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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

435 replies

wotoodoo · 09/04/2014 01:38

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 09/04/2014 20:37

New sheets? I'd be replacing the whole lot.

TheAwfulDaughter · 09/04/2014 20:38

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Comeatmefam · 09/04/2014 20:39

Were you all ever teenagers or have I wandered into another universe??

She has 'messed up catastrophically'?

Yes a horrible, worrying discovery as a mother, I'd be upset and unsure how to broach the subject with my dd re her having unprotected sex (I have three daughters of nearly 14, nearly 13 and 11).

But fgs girls do and will always have sex (yes yours too! yes you who gave her 'the talk' and you whose dd is 'sensible and academic'). Especially at house parties. When their parents are away. I did! I took drugs, drank etc etc. I am a good mum in a good career with a great and happy family.

She needs to know the morning after pill is available and you do need to talk to her.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/04/2014 20:39

You do mean the morning after pill don't you? Not the mini pill?

TheAwfulDaughter · 09/04/2014 20:40

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YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 09/04/2014 20:40

Kopik my thoughts exactly. She doesn't want anyone to tell you anything because undoubtedly they'd either say she wasn't around or was busy having sex with so and so. She needs to know that you know. Get her to the GUM clinic. Good luck OP. FWiw I think you sound like a great mum.

YouTheCat · 09/04/2014 20:40

Did you get caught out though in such spectacular fashion, Comeatmefam?

defineme · 09/04/2014 20:42

Or the boy could have been the same age as her.

Comeatmefam · 09/04/2014 20:42

What do you mean?

TheAwfulDaughter · 09/04/2014 20:42

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Comeatmefam · 09/04/2014 20:47

The histrionic response to this is deeply worrying. Police. 'Catastrophe'. Fucking hell all my educated, perfectly well adjusted friends would be locked up by now if under age sex, drinking, rowdy house parties, petty vandalism had been reported 25 years ago. Luckily common sense prevailed and everyone has turned out absolutely fine.

ChasedByBees · 09/04/2014 20:47

How awful :(

I agree - all privileges gone, no holiday (she's not responsible enough to care for youngsters in another country) and no prom for the continued lying.

I'd also add on the cost of new bedding to the running total and tell her she is having STD checks.

defineme · 09/04/2014 20:50

I meant that if they're both underage and consenting then it's not a police matter.
However, if it is an 'ex 6th former' then it could be, though sounds like they were busy trashing the house.

Itsfab · 09/04/2014 20:51

Her saying that is what to expect from a teenager would make me more livid than the damage. What a madam!

And now telling her friends to stay quiet. I thought she was sorry? Any how, surely you know all the names so the police can get the contact details.

Make sure she has taken the morning after pill and I would be making her do a pregnancy test when she is due on. I initially thought she should go on the holiday as the family would be being let down but I would definitely now say she can't go on that now.

TawdryTatou · 09/04/2014 20:53

I think trashing the trust between her and her mum is catastrophic.

Kids forget their parents are human. Been through it. It takes ages to get over.

YouTheCat · 09/04/2014 20:54

But, comeatmefam, why should she get away with it? She has seriously messed up. If she wants to behave like an 'adult' then she has to take the consequences like one too - not being all immature, minimising the distress to her family and trying to get her friends to cover for her.

TawdryTatou · 09/04/2014 20:55

Catastrophe = a sudden and violent upheaval.

Yup.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/04/2014 20:58

Comeatme - would you be as blasé about this if it was your house that had been trashed and your irreplaceable items that had been destroyed? I know I would be every bit as cross as the OP, and I think it is very easy to say the OP is overreacting when it's not your house that's been basically vandalised.

specialsubject · 09/04/2014 20:59

wow. It does indeed get worse.

I don't think this is 'petty vandalism' and it is quite insulting to assume that 'all teens do this'. She invited some criminals, KNOWING their record, and look what happened. This was not some jolly childish jape.

the lying and telling friends to cover it up has to be knocked on the head. Bang go all the privileges for quite some time.

as for the sex; was she willing or was she raped? Obviously morning-AFTER pill, pregnancy test and STD check in both cases, but has this disaster got even worse?

defineme · 09/04/2014 20:59

I really don't think this is an overreaction and I had a similar sounding childhood Comeatmefan .
I don't think this vandalizing someone's home is to be taken lightly and I very much doubt that that's what happened at the house parties you remember either.

People partied at my house, I did the same in parent's bed, but there was never ever damage that couldn't be put right with a thorough clean up. Not £1000 worth of damage done by adults old enough to know better.

I am also very aware that the unprotected sex I had could have very easily been a catastrophe because a sti that mucked up my fertility or a baby at 15 would have been a catastrophe in my opinion.

Yes it's not unheard of behaviour-doesn't mean it's a necessary rite of passage or something.

I think if it had happened to the same extent at your house you'd be feeling a little histrionic yourself.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/04/2014 21:00

Do you know the worst bit for me is her comment

That is what to expect from a teenager.

None of the teenagers I know would do something like this, in fact she is the one not of the norm.
She doesn't even sound sorry, I'm not surprised you are mad.
I would make sure she pays the £1000 back for the mess she has made. Does she have a job if she is 16? If not, I'd take her to the job centre myself and get her working for her keep.

Comeatmefam · 09/04/2014 21:13

I have not been blase. I would not be blase if it happened to me - as I said earlier in the thread and later in the thread I would be upset, angry and unsure of how to proceed. I would however remember what it's like to be a teenager and what myself and peers got up to. Yes I would a) punish dd for trashing house and b) be upset re unprotected sex but I would respond accordingly. It would not involve police or endless punishments or catastrophic thinking.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 09/04/2014 21:13

I would not treat STD tests as a punishment. DD needs to learn that they are a necessary consequence of sex without a condom in this setting. Please dont make it seem dirty just sensible.

My suspicion is that the lying and taking the mini pill (where did that come from?) as a childish desire to make the whole thing go away. Especially given how cross you were about the damage (not that you were unreasonable about that).

She is 15 nearly 16 and it sounds like she is woefully ignorant about contraception. This makes useful reading. It is well worth discussing what the rates actually mean.

Just to be clear: 60 women (including 15 year old girls) out of 100 using no contraception will get 100% pregnant within a year. Not a bit pregnant but 100% knocked up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/04/2014 21:30

"The histrionic response to this is deeply worrying. Police. 'Catastrophe'. Fucking hell all my educated, perfectly well adjusted friends would be locked up by now if under age sex, drinking, rowdy house parties, petty vandalism had been reported 25 years ago. Luckily common sense prevailed and everyone has turned out absolutely fine."

Saying the response has been histrionic, downplaying what happened by likening it to the petty vandalism and rowdy parties your friends went in for, and saying all your friends turned out fine sounds pretty blasé to me.

diddl · 09/04/2014 21:37

OP, are you sure that the messages are real & she's not making it up?

Either way, you need to know!

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