to be pissed off my cousin is in this shit situation and i cant report it to soical services as they have a previous record of making the situation worse ?

[hammythehamster]

Name changed for this so as to be not to be recognized in real life, ( although i highly doubt the family i am talking about are the type of people to be logging into mumsnet.)

I'm a student, and have recently got back from spending a long weekend with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and Uncle are heavily involved in the day to day care of their granddaughter, ( my cousins daughter, so technically my second cousin,) but have no legal rights over her. She's 14 and there have been ongoing serious issues with her mum and mum's boyfriend for years. For security reasons i'm going to refer to my cousin by the pseudonym Bella throughout this thread.

I hope people don't mind, but this has been an ongoing mess for over a decade, so it's hard to summarize everything succinctly into one post but i'm doing my best, although this may come out as jumbled and less clear than i intend.

So basically:

1. Bella's mum split up with Bella's dad when she was 2. Sees her dad occasionally but little regular contact, dad does not want responsibility of being involved with her seriously, has been periods of 3 + years without contact, ( his choice,) but now lives locally in a one bedroom flat with his new girlfriend.

2. 10 years ago Bella's mum got together with new boyfriend, total an utter twat "Billy." Bella is very uncomfortable around Billy because it has been a very violent relationship, witnessed many physical fights between him and her mum, hospitalized her mum, chased her mum down the street with a knife, smashed up an ipad and iphone of Bella's which were presents to her from her grandparents, ( my aunt and uncle.) Smashed up her grandparents car, sent many abusive text messages to her grandparents, ( basically threats to kill,) when they expressed concerns. The police are aware of some of these incidents, and at one time Bella and her mum were moved into a flat with specialist domestic violence pull cords, but a couple of years later mum go back together with him again, although now they are living separately, my cousin wants to spend alot of time at his house, understandably Bella does not want to go. The relationship is still violent, ( although as far as i'm aware not as bad a s a few years ago,) and Billy is still very, very controlling.

3. Partially because of their problems re the boyfriend, and partly cos my cousin is frankly horrible, her and Bella do not have a good relationship, and she genuinely seems to be spoiling Bella's teenage years, which really saddens me as this should be a carefree time in her life. She is constantly belittling Bella and calling her fat to her face, telling her her clothes make her look fat etc, ( this was in front of me this weekend so i know it's true,) and telling her she's so horrible that nobody would want to spend any time with her. Also spends many nights away for her job/ staying at Billy's house, leaving Bella aged 14 alone for nights on end, sometimes without much food in he house. Bella told a teacher at school this, who phoned my cousin up, but Bella's mum said she was lying, and school left it. ( which i think is appalling, given the social services history*.)

4. After this, Bella was so desperate for some attention, ( this was at a time earlier this year when her mum was banning her from contact with her grandparents, who she normally spends weeks at a time with, due to complaints they had made to social services.) Bella brought vodka into school, ( new school only been there since September,) and started drinking it in lessons. Bella caught and suspended from school, but her mum and Billy have now used this as an excuse to further isolate her from her friends, banning her from seeing any children outside of school, and taking her phone away. Also Billy, ( even though has no right,) regularly uses his time not working, instead of looking for a job, checking facebook to make sure she doesn't have an account as she is being punished, ( really they are just annoyed she put Facebook statuses explaining she was being left alone and what horrible people they were.) It feels the complete ban on an fb account after this, ( not a temporary punishment for being suspended but an indefinite one,) is really his was of further isolating her/ making her life a misery.

5. Social services History: Reported by a distant relative when Bella was 8, mum lied, SS didn't listen to anyone else, case closed.

Last October, re-opened due to neighbors complaints about violent rows, Bella's mum temporarily in police custody but case dropped due to lack of evidence :( ( despite Bella's statement and police photographs of bruises on Bella.) As soon as ss closed the case, Bella's mum stopped all contact between her parents and Bella, as during the investigation her parents had told social services the truth about what had been happening.

During that five months my aunt and uncle, ( Bella's grandparents,) were hysterical with worry about what was happening to Bella. Bella's mum is now bored of having her in the house so is allowing her to stay for weeks on end at my aunt and uncles again. But it's no life for a child, as Bella has no security as to when she will be forced home, Bella's mum still comes round and forces her go to Billy's house for visits occaisionally, and still refuses to let Bellas grandparents let Bella see hher friends. Reguarly comes round and calls her fat etc.

The worst thing is Billy has still banned bella from seeing her grandparents, so Bellas is lying to him that Bella is in her house alone. He lives in he same town, and Bellas grandparents have to be very careful where they take her, as if he sees her with them he will force her mum to take her home. He checks their fb reguarly from different accounts and so they are not allowed to put any photos of bella on it, as again if he found out sshe was at their house he would make her mum remove her. He once saw a video of Bella on youtube, recognized her grandparents wallpaper in the background and made bella's mum get out of bed and take her home.

So i want to report this to soical services, so her grandparents can gain some legal rights and tell Bella's mum and Billy to fuck the fuck off, of course i do. Bella is such a lovely girl and deserrves a normal childhood, not one in fear and hiding from this nutter.

But i can't do it, becuase both times SS have been involved before nothin has been done, despite Bella, her granparents/ wider family/ neighbours etc telling them whats happening. So if i call them im basically going to cause Bella's mum to take her away again. I could not do that as it would make bella's life hell, but by not calling them she has this half life, where she has to constantly hide in her hometownso Billy does not find her with her grandparents.

Absolutly fed up, any genuine advice wuld e welcome, soical services are great at taking babies away at birth but bloody useless when there is actual abuse/ neglect/ sheer dysfunction going on around older children teenagers.. Sorry for the length of post.
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Thank you for all the support on this board.

My aunt and uncle are being helped by their solicitor to apply for residence, he says they still have a a very good chance.

to answer a few questions:

1. It has since come out that Billy found out from another child in the family that Bella was staying at her grandparents and they may be seeking legal advice. It seems highly likely that that is why he turned up, very angry, to pick a fight with my uncle.

2. My uncle is not a violent man. When I said earlier Billy was aggressively accusing him of being a pedophile that is putting it in polite language, ( he was shouting in my uncles face about the various sexual positions he believed my uncle wanted to have Bella in, I still cannot type what he actually said as it makes me feel physically sick. ) I really, really doubt many people when accused in graphic detail of having a sexual relationship with their 14 year old granddaughter would stay calm, and that is without considering the YEARS of misery Billy has put my aunt and uncle through. It's also worth noting that Billy is at least 25 years younger than my uncle.

3. It is also worth noting that the landlady is pressing charges against Billy for threatening her and he is currently on bail, ( and likewise damage your house and car was the EXTREMELY polite version of what he said to the landlady.) So other people who actually witnessed the situation know exactly who's fault it was.

The main thing is Bella is still with her grandparents and feeling more secure.

That's good, let's hope Bella stays with uncle and aunt. It really does not help her mother that she us involved with a violent abusive man with a criminal record, recently out on bail. Tge neighbour is pressing charges. Hopefully that will strengthen things. It really seems as though Bella is happy with her auntie and uncle, I hope she stays there oermentntly. Please do not tell anybody that you know what is happening, tell Bella not to. I would apply for an injunction against billy too.

It is worrying that billy is coming out with that stuff, is it what he wants to do to Bella mabey. Hence his control and trying to isolate her, why is he so obsessed with her, she is not his dd?

Did Bella say what she wanted to the solicitor?

"It has since come out that Billy found out from another child in the family that Bella was staying at her grandparents"

Now why isn't that at all surprising?

The oddest thing is his insistance that Bella be left alone at home & not at friends/GPs.

He doesn't want to be part of a family so why does he give a stuff?

I do hope that things get sorted out.

If nothing else that she can get away from her mum & Billy.

Mum has also been abusive, is forcing Bella to be around billy is also very concerning. All thus should strengthen case for resisency

If dad has PR then can he give his permission for her to live with her grandparents?

Billy and Bella's mum are two very abusive, toxic and dangerous individuals

Yep i know, we have no idea why he is so insistent that Bella should be locked in her mum's house by herself all the time.

Yep Bella has told the solicitor alot.

1. How she has been locked in the house for a week with little food before.
2. Her mum continually calling her fat and telling her she looks ugly in clothes etc.
3. Billy and her mum stopping her seeing friends outside of school.
4. Billy smashing up her phone and ipad earlier in the year, Billy banning her from facebook etc.
5. Fed up of being forced to visit Billy with her mum and hear their violent rows, the chasing with a knife etc.
6. The horrible time she had when she lived with her mum and Billy.
7. The fact that both her mum and Billy get very angry and shout in her face continually, and that her mum has hit her regularly.
8. also confirmed about Billy pouring buckets of piss over his neighbors cats when she was staying there.
9. How her mum was doing a uni degree at the local uni but her mum had to quit because Billy went mental and ripped up her mum's uni books in front of her.

She's also pointed out that she has been staying at her grandparents for most of the time since she was very young.

And how billy has been speaking to other children in the family using fake facebook accounts, ( weird names like "a true chocoholic," or "the eagle," with cartoon profile pictures,) as a way to gain information and then be abusive and rude to the children he is messaging.

What dyd solicitor say. Ixpect he was very interested, hence that's why he was positive about your grandparents residency application

God he is a paedophile, did you and Bella tell the solicitor this. He has a very unhealthy interest in Bella and mum is exposing her to,this and not keeping her safe, not only that she is emotionally abusive to Bella

Tell tge solicitor this information regarding tge different facebook names and pictures being used by billy to abuse and children.

I admire your courage. I know this is anonymous but would it be wise (now you have legal advice) to stop posting on mn? For the sake of court proceedings. Or if you find you need support on here then might be good to throw a few red herrings in and not give so much information. Sounds like you are a lifeline to Bella!

aeroflogirl-yep we have shown the solicitor the three different fb accounts ( we are aware of ) that he uses to talk to other children in the family on, and have shown the solicitor transcripts of messages between him and other children in the family, ( which whilst aren't sexual just dervive around finding out what Bella is doing and telling them not to talk to Bella. )

That is still very concerning, his unhealthy obsession with Bella

To answer your question OP, yes Bella's voice will carry a hell of a lot of weight (this is why I said I still think you have a strong case). In the scheme of things Billy's behaviour is way waay more concerning than your uncles (off the chart in fact), but I just wanted you to be prepared for if/ when your uncle's caution shows up on Cafcass' checks. He will have to show some remorse and try to not retaliate if provoked in future.

To clarify, Bella is unlikely to to be called to give evidence in court, instead it is likely that she wi be interviewed by Cafcass where she can discuss her views and experiences more fully in a comfortable setting and the report writer will recommendation as to what should happen next. I'd be very very surprised if they didn't go with Bella's wishes given her age.

F you want to keep this thread for a while but don't want it to show up in search engines and stuff you can report it to MNHQ and they can move it to the hidden bit of of MN.

It is still there to those already on the thread but not so obviously out for anyone connected to Billy to discover!

Thanks zipzap, but it's ok Bella's mum or Billy are not the type of people to be using mumsnet, and if they were to google search Bella or Billy's name they wouldn't find anything as obviously the names i've used in this, so "Bella," "Billy" "Stacey" and "Polly" are all pseudonyms.

I'm so glad that she has you on her side. You sound like a lovely person and every child in a vulnerable situation needs someone like you.

Has anybody asked bella about sexual abuse or grooming?

There are quite strong links between domestic violence,animal abuse and sexual abuse.

It's quite worrying that billy wants to isolate Bella away from her family and friends, like he wants her for himself. The mum is facilitating this. If mum and billy come round for Bella call the police.hopefully Bella feels safe and able to say no to them.