to be pissed off my cousin is in this shit situation and i cant report it to soical services as they have a previous record of making the situation worse ?

[hammythehamster]

Name changed for this so as to be not to be recognized in real life, ( although i highly doubt the family i am talking about are the type of people to be logging into mumsnet.)

I'm a student, and have recently got back from spending a long weekend with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and Uncle are heavily involved in the day to day care of their granddaughter, ( my cousins daughter, so technically my second cousin,) but have no legal rights over her. She's 14 and there have been ongoing serious issues with her mum and mum's boyfriend for years. For security reasons i'm going to refer to my cousin by the pseudonym Bella throughout this thread.

I hope people don't mind, but this has been an ongoing mess for over a decade, so it's hard to summarize everything succinctly into one post but i'm doing my best, although this may come out as jumbled and less clear than i intend.

So basically:

1. Bella's mum split up with Bella's dad when she was 2. Sees her dad occasionally but little regular contact, dad does not want responsibility of being involved with her seriously, has been periods of 3 + years without contact, ( his choice,) but now lives locally in a one bedroom flat with his new girlfriend.

2. 10 years ago Bella's mum got together with new boyfriend, total an utter twat "Billy." Bella is very uncomfortable around Billy because it has been a very violent relationship, witnessed many physical fights between him and her mum, hospitalized her mum, chased her mum down the street with a knife, smashed up an ipad and iphone of Bella's which were presents to her from her grandparents, ( my aunt and uncle.) Smashed up her grandparents car, sent many abusive text messages to her grandparents, ( basically threats to kill,) when they expressed concerns. The police are aware of some of these incidents, and at one time Bella and her mum were moved into a flat with specialist domestic violence pull cords, but a couple of years later mum go back together with him again, although now they are living separately, my cousin wants to spend alot of time at his house, understandably Bella does not want to go. The relationship is still violent, ( although as far as i'm aware not as bad a s a few years ago,) and Billy is still very, very controlling.

3. Partially because of their problems re the boyfriend, and partly cos my cousin is frankly horrible, her and Bella do not have a good relationship, and she genuinely seems to be spoiling Bella's teenage years, which really saddens me as this should be a carefree time in her life. She is constantly belittling Bella and calling her fat to her face, telling her her clothes make her look fat etc, ( this was in front of me this weekend so i know it's true,) and telling her she's so horrible that nobody would want to spend any time with her. Also spends many nights away for her job/ staying at Billy's house, leaving Bella aged 14 alone for nights on end, sometimes without much food in he house. Bella told a teacher at school this, who phoned my cousin up, but Bella's mum said she was lying, and school left it. ( which i think is appalling, given the social services history*.)

4. After this, Bella was so desperate for some attention, ( this was at a time earlier this year when her mum was banning her from contact with her grandparents, who she normally spends weeks at a time with, due to complaints they had made to social services.) Bella brought vodka into school, ( new school only been there since September,) and started drinking it in lessons. Bella caught and suspended from school, but her mum and Billy have now used this as an excuse to further isolate her from her friends, banning her from seeing any children outside of school, and taking her phone away. Also Billy, ( even though has no right,) regularly uses his time not working, instead of looking for a job, checking facebook to make sure she doesn't have an account as she is being punished, ( really they are just annoyed she put Facebook statuses explaining she was being left alone and what horrible people they were.) It feels the complete ban on an fb account after this, ( not a temporary punishment for being suspended but an indefinite one,) is really his was of further isolating her/ making her life a misery.

5. Social services History: Reported by a distant relative when Bella was 8, mum lied, SS didn't listen to anyone else, case closed.

Last October, re-opened due to neighbors complaints about violent rows, Bella's mum temporarily in police custody but case dropped due to lack of evidence :( ( despite Bella's statement and police photographs of bruises on Bella.) As soon as ss closed the case, Bella's mum stopped all contact between her parents and Bella, as during the investigation her parents had told social services the truth about what had been happening.

During that five months my aunt and uncle, ( Bella's grandparents,) were hysterical with worry about what was happening to Bella. Bella's mum is now bored of having her in the house so is allowing her to stay for weeks on end at my aunt and uncles again. But it's no life for a child, as Bella has no security as to when she will be forced home, Bella's mum still comes round and forces her go to Billy's house for visits occaisionally, and still refuses to let Bellas grandparents let Bella see hher friends. Reguarly comes round and calls her fat etc.

The worst thing is Billy has still banned bella from seeing her grandparents, so Bellas is lying to him that Bella is in her house alone. He lives in he same town, and Bellas grandparents have to be very careful where they take her, as if he sees her with them he will force her mum to take her home. He checks their fb reguarly from different accounts and so they are not allowed to put any photos of bella on it, as again if he found out sshe was at their house he would make her mum remove her. He once saw a video of Bella on youtube, recognized her grandparents wallpaper in the background and made bella's mum get out of bed and take her home.

So i want to report this to soical services, so her grandparents can gain some legal rights and tell Bella's mum and Billy to fuck the fuck off, of course i do. Bella is such a lovely girl and deserrves a normal childhood, not one in fear and hiding from this nutter.

But i can't do it, becuase both times SS have been involved before nothin has been done, despite Bella, her granparents/ wider family/ neighbours etc telling them whats happening. So if i call them im basically going to cause Bella's mum to take her away again. I could not do that as it would make bella's life hell, but by not calling them she has this half life, where she has to constantly hide in her hometownso Billy does not find her with her grandparents.

Absolutly fed up, any genuine advice wuld e welcome, soical services are great at taking babies away at birth but bloody useless when there is actual abuse/ neglect/ sheer dysfunction going on around older children teenagers.. Sorry for the length of post.
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It is also worth mentioning that the landlady has now barred Billy for life from the pub, and several of the other drinkers there, according to my aunty have left statements to say Billy was being aggressive and started the fight, even if he didn't technically throw the first punch.

It has also just come to my attention that Billy may have known the residency order was coming. One of Bella's 1st cousins, ( 13 years old,) is very close with Bella, lets call her Polly. I've just seen a facebook status from Poppy saying something like, " Not going to fuck my cousin up much longer, grandparents are going to court soon and your going to get owned big time, you sad little c*." Obviously this is not wise of Polly, ( but she is only 14,) and i know he checks the whole family fb reguarly on different accounts, ( that is why mine is totally private.) She must have forgotten tthis, and to me that explains why he was in the pub when he knew my uncle would be there, as he is never normally there on a lunchtime.

I don't think so littlemisssarcastic apparently my uncle just threw him against a wall and punched him once before other strangers pulled him off of Billy. Billy's not needed hospital treatment or anything like that, the police are only involved because after being chucked out the pub by the kitchen staff he complained he'd been assaulted.

He's now in police custody himself for threatening to smash the landladys house and car.

Hi Hammy,
What a terrible, sad situation. You are so lovely in helping Bella and your Aunt and Uncle in this way.
I am a foster carer and therefore have experience with social services and children's law, and in all honesty I think your Uncle's (very understandable and justified) actions today may cause some difficulties. I know your opinion of SS is very low (mine too at the moment) but I cannot see they would approve this now - it is likely to be one of those situations where SS would go by the book and not consider the whole situation and how he was provoked.
However, I note you were going through the legal route and not SS so maybe it is possible that way - I certainly hope for all your sakes it is.
I wish you all the best of luck.

My uncle, ( Bella's grandad,) has been released with a caution.

Billy is still in police custody, my aunty has reason that their may be other charges for him as well as threatening words and behavior. He does have a long, long police record, including pub fights.

Both Polly and Bella have now been told by the family to delete their Facebook and twitter accounts.

Will try and update as I can. Myself, Bella and Bella's grandparents still intend to go to the solicitors tomorrow.

Rather than phoning social services wait until you know she is at home alone tell her what's happening and phone the police. or support her in going to the police and reporting the abuse and neglect?

Oh right thanks fir clafifying hammy. You have to keep everything to yourselves now, even Bella has to keep quiet about it. Surely at 14 Bella has a voice which should be listened to.

Yes still go to the solicitors and injunction against billy

O.k everyone some good news at last. My uncle has been released with a caution so is home.

Billy is still in police custody. Myself, Bella, and my aunt and uncle are going to go to the solicitors tomorow. Billy's neighbors, ( who in fairness are friends with my aunt,) have provided their contact details to be forwarded to the solicitor, and have written signed statements for us to give to the solicitor about Billy's ongoing aggressive behavior. The landlady has also said she will attest to how violent and aggressive he was in court if necessary.

Police also told my aunty that if Billy or Bella's mum did call them to remove Bella, they would have no reason to as she's demonstratively safe at their house, although they would have to have an officer speak to Bella privately to confirm this. Confirmed that ss were wrong really to make her go home in October.

I don't know, we just feel so much stronger now. That we can do this.

Bella and Polly have both been told by the family to delete their fb and twitter accounts now.

Fantastic things are on the up fir you, tge fact billy has a police record for violence and aggression does nit help. If Bella said no and stood her ground, there is nit much services can do.

I hope this gives Bella tge courage to make her voice loud and clear.

I hope that makes bella feel more secure

yep she has written a list of points to give to the solicitor tomorrow, thanks again for all the support in this thread

Good luck hammy keep us posted. Now Bella is 14 her voice should be heard more and she should also be involved about decision making about her life

Hi OP, I'm the poster who initially advised you to go for a Residence Order. I work in the field and just wanted to give you heads up that a 'caution' is and admittance of guilt and will show up on the police checks that Cafcass will do one the parties. The court is likely to be worried aboyt Bella being exposed to further aggression and hostility in your uncle's care. Im not saying this is going to be an insurmountable problem (far from it, I still think you have a very strong case if what you write here is true), but uncle needs to be prepared for this and saying Billy deserved it really won't go down well. A brief witness statement from the landlady could be very helpful.

Excuse the many typos!!

But purple with mum Bella is also exposed to abuse, not only through her, but billy who is currently in custody. This does also not look good either. Bella is old enough to testify of her mistreatment at tge hands of her mum and partner Billy, the fact she is involved with him exposing Bella to abuse and violence. Billy seems to gave a very unhealthy obsession with controlling Bella, this is quite concerning. Does Bella's voice nit count? She is 14 not 4 so can reliably testify of tge violence and abuse at home.

Uncle should keep his head down, admit guilt if he wants thus situation to improve for Bella and residency. To walk away if confronted with a similar situation.

It's almost as if Billy knows what is going on & Uncle has played right into it.

Hopefully he can show "mitigating circs", but even so, Bella's a teen.

What if she riles Uncle into throwing her against a wall & punching her?

Situation is totally different diddl. She is living with her Aunt and Uncle 80 % of tge time and she seems safe and happy there. Do you think it's better with her abusive mum and her partner? I think if Bella is happy and safe with her Aunt and Uncle where she clearly is, that is where she should stay.

Billy deliberately wound tge uncle up and he made a mistake, one is a violent abusive bully, the other us a teen who they love very much. Tensions are high, in hindsight he should have walked away, let him learn and not make tge same mistake again. What other options dies Bella have, living caring family environment, or care. Certainly a life with mother and Billy is not an option, Bella will be abused further and could lead to a dp downward spiral.

Well let's hope it is different.

One is an abusive bully who she doesn't live with.

The other can be violent when verbally abused who she might live with.

Obviously OPs uncle is the better choice.

But poor kid, eh?

Yes I agree, but billy the violent abusive bully was revoking him. No uncle should not have reacted like that but that was a different situation. I am sure and would hope uncle would not react tat way to bella which is the main thing. From what ammy has said, she seems appy and is going along to court, if she was not than she might make things difficult and refuse to go.

Of course he was provoked-and the timing of it couldn't have been worse.

Hopefully Billy is being seen for what he is now.

Different behaviour is expected from those who are trying to legally get a child into their lives iyswim.

I know, when I read uncle had been in custody for hitting Billy I had my head in my hands. I just hope bella is going to get the happy ending she deserves.

"I just hope bella is going to get the happy ending she deserves."

Amen to that!

Hope all gone well today