to be pissed off my cousin is in this shit situation and i cant report it to soical services as they have a previous record of making the situation worse ?

[hammythehamster]

Name changed for this so as to be not to be recognized in real life, ( although i highly doubt the family i am talking about are the type of people to be logging into mumsnet.)

I'm a student, and have recently got back from spending a long weekend with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and Uncle are heavily involved in the day to day care of their granddaughter, ( my cousins daughter, so technically my second cousin,) but have no legal rights over her. She's 14 and there have been ongoing serious issues with her mum and mum's boyfriend for years. For security reasons i'm going to refer to my cousin by the pseudonym Bella throughout this thread.

I hope people don't mind, but this has been an ongoing mess for over a decade, so it's hard to summarize everything succinctly into one post but i'm doing my best, although this may come out as jumbled and less clear than i intend.

So basically:

1. Bella's mum split up with Bella's dad when she was 2. Sees her dad occasionally but little regular contact, dad does not want responsibility of being involved with her seriously, has been periods of 3 + years without contact, ( his choice,) but now lives locally in a one bedroom flat with his new girlfriend.

2. 10 years ago Bella's mum got together with new boyfriend, total an utter twat "Billy." Bella is very uncomfortable around Billy because it has been a very violent relationship, witnessed many physical fights between him and her mum, hospitalized her mum, chased her mum down the street with a knife, smashed up an ipad and iphone of Bella's which were presents to her from her grandparents, ( my aunt and uncle.) Smashed up her grandparents car, sent many abusive text messages to her grandparents, ( basically threats to kill,) when they expressed concerns. The police are aware of some of these incidents, and at one time Bella and her mum were moved into a flat with specialist domestic violence pull cords, but a couple of years later mum go back together with him again, although now they are living separately, my cousin wants to spend alot of time at his house, understandably Bella does not want to go. The relationship is still violent, ( although as far as i'm aware not as bad a s a few years ago,) and Billy is still very, very controlling.

3. Partially because of their problems re the boyfriend, and partly cos my cousin is frankly horrible, her and Bella do not have a good relationship, and she genuinely seems to be spoiling Bella's teenage years, which really saddens me as this should be a carefree time in her life. She is constantly belittling Bella and calling her fat to her face, telling her her clothes make her look fat etc, ( this was in front of me this weekend so i know it's true,) and telling her she's so horrible that nobody would want to spend any time with her. Also spends many nights away for her job/ staying at Billy's house, leaving Bella aged 14 alone for nights on end, sometimes without much food in he house. Bella told a teacher at school this, who phoned my cousin up, but Bella's mum said she was lying, and school left it. ( which i think is appalling, given the social services history*.)

4. After this, Bella was so desperate for some attention, ( this was at a time earlier this year when her mum was banning her from contact with her grandparents, who she normally spends weeks at a time with, due to complaints they had made to social services.) Bella brought vodka into school, ( new school only been there since September,) and started drinking it in lessons. Bella caught and suspended from school, but her mum and Billy have now used this as an excuse to further isolate her from her friends, banning her from seeing any children outside of school, and taking her phone away. Also Billy, ( even though has no right,) regularly uses his time not working, instead of looking for a job, checking facebook to make sure she doesn't have an account as she is being punished, ( really they are just annoyed she put Facebook statuses explaining she was being left alone and what horrible people they were.) It feels the complete ban on an fb account after this, ( not a temporary punishment for being suspended but an indefinite one,) is really his was of further isolating her/ making her life a misery.

5. Social services History: Reported by a distant relative when Bella was 8, mum lied, SS didn't listen to anyone else, case closed.

Last October, re-opened due to neighbors complaints about violent rows, Bella's mum temporarily in police custody but case dropped due to lack of evidence :( ( despite Bella's statement and police photographs of bruises on Bella.) As soon as ss closed the case, Bella's mum stopped all contact between her parents and Bella, as during the investigation her parents had told social services the truth about what had been happening.

During that five months my aunt and uncle, ( Bella's grandparents,) were hysterical with worry about what was happening to Bella. Bella's mum is now bored of having her in the house so is allowing her to stay for weeks on end at my aunt and uncles again. But it's no life for a child, as Bella has no security as to when she will be forced home, Bella's mum still comes round and forces her go to Billy's house for visits occaisionally, and still refuses to let Bellas grandparents let Bella see hher friends. Reguarly comes round and calls her fat etc.

The worst thing is Billy has still banned bella from seeing her grandparents, so Bellas is lying to him that Bella is in her house alone. He lives in he same town, and Bellas grandparents have to be very careful where they take her, as if he sees her with them he will force her mum to take her home. He checks their fb reguarly from different accounts and so they are not allowed to put any photos of bella on it, as again if he found out sshe was at their house he would make her mum remove her. He once saw a video of Bella on youtube, recognized her grandparents wallpaper in the background and made bella's mum get out of bed and take her home.

So i want to report this to soical services, so her grandparents can gain some legal rights and tell Bella's mum and Billy to fuck the fuck off, of course i do. Bella is such a lovely girl and deserrves a normal childhood, not one in fear and hiding from this nutter.

But i can't do it, becuase both times SS have been involved before nothin has been done, despite Bella, her granparents/ wider family/ neighbours etc telling them whats happening. So if i call them im basically going to cause Bella's mum to take her away again. I could not do that as it would make bella's life hell, but by not calling them she has this half life, where she has to constantly hide in her hometownso Billy does not find her with her grandparents.

Absolutly fed up, any genuine advice wuld e welcome, soical services are great at taking babies away at birth but bloody useless when there is actual abuse/ neglect/ sheer dysfunction going on around older children teenagers.. Sorry for the length of post.
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Heartbreaking. No real advice to give, just hand holding to someone more knowledgeable comes along.

In case this makes a difference, Bella is an only child.

Another worry,Bella's grandparents are going on a two week holiday to Greece to visit their other daughter in May, ( their other daughter lives i Greece, she is perfectly normal.) So Bella will have to spend two weeks with her mum/ billy. I'm extremely worried, cannot offer to go and stay with her a si will be on a placement for my degee during that time.

Thanks for the handholding girlnextdoor :)

hammythehamster I truly wish I could give you some advice. I grew up with an abusive mother, nothing ever got reported to SS though, the school and my relatives just didn't want to believe my sister and I.

Do not underestimate, the niaive belief held by many that all mums love and care for their children. It astounds me now, the things people say to me when I try to explain what went on.

All I can say is that hopefully once Bella is old enough she will choose to live with her grandparents, I think she should be able to decide at 16?

Yep she has already said as soon as she is 16 living with her grandparents full time, i just hope she is not truly damaged by the next two years.

That sounds horrendous. Poor Bella. Aside from the Greece holiday point, could she move in with her grandparents? Would the police/SS really force a 14 year old to go home in such cases - other people will hopefully know.

A bit of legal advice might be in order. I'm pretty sure that if Bella wants to stay with her grandparents and is prepared to say so through a court (and explain why) then she could be 'emancipated' from her mum at age 14.

Yes that is what i'm hoping for really, some legal advice I could give to my aunt and uncle, would be really helpful. Their terrified to rock the boat unless they know they have a pretty sold case.

Points in their favor i guess is that Bella is very happy with them, has stayed there for weeks at a time since she was very young, they think she will be there this whole Easter holiday, she has her own room at their house etc.

Also the likelihood if they were to be given legal rights/ residence of Bella, could they court order that Billy have no contact, given that he's not Bella's real dad and definitely doesn't add anything to the lives of Bella or my aunt and uncle.

Also she was a given a cat by a social worker, they took it away as punishment for the vodka in school incident, ( who the fuck takes a cat away fr a punishment ?) and now won't say where it is. I have a horrible feeling the cat's been abandoned somewhere :(

Are you Bella?

You sound very emotionally involved and the language you use suggests personal involvement (rather than a secon cousin).

I would recommend that Bella approaches a local Advocacy service who can help her express her own wishes on this. At 14 she is old enough to have an opinion on her care BUT she may not be mature enough to express it clearly or even to seperate the emotion from the logical "best interests"

No i'm not Bella,, i'm genuinely her second cousin, ( or first cousin once removed etc.)

I think i feel emotional cos I've always been very fond of her, and have just spent the weekend with her. It is upsetting to hear about a 14 year old having her stuff smashed up, or hear her mum calling her fat, or offer to take her to town at the weekend when i was staying there, but here her say she cant.'t go cos Billy might see her and become abusive.

I know it might seem like a second cousin shouldn't be emotional as wouldn't be that involved, but you've got to remember that because she has spent alot of time with her grandparents I have seen her more than my other second cousins so i probably sound more attached than the typical second cousin etc.

Sounds horrific.

I know one of dd's friends put herself in foster care when she was about 14 as she was being abused at home and various measures from SS had made no difference. I have no idea how she went about it but it was her own idea to do it.

Sorry, I wasn't saying whatemotion you should or shouldn't feel - I actually felt like the narrative was your own.

Anyway, there is no reason not to call SS but you would have to describe exactly what sort of harm you feel she is at risk of with clear reasons why. It is vague "somethings wrong" reports that are easily brushed aside.

What does Bella actually want to happen? Has she expressed her own wishes and feelings?

Also, my personal experience of Bella is that she is emotionally younger than the average 14 year old, ( still likes High school musical, loud announcements to family about boys at school etc.) so i'm worried in some ways this emotional immaturity makes her more vulnerable. Personally i think it likely stems from being isolated from other children so much and the numerous school changes she's had throughout her childhood.

However in other ways Bella does seem quite mature, she has a wide vocabulary, views on politics etc so quite hard to put my finger on it. Overall i'd say intelligent but slightly socially immature ?

Talk to Bella about what she actually wants to happen.

My advice would be for her to go to social services herself, with you as support and give them chapter and verse about her situation. She is at risk of harm should she remain with mum and ss are obliged to deal with it.

It may also be worth finding a local solicitor who is on the family law panel for Bella and asking if they do the free half hour consultation.

Emphasise that she is at risk of harm.

Good luck.

Yes but the family fear social services, because in October everybody, ( including Bella who made police statements about the abuse,) told them exactly what was happening. This was backed up by neighbors calling the police out themselves, which should have corroborated complaints etc. Previous complaints from v distant cousin from when she was younger etc and police reports about her running away. Plus the domestic violence of Billy to her mum must of been known about officially if her mum got a dv specialist flat.

But all this effort caused her mum ( and Billy) to ban contact with her grandparents and ss to close the case. So now the family is terrified of a similar thing happening, ss have shown themselves to be completely useless and this has destroyed family trust in them.

I would suggest consulting a solicitor and/or the NSPCC. Bella is 14, which is old enough to have her wishes taken into account. As there are police statements on record of violence towards her, it might be possible for her to 'divorce' her moher (I can't rememmber the exact term) and move in with her grandparents. She is a person, not property and there should be some help available.

Bella can ask the school to open a CAF for her. Any agencies that work with teenagers can do this, and at her age she does not need parental agreement or permission to do this (I think can be done without parental involvement at all if a teenager wishes it so). She can then state what she sees as her issues and what she wants to change and the CAF team will then call a meeting for her and work out which professionals to involve. If you ring your local authority and ask for the CAF helpdesk they will be able to tell you how to go about it and make sure Bella isn't brushed off if she asks.

As someone with many years experience in ss, I have never heard of that level of concern simply being ignored. It is still pretty much your only way to keep Bella safe.

Really keep on emphasising the risk of harm to them and look into the legal avenue for her. At her age, what she tells them cannot be ignored and they have an obligation to help her.

Yes, i know i find it unbelievable they won't help my cousin, especially when that recent programme 15,000 kids and counting showed children being taken into care for alot less. It has really lowered my opinion of ss i'm afraid, ( which is worrying as i'm training as a primary teacher so should be working with them in the future,) but it does seem if your not a baby/ toddler they don't want to know :(

After everything that happened in October, I cannot see Bella approaching them again, her trust in them is simply nil after that.

What i was hoping someone could advise me was if she has stayed at her grandparents continuously for a certain number of nights ( e.g 28 etc ) would they then be able to apply for parental rights. Is there anyway to do that without ss being involved or is it automatic in the family courts process.

Try the CAF help desk. I've seen the CAF process help teenagers leave abusive/unhappy homes, the child is the prime client and not the parents. Social services will not be involved by the CAF team unless they have safeguarding issues too serious to handle, in which case you have a team of professionals informing and working with SS and they will very definitely be worried about making Bella's situation worse by the wrong kind of action.

And Bella's mum/ Billy will definitely not be informed of a CAF ? But both her grandparents/ me/ other relatives could contribute to it ?

This also sounds stupid but what is a CAF ? what is the difference between that and child protection etc.

There's definitely no way this could go to the family courts without social services input ?

Also if her grandparents refused to release her to her mum, would police make her go ? or would they normally let a 14 year old stay where they want in this situation.

SS knows how much my family hate them, when they failed last time my aunt told them happened she would sue them if by their not listening anything to Bella.

What would you want the final outcome to be hammy?

What does Bella's mum say about all of this? You must have discussed your concerns with her at some point. What is her POV about it all?

Sorry, I understand you think Bella would be better off with her GP'S, but when the GP's have Bella living with them full time, how do you see things moving forward from there?

Is Billy living with Bella's mum or are they living separately?

Do Bella's GP'S want to have Bella living with them permanently?

Try this site.

www.nelincs.gov.uk/resident/family-information-and-children-s-centres/where-do-i-go-if-i-need-support-/common-assessment-framework-caf-helping-parents-ca/

Many CAFs are initiated for parents, where parents want support for their children. However a child of Bella's age can have a CAF and ask for a CAF without needing parental permission if THEY themselves give permission, and it will be done with them so nothing should happen that Bella is not fully aware of and in agreement with. If you ring up your local authority (council) and ask to speak to the CAF helpdesk they can answer all the questions you have and identify who could fill out the forms with Bella.

It may be possible for Bella's grandparents to get the Court's permission to apply for a Residence Order, but they really do need good rl legal advice.

Can your aunt and uncle afford to get solicitors specialising in Family Law to act on their behalf?