to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

Hey, you do not come across at any point as being 'smug'. I hope it all pans out ok for all of you.

A least she has confessed at this point, while all is easy to deal with, rather than later.

Good luck from a mum who has done the teen years twice (now age 30 and 19 and looking forward with dread to the teen years of the 8 and 7 year olds)

Do npt judge until you have been there!!

You're right SDTG - I'm appalled, disgusted, outraged and she should be made to feel freakishly bad and wrong. In fact, I'm contacting the Daily Mail - they love judging normal teenagers and demonising them.

Or perhaps you could actually understand and hear that I too would be angry and upset if this were me. I woudn't feel blase, I'd be in bits over it. But tI know it would be alienating and counter productive to respond with OTT shock at a rowdy house party and underage/unprotected sex. Anyone that says their dd doesn't have unprotected, underage sex or take drugs or go to house parties where houses get trash, simply does not know. You really don't. All of our mothers in the 80s thought we were all at each others houses having sleepovers or revising...mmm hmmm,

I think this is every parents worst nightmare. I've a weight in my belly just thinking about you and your poor daughter (I do genuinely pity her but admit I would probably have well and truly steamrolled her by now).Keep your chin up

A full blown trip to the GUM clinic is needed asap. A full STI test includes swabs and blood tests. And a nice talk from the GUM nurse about sexual health. Hopefully this will the wake-up call she needs. The party was bad enough but her sexual health is something she needs to take responsibility for the rest of her life.

I'm so sorry OP, I'm sure you'll make it through all of this. Are there grandparents/other family members who could look after her so you can all have a break from each other and calm down?

OP, I am so for you. I too have been where you are. Trusted and responsible dd, lots of discussion about the risks of unsupervised parties, and a return home (like you) to find house in full after-party shock. Ditto someone having had sex in our bed

I know that my dd didn't realise how out of hand it would get, and that in the midst of the party she was pretty terrified. She was then shitting herself about us returning home. As we discovered the extent of what had happened she had to face our fury, distress, disgust and disappointment. I think all of these were a big emotional 'punishment' which happened immediately.

The next set of 'punishments' were the obvious sanctions - total grounding, no phone use, no pc use etc.

Then there were longer term sanctions - no parties for months, and a concert cancelled (I know that really upset her).

It took a long time for us to rebuild our trust in her. I still feel sick at the thought of how it could have been so much worse, and I know she still feels sick at the thought of how much upset she caused. We had to work hard at liking her again, and she had to work hard at accepting that maybe we were right sometimes after all.

But we got through it, and she is now hard working, generous, funny, and bright, and we have a lovely and strong relationship. Things were wobbly for a while though.

Comeatme, I think a proportionate response is what most posters are advocating. OPs daughter has invited legally consenting adults into her family home in her absence to have sex with underage girls on her bed and do criminal damage while that at it, all in the name of "being a teenager". I think removing prom tickets, holidays and privileges is entirely proportionate.

Evilwolf, I agree. Common sense didn't prevail. The behaviour is disappointing at best, pretty friggin appalling otherwise and OP is right to be distressed. By all means keep open dialogue, but don't be a pushover. All children, and at 15 she is a child, need strong, non porous boundaries.

Thank goodness for your hand holding. Told dh as soon as he got home, told him dd did not know we knew.

Anyway, lots of tears later, had big cuddle, going to get her checked out.

Could this be done at gps?

She had cycled to drs yesterday to get the after pill or whatever it's called.

Parents rang and dh dealt with it.

Police visit tomorrow.

Boy was in year above, she wanted it, had planned it so definitely consensual.

Oh Christ almighty.
I would take her to a GUM clinic, away from your local area. Perhaps the gp can refer her to hospital?
She needs to be checked for pregnancy and stds.
Okay, deep breaths.
Be there for her now, she must be absolutely shitting herself and is in way over her head.

Gum clinic info

Whoever she had sex with broke the law and is a sex offender in the eyes of it seeing as she's 15. Yes, teenaged girls do have sex. But... there's a reason it's illegal at some previous comments here.

I would treat your daughter with some kindness OP - I have been lurking on this all day and was horrified and completely understood your initial anger; then very pleased by two subsequent updates which looked like things were getting sorted out - now horrified again by this.

GP visit is the right idea - his parents was it that rang that your DH dealt with? I would have been too upset/angry to manage it I think, hope he did a better job than I had done - regardless of the so-called 'consensual' nature of it. She can't legally consent, she's too young = legally he raped her.

I would take her to a sexual health clinic, she might feel less judged and they will probably give her better contraceptive advice

Oh bless her. It's hard to navigate this thing of growing up.

Take her to a GUM clinic, they will have a number in the phonebook or online, for one in your area. They usually have drop-in days, or you can make an apt.

OP well done, you are trying really hard to keep a difficult situation together.

You DD can't play the double card of wanting her freedom but refusing to accept the responsibility. Actions have consequences. Either less freedom and 'rents take responsibility or more freedom more responsibility. Not both.

Def get her sexual health checked, GP first for morning after pill, in case she didn't get it and bottled going to appointment as under 16. The STD clinic for tests next as too many STDs are asymptomatic and could impact her fertility in later years.

Remain calm and consistent. As MN says "it is a phase and it too will pass". Good luck x

I don't think talk of statutory rape or underage sex are helpful - the OP has said it was consensual. She now needs to support her daughter through the next few weeks.

Still Celia that is the case, regardless of whether it's 'unhelpful' or not.

What difference does it make? It will only make an awful situation worse to pursue that. The OP's daughter was guilty of making foolish decisions, she's not a victim of a sex crime.

When I was 17 I was in so many ways the most sensible teenager in the world. Offer from Cambridge that I was determined to get to so studied for ridiculous number of hours a week, played a sport to high level so rarely went out at weekends as I often had to leave at 5 am to get to tournaments, serious, long term boyfriend but not having sex as we both wanted to wait.

Seriously - polish my halo!

Except for one little thing I did occassionally. I would go "car racing". Involving finding a nice deserted spot and two cars - crammed full of other nice, "responsible" teenagers, (I've just worked out that 4 the occupants of the car I was in would less than six months later receive 12 As and 6 Bs at A level between them) would race. Think Danny and whatshisface in Grease. With passengers.

Just to ensure that you know how stupid this really was a lad in the year above us had, less than 6 months before, been killed in a similar car crash.

For some reason, we genuinely believed "it would never happen to us".

I'm not really sure what my point is - except thatmI think that teenagers in general - including your daughter are really really bad at risk assessment. It's damn obvious to us that inviting the sixth former "trashers" is really really stupid and asking for trouble - but she probably thought it would be "fine". Ditto unprotected sex. Risk of pregnancy / a life or fertility threatening illness vs risk that someone would see her buying a condom - not a tough one - but it is if you are 15.

Try to see this as s good chance to get her to understanding risk assessment - before she has friends who drive.

I have littlies at the moment but the thing I fear for teenagers more than anything else is cars. Most things can be fixed. A smashed up house can be cleaned and mended. Even an unwanted pregnancy is not a disaster however the teenager chooses to deal with it.

But a fatal car crash really is the end of the world.

There's a bucketload of psychiatric evidence that people under 25 are horrendous at assessing risks, actually, and therefore are just unequipped to really wrap their head around danger. I will see if I can dig up the BBC article on it.

Celia - I do have history with this which is why I'm probably ultra touchy about the underage sex issue having had some personal experiences I am not willing to share online (as I don't NC).

OP - I also had a massive houseparty aged 16 when my parents were away. However my lovely friends (after I got so drunk I passed out at 9pm) made sure nothing was damaged and mostly played board games in the garden and smoked a bit of pot. Dad only found out because we were too lazy to bag up the rubbish separately and put a tied up bag in a bin with rubbish already in it.

My parents were not very strict about it - mainly as nothing had been damaged and the house was actually cleaner than they'd left it (another tip off being a bleached loo which was a rarity when DM was in residence). But I can totally understand how a house-trashing followed by your DD's upsetting revelation would be very, very difficult and I think some posters here have massively minimised the impact on you, unfairly I think.

Brilliant post above. I have no idea what I'd do if my dd did this. I hope I'd react like the OP. It's fine to be furiously angry for a short while, then you just get on with trying to communicate with your child and work out how best to make things right and help them grow as a person.

the first bit....the house party, trashing, etc.
you are doing the exact right thing - police. absolutely. the teens involved in this need to put right their wrong and realise that actions have consequences. restorative justice would be perfect.

now....
your dd.
she will be feeling bad enough as it is.
she will feel absolutely that she let you down.
she is 15. you left her for the night - of course this is not your fault but i also have a highly responsible dd of 16 and hell would freeze over before i turned the house over to her....
so i think you have to bear just a tiny bit of responsibility too - she was clearly not ready for adult responsibility. you and she, have found that out the hard way.

go easy on the punishments. i can guarantee you she is feeling shitier than shite right now.
the damage to the carpets can be sorted.
the damage to your dd cant be replace so easily - she may need you more than you even realise right now. and while i can absolutely understand your anger and disappointment - try to reign it in a bit.
yes make her sell the festival ticket.
but allow her to go to prom.
and talk to her.
she has dropped a bollock and she will need her mum. the more angry you are the more she will act with bravado through it when im sure all she really wants is a good cry on your shoulder and to tell your how utterly sorry she is....

give her the chance to do that.
this is just one moment in time - it will pass, she made a mistake. dont make her pay for it forever.

Hear hear Vicar and Maryz

I think DD is probably feeling all sorts of emotions atm. And not good ones. The best lesson she can learn is respect and propriety. Not punishment, at this stage in her life. Some support wouldn't go amiss as I'm sure she feels extremely let down by her friends.

I respectfully disagree. I think when normally well behaved teens really fuck up like this (and this girl is only 15), it's perfectly ok to say, "You know, I'm so angry right now that I don't actually care about how you feel." That is, ultimately, their punishment. Knowing there is a limit on how big a tool they can be.

That said, the unprotected sex part needs to be treated with kindness and love. In a, "You ever shag in my bed again, you do this part on your own" way.

If the intention was to have the boyfriend round & have sex, why not "just" do that?

Why the whole party bollocks as well?