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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cake ban

227 replies

Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 21:48

I probably was being a bit unreasonable I think.

This afternoon we were invited to DM as dsis was there and db and his wife and dcs. Usually for this sort of thing dm gets cakes,biscuits etc.

I said we would go but that there were to be no cakes/biscuits etc at all as dd2 has type 1 diabetes, her blood sugar was high and she had already had a correction injection in the morning so although if she had wanted a cake we could have given another injection, it rarely works out how it should and she either has blood sugar too high or if we misjudge it goes too low.
Dd2 is four and so would want a cake if everybody else was having one even if we explain why she couldn't and probably would have wanted more than one as the other children always have a couple.
DM said it was fine (which surprised me as she can be a bit difficult at times) but I could tell she felt awkward just offering drinks.

I've been thinking about it and I keep wondering if I was bu or if what I did was ok given the circumstances?

OP posts:
bobberdobber · 07/04/2014 12:55

Sorry, but I think YABU and I say that as the mother of a type 1 diabetic who has been diagnosed since she was 2. My dd has learnt from an early age that she can't eat the same way as others and tbh I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Even if she wasn't diabetic, I don't think I would particularly want her to eat three cakes at a time.

On another note, my daughter is now on a pump, and
whilst it has made our lives easier, she still has high blood sugars sometimes, so even then your dd may not have been able to have some cake. Theoretically, you are supposed to be able to eat like a 'normal' person, but several helpings of sweet stuff may still have sent her bs rocketing

Impatientismymiddlename · 07/04/2014 13:03

There's no point telling OP off for poor discipline here. When blood sugar is too high or low, her daughter has no control over her feelings whatsoever! I am lucky enough only to be type 2, but when my blood sugar drops too low I'm a different person- I feel absolutely furious, hateful towards anyone who does the slightest thing to inconvenience me, even tempted towards violence. Whereas normally, I'm gentle, thoughtful and almost obsessed with good manners and think violence is the last resort of the chronically stupid.

So what will happen when she goes to school? Will it be acceptable for her to lash out and behave badly because her blood sugar levels being up or down mean that she can't regulate her behaviours? Should other children be harmed because a child with diabetes cannot regulate their behaviours?
How will she cope with other children eating cake at lunchtime? At 4 years old it isn't that long until she starts school and my understanding is that the pump is not a license to eat whatever she wants, it's just something that makes it a whole to easier to regulate the blood sugar levels.
Maybe I'm just totally misunderstanding the whole situation and how this pump will work.

Impatientismymiddlename · 07/04/2014 13:05

I cross posted with bobberdobber, but she has clarified what I thought perfectly.

pizzachickenhotforyou · 07/04/2014 13:06

YANBU
I know people are saying she has to learn. She does have to learn. She will learn. It's hard and horrible being left out and she will have loads of situations you can't control where she will be different and left out. So I think it's lovely that your family are supportive and understanding so she can have a family visit without feeling different once in a whole.
I'm sure the other children survived no cake just once too.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/04/2014 15:38

To the poster who asked what happens at school...
The school partners with the parents. She may need a TA. The school will watch for tell tale signs of her being high or low. The child will also learn to identify the early signs. Her bloods are taken via a finger prick and monitered several times during the day, and action is taken based on the readings.

There will be instructions posted in areas like staff room on actions to take if bloods too low of high.

It is a tough condition for a child. Or anybody...

Impatientismymiddlename · 07/04/2014 16:29

My concerns about school was not about how her blood sugar levels would be monitored but about how she will cope when everyone else is eating cake and she isn't allowed any.
Will she have huge tantrums and meltdowns at lunchtime everyday when her classmates are eating their pudding? at 4 years old it won't be long before she goes to school.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 07/04/2014 16:58

For a diabetic, cake at lunchtime as part of a meal is a different situation to cake at a snack between meals.

Many schools have healthy eating policy and won't allow cake everyday.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 17:14

Yes, sometimes snacks are vital, if for example her blood sugar is going down she will need a snack to prevent a hypo, if she has a hypo she needs juice/glucose/jelly babies.

Mealtimes are ok as she could have a cake if I wanted her to as pudding I'd just have to adjust her insulin to cover that as well as the meal.

OP posts:
SilverDragonfly1 · 07/04/2014 19:10

So what will happen when she goes to school? Will it be acceptable for her to lash out and behave badly because her blood sugar levels being up or down mean that she can't regulate her behaviours? Should other children be harmed because a child with diabetes cannot regulate their behaviours?

I expect it will be dealt with in the same way that any child with additional needs that cause behaviour issues is dealt with. This child isn't naughty, she has a medical condition that can cause problem behaviours.

In any case, she should be able to eat a pudding with lunch as long as her overall sugar intake is regulated, and it's unlikely that there will be cakes offered at random intervals during the school day.

WutheringTights · 07/04/2014 21:08

I can't believe some of the posters here. She's four years old and it's her close family. Family can go without cake for a couple of hours to make a poorly four year old child feel less left out. It's only cake ffs. No one starved.

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/04/2014 21:24

Exactly wuthering .
I don't understand why it's always got to be high fat high carb high sugar treats .
There are tasty savoury options that the dd could have - home baked kale crisps , homemade dips and vege strips , homemade popcorn , no salted nuts and seeds .
I know diabetics have to be as careful with fat and salt too , but surely 'snacks' can be planned .
We always reach for the same sort of treaty food that used to only appear at christmas , birthdays and Sunday tea . Now it's a daily expectation .

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/04/2014 21:35

I rethought the whole food thing when dd was allergy diagnosed . Cakes can be good if packed with goodies not sugar and bad fat . I use raw coconut oil for fat and banana for egg . Seeds and cocoa nibs are great for flavour . Dried fruit instead of sprinkles . Fruit purée for a far better sugar replacer . Flaked quinoa added to different flour .
(Sorry for being up my own ass and dull ...I just know that with food issues it forces you to turn into a bore !)
I always offer dd an alternative at friends houses , they pop open the biscuit tin and we have a special treat . I've never asked for food not to be served but I would if I needed to .

candycoatedwaterdrops · 07/04/2014 21:54

SHE IS FOUR and dealing with a life changing condition. If her sugars are all over, it will affect her behaviour too. Can people really not meet up nowadays without it being centred around food? OP will have to eventually help her DD deal with it more effectively but she's a young child, it is her close family and it's not meal time. They won't starve!

RedFocus · 08/04/2014 08:22

You should be taking your own snacks for your dd anyway. She will have to accept that because of her condition she can't have the same foods as other people and the sooner she accepts that the better for her in the long run. It's never to early to teach your children that they can't always have what they want as is life I'm afraid.

Barbaralovesroger · 08/04/2014 08:39

A four year old has much more understanding then a two year old. It's worth training her up now. Before each play date can you run through what will happen with treats? Reward her after

trixymalixy · 08/04/2014 08:48

Aw your poor DD.

I can empathise as I have two with allergies. DS was always very stoical about not being allowed what everyone else was having, but DD would get very upset.

I think the main difference was that DS had had several allergic reactions so knew what it felt like and the threat of an allergic reaction outweighed the pleasure of a cake. DD on the other hand had never had an allergic reaction. All she could see was a cake that looked exactly the same ad the ones Mummy made specially, so she found it hard to understand why she was allowed some cakes and not others.

It must be hard for your DD to grasp why cakes are ok sometimes and not others and also hard to relate the feeling of her blood sugars being wrong with what she has eaten.

I do think for a family occasion it's fine to ask for no one to have cake, but she unfortunately will have to get used to it Sad.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 08/04/2014 10:10

People aren't reading. OP's daughter cannot eat her own snacks brought by her mum, she may not be able to eat any at all if her sugars are unstable.

If you put a classroom full of 4 year olds in front of a plate of cakes and told them they couldn't have any because it would make them poorly, I'd be shocked if the majority of them did not get very upset and feel confused. Children of that age usually do not yet have the cognition to understand the process.

It is not the same as allergies because sometimes the DD cannot eat at all and sometimes she can. It must be really bloody confusing for the poor little mite.

Impatientismymiddlename · 08/04/2014 10:40

According to diabetes UK there are certain snacks which contain no carbohydrate and have no need for insulin.

www.diabetes.org.uk/Information-for-parents/Food/Snacks/

I don't know much about diabetes and I am very happy to be corrected by people in the know, but can't the OPs DD eat the snacks mentioned on that list? If there are no carbs in a snack would it still play havoc with blood sugar levels?

Eastpoint · 08/04/2014 10:56

YANBU

I am very sorry your daughter has diabetes & hope that she gets her pump soon. She has to be careful her whole life, your family only had to go without cake one afternoon.

CheshirePanda · 08/04/2014 11:48

I think you were totally right to do what you did. As others have said, I'm surprised your family even considered having cake etc about when your daughter is there. When she is older and can understand more, that would be a bit different. Most of us could do with a lot less cake anyway, it won't kill them.

Of course there will be times when she had to miss out on sugary things. But I am sure this is a bit easier when it's not EVERY time she is made to feel singled out.

Coveredinweetabix · 08/04/2014 12:03

YANBU. My DD is four and her behaviour changes and becomes challenging if she is ill or tired or over excited or hungry or had too much sugar and she doesn't have a life changing medical condition. Yes, your DD is going to have to get used to being different but, in a family environment, it will be nice for her to be able to do the same as everybody else and for you to relax knowing that she won't need to be "managed". If her cousins got hungry, then they could be offered some toast or fruit or some other snack which, whilst it would mean they were eating & your daughter wasn't, wouldn't have the same appeal as cake, especially a "special" cake like one of those Mr Kipling ones which are only around for a few weeks of the year. I also think it's time the cousins learned that special rules apply to your DD and that that may affect the food they can have. The flip side to this is that on the occasions you are shoving jelly babies into your DD to prevent a hypo, you may also have to give a few to the 4yo cousin. Tbh, how many 4yo should be having a second (or third) cake anyway?
Having said all of that, I always feel a bit odd if someone comes over & says that they don't want a biscuit or cake as that is something I automatically offer and my Mum would feel as though she had failed the hostess test that only operates in her head. But we would have done it. In the same way that I adapt what I offer to friends (whether adult or child) with allergies or vegetarian or just fussy although I will grumble about the latter. If your Mum had bought the cakes as a treat for the grandchildren and wasn't going to eat them herself, they could have been sent out with the GC and your DD could have had hers today as part of a meal and the cousins could have had theirs the second they got home if that was what your sister wanted to do.

Ludways · 08/04/2014 12:07

I think you ABU, sorry. I know it's harsh but your dd needs to learn what she can and can't eat in a normal situation, avoiding it may lead to her not knowing. I do think they should have tasty alternatives for her too.

My DSis has been a type 1 diabetic for the past 40 years so I grew up with it and this is how our family worked things. DSis was perfectly happy.

trixymalixy · 08/04/2014 12:17

When we were in Rome with my family when DS was 3 I asked my family not to eat ice cream in front of him as he just wouldn't get why he couldn't have any. They were of course perfectly happy to do this and there were several times when we walked off in front with DS in his pram allowing them to eat ice cream without DS seeing.

So as I said below for a family occasion YANBU to ask.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 08/04/2014 12:37

The snacks on the diabetes uk dd could eat and often does when sugars are high, she has a lot of cucumber or cheese ad that's fine it is just in a situation where everybody else has cake suddenly she wants that too and with high blood sugar too there is no reasoning with her-she is irritable, feels starving yet can't eat what she wants to so to avoid that the other day it seemed sensible to just take cake out of the situation.

OP posts:
TarkaTheOtter · 08/04/2014 14:34

No 4 year old is going to be satisfied with cucumber and cheese when everyone else is having cake. She has a LIFETIME to get used to being different, the harsh lessons can wait.