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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cake ban

227 replies

Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 21:48

I probably was being a bit unreasonable I think.

This afternoon we were invited to DM as dsis was there and db and his wife and dcs. Usually for this sort of thing dm gets cakes,biscuits etc.

I said we would go but that there were to be no cakes/biscuits etc at all as dd2 has type 1 diabetes, her blood sugar was high and she had already had a correction injection in the morning so although if she had wanted a cake we could have given another injection, it rarely works out how it should and she either has blood sugar too high or if we misjudge it goes too low.
Dd2 is four and so would want a cake if everybody else was having one even if we explain why she couldn't and probably would have wanted more than one as the other children always have a couple.
DM said it was fine (which surprised me as she can be a bit difficult at times) but I could tell she felt awkward just offering drinks.

I've been thinking about it and I keep wondering if I was bu or if what I did was ok given the circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 22:49

Ds1 was diagnosed with severe allergies at 6 months old so has never known any different, dd2 was diagnosed with diabetes a month after she was three. With them both we have said and done the same things trying to say what they can/can't have and why.

Ds1 has always been fine with it but dd2 is a completely different character and we are finding it very difficult with her.

OP posts:
IamaBreastfeedingTramp · 06/04/2014 22:50

Seriously, most normal loving families would I think

Agree cuddly

But it seems there are a few that would insist that their entitlement to eat biscuits with their tea takes precedence.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 22:54

Appt tomorrow is at a new hospital as the support just wasn't there at previous one. This hospital also have a psychologist and play specialist so we are really looking forward to the initial meeting tomorrow and hopefully will get a lot more support.

OP posts:
PloddingDaily · 06/04/2014 22:58

Brilliant - sounds like the new hospital is well set up Smile.
Best of luck to you both for tomorrow, I hope all goes well & you get lots of support. Thanks

Aventurine · 06/04/2014 22:58

YANBU at all. I'm the greediest person ever, but no way would I want me and my kids to stuff ourselves with cake at a family occasion in front of a 4 year old family member who couldn't have any for medical reasons.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 06/04/2014 22:59

Thankyou plodding

OP posts:
itsmeitscathy · 06/04/2014 23:11

She's 4, they're family - of course YANBU :)

When you love people you make sacrifices - at 4 she isn't old enough to fully understand it all so avoiding such situations makes total sense.

If you're worried, why not casually thank your mum for being so understanding about it.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/04/2014 23:17

Yanbu, I hope the pump comes soon so the issue with birthday cakes at school will not be an issue.

I am an adult and if this was my niece I would happily skip cake and biscuits so save her being upset.

My DD may be diffrent, but she prefers fresh fruit, cheese cubes and crackers over cakes and biscuits.

Scholes34 · 06/04/2014 23:21

YANBU - roll on the pump. It will make life, and similar situations, much easier to manage.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 06/04/2014 23:32

DN(9) is diabetic, diagnosed about 3 years ago, doesn't have a pump. Snacking is seriously discouraged. In DN's case if bloods are high NO snack is allowed because it will only make her bloods higher. She then needs to drink lots of water, and exercise (play on trampoline or other high energy playing) While her bloods are high DN will be feeling out of sorts, irrational at times and not easy to reason with.

It can't be compared to allergies, when an alternative snack is allowed. In the situation the OP is talking, because her bloods were high the child couldn't eat any snack at all.

In our family, all the cousins understand that treats are limited to when DN 's bloods are low and she can have a little treat too. They just accept it, not always with good grace, but it is what it is.

So OP, if you were my DSis or DSIL, you would have my full support. Your little girl comes first.

I think it is easier to set a child's expectations around parties than it is around family.

DiamondDoris · 07/04/2014 07:38

You can't tell other people what they can't eat unfortunately. My DD is also type 1 diabetic and I give her a correction before party food etc - no way do I want her to miss out. I think the key is to wait 20 minutes or so after the insulin to eat - this may give the insulin some time to start working. Sometimes you cannot avoid highs or lows. It really is frustrating. The other alternative, I think someone mentioned it up thread, is to arrive a bit later once all the biscuits/cakes have been consumed.

ShoeWhore · 07/04/2014 07:46

Good luck with the appointment OP - hope you get better support.

My friend who is diabetic has had fab support from an expert patient - they had loads of ideas for coping strategies - not so much the medical stuff but the day to day reality - might be worth asking about.

Hope you can get some good strategies in place. Fwiw if you were my relative I'd be quickly distracting the dcs with some running races instead of snacks Smile and I would expect my dcs to be thoughtful and understanding towards their cousin.

Idocrazythings · 07/04/2014 07:55

She will have this for life. (As you know). I think you need to teach her how to manage it from now (as I'm sure you are already), including not being able to have the same foods as others in a social setting. Maybe being at your mums is a good time to do it as well because they won't care if she has a tantrum and you can work on educating her about it. Also your mum could maybe have just small amount there so it's not too confronting. I truly sympathise though as it must be really difficult for you all.

I say this because I work in a high risk maternity hospital and the number of women we see with poor control is amazing, they just don't care about their health, I could say many more things but won't... Instill it in her now so she doesn't end up like these women. The pump is great but she still needs to be able to control her sugars through diet and exercise as what if something happened to the pump in the future and she was totally reliant on her pump?

bobblewobble · 07/04/2014 07:58

My 5 and 3 year old have milk allergies. We often go to parties or other people's homes where they cannot have the food. If it is planned, we take our own, if not they go without. They know this and understand.

At school, my youngest daughter's teachers are brilliant, always ensure she doesn't go without. They either ask me to bring alternatives in or check ingredients with me. My oldest has on 3 occasions this year sat in a circle with the rest of his class, while the others have been given chocolates and biscuits. He went without. It upset me when he told me but he wasn't bothered.

My mum will try not to eat things in front of them but I encourage people to because it is the only way they will learn they cannot have what others are having. It may seem unfair but in my opinion it has to be done. If I always made sure they had the same, they would never know they couldn't.

Dreamer789 · 07/04/2014 08:08

Are you maybe putting too much on the pump? You keep saying it will make life so much easier, true, but you are saying every time she wants a snack, you will just use the pump. Is that the best way to control her diabetes and blood sugar?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 08:21

We have tried for the last year and a half to cope on mdi, it just hasn't worked. Its not just the snacks its the fact we will be able to change her background insulin rate and work with smaller, more precise doses that will make the most difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 08:25

And I think (correct me if I'm wrong anybody!) that a pump will be more like a normal working pancreas so it will be far better than injections of a set amount. Our bodies release insulin as and when needed which essentially to some extent you can replicate using a pump (obviously not completely) but with an injection, especially the background insulin once its in you can't change it at all whether its too much or too little. Pumps allow for far more changes depending on blood sugar level.

OP posts:
Barbaralovesroger · 07/04/2014 08:34

I'm sorry but you need to take a firm line with your DD and be consistent. The reason she's cross is because you keep allowing then disallowing then allowing then disallowing cakes/treats. She knows she might get one if she pushes the boundaries. You need to have a rule and stick to it regardless. Instead go armed to events with your own party platter - stuff she can have so cheese strings and jelly etc. lots of kids with food allergies do this anyway.

Barbaralovesroger · 07/04/2014 08:35

Kicking off is less about the food and more about discipline I'd say. If she behaves badly remove her.

Barbaralovesroger · 07/04/2014 08:37

I do think its unreasonable to expect everyone to live their lives around DD's food issues.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 07/04/2014 08:44

Absolutely not, I stated earlier in the thread how every other time until yest we had tried to give corrections/extra insulin to cover the snack but it just doesn't work out. It is when everybody else then wants a second or third cake and dd can't that she gets upset.

OP posts:
badidea · 07/04/2014 08:55

Lets take the diabetes out of the equation then, to me the main issue seems to be you tiptoeing round your daughter because you find her difficult and temperamental, and so you'd rather the world changed around her so that she doesn't get upset and you have to deal with her?

Is that really the key to raising a well rounded individual? Do you not think you just need to find ways and methods of handling her strops? Or are you going to ask everyone to make allowances in other ways (x can't ride a bike and she gets angry when others do, please ensure none of your children ride a bike past our house....)

pootlebug · 07/04/2014 09:03

Wow some people on this thread really do not understand Type 1 diabetes. If your blood sugar is high, you shouldn't have a snack containing carbs at all. So 'diabetic' lower sugar cake etc is out.

Barbaralovesroger - the point about consistency is much more relevant for say a child with allergies. With type 1 diabetes it may be completely fine to have a piece of cake as a pudding as part of a meal, but snacking on exactly the same cake between meals is a totally different thing. I don't know what insulin regime the OP's daughter is on but if for instance she takes short-acting insulin with meals she can't easily just take some extra to have a mid-afternoon snack. Taking a double dose of insulin can make it work even more effectively than the same number of units in a single dose. Low blood sugar can be really dangerous.

I think it's a tricky balance OP, between helping your daughter feel 'normal' and as though she's not missing out too much, and helping her believe that good blood sugar control is really essential and something that she automatically strives for as she gets older. Asking close family to go without cake seems perfectly reasonable to me. It's not as though you're demanding no cake at friends birthday parties etc.

Lucylouby · 07/04/2014 09:03

It's only one afternoon without cake and biscuits, I'm sure your family will survive and will not suffer any long term ill effects from going without a cake. Mil very often doesn't provide snacks of any sort when we go to visit, even if we are there for the whole day (We would be given lunch/tea though) and we all get through the day. Snacks are nice, but not essential.
Does your mum know the kind of snacks which are suitable for your dd? And does your dd find the suitable snacks exciting and want to eat them? Would the rest of the group eat them in support of their family member? In our family we would try and accommodate one of our owns dietary requirements, especially if it were a child. YANBU to ask for no cakes.

goodtimesinbontemps · 07/04/2014 09:06

I am very surprised at how many people think yabu! It was a small family occasion not a big party, if it were my dn I would have no problem not having cake this one time. My brother had diabetes and I understand how serious it can be, perhaps some people don't get that? It would be different if you were trying to ban all sweet things at every event you attended but this was a one off family thing where her bm was high and needed managing. I can't imagine your family had any issues at all Your mil may have seemed a bit uncomfortable not having cake to serve but thats probably just because she normally does and felt a bit empty handed this time. My mil loves to ply us with food when we visit and would feel awkward if she couldn't but I know she would understand. As for people saying a 4 yr old should understand and not get upset when everyone else is eating cake and she can't, she is 4 fgs! You can't expect her to have an adults level of understanding and acceptance at 4. Good luck with getting the pump, I hope it makes life easier for you, diabetes is a pita.