to not snap at her and will rebuild your relationship. And a lot of this will have to do with how she reacts to the situation.

I think this is a huge betrayal. She is nearly 16 and old enough to know she has broken your trust and to show remorse.

It is NOT punishment to pay for the damage. It is just the way it should be. You need carpet cleaning, a new oven, new light fittings and to replenish the booze, am I right? Replace what you need, keep receipts, and sit down with your daughter as grown ups and ask her how she intends to repay you.

This could be through selling her things, getting a job, and/or you withholding money you would have offered her e.g. Prom funds. By letting her make the decision she is choosing the consequences of her behaviour and the value of money. She should be paying back the full amount.

I would let her 'earn' back prom attendance through good behaviour and attitude.

Do not stop her studying. If you need to, get in a professional clean and add it to DD's invoice.

As for a punishment, I think a set grounding and a media blackout (phone, Internet, etc) for a set period of time is acceptable.

I would let her go in the holiday but make it very clear that this is because you don't let other people down.

2 pronged attack: set punishment, and financial repayment. I think this is fair.

Hope some of this is helpful.

[YouTheCat]

I think your approach is right. I hope you get your home back to normal soon.

And for those saying this is 'normal' teenage behaviour - no it really isn't. Mine has had small parties while I've been away, with no damage done, a good time had by all, and any mess cleared up before I got back. It's about respecting your home and your parents.

[Ledkr]

Op I remember gong to the party of a friend who had been left in charge.
I was horrified at the behaviour of some of the older ones and as I'd lied and told my mum I was staying at a friends I couldn't go home and was scared out of my mind.
I was nearly raped and then spent the rest of the night sleeping with the goldfish bowl as I'd caught them about to deep fry it
It was the worst night of my life and I still remember it 25 years later.
The police came to my house and I was grounded for going but I didn't care as long as I was out of that nightmare.
These things are inclined to escalate and your dd was probably quite scared and out of her depth with these older kids.
You are right to do what you have done, let other parents be aware of how their little darlings behave, why should you have all the stress.
At least she sounds as if she has some insight now, I guess the blasé attitude was a front.

[Viviennemary]

I wouldn't let her have any friends to the house again unless I was there. But I'd just let her go to the prom and concert. What's done is done. But she pays for her own prom and concert ticket. I'd be furious too.

[ILoveTamsinGreig]

The fact is, there is £1K worth of damage and someone has to pay for it. Possibly some of it will appear from the people who trashed the house (or their parents) but if it doesn't then why should it come from the OP rather than her DD?

It's a lot of money for a kid to pay back but if she gets a job and the OP allows her to 'count' things that she would have spent but hasn't then it is do-able. She can't replace the irreplaceable but she can give up her 'treats' then she will get there. This wasn't an accident or something that just happened. She invited people who had form, after lying and saying she would have only one friend. It would've been different if someone had broken in and trashed the place but she invited people, knowing that they had trashed houses before. Paying for the consequences of your stupid decisions isn't a punishment or vindictive, it's just a consequence. If I buy myself a £20 bottle of whisky and one of my kids takes it and gives it to a friend then I expect them to give me £20, not because I am an unreasonable and vindictive person, just because....well why wouldn't I?

[slithytove]

Rtft now, glad to hear you are feeling calmer and there seems to be a resolution found. I suggest you keep a note of what you have agreed and every so often assess how far you have come (e.g. Repairing damage) and what still needs to be done. This will keep it fresh and remind DD that some actions have long term consequences.

Hope it all goes well.

[hm32]

She needs to get a job and pay it all back. Until she does, no pocket money, no phone, no TV, no internet except for school work etc. Any luxury has gone. If she cannot get a job, she can clean/garden/do house work at a fair hourly rate for her age until it's all paid back. I've known 16 year olds left for the whole weekend - they did not do this.

[AuntFlossy]

Make her get a job and any wages she gets she has to pay to you until all damage has been repaid.

[toolonglurking]

Hi OP,

I did this to my parents when I was about 16 (I am now late 20s) and what I put them through still creeps into my mind now. It was quite a party - boys, booze, vomit, police etc.

My punishment was being banned from going to our final school disco, a punishment that to this day I feel was appropriate - I was utterly devastated. At the time I hadn't realised what 'pushing the boundaries' might do to my relationship with my parents.

Thankfully, my parents made clear to me that they loved me, but were very disappointed in the person I was becoming. They explained calmly how hurt they were that I had abused their trust and made clear that I was going to have to work very hard to get any trust back.

It took about 4-5 months before simple trust was returned, but after a few more months we rebuilt our relationship to the point that we can joke a little about it now.

I don't imagine that helps much but I just wanted to say that your daughter didn't do it to hurt you or because she doesn't respect you. I would wager she did it because she wanted to get away with it, and hadn't thought through the consequences.

[girlywhirly]

Sorry, didn't see the update. It's good that the culprits will be hit in their pockets.

[RhondaJean]

Oh led bless you I have a mental image of you and Thr goldfish bowl.

Op, I have a 14 yo and I would be livid. This is not normal or acceptable and I'd love to see all those who think it is when it happens to their own house.

There are seperate issues for me.

She has lied and that needs punished.

She has broken your trust and that needs built back up.

She has cost an awful lot of money and that needs repaid.

I would be sitting her down and asking how she intends to deal with these three things. Id have a punishment ready - probably no social life while she scrubs out the carpets etc (seems relevant) and no contact with the people who caused the damage (I think she might be relieved at that, I bet you any amount they ran amok and she panicked)

Trust - I don't know. I dont know how you rebuild after something like that. I would make sure she realises you aren't just angry but very hurt though because you expected more from her.

Cost - yes give her the bill. Ask her how to repay. See what she comes up with.

Don't give her all the answers in a rant - she got herself into it, give her the problems and see how she would intend to get out. The gardening is lame and would send me off on one but I think it was just an attempt to think of something.

[Quinteszilla]

I also did not see the update. You can hold off with your boarding school application.

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

It is shit luck. Many parties around the country go off fine. Many kids in her school will have had organised or surprise ones like this and they went fine. Some don't. It's shit luck as effectively all could go either way.

She didn't mean it. She didn't. She didn't trash her home. She might have invited a few boys but I bet she didn't really think this would happen. Because you don't do you? Her friends haven't. Why should she? She's 16, this might be her first real experience of choice and consequence!

She tried to clear up. She's 16. She did what she could and then waited for help.

Many people older make mistakes. Or are you perfect? No? Just holier than god eh?

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

Reply was to logge1 not op.

[5feralloinfruits]

I would definitay for the damage,either sell some stuff or get a job,and tell her you wont be leaving her along again for a very long time.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Minnie - shit luck? Hmmm, I think the odds of shit happening when you KNOWINGLY invite ex-sixth formers who are at least three years older than you and who have KNOWINGLY trashed other people's houses are very low.

[thegreylady]

You can't interfere with her revision but you can interfere with her leisure activities. I would let her go to the prom and would subsidise a dress.
However I would cancel the holiday and ground her until after GCSEs have finished. She will be leaving home in a couple of years and you need to get past this episode. Has she anything you can ebay to go towards compensation? She has been stupid and irresponsible but she is still your loved and loving daughter.
People are more important than things and a naughty child is still a child.

[thegreylady]

Sorry I missed the update you don't need advice you are a wonderful mum

[RhondaJean]

You make your own luck Minnie.

[Bramshott]

Glad you have calmed down this morning - it must have been one hell of a shock!

I think it's probably better if you (as you are doing) think more about natural consequences and less about 'punishment'. So your DD has betrayed your trust - that's going to take time to build back up, which is going to curtail her activities for a while. She's run up a large cleaning bill - so she's going to have to pay that back somehow, either by foregoing allowance/treats, or by getting a job (or both).