to want to punish my dd for getting house trashed

[wotoodoo]

Dd is nearly 16, has always been totally responsible. Dh and I had an opportunity to spend night away and we talked it through, as she has gcses she said she just wanted a quiet night with one friend over for a sleepover which we agreed.

We came back to utter destruction. Every carpet wet from her desperate attempts at cleaning up sick and she had washed sheets and floors.

But our drinks had all gone, glass shards outside, lighting fixtures and oven broken, stains on sofas, trashed bedrooms.

I have asked her for the list of who was there and also I got some mob. numbers.

I have texted some of those who I know of and they have given me names of some former 6th formers who caused most of the damage.

I have called the police and now have a ref. number. The police are going to interview 2 main suspects but there will be opportunity to go through it with them when they call round.

My dh and I are absolutely livid with dd. I want to ask what is suitable punishment. All trust has gone, I estimate there is £1000 worth of damage. Dh had got her a ticket to a music festival which he says he is not going to give her now and I said she cannot go to her school prom.

Please help me. I can't keep shouting at her. Some of the damage is irreplaceable. I am so saddened that our trust was misplaced.

She has offered to do the gardening in compensation and says that's what to expect from a teenager.

What punishment is suitable and how do I speak to /treat her in a kind loving way ever again?

She knew this would happen as she is intelligent which makes it worse.

You need to talk to her calmly and you need to take her for tests.

I would go into the bedroom with the ipod and ask her to read it. First thing in the morning I would make an appt at the nearest sexual health clinic and take her there. She may well have made this up_ but I would not listen to a word and take it seriously. Take it at your own pace. Do not say anything you will regret.

I have 3 daughters.

You've got to watch the really responsible studious types. I was really good as a child but just sort of snapped when I hit around 15 and turned into a total tearaway.

You need to let her know yiu have seen her messages because she MUST go to the sexual health clinic, her mortification will be complete.

OP, poor you. It gets worse. I stand by my previous post. See ^^

1. Allow her to go to prom but don't pay for it, drive her there and back
2. Revision now, summer jobs afterwards, don't let this effect her future
3. No to holiday babysitting job, she can't be trusted to supervise herself let alone other kids
4. Full written inventory, she pays every penny in full minus how much you can sell festival ticket for

Plus as green folder says show her the iPad and drag her down to the sexual health clinic or GP. She has not covered herself in glory has she. Poor you , .

You say mini pill - did she say that or morning after pill?

op I assumed you meant she took a morning after pill but I've realised now that's not what you tyoed. When did this happen?

Take her the ipod, show it to her, and read her what you have read (so she cant delete it as she sees it). Then, tomorrow, she has to go to the local STI clinic, get the morning after pill and tests for STIs. Not telling you about that, was probably embarrassment. So once that's done, it's done.

The other bit - telling her friends to say nothing - she loses ALL privileges over that. You do not need her to think lying is still acceptable. So the prom is now lost (perhaps with the possibility of earning it back); she's grounded for the foreseeable future. No internet access without supervision (over her shoulder) to print off what she needs. No phone at all. House phone needs a password put on it so she can't use it. No electronics at all.

None of this seems too bad now (not great but not criminal charges) - but this is your first episode. She needs to know it is NOT acceptable, and that will stop it repeating/escalating. She needs to see your great disappointment, and sorrow over her behaviour - not your anger. Your anger will let her get angry at you. Your disappointment, worry over her safety, and sorrow, will make her sad.

Oh dear!it gets worse :( I also think going in with the ipod, asking her to check it and calmly talking about it (not going in all blazing) would be the way to go, however, if it were me

1. I would try to calmly talk and tell DD that to be safe, she needs to have a full std check up. Stay reassuring and supportive for that one,

2. try to talk to DD about why she was scared to use protection? Rhonda summed it up perfectly.

3. that I am disappointed that from the messages, she has reneged on the agreement and told her friends to say nothing.

My own DH would like to add that if this happened to us, we would also, like pp, add the cost of a new mattress to the total.

Definitely no to the holiday, no matter how good it will look on her cv.

A calm talk about condoms and stds is in order and an embarrassing trip to the gum clinic.

As for the telling friends to say nothing - no prom at all. No way. She wouldn't be leaving the house for anything other than school if she was mine and I say that as a terribly liberal parent of 2 19 year olds.

Don't understand why all the stress about cleaning or revision over Easter? Surely there's not enough cleaning to warrant 14 hrs plus a day, so why can't she do both?

With regard to the 'holiday', of greater concern to me is not whether it is a treat for her, or whether it 'counts' or not as she's not paying for it, but whether she is trustworthy enough to go in an au pair capacity. You say your friends hold her in good esteem, so want her to go, but you, her parents, thought she would never betray your trust and you were obviously mistaken. It's bad enough that your house and possessions got trashed, how bad would you feel if something happened to your friends' children when under her care? She is obviously not as mature/trustworthy as you thought she was.

I think it's lovely that so many of her friends apologised to you by the way.

And slightly off topic, why are people on MN so against proms? Just because it's American? You do understand the concept of cultural interchange, right? How come some American imports, like supermarkets/basketball (or other sport)/tv shows/drive throughs are jolly good, but others (prom, baby showers, trick or treating) are so awful?

OP, make sure you change your Mumsnet password.

What a shocking update. I would be really shocked and upset by that. You may never know the truth about what happened though.
How can she have been so stupid . She was stupid to have sex, stupid to have unprotected sex, stupid to acknowledge what happened in texts or social media and incredibly disrespectful and stupid to do it in your bed.

I'm happy for my older teens to have sex in my house but only within long term relationships and only in their own bloody beds!! I'm not a prude but i would be slightly freaked out in your situation.

Oh crikey, OP I am reelin jjust reading this.

I think you did the right thing involving the police and trying to contact other parents, etc. What a blow finding the messages must have been. I agree with other posters saying that you should show her that you have read these messages (you have good reason to have read them given the fact that you currently ferl you cannot trust her) and then take her to the GP and get her checked out.

I have a DD a year younger and am now feeling even more concerned about leaving her home alone overnight any time soon.

The continued lying would make me ramp up the punishments a lot.

Me too. It's the lying more than anything else and getting her friends to lie too.

Shit, poor you OP.

Yes she needs to get tested and if she has taken a minipill instead of the morning after pill she needs to tell you so you can talk to a GP about your options.

You must be so disappointed, I really feel for you.

Not against proms per se. Harmless, really.

But, they are utterly shallow, and from what I know (work in a school so not entirely clueless) the things the kids get excited about are the expensive dress, hair, limo, nails, fake tan, etc that go with it.

Just more shallow crap on top of the shallow crap our society shoves at kids day in day out.

Nowt to do with rites of passage. It's all about the bling. Tasteless.

Just twigged she's underage too

Talk to her about what happened, is this a boyfriend? Was she drunk? Was it planned?

Do you mean the morning after pill rather than the mini pill-or is she that misinformed?
If she hasn't taken morning after pill then there are late opening chemists-our nearest is open to 11pm.
She will also need sti testing.
I'm sorry-this must be very upsetting.
I was a silly irresponsible girl whose parents thought she was untra sensible. I had unprotected sex and did a lot of things I shouldn't have.
My parents never found out.
I am now a very sensible clean living professional with a happy family.
Sometimes good kids do stupid things for no particular reason.
Face her with the reality of this stupidity, but don't go mad-it won't help.

As far as OP's daughter goes, full STD check and the lifestyle of a nun from now until she 'gets it'.

She has messed up catastrophically. If the worst result is a missed prom and a pissed off mum, she needs to know she got off lightly. Better than HIV.