to be pissed off my cousin is in this shit situation and i cant report it to soical services as they have a previous record of making the situation worse ?

[hammythehamster]

Name changed for this so as to be not to be recognized in real life, ( although i highly doubt the family i am talking about are the type of people to be logging into mumsnet.)

I'm a student, and have recently got back from spending a long weekend with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and Uncle are heavily involved in the day to day care of their granddaughter, ( my cousins daughter, so technically my second cousin,) but have no legal rights over her. She's 14 and there have been ongoing serious issues with her mum and mum's boyfriend for years. For security reasons i'm going to refer to my cousin by the pseudonym Bella throughout this thread.

I hope people don't mind, but this has been an ongoing mess for over a decade, so it's hard to summarize everything succinctly into one post but i'm doing my best, although this may come out as jumbled and less clear than i intend.

So basically:

1. Bella's mum split up with Bella's dad when she was 2. Sees her dad occasionally but little regular contact, dad does not want responsibility of being involved with her seriously, has been periods of 3 + years without contact, ( his choice,) but now lives locally in a one bedroom flat with his new girlfriend.

2. 10 years ago Bella's mum got together with new boyfriend, total an utter twat "Billy." Bella is very uncomfortable around Billy because it has been a very violent relationship, witnessed many physical fights between him and her mum, hospitalized her mum, chased her mum down the street with a knife, smashed up an ipad and iphone of Bella's which were presents to her from her grandparents, ( my aunt and uncle.) Smashed up her grandparents car, sent many abusive text messages to her grandparents, ( basically threats to kill,) when they expressed concerns. The police are aware of some of these incidents, and at one time Bella and her mum were moved into a flat with specialist domestic violence pull cords, but a couple of years later mum go back together with him again, although now they are living separately, my cousin wants to spend alot of time at his house, understandably Bella does not want to go. The relationship is still violent, ( although as far as i'm aware not as bad a s a few years ago,) and Billy is still very, very controlling.

3. Partially because of their problems re the boyfriend, and partly cos my cousin is frankly horrible, her and Bella do not have a good relationship, and she genuinely seems to be spoiling Bella's teenage years, which really saddens me as this should be a carefree time in her life. She is constantly belittling Bella and calling her fat to her face, telling her her clothes make her look fat etc, ( this was in front of me this weekend so i know it's true,) and telling her she's so horrible that nobody would want to spend any time with her. Also spends many nights away for her job/ staying at Billy's house, leaving Bella aged 14 alone for nights on end, sometimes without much food in he house. Bella told a teacher at school this, who phoned my cousin up, but Bella's mum said she was lying, and school left it. ( which i think is appalling, given the social services history*.)

4. After this, Bella was so desperate for some attention, ( this was at a time earlier this year when her mum was banning her from contact with her grandparents, who she normally spends weeks at a time with, due to complaints they had made to social services.) Bella brought vodka into school, ( new school only been there since September,) and started drinking it in lessons. Bella caught and suspended from school, but her mum and Billy have now used this as an excuse to further isolate her from her friends, banning her from seeing any children outside of school, and taking her phone away. Also Billy, ( even though has no right,) regularly uses his time not working, instead of looking for a job, checking facebook to make sure she doesn't have an account as she is being punished, ( really they are just annoyed she put Facebook statuses explaining she was being left alone and what horrible people they were.) It feels the complete ban on an fb account after this, ( not a temporary punishment for being suspended but an indefinite one,) is really his was of further isolating her/ making her life a misery.

5. Social services History: Reported by a distant relative when Bella was 8, mum lied, SS didn't listen to anyone else, case closed.

Last October, re-opened due to neighbors complaints about violent rows, Bella's mum temporarily in police custody but case dropped due to lack of evidence :( ( despite Bella's statement and police photographs of bruises on Bella.) As soon as ss closed the case, Bella's mum stopped all contact between her parents and Bella, as during the investigation her parents had told social services the truth about what had been happening.

During that five months my aunt and uncle, ( Bella's grandparents,) were hysterical with worry about what was happening to Bella. Bella's mum is now bored of having her in the house so is allowing her to stay for weeks on end at my aunt and uncles again. But it's no life for a child, as Bella has no security as to when she will be forced home, Bella's mum still comes round and forces her go to Billy's house for visits occaisionally, and still refuses to let Bellas grandparents let Bella see hher friends. Reguarly comes round and calls her fat etc.

The worst thing is Billy has still banned bella from seeing her grandparents, so Bellas is lying to him that Bella is in her house alone. He lives in he same town, and Bellas grandparents have to be very careful where they take her, as if he sees her with them he will force her mum to take her home. He checks their fb reguarly from different accounts and so they are not allowed to put any photos of bella on it, as again if he found out sshe was at their house he would make her mum remove her. He once saw a video of Bella on youtube, recognized her grandparents wallpaper in the background and made bella's mum get out of bed and take her home.

So i want to report this to soical services, so her grandparents can gain some legal rights and tell Bella's mum and Billy to fuck the fuck off, of course i do. Bella is such a lovely girl and deserrves a normal childhood, not one in fear and hiding from this nutter.

But i can't do it, becuase both times SS have been involved before nothin has been done, despite Bella, her granparents/ wider family/ neighbours etc telling them whats happening. So if i call them im basically going to cause Bella's mum to take her away again. I could not do that as it would make bella's life hell, but by not calling them she has this half life, where she has to constantly hide in her hometownso Billy does not find her with her grandparents.

Absolutly fed up, any genuine advice wuld e welcome, soical services are great at taking babies away at birth but bloody useless when there is actual abuse/ neglect/ sheer dysfunction going on around older children teenagers.. Sorry for the length of post.
.

Do parental rights trump everything?

I mean where does common sense come into play with regards to Bella not being forced to live with Billy just because her mum chooses to?

Thing is, even the court route will involve SS in the form of CAFCASS. What about this cat that SS got for Bella?

BTW, just because SS dismiss something one time doesn't mean they will continue to do so. But Bella & her grandparents need to be strong.

Her grandparents don't necessarily need legal advice. All they need to do is apply to the court for leave (permission) to apply for a Residence Order. permission will almost certainly be granted given that Bella is already spending a lot of time there, then they apply for the application to be heard.

By the time of the first hearing Cafcass (a safeguarding agency) will have completed checks with police and social services so this is likely to evidence your aunt and uncles concerns. Given her age the court will weigh heavily on Bella's wishes and feelings so the matter will be adjourned for a few weeks for Cafcass to speak with her and write a report. The judge will then make a final decision about where Bella should live with this report as the main evidence.

Only the child's Mother and Father should be named as respondents in this matter. Billy is not a blood relative and the court is unlikely to involve him.

Since massive legal aid cuts in April last year your aunt and uncle wouldn't be alone in representing themselves in such proceedings, judges are very skilled at supporting people who self rep (litigants in person).

To get this ball rolling all they need to do is go to the court desk of their local court to ask for the relevant application forms.

Some if the terminology I've used is changing at the end of this month but the court staff will know exactly what they're on about if they say they want to apply for a Residence Order.

By the way a Residence Order will also give them parental responsibility so aside from securing the fact that she lives with them, they can also make important decisions for/ with her, attend parents evening, claim child benefit etc.

Bella needs her own advocate as well.

There are several organisations that offer free confidential advocacy services to children and young people - they provide support, legal advice, will approach other agencies, attend meetings with the young person. These are both specialists:

www.nyas.net/

www.voiceyp.org/

Bella is being abused by her mum and partner, you need to contact ss and explain what you have on here. Not only that, they are preventing her from getting access to safety. You need to put ss in the bigger picture, they have a duty of care to protect this child. I hope that there are sw or appropriate professionals on here that can give you good advice and guidance. Please fight for Bella, she has nobody else.

Lots of great advice. Bella is entitled to her own so,icitor under legal aid so explore that. Ss are being absolutely useless. I am sorry if this has been said, but is Bella living with grandparents at the moment! If she is GP should go to the police and get an injunction against mum and Billy as they are toxic and abusive. Ss if Bella kicks up a fuss cannot force her to her mums, you need legal advice ASAP.

Yes residence order for Bella sounds great, pursue that and an injunction against billy and mum.

diddl Just for the record, Billy does not live with Bella's mother. Bella does not live with Billy. Billy lives in his own place and Bella's mum stays with him, which means leaving Bella alone.

Purplepickles-thank you, i will advise my aunt and uncle to go to the local family court today and apply for leave.

I think what they are worried about the court route is her mum and Billy have a long history of lying to services, so they have previously been hesitant as they fear false allegations against themselves, and the repercussions of them.

Aeroflotgirl-it's complicated, she's staying at her grandparents for about 80% of the time, but her mum makes her come home on average about 1-2 nights a week, as the previous weekend she was forced to go home to visit Billy's mum who was dying in hospital, ( but she has spent hardly any time with this woman when she was alive.)

Thanks again for the advice everybody. Just to check she wouldn't be made to go home/ into care whilst the court proceedings were taking place ?

What have you got to loose, go to the family court explain the situation, Bellamy is of an age where she should get her voice heard and recognised read the Children's Act. Get bella her own solicitor, she is entitled to legal aid, and police for an injunction against mum and Billy. Hopefully Bella will speak up for herself once she is out of tat situation, tat family have got a long complicated history with ss.

Littlemissssarcastic- absolutely right Billy does not technically live with Bella, ( although he has done in the past,) but not only does her mum staying there mean Bella is frequently left alone, sometimes her mum forces her to go visit him to.

Obviously contact between the two of them is not good, as on a recent visit he smashed up her stuff, ( ipad and iphone,) in an argument, and he has got her mum to take her stuff to cashconverters before, meaning my aunt and uncle have had to buy it back.

what i am worried about is if he is not stopped, his ban on her seeing her grandparents, seeing friends and having a phone/ social networking will stop her having a normal teenage life, ( like i say blame this on why she is slightly socially immature,) and like a poster said upthread, i'm very worried about why he wants her to be locked in her mothers house by herself all the time.

"diddl Just for the record, Billy does not live with Bella's mother."

Ah yes, sorry.

I had read the thread, honestly!

Explains why she was left with her mum.

Although her being frequently left alone should be cause for concern & the influence that her mum is allowing Billy to have over who Bella see etc.

Then hammy your family need to act fast to stop bella being sucked into this abuse. It's her mums choice to be in an abusive relationship, not Bellas. Please do all you can to save this girl.

Know you said bella's father wasn't around much before in the past but is in the same town now.

What is his PR status - did Bella do something so he has none or does he have some but never bothered to do anything?

If it is the latter, could he be persuaded to say that he wants bella's GPs to have care of her - would that help?

ZipZap-as far as i'm aware he has PR but doesn't do much with it. ( He has spent 7 years of Bella's life living in America with little contact but is now back living in the same town.)

However in the past he has sided with Bella's grandparents over Bella's mum when asked an opinion by SS, and is unsurprisingly not a fan of Billy.

Obviously i can't second guess what he'd say, but from what he's said in the past I think if a court asked him he would support Bella living with her grandparents, as he has a very low opinion of Bella' mum and Billy.

I think in his own way he wants Bella to be happy, ( he gave her £100 high street vouchers for her birthday, but he just doesn't have the focus to be a full time dad/ actively involved.

My Aunt has his phone number so may contact him.

That might be a good idea to further support bella. Is bella with her GPs now? If she is don't take her back to her mums and do t hand her over to her mum, if she isent, go get her when she is alone and dont let her go back. Get a residency order, as bella is 14 she is entitled to a say in where she goes, she will be a reliable witness to her abuse say than with a very young child. Go to police get an injunction against billy and her mum and get legal represenstion

Coram Children's Legal Centre

www.childrenslegalcentre.com will be a good source of free legal advice.

If he does have some pr and is happy for the gp to look after her then maybe they could have some deal worked out whereby if SS tried to take bella back to her mum's then she could ask to go to her dad's instead - and he would then take her back to the gp/they would pick her up.

Sounds like he cares about bella even if he's not in a position to parent her, so he might well like being able to do something that gets her out of her mother's clutches to somewhere she would be happy.

Could you also encourage bella to keep a record of all the times she is mistreated - whether it's left at home alone with no food, left at her gp, being dictated to by billy etc etc so there's at least something to show SS that this is not a one off thing that can be easily dismissed again... But she would need to keep it safely - wouldn't want billy, her mum or any bullies at school to get hold of it...

you need to assist bella and the grand parents to pursue this again thru courts and SS and report to police any further damage or incidents. keep shouting the squeaky wheel etc.

there will be records of the other reports to SS so this will become apparent when it gets to a court.

also school - again - and make sure headteacher fully aware.

is there school pastoral system? she needs to eb encouraged to keep telling school what is going on

I'm glad you/ gp are getting legal advice as this is the key to resolving this.

Information is indeed power!!!

I think it's certain that whatever happens ss will be involved. Up until now it sounds like they've been too happy to take things at surface level, believing the parent as its probably easier for them to do so - less work for completely over worked people. It's not ok, but that's what's happened.

With legal advice you can use the right language to apply the right pressure at the right points to ensure this poor girl is protected. It's alot more effective than just telling them everything and hoping for the best - which I know you really don't want to do.

The wisest advice I've ever been given is something worth thinking about: generally, people take the least course of resistance. Therefore you need to ensure that you change the situation so that doing the Right Thing is the easiest thing for someone to do

I.e you make sure that ignoring evidence and statements from you/ wider family is very difficult, and that they can't just tell you you have to give up and you do it. You get informed, build a case, and get lots of supporting evidence ready, and then go into battle to get this girl safe and out of this situation.

Maybe the solictor will tell the gp to write down exact days & times that Bella has stayed with them for the last six months. Maybe you should be recording a timeline of abuse. Keeping texts, emails, screenshots of social media... Anything that shows the awful situation Bella is enduring.

I think it's clear that the case will be built on Bella's mum not being able or willing to protect her and allowing a unrelated man to have abusive control over Bella, and neglecting her. It's not going to be pleasant as its about the mother failing rather than the man being the villain of the piece (although he is vile). And the grandparents have to be prepared to work hard to show how their own daughter is failing their grand child. It's a horrible thing to have to do, as without doubt Bella's mother is a victim too, but she is an adult who has a choice, and has decided to choose an abusive man over the well being of her own child. Help Bella first, then maybe the mother will follow.

I think you need to collect all available documentary evidence and witness statements and witnesses willing to give accounts and present it to a solicitor. Aunty and uncle could make sure any requirements are fulfilled ahead of time such as crb checks, ensuring the house is suitable etc and maybe a psychologists report Bella - whatever you do it has to be a good strong ready to go case - and being ready and then presenting a strong case pulling together all the threads of investigation and joining up the different incidents to build a bigger picture. Also ask the school to document all their concerns - maybe seeing the senco can offer support if Bella is in an abuse situation and potentially will need support during a turbulent time - senco could also provide good and trusted professional wittness.

in many cases you hear about it is that several enquires happen prior to anything being done, sometimes too late - so use this time to do that for them - it all builds up a picture of what is happening - the common denominator being the mother and bf abusing and neglecting the daughter - with that, Bella's wish to go to her grandparents, wittness statements, professional opinion neither s.s nor a court if Bella and Grandparents make an application to apply for residency could not see the case for what it is imo.

get organised!

ps could Bella go with gp's to Greece?

I'm really bothered by the reason Billy doesn't want Bella with the GPs or why he is controlling her contact with others by smashing her phone and banning FB.

He might be afraid she'll tell them something he doesn't want disclosed. Frightening.