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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cake ban

227 replies

Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 21:48

I probably was being a bit unreasonable I think.

This afternoon we were invited to DM as dsis was there and db and his wife and dcs. Usually for this sort of thing dm gets cakes,biscuits etc.

I said we would go but that there were to be no cakes/biscuits etc at all as dd2 has type 1 diabetes, her blood sugar was high and she had already had a correction injection in the morning so although if she had wanted a cake we could have given another injection, it rarely works out how it should and she either has blood sugar too high or if we misjudge it goes too low.
Dd2 is four and so would want a cake if everybody else was having one even if we explain why she couldn't and probably would have wanted more than one as the other children always have a couple.
DM said it was fine (which surprised me as she can be a bit difficult at times) but I could tell she felt awkward just offering drinks.

I've been thinking about it and I keep wondering if I was bu or if what I did was ok given the circumstances?

OP posts:

lionheart · 07/04/2014 09:28

Hedgehog, I don't think YABU.

In my family we would make the adjustment, not least because your DD is so young and still getting used to the diabetes, as are you.

Barbaralovesroger · 07/04/2014 09:37

I think DD is old enough to accept that she can't have a cake when others do. Provide jelly or cheese to fill that gap if necessary. The bad behaviour is a separate issue to the food

Original poster

Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 09:43

This has been the only time I've had to ask for no cakes/biscuits, every other time we have tried to give extra insulin to cover any snack if she's been to a party/family gathering but yesterday with high blood sugar it wouldn't have worked.

She is generally well behaved but give the 'right' conditions-high blood sugar and everybody else getting cake she would get upset and it is not easy to reason with her when her blood sugar is high, she gets irritable, tearful, thirsty, feels starving and gets angry then sleepy. Its horrible, I just wanted her to see her cousins yesterday and play without the problems cake would have brought to the situation!

OP posts:

diddl · 07/04/2014 09:51

I think that as a one off request it was fine.

Its a shame that people can't seem to envisage a get together that doesn't involve eating crap!

TarkaTheOtter · 07/04/2014 09:53

The "bad behaviour" is not separate from the food.

I have great sympathy for your daughter OP. I was insulin dependent for most of my last pregnancy and it is tough. I had no idea how much my blood sugar levels affected my mood. Dh could tell when I was low or high because of how it affected my behaviour and I am a woman in my 30s.
From why I've heard the pump will make a massive difference.

I would expect my family to be understanding.

Sirzy · 07/04/2014 10:31

I think some people aren't appreciating the impact that illness can have on children's behaviour.

When DS is having trouble with his asthma it has a negative impact on his behaviour.i would imagine with something like diabetes that was the case even more

Impatientismymiddlename · 07/04/2014 11:15

Therein lies part of the problem. You need to give consistent messages to young children and telling her that she can have cake some days but not on other days is something that she will struggle to understand as she will just think that she can have extra insulin to cope with the extra food.
It sounds like you need to look at long term plans of managing the insulin levels (even with the pump).
I do appreciate the impact that illness has on children's behaviour as I have experienced it all first hand, but I have also learned that the best coping mechanism is to manage my child's diet and illness myself as other people don't understand the implications fully and children will try and share foods with other children. I realised many years ago that I don't do 'you can't have this on this occasion because you are not well enough today' instead I have a consistent 'you can't eat this, full stop' approach.
If I really thought that my family were being unhelpful and ignorant then I simply wouldn't visit them because my child's health comes first and a family gathering is not as important as my child's health.

diddl · 07/04/2014 11:17

But with a pump that won't be a green light to just eat what she wants, will it?

TarkaTheOtter · 07/04/2014 11:21

But you can't really be consistent like that with diabetes. On some days her daughter may need a snack (even something sugary like cake/sweets or even lucozade) to stop her being hypo, on other days she may not be able to eat even so called "healthy" snacks.

TarkaTheOtter · 07/04/2014 11:24

The pump should enable her to eat like a non-diabetic child. Ie eating cake when at grandma's/parties will not be a problem.

Floggingmolly · 07/04/2014 11:29

She'll have to start getting used to the fact that she can't eat everything she fancies, though, won't she?
I'm assuming it's a lifelong condition, and playing around with her medication to "cover" her having a sugary treat sounds like a dangerous road to go down...

Original poster

Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 11:30

I think that is the problem that some days she needs a biscuit and some fruit and other days just can't so I can never make her fully understand at such a young age why some days its ok to have a bigger snack and other times she can't have any (or only cucumber or cheese).

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 07/04/2014 11:30

Oh, x post, Tarka. I didn't realise that.

Original poster

Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 11:32

Its fine to give extra insulin if it actually works out to cover a bigger than normal snack, just like how we adjust her dose depending on what she eats at mealtimes but her ratios are wrong I think.

With a pump, more than the extra freedom to eat snacks it is helpful in the sense we can change her background insulin levels.

OP posts:

Indith · 07/04/2014 11:39

Poor girl :(

It is hard to get to grips with and of course her body will be making her crave carbs since her body is telling her that it doesn't have any glucose and it needs more. You might find things like banana muffins, wholemeal muffins/biscuits, buckwheat, sweet potato crisps etc helps. The more complex the carb the longer it takes to break down into glucose so the more stable the blood sugar. A simple carb (cake with sugar in it made with white flour) causes a quick spike in blood sugar. In a person without diabetes insulin would be released and it would come back down. Of course in your dd that doesn't happen. But a snack made of complex carbs causes a small, stable rise that with diet management you can keep below the insulin threshold. Take a look at some of the wholefood and raw food blogs online and get experimenting :)

SilverDragonfly1 · 07/04/2014 12:00

There's no point telling OP off for poor discipline here. When blood sugar is too high or low, her daughter has no control over her feelings whatsoever! I am lucky enough only to be type 2, but when my blood sugar drops too low I'm a different person- I feel absolutely furious, hateful towards anyone who does the slightest thing to inconvenience me, even tempted towards violence. Whereas normally, I'm gentle, thoughtful and almost obsessed with good manners and think violence is the last resort of the chronically stupid.

As I'm an adult, I can manage not to show any of these feelings! I grit my teeth, smile and say polite things and certainly don't start assaulting pavement cyclists or inconsiderate smokers. I also carry glucose tablets and boiled sweets to get my sugars back up quickly. But OPs little girl is four. She doesn't even know why she's having these powerful and frightening feelings, let alone have the life experience and maturity needed to control them. And she doesn't have the option of having a boiled sweet and then feeling fine either!

I regularly see a man who lives locally who has great trouble controlling his blood sugar. I had to call an ambulance for him once in fact, as he was lying on the floor of a shop rolling around completely incapable of communicating, hitting out randomly (spasming I think) and knocking things off the bottom shelves. Presumably he wasn't just being ill-disciplined either.

hedeghog, you're doing great.

IdkickJilliansAss · 07/04/2014 12:03

Hope she gets her pump soon, my BIL has one and it has nade things a lot easier

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 07/04/2014 12:10

My niece is allergic/intolerant to many foods. Inc everything that goes into a regular cake. It's not a great hardship to make sure she has something similar so she doesn't feel left out. She understands pretty well at 3 that she can't have things as they make her poorly so maybe a better explanation of her being poorly with her blood sugars if she has x y or z might help her. A 4yo won't know how limiting something can be if it's not explained in basic terms. With Dniece it was; eggs and nuts will make you poorly in hospital, wheat and gluten will give you a bad tummy ache and dairy will make you itchy. Having experienced all of those situations at least once, she remembered she didn't like them. So now tells people she can't have things because they make her poorly and she wants to play with her friends.

Ywnbu to ask. But ywbu to not have found safe treats for your dd so no one else misses out either.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/04/2014 12:12

Yanbu.

Most 4yos would have a melt down if others were eating cake and they weren't allowed. Doesn't sound like bad behaviour to me. To be honest I'd want to have a melt down if other people were having cake and I couldn't.

I'm no expert but I think the pump will make a massive difference. I have a friend who actually manages to control her sugars with carb counting. She's type 1, eats what she wants inc chocolate and just gives extra insulin. Doesn't restrict her diet at all. I guess the pump will do all that automatically.

IdkickJilliansAss · 07/04/2014 12:15

I dont know how my 4 year old would react but even if they didnt kick off you wouldnt want them to feel punished for something beyond their control and 4 is a bit young to expect them to understand

nkf · 07/04/2014 12:20

I expect by the time your daughter is grown up, you - and she - will have a range of strategies for dealing with these sort of situations. Try not to overthink what just happened. I'm sure everyone understood. And it's done now.

Dreamer789 · 07/04/2014 12:29

But with a pump that won't be a green light to just eat what she wants, will it?

I wondered this too

gotthemoononastick · 07/04/2014 12:31

Hedgehog,this is a serious issue and there would not be a single cake,snack,whatever, if this were my little granddaughter.

Four is just a very little girl.The family will surely all understand and support you .

Good luck with stabilizing her soon.Nothing wrong with a cup of tea and water...family visit good for all to learn about this ,even young cousins.

nkf · 07/04/2014 12:36

Does she have to have snacks for her health? I'm not clear about that. Or are you trying to manage the unecessary (other than socially) snacks she has? Either way, it sounds very very difficult.

olympicsrock · 07/04/2014 12:42

I think you did the right thing. Family should be willing to help you as much as possible with this. She is very young at 4 and there will be lots of difficult situations but why not ask good friends and family to be understanding to have a few less upsetting situations. It is not good for her to have sugary snacks like cake or sweets even at parties - it would be better for you to have a blanket ban on really sugary food and try to take alternative snacks when you can't stop others eating them.

I have a good childhood friend who developed type 1 diabetes aged 5 and her Mum was very strict and careful. She's now aged 36 and has had great glycaemic control her whole life with the result that she has no complications. In contrast I recently met a girl in her late 20s who has developed kidney failure, visual impairment and most recently lost a leg through poor glycaemic control.

As her mum you need to be tough to be kind. At 4 she will not yet understand that needs to eat differently so try to make life easier for her as you did here.

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